Getting There

Life is often spent living in attesa as Italians would say: waiting. We are constantly on a journey. This we know to be true in the Catholic worldview that describes the Church as a Pilgrim journeying toward her Heavenly home. But what are we called to do while we wait? The answer that the Lord has been giving me in this time at home before my departure for formation in Rome is: we live. The Lord continues to call me into the present moment, and as I’ve come to realize, with each call truly comes the grace to respond.

Before even arriving home for my 3 week stay, I already felt anxiety about having to leave my family for Rome. How ridiculous is this? Without having yet arrived, I was worried about leaving. This is not a good example of living in the time of waiting. So my constant prayer became one for the grace to live in the present moment. This was my one desire for being home. To live the time well and savor each minute with those I love trusting that I would have the grace for the goodbyes only when the time had come. By living in the present, I had no regrets at the end. I know that I lived well the time I had. I just spent time, took interest in the other, enjoyed, relaxed, and loved. So much love was shared in my time at home, and I praise God for this gift! In the end, the goodbyes remained difficult but the grace was there…in the moment!

The trip over here was also an adventure of being present to the moment which seems to be God’s lesson to me in this transition. First, after a teary departure from my parents at the airport, many different feelings offered me a variety of reactions to set the tone for my voyage. There was the option of anxiety of the unknown future from the feeling of fear. The feeling of sadness offered me a tone focused on the past and what was being left behind. But then there was something else…something mediated through God’s grace of the present moment…something called peace. This was not a worldly peace that just made every negative or painful feeling/thought go away. No, instead this was something deep and lasting. A peace that allowed me to feel fear, sadness, nerves, anxiety, loss but did not allow my actions to be dictated by them. I can only describe this peace by an image I use often to do so: this peace is like a cushion under my heart. When my heart trembles, I have simply to let go and lean on this overwhelmingly subtle peace that calms me with a certainty of God’s goodness and love. This is a peace that, I am learning, can again only be found in the present moment…where God’s grace resides.

So with this grace and peace, I arrived in New York to meet up with my travel companion Janelle (another young woman discerning my community) and stay the night with a host family before heading off to Rome. Again, with the host family, there was the temptation to think only of my arrival in Rome and forget the present. But in this time of “waiting” before arriving in Rome, God was still asking me to live and offering me grace in those moments there. So I surrendered and, although imperfectly, strove to do just that. This produced many beautiful moments with our host family who shared a wonderful witness of faith and generosity. As dear friends of the community, they often host sisters or girls in formation who travel through New York City. They make not only a place to sleep available to us but they allow us to enter into their hearts and truly share our lives even if for only 24 hours. This is an experience that I could not have had had I been outside of the present reality and focused too much on the future or past. Again, God’s grace in the present moment reigned peace in my heart and brought great joy to my soul.

Finally, Janelle and I found ourselves in flight to Rome. The 2 flights were not the most pleasant in the sense that we were unable to sleep and had a long layover in between, but we had many things to be thankful for which were mostly apparent from the view of the present moment. For one, we had each other and did not have to travel alone. We could pray together, talk, and keep each other grounded if one was too anxious over one thing or the other. We also enjoyed a wonderful film together on the plane that passed a couple of hours for us. We have the memory now of this trip and a closer friendship through simply spending time together. All which were possible through being present to the moment and open to the grace God offers in the here and now.

Upon arrival in Rome, I felt the next surge of temptation to fear and be anxious about this new unknown adventure as I drove through the busy streets of my new home. But I can no longer escape the gentle Voice calling me back to peace asking for my trust and begging me to just let go and let Him lead. Certainly, if I rely on my own strengths and capacities, this adventure would have already failed but He is the Good Shepherd, He is leading and His hand will guide me to only greater freedom, a deeper joy, and a bolder love.

We will spend most of our life waiting…waiting for the bus, waiting for graduation, waiting to turn a certain age, waiting for suffering to pass…and in this time of waiting there will be many feelings, thoughts, and emotions. But what will we do while we wait? And what will we do with these feelings, thoughts, and emotions?

God’s answer to these questions in my prayer has been: we simply live…from moment to moment, present grace to present grace. We acknowledge our feelings, thoughts and emotions but are not dictated by them because we know Who resides in the present with us. It is from Christ’s presence that we draw peace and become open to His grace. And it is in the grace of God – living in the present moment – that we boast and with confidence take each succeeding step beckoned forth by the gentle Voice of God: “My grace is sufficient for you” (2 Cor. 12:9).

