Learning from wild flowers: December 2014

This post comes about a month after its contents were revealed to me but as a precious and important bit of news I decided to spread it gradually and personally. I am sorry to those of you who I was unable to contact in that way before you read this but I rejoice in getting to share it with you through my preferred medium of the written word.

Surprise! (...or maybe not?)

I am not sure onto whose ears this news will fall as completely unexpected or not understandable. Even those who have merely read my blog a couple of times could have detected (I hope) an interest I had in heading this direction. Truth be told it is something I've been prayerfully considering for a good couple of years now. These are not the kind of things you can decide over night (not without miraculous grace and trust at least).

To take you to the beginning would be impossible since seeds are always planted way before the first green sprouts forth from the earth. However I can give you a bit of an insight into the happenings of these past few years and the components that have made this choice not only possible but free and joyful.

First I must stress the importance of quality time in my journey. It seems to be an often unspoken truth that relationships cannot be built without intentionally seeking out time to spend together. Indeed how can two people relate to each other without the investment of time? In my experience, intentionality is a work in progress. However, the more time spent together, the more my desire to continue to show up grows. Even when the pool of discussion topics runs dry or an air of conflict fills the space between us, I cannot deny the tuggings from both my head and my heart to remain there in the presence that fulfills me, that has captivated my heart, and that never stops inviting me back.

Second I share with you the naturalness and gradual growth of this relationship that has led to "my next step". Many times over the last years I - rather foolishly - begged for a sign, a bright blinking billboard to grab my attention and hit me upside the head with my life's purpose. And all the while I moved forward, slowly and steadily, sometimes without even my own knowing. This growth - this advancement - has been so natural that upon reflection I realized that there was less of a choice to yet be made and more of one to recognize as having already been made. I'm sure many of you can relate. There comes a point in many relationships (especially those long term friendships that gravitate more and more towards dating relationships) when two choices are present: the recognition that the relationship is more than what it started as and must be embraced in its new definition OR the denial of the existence of the development usually leading to retreat and confusion for each involved. I opted for the former being honest enough to know that I am caught in something I don't want out of.

Thirdly I briefly mention feelings because although it is not advisable to stake much on them, they are a very real part of the human experience. For me, feelings (as expected) come and go. Sometimes they remain longer and sometimes they are simply absent. Contrary to my prior belief, it is in their absence that I discover my true sentiments. Willing to stay despite unpleasant or un-present feelings is one of the most real "yes's" one can say in a relationship.

Finally, I write a word about joy and peace. Throughout this recent period of my life which a friend once accurately dubbed "agonizingly beautiful", my true compass has been joy and peace. When I speak of them I don't mean feelings in the way I mentioned above but rather that foundational joy and peace that lies as a cushion just below my heart. Just this morning I was explaining their presence in my life especially during this past month to my roommate. There is this pervading joy and peace that underlies everything else. Even on the days that could have gone a lot better or in the face of my three final exams this week, I can't shake it. Some days I even want to be more upset, to pity myself, to break that annoying joy that won't go away but I just can't. It is this joy and peace that guide me and direct my steps, and with their presence I can't deny the surety of where I stand now and where I'm headed in the future.

So what is this big announcement? Do you really not know?

Over the past two years I have been discerning a call to consecrated life. In the past year I have discerned that the Lord is indeed calling me in that direction of giving my life completely over to him mind, body, and soul. Honestly it feels like the most natural thing in the world to pursue a deeper exclusivity with the One who has captured my heart with such tenderness and patience.

Concurrently I have been journeying with the Apostles of the Interior Life (that community I so often post about) and submitted my application in the middle of this fall semester. The news I received a month ago was of my acceptance! Thus, providing that I pay off my student debt (read more about how you can help me do that here), I will enter their community post-graduation in June of 2015. They have asked me to spend the summer with them in Italy (yippee!) and then to return to live with them in their house in College Station where I will spend my 1 year of pre-formation. Upon its completion and at the will of God, I will move to Rome for 5 additional years of formation before vows.

I could not think of a better time to enter a religious community than during the year that the pope has dedicated as The Year of Consecrated Life. In a letter to all consecrated he named one of his aims for the year as "to live the present with passion." He speaks of the Gospel saying "[It] is demanding: it demands to be lived radically and sincerely. It is not enough to read it (even though the reading and study of Scripture is essential), nor is it enough to meditate on it (which we do joyfully each day). Jesus asks us to practice it, to put his words into effect in our lives." In my own life I have heard Jesus speak in the depths of my heart. I have heard Him call my name and ever so gently ask of me my life.

It is my deepest desire first and foremost to follow the will of Him whom my heart loves and who I know as the source of all good, and it is my slightly lesser desire that this will lead me to professing the vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience in accordance with the Rule of Life of the Apostles of the Interior Life.

Prayers are welcome.

Now I desire to take you through a picture timeline of my journey with the Apostles. :)