The hope of being loved forever

2But early in the morning he arrived again in the temple area, and all the people started coming to him, and he sat down and taught them. 3Then the scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery and made her stand in the middle. 4They said to him, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the very act of committing adultery. 5Now in the law, Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?” 6They said this to test him, so that they could have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and began to write on the ground with his finger. 7 But when they continued asking him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let the one among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8Again he bent down and wrote on the ground. 9And in response, they went away one by one, beginning with the elders. So he was left alone with the woman before him. 10Then Jesus straightened up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” 11She replied, “No one, sir.” Then Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you. Go, [and] from now on do not sin anymore.” (John 8: 2-11)

What was the experience of this woman who found herself torn from the lustful embrace of one man, faced with a horrid and shameful death, and immersed in the loving gaze of another man in what could have been a mere matter of minutes?

This is my question at the beginning of the year Pope Francis has declared the Jubilee Year of Mercy.

And the following is my meditation on it thus far…

Pushed before Him she couldn’t bear to lift her gaze. After being dragged across the town for all to see her in her disheveled clothing and hear the jeers and accusations of the town’s religious leaders, her first instinct was to cover her face and wish truth upon the words: “if I can’t see them, they can’t see me.”

What were they saying? “Stone her.” Stone me? Well, that is the just punishment for my sin. I know the law. Fear began to take over. Shaking, she listened as the conversation preceded…one-sided. Why isn’t He responding? What is he doing? With a burst of curiosity, she peered between her fingers at the man she was brought before. Why is He writing? Taken aback at the calm with which He operated she couldn’t help but see the matter as pressing. They want to stone me. Can’t you just answer them and get this over with?

He stood up and she returned to the meager refuge her veil could give, not wanting to meet His eyes. Here it is. The time has come. “…the one without sin cast the first stone…” Bracing herself for the first blow she tensed up. Please…someone… Hearing the first stone drop and thinking it to be a missed throw she let out a soft whimper. …anyone…please… And the rest followed. One by one. Did they all miss? What’s happening?

This time she removed a whole hand. He’s writing again. Peering shyly over her shoulder she saw retreating feet and a pile of unused stones. Where are they going? Is it over? “…He was left alone with the woman before Him (8:9)”. Overtaken by emotion, the silence she had been struggling to keep finally broke and messy sobs came forth from her. Dropping both hands and allowing her veil to fall she looked to the only Man left before her as He looked up and met her gaze. Who are You? Mesmerized by His gaze she couldn’t turn away no matter how much she wanted to. He was looking at her, not her body, not her utility…her person. Here was a Man not ashamed to be seen with her. Not ashamed to stand up for her. But even more than that. He wanted to be in her presence. He wanted to save her. Where were all the others? Those who came to and left her in secrecy? Those who found her to be “pleasing” and “to their tastes”? Where were they now? Those who never actually looked her in the eye, and if they did, what was in their eyes if not hunger, darkness, greed… But in this Man’s gaze…there is only gentle tenderness. These eyes are clear and knowing. You know me, don’t You? You know everything. And yet, You did this. You saved me and then stayed…without asking any favors. Why? Who are You?

Rising up He kept her gaze, never once straying His eyes. Standing in the middle of a dusty road half dressed, hair disheveled, tear-stained face the woman never felt more beautiful. Growing within her was a sensation for which she no longer had words to name. “Neither do I condemn you…” Could this be it? Is this what it feels like? For the first time in her life, since the innocence of her childhood, she was filled with hope: the hope of being loved forever…just as she is.

Writing this meditation I have to ask myself: Do I believe in God’s mercy? Do I believe that God loves me now as I am? When I come before Him to receive His love, do I do so drenched in the filth of my brokenness and sin or do I try to clean myself up before? And if I try to clean myself up, is it because I doubt His power or His love? And why?

These are the questions at the forefront of my mind at the start of this Jubilee Year. And my prayer is for the grace to truly encounter the Lord’s mercy and be transformed by the truth of His love that says to my heart: Come as you are.

“Mercy is a bridge between God and man that opens one’s heart to the hope of being loved forever despite one’s sinfulness.” – Pope Francis’s Bull for the Jubilee Year of Mercy

Love Simplifies

“Simon, son of John, do you love me?” –John 21:17

Over the past months, the Lord has been patiently leading me by the hand, giving me a gentle tug when my feet halt, extending out His other arm when I stumble, and more than anything, waiting in the times when my hand lets go of His.

