My time at home in pictures

With limited time to write, I share with you a look at my home... :)

made peach jelly with Grandma

peach bread with leftover peaches (we had 2 trees that ripened all in one week)

the chapel I created in my closet for prayer outside of a church

Kolaches made for my graduation party with Grandma and Jen

Family + Jen at my graduation party!

Canned pickles

Canned peaches

Peach Cream Pie

We have fruit in the garden too!

My favorite veggie to pick...potatoes!

skyping with Bea

Picking cucumbers in rubber boots (it was muddy in there!)

I've always loved playing in the dirt and eating potatoes!

Hanging with Haley (and the rest of the canine crew!)

Laid out the pattern for my softball t-shirt quilt

make quesadillas with my best friend from High School

sealed the chimney on the roof with Uncle Pat

the rows of cucumbers are never ending! I pick for the social aspect!

mickey mouse potatoes

 

yum! And yet there are still so many in the ground!

The diploma frame Uncle Pat and I made and stained. Now my graduation is official!

Another version of Peach Cream Pie made with Grandma

Oh yea...I cut off 6-7 inches of hair

shucked corn and picked zucchini (as well as yellow) squash

a peach of pie for dessert while watching The Lion King

driving those country roads

one last look at home



heading out

I ate so well (and this is just one example) -- all veggies were fresh and handpicked from our garden!



prayed the rosary, baked, and talked with this beauty everyday!

As you can see, I'm quite blessed! These were just the times I thought to take pictures but so many more wonderful moments were shared and memories made.
Leaving was hard but I had much peace in doing so!

"You will go out in joy and be led out in peace" Is. 55:12

Leaving to Follow

A wise nun once told me, "we must leave in order to follow". She said this in the context of grieving the loss of time with her family upon her entrance into the convent. I now find myself in that same position...

More than ever, each moment passed here at home surrounded by the family that has loved and supported me all of my life is treasured and considered so very precious. Wednesday draws ever so near and reality sinks in deeper and deeper.

I know that leaving is temporary and that loving is forever, but the difficulty remains.

Today as I walked my grandma home I had to fight back tears. She accepts my leaving so beautifully and simply - perhaps even better than I do. I tried to "casually" mention that I won't be back until Christmas and after considering it for a second, she just stated: "well, you have to".

I have to. Yes, Grandma, this is true. I am certain that I must go. I know it in my head but mostly in my heart. I've been invited by the Lord. Not forced. As another wise Bride of Christ once told me: Jesus does not impose, He proposes. He extends His hand out towards me and beckons me so gently and lovingly, respecting my right to either choose or reject Him, desiring my freely-willed decision.

And my heart...it longs for Him too. My hand reaches out to meet His and my heart smiles. I rely on His promise: And behold, I am with you always, until the end of the age (Mt. 28:20). For I cannot, perhaps even should not, do this without it. Without Him.

Nothing makes sense outside of the context of Him. In fact, nothing exists outside of Him. We live and move and have our being (Acts 17:28) within the context of God.

And I leave my family, my home, all I've ever known in order to chase after Him who crafted my heart and placed in it a burning desire to know, love, and serve Him - to be with Him.

After all, when all my complication is stripped down to one base desire I've discovered that all I want is to live in the simplicity of being His.

Although none of this makes leaving any less sad or difficult, it does bring peace and confidence.

I know with absolute certainty that Grandma is right. I have to do this. I have to follow the Lord. I have to leave. And I know that Jesus will be with me the whole time because He said so and He is Truth.

So I have the peace and confidence that living my desire to simply be with Jesus will always be the right decision no matter where it leads me.  His hand will always be the one to accept and hold onto. His proposal should always immediately precede my "yes".

You're all I have, You're everything...Here's my heart, Lord.  (David Crowder)

"God expects each creature to serve and love Him according to its nature. The angels must love God angelically, that is, without heart, sentiments, affections – for they have none of those things. But He expects man to love Him humanly, that is, with all his heart, soul, strength and mind, and his neighbor in the same way. We are neither spirits nor ghosts, but human beings, and we cannot go higher than perfect humanity elevated by grace.

Your thoughts about Jesus are too narrow. He isn’t a bit like what you imagine. His Heart is as large as the ocean, a real human heart. He wept real salt tears when Lazarus died. ‘See how He loved him!’ He does not expect you to be a specter or a ghost. No, He wants you to be a thorough woman, wanting love and giving it, and when you leave those you love, He wants you to feel it deeply. Don’t be ever scrutinizing your poor little heart in fear, but look at Him. He possesses for you, His spouse, all that your poverty lacks.”

-Bl. Columba Marmion 

I give God thanks for the family that He's given me. A family that loves me with a Christ-like, sacrificial, unconditional love...so sacrificial and unconditional that they not only let me go but urge me onward. Although imperfect, their human love reflects His perfect divine love. I trust in His promise because He sent me my family as messengers that one can always trust Love.

