Just about a month ago I took my first exam of the year - my
Italian license driving test - which was followed almost immediately by three
intense weeks of study and university exams: 5 oral and 2 written. Exam periods
have never been the easiest for me. As silly as it might seem to describe it
this way I lived these three weeks (especially the last one) as a time that was
heavy and almost even dark.
During a period of exams I usually find myself more
vulnerable in my weak points of perfectionism, anxiety, desire to please
(myself and others), pride, and temptation to see my value in my performance
and grade. As a person who already thinks way too much, my brain is in constant
function leading to less hours of deep sleep and more frequent episodes of
exhaustion. It is also a time in which I easily fall into concentrating almost
solely on myself. Even my vocabulary changes: my time, my test, my studies, my,
my, my...
But, oddly enough, this most recent period (which ended this
morning) has also been a time of great intimacy with the Lord. In my weakness
and tiredness I found myself coming before the Lord more authentic and real. When
I felt overwhelmed by the desire to impress others, it was His gaze upon me
that reminded me I am loved before
and no grade or show of intelligence could ever change or increase that love.
When I had no brain power to formulate eloquent words with which to address Him
it was in repeating the simple truths of our faith that I found consolation: Dio mio, mio Tutto (“My God. My All.”) And
when, in my human weakness, He knew I needed a little more than His spiritual
presence (no matter how tangible it can be at times) He sent me a friend, a
phone call, a message, a hug, a smile…
There was one moment of prayer in particular that struck me
about a week ago. Praying my daily meditation with the first reading of the
day, I found myself struck by the last sentence of the passage which was not a
sentence that would have usually caught my attention.
“Then the offering of Judah and Jerusalem will please the LORD, as in ancient days, as in years gone by.” (Malachi 3:4)
I don’t know if I’ve even ever prayed with the Book of
Malachi before but that evening this sentence completely changed my outlook on
things. I walked in the chapel feeling oppressed by the studies I had yet to do
and by discouragement and loneliness. I walked out filled with peace, hope, and
even joy. Why? Because in those few words the Lord assured me that my offering
(my studies, my attention, my effort) is already pleasing to Him. The offering,
not the result. And it is pleasing to Him:
He who we should strive to please before everyone else. I understood then that
when I am focused more on the result than the offering it is because I am
trying to please someone other than God either my professor, classmates,
sisters, parents, or myself. When I am focused instead on the offering, it is
then that I know I am trying to please God. And it is then that I can be
assured that I will please Him because of the simple fact that when it comes
down to it, each offering is an offering of self and all God desires is to
receive our offering of self and be ever more united with us.
As I mentioned above, even outside of prayer, the Lord
worked through those around me (friends from university, the sisters I live
with, and complete strangers) to touch me with His love. In a particular way He
did so this very morning. Waking up early I gathered all my things and started
heading down to the chapel. Janel, the sister helping to guide me in my years
of formation, asked me to wait and pray also with her. I wasn’t too suspicious
at this point since she is known to wake up early as well and so I happily
agreed. After a couple of minutes I see her enter the chapel with a backpack
and jacket. Still not imagining anything too out of the ordinary I remained
silent. Come to find out, she had organized her morning so that she could come
with me to my exam, support me, and then walk back with me stopping at several
churches and historical sites along the way. What touches me most about this is
the love behind it. Her consideration of my need to be accompanied first of
all. And then her attention of my love for little spontaneous adventures. Not
to mention her own sacrifice. A whole morning out of the house takes away from
tasks that could be accomplished or things that could be checked off of the
to-do list. However, she chose the other over self. She chose me. She chose
love.
Call me crazy but I give thanks to the Lord for the
opportunity to live this time of exams. No, I wouldn’t volunteer to relive it
immediately. I still have many more chances in the near future anyways. But I
do recognize how He really can and does enter into every aspect of our lives.
He makes Himself present and He makes His presence felt.
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| Fully equipped to hit the streets of Rome! |