It would be silly to lead with “it all began when…” since it is imperative to recognize that He’s been leading me by the hand all along. However, this phase of the journey distinguished itself on Holy Saturday of this year (2015). Meditating on the first thoughts that morning of two of Jesus’ closest followers, I found myself astonished by the stark contrast between Mary and Peter. In my prayer, Mary woke up within the city walls with a tear stained face but overwhelming peace and hope in her heart. Moreover, there was a joy and trust in the expectation of what was to come. Her suffering would not be in vain. Rather, it would become redemptive, united with that of her Son. Peter, on the other hand, hardly slept at all. Wide-eyed and trembling, he had gone as far as his feet could take him. Running through the night looking for any place to hide. Anguish filled his entire being. “What just happened? They say He’s dead. But…how can this be?” Without prompting it, His mind flashed through the miracles, the manifestations of His divinity, the Transfiguration. “He said He was the Son of God. I said He was the Son of God. But…how could this happen to the Son of God?” Even fresher on his mind was the last gaze he exchanged with his Master and Friend. “If He is who He said He is – who I said He is –, then I betrayed the Son of God…three times.”

What is the difference between these two? One has lost all hope, blinded by the events of the world. The other has maintained her hope by focusing on Christ. One turns in on himself for understanding and comfort. The other turns to her Lord in prayer. And the irony of it all? He who left: doubts; she who stayed, standing, looking at Christ: believes. Mary gave everything in staying while Peter held everything back in fleeing.

What was the Lord speaking to me through this imaginative prayer?

Don’t turn away in fear from the cross. Stay. Remain in My love. If we keep eye-contact, you can walk on water. Your faith will not be taken from you. Your hope will not subside if you stay with Me, watching and praying. It is in the moment that you turn from Me, inevitably to the world, that doubts creep in and your mind gets clouded and complicated. Look at Me. I am simplicity. Learn from Me. Give all of yourself and you will rise. But to rise, you first have to die…to journey through the cross. So at the first sign of difficulty, pain, suffering don’t turn away. I can’t heal or soothe what’s not broken. Face the cross; bear it so I can carry it with you. Let Me be your Way, your Truth, and your Life. Let Me draw you to Myself. Let Me consume you in My love. Let Me be yours so that you can be Mine. (journal entry April 4)

Let Me be yours so that you can be Mine. These words have followed me so closely since that first prayer. Both as a joy and a mystery. How can You be mine Lord? How can I ever make that claim over You? (journal entry April 7). But oh how I want to…

Over the months Jesus has unpacked this mystery for me. His word truly is alive as it continues to draw me in deeper beyond what appears to be its greatest depths. Throughout the summer His invitation was clear and consistent: Choose Me. (journal entry July 3)

“For whoever would save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” (Mt16:25)

Oh how often I seek to save my life. With my gaze fixed on myself, I spend my days dodging humiliation and tiptoe-ing around opportunities to serve. Dying to self has no attraction for me. But His voice does and His voice calls: Look at Me. Choose Me.

In the more recent months I have found myself in a greater struggle between my strong desire for simplicity and my unfortunate tendency toward complication. I can be rather mental and analytical which can be a strength, but when focused on oneself becomes merely an engine of exhaustion and discouragement. My own voice – a whisper compared to that of God – and my feeble attempts at controlling my spiritual life left me with the sensation of staring at the previous months of simplicity, stillness, and intimacy with the Lord through an impenetrable glass wall.

“I miss You Jesus. Externally so many things have been going on but interiorly? I just want to be with You. Why has that become so difficult? I feel like there’s a lot of stuff inside, cramped and crowded creating tension and distraction. There’s a lot of mental activity also. But prayer isn’t just mental. It’s an act of the heart and the will as well. Find me in this mess Lord and free me with Your love, peace, hope, joy. Give me a greater trust in You.” (journal entry Oct 11)

It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when I finally allowed the Lord to break through the barrier I had become for myself. I can say however as has been my experience, the moments of greatest recognition of God’s Voice always immediately follow an act of complete abandonment of myself to Him. I only truly tune into the Voice of the Good Shepherd when I see myself for what I am: a helpless and broken, undeservedly and incredibly beloved, little sheep. When I surrender to my need for the Lord, I hear His Voice in a way that is so certain that even later moments of desolation can’t convince me otherwise.

This particular day was difficult as I came face to face with the brokenness that is most currently manifesting itself in my life. Having turned my gaze in on myself, the levies I’d constructed to hide from it in my attempts to control and fix it were buckling under its surging waves. Alone in my room, I received an invitation to go to the Lord. There in the chapel I broke down before Him and gave Him what He wanted: me in the helpless mess that I am. And you know what? He spoke directly to my fear. His voice was clear and cut through all loneliness and discouragement. “How could I give you up?” (Hos 11:8) The next day all I longed for in prayer was to be with Him who couldn’t give me up. Still finding difficulty in the silence, I sat amidst peace and comfort that I hadn’t known in longer than I realized (journal entry Oct 14).

This led me to return to perhaps my favorite passage in scripture: John 21. Recalling to mind Peter and his mental and emotional state after the passion, death, and resurrection of his Lord, I entered into another imaginative prayer. “Cherise, do you love Me?” He asks for the third time. “Lord, You know everything. You know that I love You.” “Follow Me.”

“I’m discouraged by my brokenness and all You ask is: ‘Cherise do you love Me?’