As graduation approaches...

With the date of my graduation (aka date of the beginning of great change and a new transition) looming over me, I would like to share some thoughts.

There's a lot of emotion involved in leaving a place or state in life. And I've been experiencing that as my time in college here at A&M comes to an end.

As I come upon these final days I catch myself in moments of remembrance of what it was like to be a Freshman - or even a Junior - with the knowledge that there was much time ahead of me at this university. I remember also actually feeling like it was a lot. And although this brings a wave of nostalgia and even sadness at the fact that this "a lot" has been replaced with a very small "little", I am not dissatisfied with where I am at.

In fact, I wouldn't trade the person I am - the person I've become -, the position that I'm in, or the future that I have ahead of me for anything. I wouldn't go back to those days of having much time ahead of me in college.

Would I do it all over again? Yes...to the extent that I would do again what got me to the place that I am now - to the person that I am now. I would do again what allowed me to see how the Lord wanted to and did work through those events.

But I have to also answer "no". I would not do it all over again because I am happy where I'm at and I'm ready to be here, to move on, to begin the new adventures the Lord has in store for my life - to start this journey with Him.

These last four years have shaped me, formed me, and made me into the person I am today, the person who's ready - ready to follow the Lord, ready to be surprise by Him continually in this journey we call life. Yes it's difficult and no it's not necessarily always fun but I am ready. It's hard to leave the relationships that I've established and the places that I've learned to call home. But if it wasn't difficult than what was it for? I'm learning as I experience leaving more and more in my life that the difficulty of leaving comes from the existence of love in what I have to leave. And in a weird roundabout way the fact that this time of my life is difficult is actually affirmation that the time that passed immediately before this was beautiful and loving and life-giving. I wouldn't trade that for anything! In fact, I welcome this feeling of difficulty knowing what it signifies.

So for all of you about to graduate (from anything), change jobs, move cities, or enter into any type of transition period that requires a certain amount of "leaving", embrace this time of difficulty and challenge. Take it as a chance not only to solidify those relationships that will from now on be strained by physical distance but to strengthen also the relationship that is forever present to us - the relationship with our Lord. He is the one constant we have in this life and the next. Drawing close to Him during this time brings comfort, courage, and deeper understanding that we cannot achieve on our own. And through Him, we can recognize the years leading up to this point as a great gift and blessing so filled with love that it hurts to leave it behind.

Lord, I thank you for the difficulty of "leaving".

General Life Update...What's been going on?!

I realize that I haven't been keeping y'all simply up to date on the happenings of this semester so I thought that I'd take the time to touch on some of those things.

AACAQ

Ask a Catholic a Question (AACAQ) is a St. Mary's student-led outreach group that evangelizes on campus. It existed my freshman and sophomore year when I first participated in it but had since lapsed into a deep slumber. However, this year, thanks to the effort of a couple of dedicated students and the campus minister that harbored the original ideas for this organization, it has resurrected and made its presence known once again. The group consists of 12 members (appropriate no?) this semester with the idea of growth in the future.
Practically speaking, we go out on campus in no less than two wearing shirts that say "I am Catholic. Ask me why." in hopes of spreading the truth of Jesus Christ and His Church. This can manifest itself in several different ways depending on the Spirit's desire any particular day. We may be approached by someone or we may approach them.
Honestly, it can be difficult for me to approach someone to talk about God and the faith. I am sort of embarrassed and silly admitting this especially since I feel called to join a religious community whose charism is precisely evangelization and spiritual formation. However, it is a fact of my nature which is introverted at its most base form. Does this mean that I am unable to fulfil the mission of AACAQ or the Apostles? No. I can do anything with the help of God's grace. Does this mean that I will have to die to self and put myself out there in ways that for me may feel uncomfortable or awkward at first. You betcha!
An important aspect of evangelization is the personal encounter with Christ. The more that I encounter Christ in my own personal prayer, the more I grow in my desire to help others to know Him the way I know Him. And the more that I surrender to the Spirit when I am speaking His Name, the less nervous or fearful I am that I will say something wrong or not know an answer. These things will most certainly occur because I am human but the more open I am to the Holy Spirit, the more often that I will recognize Him speaking through even my broken humanity.
Chris, my evangelization partner, and I have similar hesitancies about approaching students on campus but have also both reaped the benefits of dying to self and courageously doing it anyways. Last Monday (during our hour commitment 12-1pm) we did just this in Academic Plaza to two different groups. Both times we ended up having beautiful conversations and sharing an aspect of the Catholic faith that was misunderstood or unknown by the other (i.e. Mary as an intercessor and confession).
Each Monday I nervously put on my "provocative" tshirt and am struck by a moment of dread at the thought of that fast approaching hour. And then I go to prayer (my start to each day) and I am blown away by the love of a God Incarnate who was not ashamed in all His divinity to take on the lowly flesh of my broken humanity and die upon a cross to save me from my sin so that He can spend eternity with me. I encounter a Person who is the only Source of the indescribable and unmatchable underlying peace and joy in my heart - the joy and peace of knowing that I am loved and that my life is in the capable Hands of the King of the Universe and my Good Shepherd. The nerves don't all run away at that moment but the conviction that God wants to use me as an instrument in spreading the Good News that this is true for each and every individual takes hold of my heart and the Lord's rod and staff give me courage.
We are all called to evangelize regardless of where we are or what our shirts say. Let us pray for the grace to do so in whatever way God is calling us to in our lives at this moment.