               

In the Garden with my Father

Written May 20, 2016  

              I’ve always had a curiosity about where you were going and what you were up to. Hence the incessant questions as you laced up your shoes or put on your cap. Although you occasionally gave me your annoyed side glance, I know you always found it endearing (and now even miss it!). More often than not, whether you answered with an affirmative plan of action or an uncertain “I don’t know…something outside,” you found your way to the garden.

                The garden…your place of refuge where rest and work become one and you enter a quiet place of joy and peace. This is where I most enjoyed following you although I’d quite honestly follow you anywhere. For me, the garden has always been a different place however. After all, it is your garden so it seems even fair that it’s always been less fun for me to be there without you. Sure, it still has its charm of bringing forth new life in all shapes and sizes, but my favorite thing about the garden, when I find myself there alone, is that it reminds me of you.

                When I try to work in the garden by myself – and believe me, I’ve tried – it’s just work to me. In fact, it’s downright exhausting! But when it’s with you that I simply cooperate, allowing you to place my hands in their rightful position, following your lead, and even taking up the “menial tasks” of moving hoses, gathering buckets, fetching tools, or turning on and off faucets…this is when joy and peace really enter in. Just call me “Daddy’s little helper!” I’m not looking for a promotion!

                Even the way you look at the garden is different than my view. Where you see a beautiful, life-giving plant encroached upon by weeds, I see a clump of weeds and with luck manage to discover the plant before destroying it along with everything else. What’s more, you won’t even pull a weed if it’ll put a plant into danger even if it means a decreased beauty of the garden. But what makes a garden beautiful anyways? Is it perfectly formed rows of rich soil giving home to evenly spaced vegetables or fruits thriving without a weed in sight? Certainly that has its appeal, but weather is unpredictable, and you’ve taught me that the highest beauty a garden can achieve is simply in helping it, through gentle care and consistent cultivation, reach its greatest level of fruitfulness according to the circumstances of that particular season. In a rainy season an overgrown garden may seem at first to be in a neglected and run-down state but if, despite the undesirable wet conditions, life is still present and even able to sustain the human lives around it, that garden indeed possesses a remarkable beauty!

                By viewing the garden from your perspective, I begin to see its beauty in a deeper way too. When walking between the rows with you, I love pointing out plants and asking you about them: their names, their growing season, the care they need, how they are doing that year. I love availing myself of your wisdom born of experience and loving care. You know what you know because year after year, season after season, day after day, you walk these same rows asking yourself these same questions so as to cultivate the most fruitful and thus most beautiful garden possible. You help me to see the beauty of the garden and to wonder and marvel at its fruitfulness.

                I also love working with you in the garden. Whether it’s planting or harvesting, as long as I’m doing it with you, I’m happy to get in there and get my hands dirty. I never tire of your instruction and even often ask that which I know I’ve asked hundreds of times just to be sure about each step. I love watching you do it as well. They say it’s one of the best ways to learn but I don’t know if I’ll ever get my hands to work the way yours do – so sure and steady, gentle and strong, eager and patient. To each plant you give its due care, never letting even one receive neglect because of a “rush”. It is only in partaking in your work that I begin to partake in your rest, too. Planting 150 onions may take more than an hour but I barely notice the passing of a few minutes when I’m doing it with you. And in this, I become a collaborator also of your joy and peace, and with time, I no longer see first the weeds and then maybe the plant. Rather, I see first the plant and take action on the weeds according to their effect on the plant’s fruitfulness. Slowly I become more like you – the gardener – never with the intent on surpassing you but merely the desire to cooperate with you more perfectly so as to bring about a greater fruitfulness along with peace and joy. Like I said, I’m not looking for a promotion. I just want to be more perfectly who I already am: “Daddy’s little helper.”