All that is required is love of You…then I can follow You with trust, remaining in You, bearing fruit, being Your disciple and thus glorifying the Father.” (journal entry Oct 25)

Like to Peter, the Lord asks me to let go. To not try to control or cover up, much less fix my brokenness. That is His to deal with. My task is simple. I must love Him. I must fix my gaze on His face and remain in His love.

“Your love of Me makes you beautiful.” (journal entry Nov 3)

“Let Me tell you of your beauty.” (journal entry Nov 8)

My meditation today sent me on a journey into the past. A journey of gratitude and amazement. I was searching for Him but in the wrong context. I couldn’t reach Him so I started to move, but the motion only distanced me further. He doesn’t ask for my doing. He asks for my being. This whole time the Lord has been calling me into His stillness. “Do what a lover does” He beckons. “Sit and stay awhile. Remain in Me” (Jn 15:4).

The path of perfection is love. Love simplifies and brings unity. (Meditation by Fr. Steve Beseau)

“Love Me as a response to My loving you.”  (journal entry Nov 9)

“If my primary identity is that I am loved, and doing comes from being, than my primary mission is to respond to that love...That which is deepest in my being is the simplest thing because it is what I was created for – to love You. I am fulfilled only when I’m loving You with everything that I have, am, and will be.” (also Nov 9)

All that is required of me is love because after love everything else follows.

Jesus’s answer to my prayer for simplicity: “Love Me.”

“Love simplifies. Love is simple. I am Love.” (journal entry Nov 9)

Who Are You?

               With the sound of my phone’s alarm my day begins at an hour that always seems to be too soon. Many mornings my first thought is “not enough” in reference to my time in bed but I get up nonetheless…usually before the sun. Breakfast has to happen right away in order to respect my first appointment. The appointment that requires this particular morning routine. These days Dad still leaves before me and Mom gets the most time at home out of the three of us. This doesn’t stop her from waking first and making sure our mornings go smoothly.

With a quick hug and a kiss I am out the door and navigating to my car sometimes with the light of my phone. I intentionally avoid the grass even if it makes my trip a little longer. It’s one thing to start the day off on the wrong foot. It’s another to start it off on two wet ones.

The drive into town is longer than normal because I don’t like to feel rushed and I need to keep my eye out for any critters – big and small alike – that might try to beat me across the road. If the weather is nice, the windows are down and my nose is filled with the fresh scent of the countryside not yet awakened to the roar of manmade machines but alive with the sound of its natural inhabitants.

Arriving as only the 10^th or so car in the parking lot, I hurriedly make my way inside recognizing that my calm pace has put me right on time for my appointment. I suppose I’m prepared as I’ll ever be. Taking my usual seat I notice the sensation of home and familiarity warming my heart. I take a glance around at the 20ish people joining me, all seated in their regular spots as well.

We begin in unison and proceed to participate in our every morning ritual. Each has his or her own variations but the objective remains the same. By now, some of us could do this in our sleep it has become so habitual. In fact, some days I find myself unwillingly trying to as my eyes can’t seem to stay open and my head can’t seem to hold itself up.

Why do I keep coming? Why do I set my alarm an hour earlier than I did last year just to fit this appointment in before school each morning? I ask myself these questions out of curiosity more than with the intention to stop. Any doubt I have about coming always goes away when I enter the room.

Who are you? What do you want with me? I look up at the climax of our time there and find myself caught in the gaze of my reason for coming. This is the one I’m fascinated by. The one that attracts me here every consecutive morning. But I know nothing about you. We only see each other here. Why do I feel as if you know me better than I know me? That my time here with you is just the beginning? That in reality, you are with me always? Who are you? This is the haunting question that draws me back morning after morning. This is the person that calls me out of bed more gently and convincingly than my phone’s alarm.

“Go in peace,” he says. We’re dismissed. I leave immediately and return to my normal day’s routine. Some days it is harder to leave almost as if you’re asking me to stay. Many times on those days I leave just the same, but not without the lingering thought of you. You who slowly begin to follow me and find me throughout my day. And I will let you do it. I’ll let you infiltrate my life until that question, burning in my soul, is answered. Who are You?

My experience as a senior in high school who had received the tremendous grace of desiring to attend daily mass each morning before classes. It took me a long time to truly encounter this Person who was continually attracting me to Himself through the gift of His Body and Blood. And when I did begin a personal relationship with Him through a slowly growing prayer life outside of the mass, my encounter with Him in the mass only became more beautiful. Thank you Jesus for having the patience and love to call me to You day after day filling my small, stoney heart with the amount of Your love that You know I am able to receive now, so that in time, my heart will grow greater in its capacity to receive You and turn into a natural heart bursting from the insides with love like Yours. Thank you for the gift of the Holy Mass.

"The journey is not long..."

*Here is a little fruit from our monthly retreat we had yesterday (19 Sept).