Jesus Is Lord

This lent, St. Mary's offered a parish wide program called Jesus Is Lord. Originally created by St. William's parish in Round Rock, this program seeks to bring its participants back to the foundation of Jesus as Lord of their lives. It is built on the premise that any and all theological knowledge or biblical analysis that we have means nothing if Jesus is not the Lord of our lives. Those things are there to build up and increase our relationship with Him who sits on the throne of our hearts.
During Jesus is Lord, the 600+ participants (both students and permanent parishioners) journeyed through several specific topics: God is Love, Human Sin, Jesus our Savior, Repentance, Discipleship. Each night consisted of 2 short talks by 2 campus ministers and 1 witness talk by a student or permanent parishioner. Then the group broke into 83 small groups to further discuss and share. I enjoyed the privilege of leading one of these small groups and growing with these 8 individuals throughout lent.
There was one talk that struck me (and many others) and will always be that which I remember the most from Jesus is Lord. It was given by Fr. David our pastor on the topic of Human Sin. He spoke about the cost of Jesus's sacrifice on the cross imploring us to see the crucifix for what it is when we enter a Catholic Church and behold it. He had us consider the great sin needed to accumulate such a debt and the great love required for an innocent, Divine Being to take on humanity just to pay it. At a certain point, he turned to face the crucifix and beginning to speak, his voice nearly faltered as he was moved to tears in contemplating this mystery of our great sinfulness and God's greater love.

"When we come into the presence of the crucifix, it should knock the wind out of us. It should leave us speechless. The fact that it doesn't is both a challenge and hope." - Fr. David Konderla

Evening of Lights

Another moving event that occurred during the Octave of Easter (the first week of Easter) was the Evening of Lights. This was an event brought in by the FOCUS missionaries and put on by 2 Dominican Priests and 2 Sisters of Life sisters. The evening consisted of a special blessing and Eucharistic adoration and was held (drum roll please....) on campus! Isn't that awesome?! Just imagine this: in the all faith's chapel (where there is no tabernacle) on a Thursday evening a line a students - amidst a larger group kneeling, standing, or sitting - wait to receive a blessing with St. Joseph oil (from Canada) for personal healing and healing among their family before proceeding over to the other priest holding the Blessed Sacrament in the monstrance and giving personal benedictions (blessings with/by the Blessed Sacrament Himself). This went on for over 3 hours without pause. For those who already received their blessing or had not yet entered the line, there was beautiful praise and worship music as well as opportunity for intercessory prayer with the 2 Sisters of Life sisters, the FOCUS missionaries and the Apostles of the Interior Life sisters.
I myself was personally touched and my heart moved during this evening. My prayer and hope is that many other students experienced this as well.

Fr. Benedict holding the Blessed Sacrament.
Photo Creds to Sam White. Thanks!

My First Criticism (to my face)

On the same Monday that Chris and I experienced the beauty in walking up to strangers to speak about God, I met with my first open opposition towards my future plans.
It came from a former professor of mine who I organized a meeting with just to chat. I enjoyed his class last semester greatly and respect him as someone who is very interesting to talk to because of his philosophical and intellectual ideas and viewpoints. I knew that the topic would come up and although I was not sure where that would lead, I was not expecting it to go the way it did. However, my reaction was most surprising of all. While he was making his case for why I should not pursue this further, I could not contain the large smile that covered my face. In fact I never faced all that I had feared would come with this type of opposition (i.e. unanswerable questions, shouting, ridicule, humiliation, embarrassment, etc...). Instead, I experienced a deep sadness that he does not know the Jesus that I know and realized that the God that he professes not to believe in is in fact not the God that I believe in either. Mostly, I was hurt that he had a bad experience that drove him away from the arms of the only One who will ever fulfill the Truth that he seeks.
I know that his opposition comes from a place of caring about me and genuine concern for my best interests. However, it also comes with a difference in worldview and a disagreement on the definition of freedom.
I do not know if anything that I said brought him to a deeper understanding of the loving God that I believe in. I pray that it did. I also pray that I was open to the Spirit speaking through me. It gives me peace knowing that it is not me that does anything but rather Him who uses me as an instrument.
Oh God, give me a greater disposition of openness to being your instrument.