                But my favorite thing of all is just being with you in the garden, present to the moment. No worldly anxiety exists in the garden. If a moment past or ahead does enter in, it is to receive advice or a consoling word. Sometimes we find ourselves immersed in deep conversation born from the fact that I like to pick your brain, but when you become slow to answer, I remember that sometimes – oftentimes – there’s more wisdom in silence. Walking with you in the garden is a place of security for me. It is there, while admiring beauty and marveling at the mystery of life with you, that I feel most loved and accepted in all that I am. In this security of knowing I am loved, trusting you comes easy and being anything but unapologetically myself is just out of the question. As you share with me your cherished garden, allowing me to participate in its cultivation, laughing with me, enjoying silence with me, delighting in just being with me, I realize in your purely joyful gaze that what your eyes find most beautiful in the garden is actually me. The life you desire most of all to nourish, cultivate, grow, and bear fruit from is mine. Yes, you still love your garden and its work will always be rest for you but the greatest joy you can get from your garden is seeing it bring me joy. You desire no gain solely for yourself but to share all with me. A motion of your hand tells me: “Everything I have is yours.” What you offer is a complete participation in the fullness of your riches, and what you ask is merely my presence and open hands to receive. I am the height of your creation…the “as good as it gets” in your eyes. But this, to no merit of my own. It is only because of your love, the perfect love of the Creator for His little creation. And it is only through this love, through being consumed by it in our walks in the garden that I can grow strong, begin to bloom and, in time, – your time – come to full fruition, radiating the reflection of your glory with which you created me. That’s what happens from simply being with you in the garden: transformation, purification, sanctification. With every step, you make me more like you, and your smiling gaze never fails to remind me: “I love you little one.”

This meditation was born of my spiritual exercises led by Fr. Zachary of the Mother of God (SOLT) at the Benedictine Abbey in Atchison, KS from May 15 – May 19, 2016. Spurred initially by the topic of being holy soil and cultivating the garden of my heart, I found myself reflecting on my upbringing in the country outside of a small town in South Central Texas. Being always a Daddy’s girl, following him around was a given. This meant that I quite often ended up in one of his favorite places: the garden. Remembering fondly all that I would do (and still do when at home) with my dad in the garden and how that made me feel, I gradually entered more deeply into a state of prayer. Without much intentionality, my image transformed from a memory of being in the garden with my earthly dad to a prayer experience of being in the garden with my Heavenly Father. This is not much of a stretch since I was blessed with an earthly dad whose paternity has always given me a beautiful image of God as Father.

As I hope one can see clearly from the meditation, it is hard to distinguish between that which I wrote specifically about my earthly dad and that which I wrote specifically about my Heavenly Father. In fact, the meditation could be entirely about being with the Heavenly Father in the garden of our hearts. We are drawn into our hearts by the Father Himself who always takes the initiative and leads us there. The Father finds rest in the “work” of beautifying our hearts, but if we decide to go in on our own and take control, we end up exhausted and without much fruit. The Father’s view of our hearts is also often much more positive. This is certainly the case in my own life. I could name so many of the weeds in my heart that need to be exterminated, but in this rash action I could also very well damage a beautiful and delicate plant my introspection failed to even notice. As we spend more time with our Father in the garden considering ourselves from His perspective, we begin to form it within ourselves as well and start to see our hearts differently. The work that we do in the garden should be always that of simply collaborating with God. We should always strive to be “Daddy’s little helpers” rather than those who try to put “Daddy” out of work. Again, we see a transformation into being more like the Father as we learn from Him and cooperate more and more with Him. But the best part is getting to the point of being before doing. For it is only in being completely ourselves with the Father in the garden that we can recognize His purely loving gaze and be transformed as the piercing truth settles in: We are loved in all that we are, as we are, here and now and for all eternity. In the light of this love, purification and sanctification takes place, and we partake in the journey to become who we were created to be: children who resemble their Heavenly Father, loved, and forever His little ones.

What I think I look like / What I actually look like

("Daddy's little helper" in 1994 and in 2015)

June 2016 Update

June 2016

Hello Family, Friends, Benefactors, and all those in between…

                Could a year living with the Apostles of the Interior Life already be over? It seems only a short time ago that I was moving my stuff a couple blocks down the road out of my college apartment into the “convent” that is really just a ranch-style house with a chapel in it. But yet here we are, a year later and a month from moving to Rome! For those who don’t know, my stay in Rome will be at least 5 years since in October I will enroll and begin studying at the Pontifical University of St. John in Lateran. I will study 2 years of Philosophy and 3 years of Theology in pursuit of a bachelor’s degree in Theology. This, along with prayer, community life, and apostolate, will comprise my years of formation in preparing to one day, God willing, be consecrated to God as an Apostle of the Interior Life!

Staying true to my original format, I hope to give you some information on how life is going for me with a few sections: important events, story-time, where is my heart, and prayer intentions. No promises to be brief! Besides, you only get a couple of these a year – that gives you about 6 months to read each of them! J

Important Events

·         May 13 à The Sisters and I said our goodbyes to St. Mary’s and traveled to Kansas

·         May 30-June 21 à My time at home before moving to Rome!

