Behind the Liturgy: The Graces

Ten days ago I consecrated myself totally and definitively to God as an Apostle of the Interior Life…and I am still smiling uncontrollably because of it. My heart is overflowing with joy that I can’t seem to hide, and it is only multiplied by the shared joy of others. But one thing I can’t seem to do too well is individualize each grace: there are far too many.

In the Gospel of John, the Beloved Disciple writes: “from His fullness we have all received grace upon grace” (Jn 1:16). What a beautiful way to describe my current experience. Grace upon grace…one grace after another…graces so close together that they become impossible to distinguish from each other. From His fullness: God lacks nothing, there is no emptiness in Him, and it is from that wholeness that He lavishes us with these graces, each one as full as the whole.

A day of one’s formal “yes” to their Vocation – be it consecrated life, priesthood, or marriage – is a particular day of grace. I would even venture to say that perhaps there is no time more grace-filled. Certainly, these graces continue to flow as we live out the call we received in Baptism and hopefully add to the totality of that “yes” with every new day…but on the day of that initial “yes” I do believe there is a special grace, a special gaze from the Father upon us.

But what do we do when the graces are so rich and so plentiful that we can hardly give them a name? (What a great problem to have huh?). As in many things, I find my response in the example of Mary. In the second chapter of Luke’s Gospel, our author tells us that “Mary kept all of these things, pondering them in her heart” (Lk 2:19). Mary kept all of these things: she cherished them, preserved them in their freshness, nourished them and kept them alive. Pondering them in her heart: Not in her mind but in her heart where she could simply be and share them with the King of her heart, Jesus.

This is the Lord’s invitation to me at this time. As I settle back into daily life in Rome: studies, house chores, community life, apostolate…I feel called to continue to sit in wonder at what the Holy Spirit has done in me with my few words and the offering of my little and fragile heart. Externally so much has remained the same and yet everything is different now. I may do the same actions as before but today, and from now on, I do them as a consecrated woman, as someone who has made of their whole person – mind, body, heart, and soul – a definitive gift to God.
So what are some of the graces that I have been keeping in my heart?

As already mentioned, I am finding much difficulty in directly naming each grace. Some were clearer than others but most seem to come as a package deal and smoothly blend into the rest. Here is an example of how some of the biggest graces I received are still intimately connected with each other…

One of my prayers since the beginning of my preparation was to arrive before the altar as aware as possible of the gift I was making of myself and of the gift I was receiving in my consecration. The morning of my consecration, but also the days leading up to it, there was a concrete certainty in me of what I was doing in each moment. I don’t know how to explain it – a typical trait of God’s graces – but I just knew with every step what I was doing and what my purpose was. A Scripture verse from one of the weekday’s First Readings stood out to me at this regard: A nation of firm purpose you keep in peace o Lord; in peace for its trust in you (Is 26:2-3).

And this leads into my next two graces: peace and joy. People kept asking me “are you ready?” or “how do you feel?” My response was usually a mixture of smiles, nods, and meek “yes’s”. Was I ready because of my own doing? Probably not. I mean I had years of a formative journey to prepare me but we all know that formation in its true sense is a life-long experience. My “readiness” – if we want to call it that – was not due to me but to Him. I was ready because I knew Him to be good to His promises and faithful to those who seek to love Him. I knew that His heart woul

d be a refuge and fruitful dwelling place in which to place my own. I would no longer need to be nervous or worry about my good. After all, my experience tells me that the Lord has always been good to me.

Even Bishop David Konderla spoke about joy in his homily.

This foundation of peace and calm freed my heart to experience and express openly a deep and childlike joy. I would consider myself a typically happy, smiley person who loves to laugh and look for the bright side of things but this kind of joy was new to me. I mean, it was familiar; I still felt authentically myself, but everything was enhanced and, in many ways, even more natural.

This joy seemed to be contagious and before long I found myself surrounded by smiles, laughter, and people just happily being themselves, which brings me to the final grace in this example’s chain of graces. Another prayer of mine in these recent weeks of preparation was that the day of my consecration, and in particular the Mass, would be a time of rejoicing together with all who were present physically and spiritually. I wanted everyone to not just witness my joy but to experience it uniquely and personally for themselves.

My first community photo as a consecrated member

of the Apostles of the Interior Life

But what does it look like for me to keep these many graces in my heart and ponder them there with Jesus?

Being an experience of intimacy and personal prayer, I imagine that this looks different for everyone. For me, the first important step is to make sure the motion is headed towards my heart and not my mind. I don’t feel that it is the time to really think, analyze, or come to conclusions. Instead I feel that it is a time of wonder, awe, integration, and rest.

Not too long ago I asked Jesus in prayer: “What do You desire?” It’s a beautiful question that I encourage you all to pose to Him sometime. In that particular prayer He responded like this: “I just want to be with you.” I understood then that I had been lately distracted by many preparations for my consecration – both practical and spiritual. Jesus was happy to be involved but since I asked, He wanted me to know that He didn’t want to just be the soundboard off of which I bounced my many ideas and project deadlines. He wanted to be with me just as I was which meant in my anxiety, in my excitement, in my creativity, in my being overwhelmed, in my tiredness…He didn’t only want to hear about it (that too) but He wanted to be invited into the experience of it.