AVI Meet the Parents

Another exciting recent event was the Meet the Parents day at the Sisters' house here in College Station for all of the Texas girls' parents to spend the day with the Texas Sisters and the 3 brothers from the AVI Male Branch that were present here this week.
It was so beautiful to have these three sets of parents of the Texas girls all meet and exchange their different levels of experience as parents of girls in formation with the AVI. I particularly enjoyed speaking with the Browns whose daughter Brittany has been in the community for 3 years. It was beautiful to see how close they have grown to the community over the years. I also enjoyed seeing Briana's family again whom I had met a few times before. It is always such a joy to meet the parents of one of your best friends and see so much of her in them.
Fr. Vince gave a beautiful meditation on joy (an important aspect of the AVI charism), and the Sisters cooked a wonderfully Italian meal from the deliciously "al dente" pasta to the perfectly creamy homemade gelato.
It was a good day!

Encounter

On the same night as the AVI Meet the Parents day, I went to the 2nd ever (my 1st ever) Encounter held at Christ the Good Shepherd Chapel at St. Joseph's High School in Bryan. This new event consists of a talk, great music, and best of all precious time adoring our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament. It was a beautiful way to spend the evening of a beautiful day.
I even met a few new people who run around in different B/CS Catholic circles which is always fun! I look forward to another opportunity to attend. For more information check out encounterbcs.org.

Muster

Ok Old Ags, you might find it hard to believe but even as a senior here at A&M, I just now attended my first Muster in Reed Arena. And I'll be the first to admit that I wish I had been going all along. What a beautiful tradition.
Alycia, my roommate and I, arrived quite early to ensure that we got good seats for us and our small group. While waiting we prayed a very distracted Rosary yet a beautiful one as we watched the names of all those on the world-wide muster roll call appeared on the screen. I had the joy of running into some friends I hadn't seen in a while and was marveled at the amount of Aggie Catholics my eyes kept coming across which made me feel all the more comfortable and at home there.
The event took on an even more special yet sobering tone as the name of my friend Karen Barnett was softly called and I answered "here" for her. It is one thing to participate in Muster by your attendance. It is another to participate with your "here".
It still feels unreal that Karen is actually gone but yet I have learned so much in these few weeks since her passing. I trust that she is in the eternal bliss promised by our Lord to those who love Him, and I have hope that we will one day bask in the light of that eternal embrace together.

"Softly call the Muster, let comrade answer 'Here'..."

Mr. and Mrs. Travis Klekar

Today my cousin got married to a beautiful girl that makes him smile in a way that I have never seen before. It is always a special thing to attend a wedding and see two flesh become one but even more so when you are witnessing the marriage of someone you grow up with. I have been through many things with Travis and many emotions moved through me today.

Today I did not witness my annoying older boy cousin get married. No, I witnessed a well-mannered, well-groomed, joy-filled, and charming young gentleman gently and attentively accept the hand in marriage of a beautiful young woman who clearly took his breath away the moment she stepped into the room. Today I was one among the few yet beloved members of the congregation who had the pleasure of intimate contact and conversation with both the bride and groom all afternoon/evening long. Today I FINALLY got a girl cousin on the Klekar side and man am I happy that it is Amanda!

Please join me in praying for this young couple that their dedication to God and dedication to each other only grows as the years go by. For blessings on their marriage and newly established family.

“So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” Mt. 19:6

...and that's about all I have to report for now. I know that I don't post much but know that many a blog-post idea comes to my mind. There just isn't enough time to develop all of them. Someday my rule of life might give this blog a higher priority but for now it will remain my hobby, my go-to on a free day. Thanks for reading!

A Beautiful Soul

On Friday March 27 I was reminded of the fragility of life on this earth.

I experienced the paradoxical emptiness and heaviness that only grief can bring.

At 10:45 am I was reminded that we are made for so much more.

I cannot claim to be Karen Barnett's best friend or frequent coffee date. I do not know the intricacies of her life or even her favorite color. But I do know from the precious time I did spend with her that she possessed a caring heart from which abundant kindness flowed. Her humility kept her grounded but also created the opportunity to truly love herself and her life in a way that we who refuse to accept our littleness have not experienced. She was awkward and knew it - heck she fully embraced it! When excited or giddy about something she really loved (like Lord of the Rings, quiditch, or brownies) she would fidget or even stumble around and smile throughout her whole person. Speaking about stumbling, talk about clumsy - again a characteristic she heartily accepted. And she would most definitely have been embarrassed of a post so complimentary of her.