Il cammino non e’ lungo se si ama la persona che si va a trovare. – Proverbio africano

                My journey is not long, burdensome, or impossible as long as I focus on the love I have for You who I am walking towards. Although there may be fog between the end of the dock and your face, with my eyes fixed on You, the fog will not discourage my continual steps. When You beckon me forward into the fog, I will go because all I see is You. In fact, with an increasing love for You, the knowledge that You are my end – that You are what I am heading towards – will fend off all fear or temptations to ignore or set aside the crosses along the way. If I see all things as a gift from You, as a means to draw closer to Your Heart, what “bad” can I receive? Of what can I be afraid? From what can I run or hide? With what strength can I resist that which leads me to Your Holy Face? No, this journey is not long if my goal is love.

                But if it is not love. If my goal is personal perfection in a warped attempt to be worthy of the Richness that is You. If I focus less on You and more on myself. If I rely not on You but on me. Then, Your Face is no longer visible behind the thickening fog which encompasses me and closes me in. Then, I am overwhelmed with discouragement and fear overtakes my trust. I am paralyzed. I do not move. I no longer see my journey as such but convince myself that I have only one fleeting moment in which to fulfil my every worldly desire. I fail. I, in self-dependence, fall into despair and see my journey as too “long” to go on.

                The choice is mine. You place it before me. Your gentle call is not forceful or demanding. It is steady and tender. It is given with a smile and a welcoming gaze. “Come my child. Be not afraid.” You know my every weakness and temptation. You know which part of my journey will be more hesitant and which will be more sure. But call me forward continually You do. In the lighter steps you are there to join in on the laughter and joy, and when my feet are heaviest You urge me on in quiet confidence. “Look at Me. Trust Me. Choose Me.” You are never discouraged by my missteps or the times I refuse to give my “yes”. Instead, You remain ever Faithful and True, there to pick up the pieces of my own guilt and discouragement for succumbing once again to the frailties of the flesh.

Yes, there is really only one choice in this life and from it stems all the rest. But this choice is not just made once. It must be made constantly – each day, each moment. It is a choice that I cannot cease to keep before me. In fact, it is a choice that is always before me. In each action, word, thought, and deed I am either choosing You or that which is not You. I am choosing Love or something less than Love. It is that simple. My journey can either be a string of yes’s or a pile of no’s. And when I find myself getting piled up amidst the thickening fog, I will hear Your Voice, meet Your Eyes, and tie a knot in my string with a yes. A yes to continue, to persevere, to make this journey. For it is not long when I love Who it is that I am going to find.

The journey is not long if you love the person you are going to find. – African Proverb

It's been forever...I know!

So...funny story. In May I wrote up a nice little "I'm going back to Italy tomorrow" post and tried to upload it to only find an error code that persisted all summer until...well...today. That's right. Just now I was clicking buttons and did something right because here I am typing furiously for fear that this is only a "limited time offer" or something and the error code is going to re-appear any second now!

However, there is good and bad news. The good news is that I continued to write throughout the summer even if it wasn't being published online. The bad news?...publishing them all now might just be a headache for us all. So...perhaps I'll share them at some point but you all might just be as interested in reading about my daily life now as I am in writing about it so...how about we give that a try first!

If y'all remember, the last time I wrote, I was finishing up (or had finished) college...yikes! I'm still getting used to the title of "alumni". I was preparing to go back to Italy for the second time to spend the summer with the community - the Apostles of the Interior Life - that I would begin living with in their Texas House in August.

Well...after a week with my "Italian Family", 10 days of pilgrimage, 2 weeks in Rome, and a month in the Italian Alps, it's September and I'm all moved into the Texas House with Sr. Celestina, Sr. Elena, and Sr. Tatum. Classes at the university have started up without me and we are slowly sinking into more of a routine after a hectic 2 weeks of cleaning, first meetings, and leadership and/or freshmen orientations.

Looking at the Freshmen I marvel at the time that has so quickly passed. Talking on the phone with one of my best friends who now lives in and goes to grad school in Colorado she said to me: "Why do we have to grow up?" as we lamented over not being together anymore. This brought about some reflection. Why do we have to grow up? Almost everyone at some point in their life asks this question. But I think it's time that we stop, because growing up is continuous. I mean, have you ever met anyone who has actually reached "up"? There is always something more to know, a deeper way to love, or another step to take. We are on a journey and we are certainly walking toward something - someOne. So why do we have to grow up? Because that is what we were created for! And along the journey instead of lamenting over what is "over", we should be thankful for it and then look around at the beautiful path we are currently traversing. More likely than not, we will soon be lamenting over the end of this present stage so let's endeavor to enjoy it, shall we?!