And so it is now. Often I find myself sitting in prayer just being aware of the movements of my heart: of its joy, excitement, enthusiasm, marvel; perhaps also of the things that had gone differently than I had hoped. But instead of outright thinking about them (obviously my mind is involved) I find that I allow myself to just experience what my heart does. And in all of this, I remain aware of Jesus’s presence. I relate to Him what I feel, desire, perceive, hope, rejoice in… I just bask in knowing that He is there with me and that this makes Him very happy.

Now, it is certainly not a perfect prayer. Like always distractions seep in and my mind tries to take control and analyze things but my desire to just be remains. And, as my spiritual director once told me, “love grows with small acts of faithfulness.” I trust that the movement from distraction back to being present to the Lord in prayer is a very concrete small act of faithfulness, and boy do I get to make a lot of those!

I invite you to take to prayer these two Bible verses: “In His fullness we have received grace upon grace” and “Mary kept all these things, pondering them in her heart.” What do they mean to you? What graces have you recently experienced that you could share with Jesus? It’s true that these past weeks’ events have given me a particular opportunity to receive God’s grace but no day is without His goodness and we all have graces to thank Him for. I encourage you to recognize yours (whether you can name it or not) and thank Him today by just sitting for a moment in silence and sharing it with Him.

"My desire is simple. I just want to be His." And now I am!!

Behind the Liturgy: The Music

Music is one of the most powerful means of communication. It communicates various emotions straight to the heart: joy, excitement, fear, sadness, enthusiasm, wonder, praise… Music can even make us move without our awareness. How often have you caught yourself swaying or your foot tapping without having deliberately chosen to do so but because you were literally moved by the music? Or how often have you vividly relived a very specific memory and all of the emotions connected to it just by hearing the beginning few notes of a song? These are just small examples of how powerful music really is to everyone.  

On a personal level music has always been an important part of my life. Not necessarily for the activities in which I’ve been involved (although I did play the alto sax in Jr. High Band and have loved singing since I was a little girl), but because of its ability to accompany me in a moment, to change my mood from just okay to joyful, and to help me express myself in prayer. My parents tell me that at 15 months I was singing “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”, and one of my favorite ever received Christmas gifts from Santa was my very own karaoke machine. Since entering community I’ve discovered the gift of being able to guide others in a moment of prayer through song and have continued to realize how important a form of praise music is for me in my own personal prayer. 

Music is also very important in the Mass. When accompanying signs, symbols, readings, and realities, music has the power to help orient us to understand the message, the tone, and the theme of the day and the liturgical season. For this reason song choice really is not at all irrelevant to the overall experience of the Mass. We can see this very obviously at a time like Christmas when almost all of the songs have a joyous melody and lyrics that speak about the “New born Savior” and the “long awaited King”. These hymns, often familiar to us, help us more immediately enter into the right mood for the celebration of the birth of Jesus.

So with all of this in mind, I was not indifferent to the song selection of the Mass of my consecration. In fact, I prayed for months about what songs should accompany what moments. Not only did I want songs that I loved but also songs that could help to create an atmosphere that favored the full participation of all present. One of my greatest desires for this day is to provide the possibility for all to truly enter into the Mass and meet Jesus there. 

So with that said, here is my song line-up, why I picked each one, and what I hope it helps us to experience…

Opening Hymn: Praise to the Lord

The opening hymn has the important job of starting off the Mass and really setting the tone. It is the song that accompanies the entrance of Christ into the sanctuary. Christ is represented by the celebrant of the Mass (in this case the Bishop) as well as by the book of the Word of God which is usually brought in during the opening procession. Therefore this song aims to be joyful and full of praise as we all stand to welcome our beloved Lord who has called us to His banquet! 

Offertory Hymn: The King of Love My Shepherd Is

The offertory hymn is sung while the gifts of bread and wine are being brought to the altar. It is also the transition between the two main parts of the Mass: the Liturgy of the Word and the Liturgy of the Eucharist. I chose the King of Love my Shepherd Is first of all because it is one of my most favorite hymns. It has a sweet melody and its lyrics come from one of the most beloved psalms of all time: Psalm 23. Secondly, the words speak of trust in the provision of the Lord, our Good Shepherd, who sets a table before us and fills our cup to overflowing. These all seemed to me to be appropriate themes for an assembly who is about to take part in the Eucharistic Feast. 

Communion Hymns: Jesus My Lord My God My All; Eat this Bread

As implied by its name, the communion hymn serves to accompany the faithful in their receiving of Christ’s Body and Blood. Often these hymns either recall a theme in the readings or speak to the great and mysterious gift of the Eucharist. I chose two hymns that I believe are both beautiful and helpful in living this most important moment of the Mass. The first (Jesus My Lord My God My All) is a prayer to Jesus in the Eucharist asking for the grace to love Him “as we ought.” The second (Eat this Bread), quotes different scripture passages in which Jesus Himself speaks about His Body and Blood offered to us as our food. 