There is so much I have to learn from this friend of mine. She just knew how to live life well embracing the present moment. And boy did she love God. Her childhood dream was to become a nun (a.k.a. give her life totally and unreservedly to Her Creator). She pursued this call faithfully and enthusiastically which is how our paths first crossed. Meeting in our FIAT discernment group, Karen played a special role in my life along with the small group of girls who taught me not to be afraid of the movements of my heart leading me toward a life given completely to Christ.

Roadtrips seemed to be our specialty as we made two very LONG ones together. First we traveled with 2 other Aggies to Phoenix, Arizona to spend a week with the Daughters of St. Paul. Her parents, clearly the source of her generous heart, lent us their van and enough peanut butter, jelly, apple slices, and cookies to get us over three state-lines and back. Then, she accompanied me and another friend of ours from that same FIAT group on a whirlwind trip to Hanceville, Alabama to see the Shrine of the Blessed Sacrament. (And by whirlwind I mean we spent more time in the car than at our destination). Driving through the night, Karen championed the art of staying awake with Katie as I napped (i.e. full-on slept) in the backseat.

There was even a time last year when she and another girl (again from the FIAT group) went on a house hunt considering living together this academic year. Bummed that that fell through, I was overjoyed to see her last semester at a small Catholic gathering. Turns out that after graduating early, Karen detected a call from the Lord to put a hold on the path towards Consecrated Life and began to work in the College Station area. Speaking with her at the gathering, I saw real joy and peace. It was clear that her heart was quite content. Our other friend even questioned her about this diversion from her childhood dream wondering if Karen felt frustration or disappointment at not entering into a religious community.

I will leave you with Karen's response. It warrants meditation all on its own. Let us read her words and look within our own hearts to be honest about what our own disposition is. Is it one of such surrender and contentment as that of Karen's? If not, let us ask the Lord for the grace to get there so that we may follow in the steps of Karen who may not have achieved the symbol of complete union with Christ in this world (i.e. Consecrated Life) but instead bypassed straight to the real thing.

"I love my life. I have so much peace. God can do with me whatever He wants."

Karen: "You want half?"
Me: "Umm...I'm good."

The FIAT group that blessed me with Karen's acquaintance.

Shrine of the Blessed Sacrament. Time to go in and see Jesus!

Stretch break on the way to Alabama.
Sure let's just park my car on the side of the highway!

Best burger stop ever; found unintentionally on the way back from Arizona!

Making our way to Arizona and stopping for lunch on the state line.

Being our goofy selves with the nuns. No big deal.

We are merely pilgrims on a journey.
Looking forward to eternity a little more now Karen.

Karen Marie Barnett

March 18, 1993 - March 27, 2015

 

Eternal rest, grant unto her O Lord

and let perpetual light shine upon her.

May she rest in peace.

Amen.

"Buon Apostolato!"

The title of this post comes from the last words Sr. Elena said to me as I packed up the AVI poster board and set off towards home (Hallettsville), and the two weeks following that "send off phrase" have made it rather appropriate.

My first solo "apostolic experience"...

On Monday March 6, I went home to give a talk at the Flatonia Catholic Daughters of America (CDA) meeting. This particular group of women are benefactors of mine and it was my utmost pleasure to be able to meet them in person and share with them further details of my story and the community. Although the talk consisted solely of a snippet of my story and information on the community, it was indeed an apostolic moment that will always be precious to me. First of all, the women were a wonderful audience. They were attentive, stayed smiling throughout, and even had questions at the end. Thoroughly interested, they inquired about ways to stay in touch and eagerly took prayer cards with which to pray for our community throughout this Year of Consecrated Life and beyond. Secondly, although I began a little nervous, I felt very comfortable while speaking and even got to (unnecessarily) use a lapel mic which I clipped on my scarf as I have seen many Apostles do over the years! I feel more confident in myself before groups after recognizing the naturalness I felt in sharing about these two topics I am passionate about: the way the Lord has worked in my life and the community the Lord has placed on my path.
The meeting began with a potluck dinner since it was their priest appreciation meeting. This only added to the night because not only did I get the joy of eating delicious homemade food (you should have seen the dessert options) but I also had the presence and assistance of the priest in answering some of the generic questions on consecrated life and priesthood.
One of my more beautiful moments that evening was seeing Mrs. Olsovsky - the mother of my childhood best friend. She currently serves as the Regent for the Flatonia CDA and in multiple ways is the reason I even had the opportunity to share my story and community with this fantastic group.
If any of you women are reading this, know that you all have a special place in my prayers.

Mrs. O, Me, the AVI poster, and Fr. Ed

Vanderbilt Parish Mission (Nashville, TN)...