·         June 21 à Flight from Houston to New York

·         June 22 à Flight from New York to Rome

·         June 23 à I arrive at the place I’ll be calling home for at least the next 5 years!

·         June 27(ish) – Aug 5 à Time in the mountains with the whole community (please pray for a Come and See and a week of Spirituality for Priests that we will be doing during that time!)

·         June 29 à my pastor for 5 years, Fr. David Konderla, becomes Bishop of Tulsa, OK (pray for him)

·         Aug 20 à our brother Joel takes his vows in Kansas City, Kansas. He is in the seminary with hopes to be ordained a priest in the coming years.

·         Oct ?? à I officially begin my studies at the Pontifical University of St. John in Lateran (2 years of Philosophy and 3 years of Theology)

Story-Time

                Here is a little excerpt from a fun trip with my Sisters from the Texas House. The background information you need to know is that our pastor Fr. David Konderla was announced as the next Bishop of the Diocese of Tulsa, OK on the same day that we were journeying from Texas to Kansas THROUGH Oklahoma…I wrote this on May 13, 2016…

                “…Tulsa’s skyline is on the horizon. After making a straight shot through Fr. David’s soon-to-be diocese, we have finally come to its first (and perhaps only) big city. Emotions begin to rise even more as we strain to get a possible look at the steeple that “Bishop Konderla” will call home and take a wrong exit. Waiting impatiently at a stoplight that we should have avoided, we recommit to our rather bazaar plan. The decision has been made. There is no going back now.

Arriving at the airport at 3:32 we quickly navigate to the departures section of the airline our investigation has led us to believe Fr. David is using, watching each car and every person closely in case we manage to spot him. Everyone is on high alert and Renee Anne takes her crucial place in the driver’s seat of our parked van making everything that will follow after possible.

Entering into the phase of my deepest doubt and most dreamlike hope, I follow Elena and Cele into the thankfully small airport. Splitting up, I go take a long hard scan at the security line (that was basically non-existent) while the other two engage in conversation with the lady at the check-in desk. Feeling defeated I return to my Sisters with nothing. They, too, after explaining about the newly elected Bishop…who was a friend…yes, bishop of the catholic church…we didn’t get to say goodbye…and so on, were, not surprisingly, told that no information could be given about those who checked into the flight. However, the lady did mention that one can see the gates from outside of security.

Elena and I return upstairs as Cele takes her post at the entrance ready to intercept an unsuspecting bishop elect in his attempt to return home. Taking a long hallway towards a small sign indicating “waiting area,” I find myself yet again immersed in doubt. I mean, what are the odds? In contrast, Elena’s confidence inspires me to still put forth effort in this endeavor to salute our dear beloved pastor another time.

Arriving at the point the lady at the check-in must have been indicating, we realize that there is not much of the gates to see, and I think to myself: what if I just saw him? As I shrug off the thought of this “movie scene-like” moment, I catch a glimpse of a man in all black with short silver hair slipping behind a large column. I can’t mistake the stature and dress of the man I’ve called spiritual father for the last 5 years. I am convinced it is him as I struggle to get the words out to Elena. In the excitement neither of us can seem to get ourselves under control enough to take the next best action. Elena moves forward into the “no pass zone” with me right behind her. All of a sudden we hear an automated voice command us “Stop!” followed by an alarm and flashing red lights. Attention is now on us and rightfully so.

“Where are you going?” asks the security guard to Elena as I continue to point out Fr. David to her who is now with his back to us innocently fishing a drink out of a vending machine. “You see that priest at the coke machine? Can you tell him to come here? We want to see him.” Expecting a hard “no” from the guard, we simply receive a calm “Yes I can” and watch him walk away slowly toward our pastor. Is this really happening? Oh my gosh, I see him. He’s actually here. “Call Cele!” I direct Elena as she fumbles with the buttons on her phone. I see Fr. David turn as if to respond to someone who I can’t see behind the column but hope is our nice security guard. Slowly, calmly, and curiously - in typical Fr. David fashion - he heads in our direction. Beginning to wave our hands, tears come to my eyes as recognition sweeps over his face and we are greeted by his warm, somewhat quizzical, smile. On the phone with Cele, Elena motions for me to go get her. I wave her down and beckon her forward with a much over exaggerated arm motion. Her response is the only rational thing to do: take off her glasses and run!