Thanksgiving after Communion Hymn: Behold

Thanksgiving after Communion is a very important practice for my community. In fact, part of our daily prayer is to remain at least 10 minutes after we have received Jesus to really make communion with Him. We often explain this practice with an analogy of a long awaited friend who has finally entered into your home. When he arrives you don’t just sit him on the couch and then run off to do other things. No, you stay and chat a while, enjoying his presence. And so with Jesus who comes to us so intimately in the moment of communion. To accompany us in this moment I chose the song “Behold” which puts Mary’s Magnificat into song. I like this version because of the way that it sings directly to the Lord: “And Holy is YOUR Name.” I hope that all present can truly make Mary’s words their own and sing to God with Mary’s same wonder and awe at His greatness. 

Closing Hymn: Love Divine All Loves Excelling

The closing hymn is one of triumph and praise. The Mass has ended. We have received the Bread of Life; and now we are called to go forth with Him to share this joy with all we meet. Again, I chose a song that can bring us to our feet and help us marvel at the Lord’s great and merciful love for us.

In this post I only wrote about the main hymns of the Mass. I’ll leave the rest as a surprise! For those who will be attending my consecration, I offer you the friendly challenge of allowing yourself to be moved by the music, to feel with the music, and to enter into the music that accompanies each moment…and please, sing along!

I also want to shout out a couple of thanks to some very special people. Mike and Laurita (Music Director and Assistant Music Director at St. Mary's) who enthusiastically helped me with song selection and have been very available to listen to my desires and help me find the best way to fulfill them. I also thank in advance the St. Mary's Student Choir who I know will so beautifully bring to life these very songs and do their part in helping the music lead us to a more full experience of the Mass. 

"The aim and final end of all music should be none other 

than the glory of God and the refreshment of the soul." 

- Johann Sebastian Bach

Behind the Liturgy: The Dress

As mentioned in a previous post, our community lives off of God’s Divine Providence. This means that the goods we have – the food on our table and the clothes on our backs – are all thanks to the Good Father who works through the generosity of others to provide for us. You can imagine then that, since our community doesn’t have a habit, I was kind of nervous at the idea of having to find an appropriate dress for my vows. In the past God has provided in different ways for this moment. Some sisters have put together an outfit from clothes already in their closet, others have received it as a gift from their family, and one even received a dress “in providence” (meaning that it literally arrived in a bag of clothes left at our doorstep) in the year leading up to her vow ceremony.

For me, God chose to work in a particular way through my parents. Both my mom and dad desired to not only pay for the dress but also to spend the time looking for it with me. This is quite virtuous, since they, better than anyone, know how hard I can be to shop with. (Let’s just say that it’s not exactly my favorite pastime.) But because of them, I now have a dress and I want to share with you my adventure in finding it…

I find the phenomenon of the wedding dress search to be quite fascinating. Perhaps this is so only because I just recently found myself living these dynamics in my own search for a vows dress. And, as many movies, bridal magazines, and countless bridal stores that never go out of business attest to, the search basically all comes down to one little criteria: it has to be perfect. Easy enough right? 

"Perfect" is a daunting word, especially when it's your only style preference, but it somehow works in the wedding dress industry. I mean, it really is as if the bride just knows. Maybe she'll have to try on a dozen dresses or go to a dozen stores (like me) but when she puts it on and sees herself in the mirror, it's like she just feels it or something and knows it's the one. 

But why is this part so important for the bride? Why does it really matter so much what she wears? Ever ask yourself these questions? Probably not because it is so ingrained in our culture (in many societies really) that no one questions it. They just know it to be true. 

For me, the only time I started considering this question, and its possible answers, was when it was finally my turn. As my search, which even had an online phase, continued on without finding "the one" I began to ask myself: Cherise, why does it matter so much to you what your dress is like that day? I even had the audacity to try to convince myself that my vows day was less important than a wedding day and therefore it was nonsense to fret over the dress. Which is ridiculous, by the way, because my vows day is the day I become the bride of Christ, therefore it's like a wedding day and so of course it is as important. 

(And just for the record: I do think it's nonsense to lose peace or sleep over a dress whether it be for a wedding day or a day of consecration. But I also believe it's not good to lose peace or sleep over pretty much anything unless there's a Holy Spirit led conversion of heart going on.)

So what, you ask, was my conclusion to this pondering? Why is it justifiable to think that my vows dress should be "perfect"? 

I'd like to preface my answer with one ulterior reflection on the wedding dress search. 

Who does the bride usually invite shopping with her: mom and dad (or at least mom), other important women in her life, her closest friends, and, perhaps, even her future mother-in-law. She might be willing to share pictures of it with those who couldn't come along to know what they think or to see their smile as they imagine her in it. But who is the one person whose opinion really matters? It's the same person with whom she cannot confront about the dress: the bridegroom. 

For the bride, turning the heads of everyone in the church means nothing if the groom is not the first to acknowledge her beauty. Many brides would probably sacrifice every compliment they received that day just to experience one more time the look on the groom's face when they first entered into view. You see, I agree with Katherine Heigl's character Jane in the 2008 romantic comedy "27 Dresses" as she speaks about that moment: You know how the bride makes her entrance and everybody turns to look at her? That’s when I look at the groom. Cause his face says it all you know? The pure love there.