Saturday March 14:

We arrived after a long drive in the car just in time for the vigil mass that kicked off the evening of adoration and music. The night before was spent at a beautiful and hospitable host family in Longview, TX. As a friend of the community, the family was more than happy to open their home to us, and I felt the Lord's generosity moving through them as they engaged us in conversation, fed us, and attended to our every (and any possible) need. It was great to have parents again for a night! 

Nashville did not disappoint as the music capital since our first night was topped off with a concert at Catholic Underground which brings in local bands for entertainment and fellowship. Our headliner was the energetic and very talented Tyler Deihl (i maybe spelled that right?). I felt so blessed to have him share his talent with us and got a taste of the life of those musicians who move to Nashville to do anything to pursue their musical dreams. The best part though was to encounter in him that which we often expect is missing from ambitious young musicians these days: faith and an awareness of gratitude. Thank you Tyler for strengthening my hope for the music industry/scene. Take note of this guy, he's gonna be big someday...and I hope that his true greatness comes through sainthood.

Sunday, March 15:

Today was the first full day of the mission. It started off with a 9 am mass (the same one Audrey Assad attends...nbd) and a time of catechesis with all age levels of kids and adults. We followed what seems to be Sr. Debbie's motto for the mission and "divided and conquered". I had the good fortune of drawing the straw for the high schoolers who met in the room above the sacristy which also served as the sulphur room for those wounded during the Civil War. Yes, you read that right. We met to speak about prayer in a room formerly used to dress open wounds...and it was awesome! Not just the history of this church (built in 1847 as the first Catholic Church in Nashville) but the content of the time spent with those high schoolers sharing about ways to grow in prayer. The leadership (mostly college students) proved to be quite solid and those high schoolers are lucky to have them. Following this was a nice outing with Fr. John Baker (the priest hosting us this week who is the Chaplin for the campus ministry of Vanderbilt) for lunch at a local place where many servers know him by name. I had a really great tasting (and big) burger! Since we are with an Italian community, a time for naps came next so the sisters, Briana, and I headed back to the Nashville Dominican motherhouse where we are being hosted. I spent my free afternoon in prayer, reading Narnia, and taking a walk with Briana. It's so beautiful here as you can see from the pictures and the grounds are quite impressive.


I got my own cell!



Yep that's our humble abode behind us!

The evening was beautiful as well. We got to meet many students at the Frassati House which serves as the student center here at Vanderbilt. Evidently almost every Sunday evening involves "Sunday Supper" for the students cooked by a different student group each time. They even have a competition of who can get the best ratings. The winner wins both the "golden spatula" and pride at the end of the semester. After this we walked over to the Benton chapel which is the all faiths chapel on campus. Along the way Fr. Mirco and I prayed three mysteries of the rosary (in Italian) and viewed the beautiful campus for the first time. Fr. John brought along his portable tabernacle and crucifix for the time we had of adoration, confessions, and mass during the following three hours. It was beautiful to see the huge chapel transformed into a Catholic Church and filled with the body of Christ both mystically in the presence of the people and sacramentally in the Real Presence of Jesus in the Eucharist. At the very end we were able to chat more with the students before heading back here to the convent where I currently type away on my phone recalling those nights I did this while in Italy in order to preserve the freshness of a memory for my blog. What a great reminder of that time in my life studying abroad when I walked so closely and attentively with the Lord. 

Monday, March 16:

Today was a whirlwind of a day! Luckily we didn't have to be at the Frassati House until 8:30 am so I was able to get in some exercise, a meditation, and homework before breakfast (yes college spring break consists of homework and yes I am "that girl" that not only actually does it but brings it with her to the Music Capital of the USA).
The morning, lunch, and afternoon were filled with a tour of good ole Nashville (pronounced "Nashvul" by locals apparently). We saw many things and were led by Sarah Davis who lives and works/studies here and has given many a tour in her short 2.5 years stay. I saw buildings like the original Grand Ole Opry and the skyscraper that is one of the homes of T. Swift here in the city. We went to Centennial Park where there is a mock full size replica of the Greek Parthenon and to bicentennial mall where there is an outdoor acoustic structure that amplifies a voice that sings while standing in its middle. We also ate at a place called Local Tacos which was fantastic and thankfully light. (Parish missions are often times filled with heavy homemade meals so this was a nice change of pace).

Katie, Briana, James, Me, and Sarah!

The life size replica of the Parthenon in "the Athens of the South"

Me and this gem: Katie Paulson! Missing you so much already!!