With that said, let me share with you a sneak peak into the life I'm currently enjoying! As I said, I live with Sr. Cele, Sr. Elena, and Sr. Tatum (I could spend a whole blog post explaining each of them but they may be reading this so I'll let you meet them through the stories and episodes I recount over the year). I'm literally spending this first year of Pre-formation living their life. Praying with them, sharing in community time with them, partaking in my share of chores, involving myself in the ministry/apostolate (evangelization and spiritual formation) as much as I can, and of course studying (Italian and Philosophy). It's only been a short while, and my feet have barely begun to brush up against sturdy ground as far as a set schedule goes so seemingly I couldn't recount to you much about their life. However, for the exact fact that we have not stuck to a rigorous schedule at all yet or haven't gone too long without a change of plans, I have been truly experiencing their life. You see, as an Apostle, it is important to keep in mind the 3 favorite words of my former boss. He'd always say before big ticket sale events: "You gotta be Tough, Flexible, and Optimistic!" These 3 words, in my opinion, - perhaps one of the Sisters reading this will correct me later - sum up the mindset behind the laborious and fruitful day of an Apostle of the Interior Life. I carefully choose the word "mindset" because surely a more important sustainer of an Apostle's day is the Lord Himself who gives of Himself in prayer so that the Apostle can fulfill her ultimate mission and bring others to an encounter with the Christ that continues to change her life everyday! So...once I've settled into something in the ballpark of a normal routine, I'll let you know how that is going.

In the meantime, I would like to share a little bit of the inner workings of my heart in these past couple of weeks with you. I can't say it's been all butterflies and dandelions but I have certainly experienced a tremendous amount of joy. So much so that I've been receiving comments quite often using a very specific word to describe my being: radiant. Since I joined the community, at least four separate times, in four separate contexts and two cultures I've been called this. But one thing, besides the word, always remained constant - I was called radiant in regards to my relationship with Christ and my belonging to the community. For me, this is a form of confirmation and a reminder. Confirmation of being where God wants me to be right now and a reminder that my joy is not for me alone. My joy is a gift from God that I must share with others. In fact, I hope that, in reading this blog, you too can share in my joy and find in your own heart the joy that only the Lord can give.

Oh...it's so good to be back!



The Texas House:
Me, Sr. Cele, Sr. Elena, and Sr. Tatum

My time at home in pictures

With limited time to write, I share with you a look at my home... :)

made peach jelly with Grandma

peach bread with leftover peaches (we had 2 trees that ripened all in one week)

the chapel I created in my closet for prayer outside of a church

Kolaches made for my graduation party with Grandma and Jen

Family + Jen at my graduation party!

Canned pickles

Canned peaches

Peach Cream Pie

We have fruit in the garden too!

My favorite veggie to pick...potatoes!

skyping with Bea

Picking cucumbers in rubber boots (it was muddy in there!)

I've always loved playing in the dirt and eating potatoes!

Hanging with Haley (and the rest of the canine crew!)

Laid out the pattern for my softball t-shirt quilt

make quesadillas with my best friend from High School

sealed the chimney on the roof with Uncle Pat

the rows of cucumbers are never ending! I pick for the social aspect!

mickey mouse potatoes

 

yum! And yet there are still so many in the ground!

The diploma frame Uncle Pat and I made and stained. Now my graduation is official!

Another version of Peach Cream Pie made with Grandma

Oh yea...I cut off 6-7 inches of hair

shucked corn and picked zucchini (as well as yellow) squash

a peach of pie for dessert while watching The Lion King

driving those country roads

one last look at home



heading out

I ate so well (and this is just one example) -- all veggies were fresh and handpicked from our garden!



prayed the rosary, baked, and talked with this beauty everyday!

As you can see, I'm quite blessed! These were just the times I thought to take pictures but so many more wonderful moments were shared and memories made.
Leaving was hard but I had much peace in doing so!

"You will go out in joy and be led out in peace" Is. 55:12

Leaving to Follow

A wise nun once told me, "we must leave in order to follow". She said this in the context of grieving the loss of time with her family upon her entrance into the convent. I now find myself in that same position...

More than ever, each moment passed here at home surrounded by the family that has loved and supported me all of my life is treasured and considered so very precious. Wednesday draws ever so near and reality sinks in deeper and deeper.

I know that leaving is temporary and that loving is forever, but the difficulty remains.

Today as I walked my grandma home I had to fight back tears. She accepts my leaving so beautifully and simply - perhaps even better than I do. I tried to "casually" mention that I won't be back until Christmas and after considering it for a second, she just stated: "well, you have to".

I have to. Yes, Grandma, this is true. I am certain that I must go. I know it in my head but mostly in my heart. I've been invited by the Lord. Not forced. As another wise Bride of Christ once told me: Jesus does not impose, He proposes. He extends His hand out towards me and beckons me so gently and lovingly, respecting my right to either choose or reject Him, desiring my freely-willed decision.

And my heart...it longs for Him too. My hand reaches out to meet His and my heart smiles. I rely on His promise: And behold, I am with you always, until the end of the age (Mt. 28:20). For I cannot, perhaps even should not, do this without it. Without Him.

Nothing makes sense outside of the context of Him. In fact, nothing exists outside of Him. We live and move and have our being (Acts 17:28) within the context of God.

And I leave my family, my home, all I've ever known in order to chase after Him who crafted my heart and placed in it a burning desire to know, love, and serve Him - to be with Him.

After all, when all my complication is stripped down to one base desire I've discovered that all I want is to live in the simplicity of being His.