Love. The bride wants to look perfect for love. And the bride is only able to achieve the "perfect" look because of love. 

She's not worried about the fact that her one criteria for the dress is that it be "perfect", and neither are we worried for her. We know that she will find the perfect one and that she will be beautiful. And we know this because "perfect", in this case, is the dress that makes her feel most herself and brings out in her the woman that her bridegroom is so utterly in love with. And when he sees her, when he sees the woman he loves and desires to give himself completely to, his face truly will say it all and everyone in the church will know that, for him, she is perfect. And this is why we, like Jane, after seeing the bride all dressed up in the one gown that gave her that mysterious but certain "feeling", steal a quick glance back at the groom to see his reaction. 

And so yes, the dress, be it for a wedding or a consecration, is important. Not for the sake of worldly beauty that the Book of Proverbs wisely reminds us is fleeting (Proverbs 31:30), but for the sake of the beauty of pure love. The dress plays a key role in that moment when everyone in the church, if just for a short time, is invited into a most intimate exchange of gazes between lovers and is reminded that pure love lies at the deepest roots of the human heart's greatest desires. 

And when I take those first steps down the aisle on the day of my consecration, I hope that everyone who looks at me does so only long enough to desire to see the Bridegroom, to seek His face, to wonder at the love overflowing from His gaze. I hope that any worldly beauty they see in me is recognized as just a mere reflection of a deeper interior beauty born and cultivated by the love of the One who awaits my total "yes" at the altar. And my sincere prayer is for everyone who, in that moment, asks themselves if there is a love like that out there for them; if there is a joy like that in this life for them. The answer is a resounding "yes". That love and joy is found in the same Bridegroom who never ceases to call His beloved, to call you: Come. 

You didn't actually think I'd put a photo of my dress on the internet before my vows did you? 

A thank you goes out to all who helped and supported me in my vows dress search: Mom and Dad (who bought it), my sister-in-law Jen, Aunt Sharon, my sisters in community especially Tatum and Catherine who came with me, Mother Mary - whose intercession was undoubtedly influential - and countless others who suggested websites, stores, and always reminded me that Jesus had a better dress in mind than the one that didn't work out. Y'all were right.

Behind the Liturgy: The Readings

As in every Mass, the first part of the Liturgy of my vows will be the Liturgy of the Word. Christ, who is the Word Made Flesh, makes Himself present to us through Sacred Scripture. Being the Mass of my profession of vows, I actually have the great privilege to choose the readings, psalm, and Gospel that will be read that day. Of course, the Church in her great maternal care, helps me out by also giving me a list of suggested readings for this event. 

The First Reading: Song of Songs 2:8-14

The sound of my lover! here he comes springing across the mountains, leaping across the hills. My lover is like a gazelle or a young stag. See! He is standing behind our wall, gazing through the windows, peering through the lattices. My lover speaks and says to me, “Arise, my friend, my beautiful one, and come! For see, the winter is past, the rains are over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth, the time of pruning the vines has come, and the song of the turtledove is heard in our land. The fig tree puts forth its figs, and the vines, in bloom, give forth fragrance. Arise, my friend, my beautiful one, and come! My dove in the clefts of the rock, in the secret recesses of the cliff. Let me see your face, let me hear your voice. For your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely.”

This reading from Song of Songs is very dear to me. It is this reading - with which I prayed intensely in the last days of December of last year - that accompanied me in the period leading up to the confirmation that I would be taking my vows. During the Mass it will actually be read by one of my sisters in Italian, so that my heart may hear once more the same words that first touched it so deeply and sweetly on December 21, 2018. 

What first struck me about this passage is actually lost in the English translation. In Italian, the verse “and the song of the turtledove is heard in our land” reads more like this: “the time to sing has returned.” With those words, the Lord was revealing to me that He missed my voice, that I hadn’t sung to Him in a while – which was very well the case. 

And from there my attention was brought back to a couple of verses before: “Arise, my friend, my beautiful one, and come!” Every woman desires to be called beautiful and to belong to someone, or at least I know that my feminine heart greatly desires these two things. In these few words I finally opened my eyes to see before me One who longed for me to lift my gaze and meet His. Someone who desired to call me His but who found in my heart many attachments to other lesser loves. Before me, asking for my love, was the only One with the power to make me love Him and yet preferred my freedom. 

“Let me see your face, let me hear your voice. For your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely.” At the conclusion of that first prayer with this passage, renewed in me were the spousal desires of my heart. As a bride, I desired to give a love to my Bridegroom that no one else could, to enter into the part of His heart that was reserved only for me. And so I prayed and asked Him how I could ever be so bold as to think I could fill Him who has never known emptiness. His answer was immediate and simple: give me that which I refuse to take from you: your free and total “yes” to my call. 

The Responsorial Psalm: Psalm 37

Response: Find your delight in the LORD who will give you your heart’s desire

Trust in the LORD and do good

that you may dwell in the land and live secure

Find your delight in the LORD

who will give you your heart’s desire.