Following this we returned to Frassati House to mingle a little with the Vandy (they gave me permission to use their nickname for it) students until the evening agenda began. It was beautiful to enter into the culture of Frassati house and University Catholic (the catholic group here). A group of the students and us missionaries prayed the rosary together before mass at the beautiful adjacent cathedral before a pizza supper and Sr. Elena's talk on discernment. We got all cozy in the Sweet Eugene like atmosphere of Frassati House and eventually broke into guys and girls groups. I can't speak for the guys but our group went really well. There were many well formed and deep questions that sparked great discussion. I can't wait to see what tomorrow holds with this special group of young people. It is evident that the Lord is truly working in and through them!

Sr. Elena giving a talk at Frassati House

Tuesday, March 17:

So many emotions! The best and worst part of Parish Missions happened today! First, the best! (I normally like to end on a high note but the worst only makes sense in the light of the best).
So...the best: making connections and truly dialoging with another. I've said this before and probably even blogged about it but as one who studies culture, I'm fascinated by the culture of an individual person and see entering into that as an utmost privilege. To be so honored as to be allowed into even just a glimpse of the gift that God creates in each unique life is a very precious encounter that I am keenly aware of. This happened today in a few ways.
First, I entered into the wider culture of the Nashville Dominicans when Briana and I went to mass and thus inadvertently the second half of chanted morning prayer. And by chanted I mean chanted - and at octaves higher than those known to man...especially at 6:00 in the morning.

Lauds (morning prayer) with the host family

But after the routine of prayer that morning, we (Briana, Katie, James, Sarah, Joel, and I) headed off with Focus to "the wall" where we encountered Vandy students and just chatted with them. "The wall" is apparently THE place to hold posters and rent tables to advertise for university sanctioned events and organizations. Since Focus is one of those, we assumed our position and started up random conversations. My Aggie readers will be pleased to know that the urge (and impulse really) to say "howdy" was quite frankly ridiculous and impossible to turn off. In the meantime I got to hang out with the Focus missionary Eric who I was blessed with during the informal and haphazard "pairing off" episode. It was neat to learn more about him and his life as a missionary. He also brought in a new perspective on the campus culture not being from Vanderbilt or A&M but...wait for it...'Bama. And before all you hardcore Ags get too worked up, I'll have you know that he was a standup guy with a solid faith and gave me a great impression of 'Bama grads. Anyway, I had a great time on campus getting to know a few students and getting a taste of the Vandy lifestyle. The campus is absolutely gorgeous: matching dark red brick buildings, green grass, sloping hills... It's an actual arboretum and thus has beautiful trees and plants too! After this, back at the motherhouse for "rest time" Briana and I got a tour by Sr. John Thomas who incidentally enough, was one of the sisters that visited A&M two years ago when both Briana and I were in school. We actually all ate supper after mass together one time back then.

Me, Caroline, James Edwin, Anthony, Katie, and James Edward

Then came our next appointment: Dismas House. Dismas (the name of the Good Thief who entered into Paradise right after Jesus) House is a halfway house for former prisoners looking to integrate back into the world. The students of University Catholic (aka Vandy student ministry) go to cook them supper every two weeks. This meal was an awesome experience. Everyone there was so welcoming and organized. The meal was filled with much laughter and really great food! It was beautiful to see the power in this ministry. Caroline - one of the more consistent volunteering students - told us about the change she sees in the men that come through Dismas House. I am glad this ministry exists and that the students have the opportunity to volunteer there and literally assist in the changing of lives. I hope that more places like this begin to spring up across the nation.
We got back to Frassati House just in time to here Sr. Cele's amazing talk on identity (the guys heard from Joel upstairs on the same topic). It was a beautiful talk followed by an even more beautiful discussion with the girls' vulnerability in opening up and truly contributing to the conversation.

Sr. Cele speaking on identity and having a resting heart

And then the worst part of the mission came: we had to say goodbye. 

I can't believe it is over already. Did we not just arrive?! The downside to investing in others and taking a true interest in them and their soul, is that at a certain point, you must recognize that your role is a temporary "pop-in" in their life and that you must make your exit. I know that the Lord has a plan in it all and that we will one day (God-willing) be together forever in heaven, but it really is hard to leave these people even after a few days. I have such a strong desire to see them grow and to continue to be a part of their lives so as to enter more deeply into the very promising catholic student culture that exists and continues to develop here. However, I recall those thoughts that came to mind in Italy (where goodbyes seemed much too frequent). I've learned that the things really worth it and true warrant being missed. A heart that experiences missing something, is a heart that has loved. The great and consoling news is that love continues and reigns forever thus conquering the feeling of sadness that currently resides in me and transforming it into gratitude. There are so many people to thank and I don't even know where to start so I'll just go to the source: God. Thank You Lord for this Parish Mission. Let it bear much fruit and plant many seeds that bloom vibrantly in our hearts and in the hearts of those we encountered...

Until next time Frassati House!