Although none of this makes leaving any less sad or difficult, it does bring peace and confidence.

I know with absolute certainty that Grandma is right. I have to do this. I have to follow the Lord. I have to leave. And I know that Jesus will be with me the whole time because He said so and He is Truth.

So I have the peace and confidence that living my desire to simply be with Jesus will always be the right decision no matter where it leads me.  His hand will always be the one to accept and hold onto. His proposal should always immediately precede my "yes".

You're all I have, You're everything...Here's my heart, Lord.  (David Crowder)

"God expects each creature to serve and love Him according to its nature. The angels must love God angelically, that is, without heart, sentiments, affections – for they have none of those things. But He expects man to love Him humanly, that is, with all his heart, soul, strength and mind, and his neighbor in the same way. We are neither spirits nor ghosts, but human beings, and we cannot go higher than perfect humanity elevated by grace.

Your thoughts about Jesus are too narrow. He isn’t a bit like what you imagine. His Heart is as large as the ocean, a real human heart. He wept real salt tears when Lazarus died. ‘See how He loved him!’ He does not expect you to be a specter or a ghost. No, He wants you to be a thorough woman, wanting love and giving it, and when you leave those you love, He wants you to feel it deeply. Don’t be ever scrutinizing your poor little heart in fear, but look at Him. He possesses for you, His spouse, all that your poverty lacks.”

-Bl. Columba Marmion 

I give God thanks for the family that He's given me. A family that loves me with a Christ-like, sacrificial, unconditional love...so sacrificial and unconditional that they not only let me go but urge me onward. Although imperfect, their human love reflects His perfect divine love. I trust in His promise because He sent me my family as messengers that one can always trust Love.

As graduation approaches...

With the date of my graduation (aka date of the beginning of great change and a new transition) looming over me, I would like to share some thoughts.

There's a lot of emotion involved in leaving a place or state in life. And I've been experiencing that as my time in college here at A&M comes to an end.

As I come upon these final days I catch myself in moments of remembrance of what it was like to be a Freshman - or even a Junior - with the knowledge that there was much time ahead of me at this university. I remember also actually feeling like it was a lot. And although this brings a wave of nostalgia and even sadness at the fact that this "a lot" has been replaced with a very small "little", I am not dissatisfied with where I am at.

In fact, I wouldn't trade the person I am - the person I've become -, the position that I'm in, or the future that I have ahead of me for anything. I wouldn't go back to those days of having much time ahead of me in college.

Would I do it all over again? Yes...to the extent that I would do again what got me to the place that I am now - to the person that I am now. I would do again what allowed me to see how the Lord wanted to and did work through those events.

But I have to also answer "no". I would not do it all over again because I am happy where I'm at and I'm ready to be here, to move on, to begin the new adventures the Lord has in store for my life - to start this journey with Him.

These last four years have shaped me, formed me, and made me into the person I am today, the person who's ready - ready to follow the Lord, ready to be surprise by Him continually in this journey we call life. Yes it's difficult and no it's not necessarily always fun but I am ready. It's hard to leave the relationships that I've established and the places that I've learned to call home. But if it wasn't difficult than what was it for? I'm learning as I experience leaving more and more in my life that the difficulty of leaving comes from the existence of love in what I have to leave. And in a weird roundabout way the fact that this time of my life is difficult is actually affirmation that the time that passed immediately before this was beautiful and loving and life-giving. I wouldn't trade that for anything! In fact, I welcome this feeling of difficulty knowing what it signifies.

So for all of you about to graduate (from anything), change jobs, move cities, or enter into any type of transition period that requires a certain amount of "leaving", embrace this time of difficulty and challenge. Take it as a chance not only to solidify those relationships that will from now on be strained by physical distance but to strengthen also the relationship that is forever present to us - the relationship with our Lord. He is the one constant we have in this life and the next. Drawing close to Him during this time brings comfort, courage, and deeper understanding that we cannot achieve on our own. And through Him, we can recognize the years leading up to this point as a great gift and blessing so filled with love that it hurts to leave it behind.

Lord, I thank you for the difficulty of "leaving".

General Life Update...What's been going on?!

I realize that I haven't been keeping y'all simply up to date on the happenings of this semester so I thought that I'd take the time to touch on some of those things.

