Learning from wild flowers: 2021

26 December 2021

Dear Family and Friends!

For what greater grace could God have made to dawn on us than to make his only Son become the son of man, so that a son of man might in his turn become the son of God? Ask if this were merited; ask for its reason, for its justification, and see whether you will find any other answer but sheer grace.

- St. Augustine

Merry Christmas! It’s been a good little while since I sent an update. I never got around to it this summer and then I kept making excuses until it was time to write my Christmas one. So I will try to update y’all the best that I can on what happened over the last 12 months! It’s been a whirlwind of a year full of surprises, growth, and God’s grace, and I look forward to sharing some of it with you in these few pages...

Important Events

- February 10, 2021: I turned 28 and my sisters surprised me with a trip to the beach where we played beach volleyball and ate sack lunches. Yes, it was February, but, at that beach, the views are great year round!

- April 30, 2021: my niece Emma Kate was born. She is such a cutie and never runs out of smiles, to the joy of those around her.

- May 2021: I attended my last college classes!

- June 2021: I defended my thesis and graduated with a Bachelor’s Degree in Theology from the Salesian Pontifical University. A new chapter of life has begun!

- August 2021: two weeks of community time. After two years and despite the pandemic we were finally all back together again.

- October 2021: I started new formative meetings with the other young sisters in the early years of their consecration. We call this phase “Antioch” because it is when the early Church started most of its apostolic activities. The goal is to continue to grow in freedom and responsibility.

- December 8, 2021: I renewed my consecration for the second time. I have officially been consecrated for two years now and with this second anniversary I enter into what the community calls the “General Assembly” – which is a fancy way of saying I have finished my time of introduction and am now held fully responsible for the same rights and duties of all the other consecrated members of the community.

- December 20, 2021: we formally announced the news of our consolidation of the houses in the USA. As of August 2022 we will have only one house in the States – in College Station, Texas. To read more about this click here à https://www.en.apostlesofil.com/consolidation-update/

Story Time

Since I can remember I’ve always loved to sing…and I am always singing. There was a time in my life, though, when I became more aware of the opinions of others and the “risk” I had to take in singing in front of them. What if I messed up? What if I didn’t sound good? Or what if I was perfect and they just didn’t like my voice? These inner thoughts kept me far away from the microphone for a long time, a part from a few particular situations or circumstances. Ever since I entered into community, however, I have slowly used my voice more and more but still in very “sheltered” and “low-risk” environments in front of small crowds and not all that often. About a year and a half ago, that all changed…

I had recently begun a new apostolate in helping with a young adult group at a parish here in Rome. The pastor at this parish, a very charismatic figure who attracts many young people and is very prepared in ministering to them, had come to the knowledge of my gift for singing. When I still didn’t know him very well I just passed by the open door of a meeting he was having with some parishioners while planning for a Mass in which the Vicar Cardinal of the diocese of Rome (second only to the Pope himself) was to celebrate. As he saw me he called out and I turned as I heard him say “Cherise will sing the psalm at the Mass with the Vicar Cardinal!” …a year and a half later and I’ve lost count of all of the psalms I’ve sang in that parish and at other events (Briana’s consecration, the diaconate ordination of my Salesian classmates, a wedding of some friends of ours…).

What’s more, I even partook in an outdoor concert for the parish to celebrate the summer and to uplift everyone’s spirits after a long year of Covid lockdowns and closures. In this concert I was once again pushed out of my comfort zone because of the boldness of the pastor who, one day before Mass, came up to me and said: “Cherise, let’s sing together in the concert! Let’s sing “The Prayer” by Andrea Bocelli and Celine Dion!” I remained speechless after that request. Celine Dion? My idol? The singer I’ve been dreaming of sounding like since I was a little girl? The artist of the CD I would listen to over and over again on my portable CD player in my room as I imagined myself on a stage with that kind of power in my voice?... I was tempted to try to get out of it but there was no escaping it and, secretly, I really wanted to give it a try. After much practicing and with my heart pounding out of my chest, I took the small, portable stage that warm June evening. Before me I could only make out the silhouettes of those seated in the plastic chairs set up on the outdoor basketball court. The stage lights were blinding and the music carried throughout the entire neighborhood as local residents peered out from their balconies to see its source. It was my turn to sing, I took a deep breath and prayed for the grace to enjoy the realization of a dream held for as long as I could remember. As I sang into the microphone I heard my voice soar out to fill every space the sound could reach. In the beginning it was shaky and matched the rapid beating of my heart, but as I continued to enter into the song I relaxed, thought less, and just sang. By the applause of the crowd (and the amount of times the video was shared by my parents), I’d say that we did pretty good.

