The hope of being loved forever

2But early in the morning he arrived again in the temple area, and all the people started coming to him, and he sat down and taught them. 3Then the scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery and made her stand in the middle. 4They said to him, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the very act of committing adultery. 5Now in the law, Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?” 6They said this to test him, so that they could have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and began to write on the ground with his finger. 7 But when they continued asking him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let the one among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8Again he bent down and wrote on the ground. 9And in response, they went away one by one, beginning with the elders. So he was left alone with the woman before him. 10Then Jesus straightened up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” 11She replied, “No one, sir.” Then Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you. Go, [and] from now on do not sin anymore.” (John 8: 2-11)

What was the experience of this woman who found herself torn from the lustful embrace of one man, faced with a horrid and shameful death, and immersed in the loving gaze of another man in what could have been a mere matter of minutes?

This is my question at the beginning of the year Pope Francis has declared the Jubilee Year of Mercy.

And the following is my meditation on it thus far…

Pushed before Him she couldn’t bear to lift her gaze. After being dragged across the town for all to see her in her disheveled clothing and hear the jeers and accusations of the town’s religious leaders, her first instinct was to cover her face and wish truth upon the words: “if I can’t see them, they can’t see me.”

What were they saying? “Stone her.” Stone me? Well, that is the just punishment for my sin. I know the law. Fear began to take over. Shaking, she listened as the conversation preceded…one-sided. Why isn’t He responding? What is he doing? With a burst of curiosity, she peered between her fingers at the man she was brought before. Why is He writing? Taken aback at the calm with which He operated she couldn’t help but see the matter as pressing. They want to stone me. Can’t you just answer them and get this over with?

He stood up and she returned to the meager refuge her veil could give, not wanting to meet His eyes. Here it is. The time has come. “…the one without sin cast the first stone…” Bracing herself for the first blow she tensed up. Please…someone… Hearing the first stone drop and thinking it to be a missed throw she let out a soft whimper. …anyone…please… And the rest followed. One by one. Did they all miss? What’s happening?

This time she removed a whole hand. He’s writing again. Peering shyly over her shoulder she saw retreating feet and a pile of unused stones. Where are they going? Is it over? “…He was left alone with the woman before Him (8:9)”. Overtaken by emotion, the silence she had been struggling to keep finally broke and messy sobs came forth from her. Dropping both hands and allowing her veil to fall she looked to the only Man left before her as He looked up and met her gaze. Who are You? Mesmerized by His gaze she couldn’t turn away no matter how much she wanted to. He was looking at her, not her body, not her utility…her person. Here was a Man not ashamed to be seen with her. Not ashamed to stand up for her. But even more than that. He wanted to be in her presence. He wanted to save her. Where were all the others? Those who came to and left her in secrecy? Those who found her to be “pleasing” and “to their tastes”? Where were they now? Those who never actually looked her in the eye, and if they did, what was in their eyes if not hunger, darkness, greed… But in this Man’s gaze…there is only gentle tenderness. These eyes are clear and knowing. You know me, don’t You? You know everything. And yet, You did this. You saved me and then stayed…without asking any favors. Why? Who are You?

Rising up He kept her gaze, never once straying His eyes. Standing in the middle of a dusty road half dressed, hair disheveled, tear-stained face the woman never felt more beautiful. Growing within her was a sensation for which she no longer had words to name. “Neither do I condemn you…” Could this be it? Is this what it feels like? For the first time in her life, since the innocence of her childhood, she was filled with hope: the hope of being loved forever…just as she is.

Writing this meditation I have to ask myself: Do I believe in God’s mercy? Do I believe that God loves me now as I am? When I come before Him to receive His love, do I do so drenched in the filth of my brokenness and sin or do I try to clean myself up before? And if I try to clean myself up, is it because I doubt His power or His love? And why?

These are the questions at the forefront of my mind at the start of this Jubilee Year. And my prayer is for the grace to truly encounter the Lord’s mercy and be transformed by the truth of His love that says to my heart: Come as you are.

“Mercy is a bridge between God and man that opens one’s heart to the hope of being loved forever despite one’s sinfulness.” – Pope Francis’s Bull for the Jubilee Year of Mercy