Commit your way to the LORD;

trust in him and he will act

And make your righteousness shine like the dawn, your justice like noonday 

Be still before the LORD;

wait for him.

Do not be provoked by the prosperous,

nor by malicious schemers.

The valiant one whose steps are guided by the LORD,

who will delight in his way

May stumble, but he will never fall,

for the LORD holds his hand.

Although it will be sung in English, this is another passage from the Word of God that most strikes me in Italian. It is a psalm that has been accompanying me in my formative journey since my first semester in Rome three years ago. 

At the time, the words that most struck me were “that you may dwell in the land” which, translated literally from the Italian text I prefer, is more like: “dwell the land!” It first hit my heart as a battle cry. Dwell the land! which is to say, live in the present moment; root yourself in the concrete reality around you; work the soil with your very hands. It is in the present moment that we meet Christ and His grace. He has given us this reality because He knows it is what will bring us most swiftly and directly back with Him to the Father’s house where He longs to dwell with us for all eternity. It is a gift given to us in His mercy.

With time other verses began to touch my heart as well. “Find your delight in the Lord who will give you your heart’s desire.” What a promise!...and what a journey! It’s not always easy for us to arrive at truly seeing and believing that the Lord is our delight and that the desire of our heart that He fulfills is ultimately Himself. I am at the beginning of this journey.

“…and he will act”. Translated from my preferred version in Italian: “He will complete his work.” Another big promise. The Lord will finish the work He started in me. He is the one who called me. I seek to answer but only with the cooperation of His grace can I arrive at the destination He has in mind. 

“Be still before the Lord, wait for him.” Oh how sweetly these words have soothed my heart in the last few years. Often in the chapel I will repeat them countless times and just sit there, asking for the grace to increase my hope. 

“…May stumble, but he will never fall, for the Lord holds his hand.” What can I say? It’s a psalm full of not-so-little promises. 

The Second Reading: 1 John 4: 7-16

Beloved, let us love one another, because love is of God; everyone who loves is begotten by God and knows God. Whoever is without love does not know God, for God is love. In this way the love of God was revealed to us: God sent his only Son into the world so that we might have life through him. In this is love: not that we have loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as expiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also must love one another. No one has ever seen God. Yet, if we love one another, God remains in us, and his love is brought to perfection in us. This is how we know that we remain in him and he in us, that he has given us of his Spirit. Moreover, we have seen and testify that the Father sent his Son as savior of the world. Whoever acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God remains in him and he in God. We have come to know and to believe in the love God has for us. God is love, and whoever remains in love remains in God and God in him.

I’ll share with y’all a little secret: without even consulting the list of suggestions, I knew all of the readings I wanted for the Mass of my vows except for the Second Reading. However, the first time I saw this option on the list, I was immediately reminded of the encounter I had with God’s love six years ago in the Hannigan Chapel at St. Mary’s Catholic Center in College Station. 

When someone asks me about my vocation story I often share of this encounter (which you can read about here). It was in that experience of God’s immense love freely given to me that two desires were born in my heart: (1) to know this God who loved me so much, and (2) to discover my personal way of responding to that love. 

“God is love.” Recently one of my sisters here in Rome gave a meditation and quoting this verse encouraged us to reflect on it asking the Lord: how are You loving me today? She even challenged us to ask Him this question in our suffering. If God is love, He cannot not love us in every moment. Following this logic, allowing us to suffer could very well be a way in which He loves us. But how? I think I could spend a whole lifetime reflecting on that, but for now, I think this daily practice is good for all of us: God, You who are Love, how are you loving me today?

“Beloved, if God so loved us, we also must love one another.” If this isn’t an evident need in our world today, I don’t know what is. But loving others isn’t easy so we can’t do it with just the force of our own will. We must first recognize the love God has for each of His children to be able to go beyond our own weaknesses and selfishness in loving one another. Heavenly Father, please give us this grace. 

“We have come to know and to believe in the love God has for us.” Have we really? Some days I can answer “yes” to that but, if I’m honest, there are many others in which my thoughts, words, and actions testify to a different message. With this reading, let us ask for the grace to truly live from the belief and knowledge of God’s immense love for us!

The Gospel: Luke 1:26-38

In the sixth month, the angel Gabriel was sent from God to a town of Galilee called Nazareth, to a virgin betrothed to a man named Joseph, of the house of David, and the virgin’s name was Mary. And coming to her, he said, “Hail, favored one! The Lord is with you.” But she was greatly troubled at what was said and pondered what sort of greeting this might be. Then the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. Behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall name him Jesus. He will be great and will be called Son of the Most High, and the Lord God will give him the throne of David his father, and he will rule over the house of Jacob forever, and of his kingdom there will be no end.” But Mary said to the angel, “How can this be, since I have no relations with a man?” And the angel said to her in reply, “The holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. Therefore the child to be born will be called holy, the Son of God. And behold, Elizabeth, your relative, has also conceived a son in her old age, and this is the sixth month for her who was called barren; for nothing will be impossible for God.” Mary said, “Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word.” Then the angel departed from her.