 

Listen to (and with) your heart

This post finally comes after I started it and left it for around a month. I'm not sure how well it flows and if it is completely clear but I post it now trusting that the Lord, if He so desires, can bear fruit even from an instrument as inexperienced and weak as me. My favorite part is the end. If you take away anything, please take away our need to pray more often to Our God Who is Trustworthy. Even with this title we remind ourselves to pray for a greater trust in Him who loves us and is forever Good.


Generally speaking, there are two things that come to mind in today's world when one hears "listen to your heart."

1. Romantic ideal - involving rejection of all thoughtful analysis and the following of the whims of emotion (think: Hallmark movie)
2. Naïve notion - a nice concept but perceived as something done by one who wasn't disciplined enough to think it through first

Thus, the idea has a bit of a negative or unrealistic connotation and seems to be (at least for me) something to be weary of.

But is this so in the spiritual life? What does "listen to your heart" connote in the context of the Interior? In other words, what does it mean for an intimate friend of God to listen to his/her heart?

I bring this up because it is something that I struggle with often myself. One of the biggest temptations for me in my prayer life is making it a head game. Trying to "figure things out" or "be good" at prayer. I forget often that prayer is a relationship and that relationships involve the contribution of not only the head but also the heart.

I don't know if it is the culture or just me but when this was brought to my attention, I realized that I am not always very trusting of my heart. Or at least I am not trusting of my interpretation or reading of the movements of my heart. Questions I often asked were "Is it okay to recognize peace in my  heart even if my head is not totally convinced?" or "Is it enough to follow a conviction in my heart that I can't even explain?"

Our world has coached us to be practical, think everything through, have a long term plan, know the step that comes after the next step. In other words, our world tells us to get in and stay in our head. But who else is in our head? Are we not often times alone there?

And if prayer is a relationship with One other than ourselves then I can't only stay in my head by myself. So where must I go? Here's where we implore the aid of those intimate friends of God: the saints.

When talking about intimate friends of God, my mind immediately jumps to Our Blessed Mother Mary. Can their be a greater intimacy with the Divine than physically carrying the Son of God (who is God Himself) in the womb and witnessing both His blessed first breath and trembling last?

And, what does this intimate friend of God teach us about the interaction with and reliability of our heart? For this, we turn to the Gospel of Luke.

"But Mary treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart." - Luke 2:19

This action of Mary - "pondering in her heart" - comes after the shepherds make known to the Holy Family the message of the Angels: "behold, I proclaim to you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. For today in the city of David a savior has been born for you who is Messiah and Lord. And this will be a sign for you: you will find an infant wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger." (Lk 2:10-12) 

This would clearly be overwhelming even to someone who had already been de-briefed by her own personal angel (see The Annunciation Lk 1:26-38). However Mary does not immediately jump to analyze the situation considering who else has all heard the news and which societal class will show up next to give due praise to her Son. No, she simply accepts the message and turns to the known dwelling place of the Lord God aside from her arms: her heart.

Now how do we know that we can trust our heart? That our Lord God is truly dwelling there in a way that enables us to confidently follow it.

For me this can be checked with three simple questions:

1. Am I frequenting the Sacraments?
2. Do I have a consistent and daily prayer life?
3. Do I have a wise and competent spiritual guide (i.e. spiritual director)?

These questions and their answers may take different forms for different people but their main components should be there. In other words, Sunday mass attendance is a must. If it is possible to go during the week, that should be done as well. Also, those who regularly go to confession develop greater self knowledge and understanding of their need for God's mercy (i.e. humility). I recommend at least once a month. We also must pray every day. We cannot have a relationship without communication. If you aren't yet praying, start with 10 minute reflections over the day's gospel (find those readings and a reflection here). A good goal would be to build up to a half hour a day. And finally, if available to you, find a spiritual director or mentor. Someone who can walk with you on your faith journey.

If these three components are in your life or at least the first two, you can be more relaxed about the trustworthiness of your heart.

The fact is God has a will for us and He desires that we find it. It is not some great cryptic message to decode. God knows us so well that He reveals His will to us sometimes in ways that only we can notice so don't look to far outside of yourself.

And don't worry so much about whether or not you can trust your heart. Keep your heart close to Jesus by frequenting the sacraments, praying daily, and - if possible - walking with a spiritual director or mentor and remember that He is trustworthy.

Thus listening to your heart is no longer about your heart so much as it is about your relationship with Jesus. The questions we should be asking are not about our heart's trustworthiness.
The questions are:
Am I close to Jesus? Do I have a relationship with Him?
Do I trust Jesus? Will I follow Him even with only the instructions for the next step?
 

May the God of peace himself make you perfectly holy and may you entirely, spirit, soul, and body, be preserved blameless for the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful, and he will also accomplish it.  -1 Thes 5: 23-24