Arriving near the “do not pass” zone, we have to basically catch her body to stop her from repeating our episode with the alarm and flashing lights. Fr. David can’t leave and we can’t enter but our new friend (the security guard – who is clearly on our side but respectful of the rules of his job) holds the door open to ease our communication. Little is said but everything understood.

With watery eyes we wave and smile to show our love and support for a man we’ve had the privilege for many years to call “Father.” Here he stands before us, “bishop elect”, yet the same simple, humble, virtuous, funny, composed man we’ve always known him to be. Father…Pastor…Friend, he stands before us his usual self, never long to linger where lingering is not necessary. Having warned him not to heed the missed calls and messages he can find on his phone from us, we make a final wave and with full hearts return to the car.

Some might say that it wasn’t enough to see each other from a distance of 15 feet. That it wasn’t worth the emotional investment or taking an untraversed route. Others might want to congratulate our successful attempt at “stalking” and Sherlock Holmes-like investigation. But we have a different tendency in our community: that of relying on Divine Providence. There is no doubt in our minds that God orchestrated this meeting today down to the last detail. Every stop, delay, road construction, wrong turn. All the skills and individual characteristics of today’s travelers. Fr. David’s thirst and decision to buy a water from that vending machine at that exact moment…Surely our collaboration was encouraged, but it was God who played the true protagonist in today’s story…

…Let us unite in prayer for our beloved pastor and dear friend Bishop Elect David Konderla as he prepares both spiritually and humanly to answer this call quite literally in taking up his place as Shepherd of the flock of Tulsa, Oklahoma.”

Where is my heart

                Where is my heart?...Where is NOT my heart? I’m about to move to Rome! That means leaving all I’ve ever known, packing up the little I’ve chosen to keep, and planting roots in a place I’ve only ever visited! I have all kinds of emotions running through my head and heart in these weeks: excitement, fear, nerves, joy, hesitation, eagerness, sadness, exhaustion, overwhelmed-ness…peace. Peace. The most consistent feeling I have amongst those which are rapidly changing is peace. A deep-seeded peace as if a cushion for my heart to rest on, rocking it back and forth assuring me with confidence.

                Moving to Rome to be in formation with a religious community is certainly a “no” to many things (regularly seeing family and friends, living in my own culture, speaking my own language, pursuing a human love of a romantic nature…). But what many don’t talk about in the arena of a religious vocation is what one says “yes” to. It is the “yes’s” – Christ’s promise of “the hundredfold” – that bring peace to my heart. Moving to Rome is not a decision made purely on my own whim. Jesus has invited me to follow Him there, and I’ve learned that God will not ask us to go to Africa if He doesn’t first place Africa in our hearts.  In moving to Rome I get to take another step towards the call I’ve felt in my heart pretty strongly for 3 years now – the call to give myself completely to Him by consecrating myself to him and living according to the life of an Apostle of the Interior Life. Only in going to Rome, beginning to study, and living the daily, ordinary life will I be able to continue my discernment and truly come to recognize God’s plan for me. Following Christ is exciting! It’s an adventure full of what some might call “unknowns” but what I’d rather look at as “opportunities to trust.” Even amidst the struggles and challenges – the things that stretch us – there is so much joy and love! I personally experienced this reality this past year living out life in community, intense daily prayer, active apostolate, and continual study. Jesus has led me this far, I have no reason to lose hope in His continued guiding presence.

                Many have asked me what I most look forward to about being in Rome. There’s a lot to be said as an answer but something really dear to my heart is living in the ordinary. I can’t wait until waking up, praying, going to school, having meals, doing chores, experiencing joys and difficulties…all in Italian and all in Rome is just normal for me. This is not a desire for Rome to lose its charm of being the “Eternal City” full of ancient wonders and marvels of the Church. I’m not sure if that is even possible, especially for a history and Church lover like me. What it is though is a desire to live life side by side with the Lord peaceful and content with wherever I am because I am with Him. There is a simplicity that comes with just being His, and in this simplicity lie my deepest desires.

Prayer Intentions

                I would obviously appreciate many prayers for me and my family in this time of transition as we all adjust to life separated by the ocean - may we all have the grace we need for the present moment. I’d also like to ask prayers for my brother and his fiancé Jen as they prepare to be married in March. Finally, I ask for prayers for my overall journey and for the journey of the community – that we may follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit in the guidance of Jesus our Good Shepherd into the arms of our Good Father.

With much love,

Cherise

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My beautiful family :)

Brandon and his fiancé Jen

The Sisters and me from the Texas House 2015-2016