Mary is the woman of the perfect yes. Before an abyss of the unknown, she responds to God in total trust. She does not concentrate on the missing details or the struggles that are sure to come of this unthinkable situation. She looks with love to the One she knows loves her, and she trusts Him. 

The fact that I am making my vows the day before the Feast of the Immaculate Conception of Mary is no accident. It is actually quite intentional that an Apostle of the Interior Life make her vows on or near a Marian feast day. Why? Because Mary is our model. She, and she alone, can say to have cooperated so completely with the grace of God to have followed His will perfectly in every moment of her life. 

I, too, desire this totality in following the Lord, and this Gospel passage when read as if for the first time really stirs up in the heart that marvel and awe that inspires to aspire. In the same moment that I recognize myself incapable of such a response, I feel encouraged and dare to dream it possible for me. Mary’s presence has that effect. She fascinates with her boldness and courage that go beyond what we would judge to be humanly possible and, then, she gently holds out her hand and invites us to come along for the adventure as if it were the most natural thing to do. 

I pray that this passage may be for all of us not only an inspiring story about another but a catalyst for our own story. May we join Mary in her hymn of trust: be it done unto me according to Your word.

The Annunciation 1894 Frederick James Shields

Mary, Mother of God and our Mother…pray for us.

Behind the Liturgy: the Vows

So I thought I’d start with talking about that which mostly defines the Liturgy on December 7, the day for which I am preparing with a full heart: the vows.

As you know, a wedding ceremony includes a moment of exchanging “the vows”. This is the moment in which bride and groom fully commit themselves to the other “…for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, ‘til death do us part.” The vows I will take, like marriage vows, are a binding commitment. By saying my vows, which will be done in a short formula that I will read in the middle of the Mass, I will be giving myself completely to God.

As we move into looking at each vow individually, I just want to start by saying that this post will not be a theological treatise. There are so many ways to speak about the vows and so many angles from which I could approach the topic but I believe the best is really just to share of my personal journey with them. So here goes…

The vow of Chastity: Lord, I give you all that I am. 

This is perhaps one of the most misunderstood and yet fascinating of the vows to society. You wouldn’t believe how many times the only reaction I get from people when I share of my way of life is “so you can’t get married?” 

On one hand, I am consoled by the value that the world still puts on human love. It is widely recognized as a sacrifice to not experience the blessing of marriage. On the other hand, I am also inspired to seek new ways of expressing the beauty and fullness in the love experienced in the consecrated life. 

It would be a lie, and really quite silly, to say that at the moment I decided to pursue the consecrated life all desire for human love in me vanished and my eyes became no longer capable of recognizing the beauty of marriage. If anything, my awareness of its goodness actually increased. 

But along with that awareness grew another: if what I am saying “no” to is so good, how much more good – for me – will be that to which I am saying “yes”? 

You see, I didn’t wake up one day and just decide to renounce one of the greatest human goods one can experience on this Earth: the vocation of marriage. Instead, I encountered another love, another Lover. And as I naturally continued increasing the amount of silent prayer in my day, I realized that upon me was a gaze that I hadn’t known before, and inside of me was a sensation that I hadn’t felt before. All I wanted was to know more and more about this One who looked at me in that way. And as His ways became familiar, and yet remained ever capable of surprising me, I began to ask the question: how can I respond to Your love? For me, I’ve found that the only way is by giving all: all that I am. 

And so, to be chaste means to give all that I am to the Lord and to have a single heart and single mind for Him. This is not just figurative. It has a very corporal meaning. My body belongs to Him and to no one else. Even the way I move must reflect my being totally His. My hands, therefore, must serve His people with a gentle touch and determined perseverance. My feet are for following: to literally go where He goes. My eyes, transformed by His gaze, must look upon others as who they truly are: beloved children of God. My mouth must speak words of love and peace and should say His name with a sweetness reserved only for Him. 

Contrary to common belief, the vow of chastity will not enslave me but rather, it will set me free! I will be free to love the Lord in an exclusive and total way. It, along with the other two vows, announces to the world that God has a claim on my heart and I have a claim on His. It allows me to say in a binding and official way that which is at the deepest core of my heart’s desire: I am Yours and You are mine. 

The vow of Poverty: Lord, I give you all that I have.

In the 15^th chapter of Luke, we encounter the so-called Parable of the Prodigal Son. After the younger son returns and is being celebrated in the house, the father goes out to meet the older son who refuses to enter the party. As an answer to the son’s objections, the father simply replies: “My son, you are always with me. Everything I have is yours.” Here I always imagine the father extending his arms slowly and indicating all of his treasures: the big house, the unending pastures, the numerous livestock… When he finishes this display his disposition is one of open arms to express that even his very heart belongs to his son. There is nothing left that hasn’t been shared. 

“You are always here with me. Everything I have is yours.” These are words that I hold very dear and that contain what I consider to be a promise to those who choose to be poor for love of Him. Taking a vow of poverty is essentially like saying: What is mine is Yours and what is Yours is mine.

A vow of poverty is not a vow of misery. It doesn’t mean that I can never have nice things or that my clothes will always have holes. In fact, it means none of these things. 