What am I trying to share with y’all? I want to share with y’all my rediscovery, remembering, of the goodness of God who, yes, asks us to leave things but, if they are for our good and make us truly happy, He gives them back, in abundance and covered in His grace. I had “left” singing for selfish reasons (fear of failure and rejection) but also, in order to follow the Lord. I didn’t think my Vocation had room for singing in a non-religious way. And yet, in the moment that I took the stage to sing a Celine Dion song (albeit called “The Prayer” and as a duet with a priest) I felt the Lord blessing the use of my gift and validating my desire to live, in a small way, my dream of being on a stage and receiving an applause. I felt Him saying to me: if lived with Me and for My glory, you have to use that gift! It is not a question of “if” but “when” – and your (our) time is now. Go for it. I am with you.

Psalms remain my favorite genre of music and context in which to sing. I still get nervous (even if less so now) and I always feel like I forget everything right before the music begins to play (when it all comes back). There is something so freeing and beautiful about hearing my voice sing the words of a psalm prayed by unthinkable numbers of people, inspired by the Holy Spirit, and prayed (and, in the Hebrew tradition, certainly sung) by the Lord Jesus Himself. My favorite compliments are those in which someone tells me that my singing helped them to pray, to enter into the Word of God. It is a very humbling compliment because it often comes after one of those psalms in which I was more concentrated on myself and my performance than on “praying” the words that I sung. I continue to ask the Lord the grace to let go of myself and cling to Him and His glory when I sing, allowing myself to be an instrument of His beauty and goodness.

Where is my heart?

This year is a transitional year for me. Although my consecration was in 2019, until I finished school, I didn’t feel like I had fully entered into the phase after formation. After graduating, I sensed that I was headed into something new and unknown: life after my studies, no longer under the title of “student”. This was something terrifyingly new to me and extremely exciting! And I couldn’t imagine what it would be like until I started living it.

The hardest thing so far has been to find a daily rhythm. I thought I was more self-disciplined than I am turning out to be. I had always had something or someone outside of me giving structure to my day and now I find that, for the most part, it is I who must do so. And turns out…this is not so simple. I’ve made several attempts at daily agendas and calendars but have yet to find something I can manage to stay faithful to. Thankfully there is a rhythm of life as an Apostle, in prayer, community life, and certain apostolic commitments, that does give me some structure to then build on, and so I am not completely without hope.

On the other end, I do still feel a freshness and enthusiasm for all that is new in this phase of life post-studies. I am discovering knew things of myself or confirming that which I already know but am now experiencing in new contexts. I am exercising my responsibility muscles – which at times leave me really sore (if you get my analogy). And I feel like, at 28, I am finally living more fully as an adult. At the same time God the Father is constantly reminding me: return to being daughter. You are an adult but you are my adult daughter. Never forget who is really in control. This is a very useful reminder because, as God the Father knows all too well, my “adult mode” has made me more anxious and control hungry. I tend to pick up all of the weight and think that, the adult that I am should know how to handle things herself.

In the end, my heart is tempted towards discouragement but remarkably hopeful. Even on the days in which, by my own free will and lack of discipline, my planned agenda was thrown out of the window, I know that a new day awaits me with new mercies and new graces. If I can just focus on the present moment, on living here, now…I think I will be just fine.

Prayer Intentions

- Please pray that I may continue to grow in the use of my voice in service to the Lord and that I will increase in humility, forgetting myself more and more.

- Pray also for my daily life, that I find a rhythm in which I can fully express my being an Apostle in this early phase of consecration.

- Pray for an end to the pandemic, for all of those effected directly or indirectly, and for a greater political unity in fighting Covid-19.

- Pray for yourself, for the graces you most need and desire, for the realization of the dreams you’ve had since a child and for the openness of heart to allow God to grant the wishes you’ve left long behind you.

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