AACAQ

Ask a Catholic a Question (AACAQ) is a St. Mary's student-led outreach group that evangelizes on campus. It existed my freshman and sophomore year when I first participated in it but had since lapsed into a deep slumber. However, this year, thanks to the effort of a couple of dedicated students and the campus minister that harbored the original ideas for this organization, it has resurrected and made its presence known once again. The group consists of 12 members (appropriate no?) this semester with the idea of growth in the future.
Practically speaking, we go out on campus in no less than two wearing shirts that say "I am Catholic. Ask me why." in hopes of spreading the truth of Jesus Christ and His Church. This can manifest itself in several different ways depending on the Spirit's desire any particular day. We may be approached by someone or we may approach them.
Honestly, it can be difficult for me to approach someone to talk about God and the faith. I am sort of embarrassed and silly admitting this especially since I feel called to join a religious community whose charism is precisely evangelization and spiritual formation. However, it is a fact of my nature which is introverted at its most base form. Does this mean that I am unable to fulfil the mission of AACAQ or the Apostles? No. I can do anything with the help of God's grace. Does this mean that I will have to die to self and put myself out there in ways that for me may feel uncomfortable or awkward at first. You betcha!
An important aspect of evangelization is the personal encounter with Christ. The more that I encounter Christ in my own personal prayer, the more I grow in my desire to help others to know Him the way I know Him. And the more that I surrender to the Spirit when I am speaking His Name, the less nervous or fearful I am that I will say something wrong or not know an answer. These things will most certainly occur because I am human but the more open I am to the Holy Spirit, the more often that I will recognize Him speaking through even my broken humanity.
Chris, my evangelization partner, and I have similar hesitancies about approaching students on campus but have also both reaped the benefits of dying to self and courageously doing it anyways. Last Monday (during our hour commitment 12-1pm) we did just this in Academic Plaza to two different groups. Both times we ended up having beautiful conversations and sharing an aspect of the Catholic faith that was misunderstood or unknown by the other (i.e. Mary as an intercessor and confession).
Each Monday I nervously put on my "provocative" tshirt and am struck by a moment of dread at the thought of that fast approaching hour. And then I go to prayer (my start to each day) and I am blown away by the love of a God Incarnate who was not ashamed in all His divinity to take on the lowly flesh of my broken humanity and die upon a cross to save me from my sin so that He can spend eternity with me. I encounter a Person who is the only Source of the indescribable and unmatchable underlying peace and joy in my heart - the joy and peace of knowing that I am loved and that my life is in the capable Hands of the King of the Universe and my Good Shepherd. The nerves don't all run away at that moment but the conviction that God wants to use me as an instrument in spreading the Good News that this is true for each and every individual takes hold of my heart and the Lord's rod and staff give me courage.
We are all called to evangelize regardless of where we are or what our shirts say. Let us pray for the grace to do so in whatever way God is calling us to in our lives at this moment.

Jesus Is Lord

This lent, St. Mary's offered a parish wide program called Jesus Is Lord. Originally created by St. William's parish in Round Rock, this program seeks to bring its participants back to the foundation of Jesus as Lord of their lives. It is built on the premise that any and all theological knowledge or biblical analysis that we have means nothing if Jesus is not the Lord of our lives. Those things are there to build up and increase our relationship with Him who sits on the throne of our hearts.
During Jesus is Lord, the 600+ participants (both students and permanent parishioners) journeyed through several specific topics: God is Love, Human Sin, Jesus our Savior, Repentance, Discipleship. Each night consisted of 2 short talks by 2 campus ministers and 1 witness talk by a student or permanent parishioner. Then the group broke into 83 small groups to further discuss and share. I enjoyed the privilege of leading one of these small groups and growing with these 8 individuals throughout lent.
There was one talk that struck me (and many others) and will always be that which I remember the most from Jesus is Lord. It was given by Fr. David our pastor on the topic of Human Sin. He spoke about the cost of Jesus's sacrifice on the cross imploring us to see the crucifix for what it is when we enter a Catholic Church and behold it. He had us consider the great sin needed to accumulate such a debt and the great love required for an innocent, Divine Being to take on humanity just to pay it. At a certain point, he turned to face the crucifix and beginning to speak, his voice nearly faltered as he was moved to tears in contemplating this mystery of our great sinfulness and God's greater love.

"When we come into the presence of the crucifix, it should knock the wind out of us. It should leave us speechless. The fact that it doesn't is both a challenge and hope." - Fr. David Konderla

Evening of Lights

Another moving event that occurred during the Octave of Easter (the first week of Easter) was the Evening of Lights. This was an event brought in by the FOCUS missionaries and put on by 2 Dominican Priests and 2 Sisters of Life sisters. The evening consisted of a special blessing and Eucharistic adoration and was held (drum roll please....) on campus! Isn't that awesome?! Just imagine this: in the all faith's chapel (where there is no tabernacle) on a Thursday evening a line a students - amidst a larger group kneeling, standing, or sitting - wait to receive a blessing with St. Joseph oil (from Canada) for personal healing and healing among their family before proceeding over to the other priest holding the Blessed Sacrament in the monstrance and giving personal benedictions (blessings with/by the Blessed Sacrament Himself). This went on for over 3 hours without pause. For those who already received their blessing or had not yet entered the line, there was beautiful praise and worship music as well as opportunity for intercessory prayer with the 2 Sisters of Life sisters, the FOCUS missionaries and the Apostles of the Interior Life sisters.
I myself was personally touched and my heart moved during this evening. My prayer and hope is that many other students experienced this as well.

Fr. Benedict holding the Blessed Sacrament.
Photo Creds to Sam White. Thanks!