A vow of poverty means that I give the Lord all that I have. It means that I no longer call anything just “mine”. It will forever be “ours”. Everything I have is shared with Him and provided by Him. By choosing to be poor I choose to receive. I choose to depend on God for all that is necessary for my livelihood. It means that I allow Him to provide for me.

Now, the way of Divine Providence is creative. He often doesn’t prefer to work alone and collaborates with others through their generosity. For example, there is an open air market near our house in Rome that every Saturday gives us fruits, vegetables, bread, meat, and fish from the various venders. Typically these would be goods that they have a harder time selling, being bruised or in odd quantities. But often they also give us perfectly sellable food. One time, just before my first birthday in Rome the butcher even gave us beef steaks, something I hadn’t seen before or since. I don’t believe in coincidences. That was Jesus giving me a steak dinner for my birthday!

Just like the vow of chastity, the vow of poverty does not enslave me but it sets me free: free to receive. It teaches me to go beyond self-reliance and learn to depend on Another. By recognizing my poverty I am more prone to go to the Lord for everything and collaborate with Him instead of seek (and fail) to provide for myself when I often don’t even know what I most need. 

The vow of Obedience: Lord, I give you all that I will become. 

Now, the world might scoff more impulsively at chastity and poverty but experience tells me that obedience is the real challenge!

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you are trying to chase after something or run away from something but your body is so heavy that you can barely move? (Terrifying right?) Well, that weight is like our attachment to self: attachment to our ideas, our ways of doing things, and even our plans for the future. Obedience (conformity to the will of Another) frees us of that self-attachment and allows us to swiftly run the right path towards the ultimate goal: happiness, a.k.a. holiness. But, as that dream teaches us, it’s not so easy to just “lose” all of that weight.

“Draw me after you! Let us run!” (Songs 1:4).

For me, this verse unlocks an image of the Lord as the One who comes to our rescue when our feet seem glued to the ground. He comes and liberates us from all that chains us down. He comes with a smile and the promise of happiness and goodness. He pleads with us to choose to leave our own ideas and plans to pursue His, knowing that they are what will take us most directly to the fullness of life (see Jn 10:10). At the same time, He leaves us free to choose, never imposing His will over our own. 

Obedience is not so much a response to a command but rather, it is a response to an invitation. It says “My thoughts are not your thoughts neither are My ways your ways” (Is 55:8). And it opens our vision to a much wider perspective than our own. 

But how do we arrive at choosing the will of Another when our instinct is naturally to choose our own? Well, first of all, living obedience is a life long journey. It’s a journey that requires growth in many areas especially those of trust and love. In my experience, obedience is only possible when I trust and love him or her who is asking something of me. Otherwise, it just doesn’t make sense!

If I'm the one deciding, I can always doubt my choices and be tempted to reconsider asking myself "what if?" But if Another asks something of me and I trust Him and know that He loves me and only wants my good, I can be sure in the path He lays before me and take to it without ever looking back. This is the freedom of obedience that takes away the weight of self-reliance and leaves me to run: full speed ahead, barefoot and without fear!

I saw the extent of this connection between obedience and trust inside of me around this time last year. The community had asked me to change schools which was difficult for many reasons. I didn’t want to leave my friends and I didn’t want to start all over at a new place: new paper work to be done, a new building to understand, a new teaching style to adapt to, and a new responsibility as the oldest girl in formation from our community going there. As far as I was concerned, my ideas, ways of doing things, and plans for the future did not include this move. However, from even the very first time that its being mentioned completely took me by surprise, there was in me a spark of trust. I know my sisters well. I know that they don’t make a decision without praying about it, talking it over, and considering its consequences. I also know that they sincerely want the good of the community as well as my personal good. I truly do trust that they wouldn’t ask something of me if they knew it had potential to harm me or my journey. 

But obeying my community isn’t just made possible by trust in my sisters. Rather, it’s most made possible by my trust in God. He was ultimately the One asking me to follow Him to this new place. He was just collaborating again – as He likes to do with Divine Providence – and was mediating obedience to Him through obedience to the community. It was my love and trust for Him – even when I couldn’t understand the reasons behind it all – that allowed me to more peacefully make this change. I know Him to be a Good Father who truly knows and desires what is best for me. And because of this experience of His love I can continue to say “yes” to His various calls in my life. 

Now this doesn’t mean that the move was by any means easy. It took me a good semester to get used to it and even now, after having experienced in so many ways that the move was truly for my own personal good and not just that of the community, I still sometimes miss my old school. But I also think that this is okay and normal. Obedience isn’t less real if we feel like we don’t want to do what’s being asked of us or that we don’t like it. The more important thing is our decision to do it anyway because, again, of the trust and love we have for the One asking. 

This “doing it anyway”, when truly lived out of love and trust, becomes a huge grace that bears much fruit. I see it in my own heart and for this I give thanks to God for the possibility to live obedience in my everyday life. Because, again, as with the other two vows and against what is usually believed, obedience does not enslave me. It frees me from my self-attachment and shows me the right path so that I can run without holding anything back…run freely hand-in-hand with the Lord towards the woman I was made to become!