My First Criticism (to my face)

On the same Monday that Chris and I experienced the beauty in walking up to strangers to speak about God, I met with my first open opposition towards my future plans.
It came from a former professor of mine who I organized a meeting with just to chat. I enjoyed his class last semester greatly and respect him as someone who is very interesting to talk to because of his philosophical and intellectual ideas and viewpoints. I knew that the topic would come up and although I was not sure where that would lead, I was not expecting it to go the way it did. However, my reaction was most surprising of all. While he was making his case for why I should not pursue this further, I could not contain the large smile that covered my face. In fact I never faced all that I had feared would come with this type of opposition (i.e. unanswerable questions, shouting, ridicule, humiliation, embarrassment, etc...). Instead, I experienced a deep sadness that he does not know the Jesus that I know and realized that the God that he professes not to believe in is in fact not the God that I believe in either. Mostly, I was hurt that he had a bad experience that drove him away from the arms of the only One who will ever fulfill the Truth that he seeks.
I know that his opposition comes from a place of caring about me and genuine concern for my best interests. However, it also comes with a difference in worldview and a disagreement on the definition of freedom.
I do not know if anything that I said brought him to a deeper understanding of the loving God that I believe in. I pray that it did. I also pray that I was open to the Spirit speaking through me. It gives me peace knowing that it is not me that does anything but rather Him who uses me as an instrument.
Oh God, give me a greater disposition of openness to being your instrument.

AVI Meet the Parents

Another exciting recent event was the Meet the Parents day at the Sisters' house here in College Station for all of the Texas girls' parents to spend the day with the Texas Sisters and the 3 brothers from the AVI Male Branch that were present here this week.
It was so beautiful to have these three sets of parents of the Texas girls all meet and exchange their different levels of experience as parents of girls in formation with the AVI. I particularly enjoyed speaking with the Browns whose daughter Brittany has been in the community for 3 years. It was beautiful to see how close they have grown to the community over the years. I also enjoyed seeing Briana's family again whom I had met a few times before. It is always such a joy to meet the parents of one of your best friends and see so much of her in them.
Fr. Vince gave a beautiful meditation on joy (an important aspect of the AVI charism), and the Sisters cooked a wonderfully Italian meal from the deliciously "al dente" pasta to the perfectly creamy homemade gelato.
It was a good day!

Encounter

On the same night as the AVI Meet the Parents day, I went to the 2nd ever (my 1st ever) Encounter held at Christ the Good Shepherd Chapel at St. Joseph's High School in Bryan. This new event consists of a talk, great music, and best of all precious time adoring our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament. It was a beautiful way to spend the evening of a beautiful day.
I even met a few new people who run around in different B/CS Catholic circles which is always fun! I look forward to another opportunity to attend. For more information check out encounterbcs.org.

Muster

Ok Old Ags, you might find it hard to believe but even as a senior here at A&M, I just now attended my first Muster in Reed Arena. And I'll be the first to admit that I wish I had been going all along. What a beautiful tradition.
Alycia, my roommate and I, arrived quite early to ensure that we got good seats for us and our small group. While waiting we prayed a very distracted Rosary yet a beautiful one as we watched the names of all those on the world-wide muster roll call appeared on the screen. I had the joy of running into some friends I hadn't seen in a while and was marveled at the amount of Aggie Catholics my eyes kept coming across which made me feel all the more comfortable and at home there.
The event took on an even more special yet sobering tone as the name of my friend Karen Barnett was softly called and I answered "here" for her. It is one thing to participate in Muster by your attendance. It is another to participate with your "here".
It still feels unreal that Karen is actually gone but yet I have learned so much in these few weeks since her passing. I trust that she is in the eternal bliss promised by our Lord to those who love Him, and I have hope that we will one day bask in the light of that eternal embrace together.

"Softly call the Muster, let comrade answer 'Here'..."

Mr. and Mrs. Travis Klekar

Today my cousin got married to a beautiful girl that makes him smile in a way that I have never seen before. It is always a special thing to attend a wedding and see two flesh become one but even more so when you are witnessing the marriage of someone you grow up with. I have been through many things with Travis and many emotions moved through me today.

Today I did not witness my annoying older boy cousin get married. No, I witnessed a well-mannered, well-groomed, joy-filled, and charming young gentleman gently and attentively accept the hand in marriage of a beautiful young woman who clearly took his breath away the moment she stepped into the room. Today I was one among the few yet beloved members of the congregation who had the pleasure of intimate contact and conversation with both the bride and groom all afternoon/evening long. Today I FINALLY got a girl cousin on the Klekar side and man am I happy that it is Amanda!

Please join me in praying for this young couple that their dedication to God and dedication to each other only grows as the years go by. For blessings on their marriage and newly established family.

“So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” Mt. 19:6

...and that's about all I have to report for now. I know that I don't post much but know that many a blog-post idea comes to my mind. There just isn't enough time to develop all of them. Someday my rule of life might give this blog a higher priority but for now it will remain my hobby, my go-to on a free day. Thanks for reading!