A Step towards Freedom

As mentioned above (and hopefully witnessed to) the vows of chastity, poverty, and obedience which I will be taking for the first time on December 7 are not forms of enslavement. They do not each bring with them a list of “thou shall not…” but rather a list of “now thou can…” 

The vow of Chastity. Lord, I give you all that I am. Now I am free to love.

The vow of Poverty. Lord, I give you all that I have. Now I am free to receive.

The vow of Obedience. Lord, I give you all that I will become. Now I am free to run.

 

Behind the Liturgy

I believe that there are some experiences in life that grow in their beauty and richness when shared. For this reason, I have decided to post a little series about the Mass of my vows that will occur on Saturday December 7 at 11am. 

This series will include posts that touch on various aspects of the Mass itself or of the preparation for it. Some topics will be formative such as "The Vows" in which I hope to explain in a simple and clear way what they are and what they mean. Other topics will pertain to what you'll read or hear in the Mass like "The Readings" or "The Music". And finally I hope to share other less expected topics that have, however, sparked in me reflections that I judge interesting for sharing like "The Dress". 

Please stay tuned for more frequent posts in the coming months. I hope that these short articles are not only an interesting read but also one that helps better prepare you to more fully participate in the Mass that day having understood at least a little more deeply what will be happening. 

God bless and please keep me and my preparation for vows in your prayers! 

The Vows weekend details:

Friday, Dec 6 8pm: Adoration vigil and small reception

Saturday, Dec 7 11am: Vows Mass and lunch reception 

Location: St. Mary's Catholic Center in College Station, TX

RSVP: www.en.apostlesofil.com/cherises-vows/

Newsletter Update: June 2019

Dear Family and Friends!

Three years ago today I arrived in Rome to start my second year of formation as an Apostle of the Interior Life in the House of Formation here. I can’t believe the time has flown by so fast! On Thursday I finished my first year of Theology (third year studying in Rome) which means that I am more than half way done with my 5 year degree!!

I must be honest in sharing that this year has been one of the most challenging so far. Each step that takes me closer to vows seems to carry with it a decision that touches ever more profoundly the “yes” I have made to the Lord. Naturally, this implies many “no’s”, even to very good things. What keeps me going in the times that it hurts my heart to say that “no” is to remember that my life is more about following than leaving. It’s true that in order to follow, I must leave, but it is also true that when I follow, I am always with Someone and if I’m just leaving, I find instead that I am all alone. 

As normal, I would like to share with you in this newsletter some important events coming up, a short story from this year, a little sharing from the heart, some prayer intentions that I entrust to you, and some memories from this year in the form of pictures! 

Important Events

June 26 – the newest arrival to the House of Formation in Rome: Kate Cropp

June 28-30 – Convocation in Rome with our lay movement’s members from both the USA e Italy

July – month of community life in the mountains

August – month in Texas with family, my nephew!!!, and our house in College Station

October – start of the new school year: 2^nd year of Theology at the Pontifical Salesian University

Oct 21-25 – evangelization mission in a college town near Rome (L’Aquila)

Dec 6 – adoration vigil for my vows (8 pm)

Dec 7 – Holy Mass in which I will take the vows of chastity, poverty, and obedience (11 am)

Dec 8 – Mass of Thanksgiving in my hometown of Hallettsville (time to be determined)

Story Time 

This year I had many new experiences but one of them particularly pushed me to grow and filled me with much joy! For the first time, the community asked me, along with Sr. Clara, to coordinate our young adult retreat. The organization was all totally up to us: the location, the theme, the schedule, the activities…etc… It reminded me a little of when I was Co-director of the Teen ACTS retreat back in my high school days, and I was very thankful for that previous experience.

As preparation, we decided to pray together around an hour a week with the specific intention of the retreat starting months in advance. From our little sharings after these moments of prayer we were slowly able to identify the theme and the style of the retreat that God was suggesting to us.

In the end we lead a retreat for around 30 young people on the theme of Story-Telling, or rather witnessing to others with our own personal experience. In order to do this, we first took our participants on a journey of self-discovery with tools for reading one’s own story. In addition to this we encountered the stories of others: St. Francis (as we were at a Franciscan Sanctuary outside of Rome where St. Francis himself had lived), our community (the Apostles of the Interior Life), and the Prodigal Son (from the Gospel of Luke). To get our story telling skills fine-tuned we played different games and simply encouraged personal sharing at meals and in informal moments. On the last day we had a more formal presentation about sharing our story with tips on how to allow a simple sharing to become evangelization. 

My role in the retreat was much on the part of the organization in the months leading up to it. I was also in contact with the young people who signed up so I had all the names pretty well down even before they arrived. During the weekend I acted as MC, presenting the different moments and giving announcements when necessary. Of course, everything was in Italian so we all had a good laugh every now and then when the nerves got the best of me and my sentences didn’t always make too much sense!

My experience of the retreat was very positive. First of all I was continually touched by the trust that the community was putting in me. I was never left alone in the decisions in as much as Sr. Clara was sharing the leading role with me and the community always offered advice but when we did make a decision, the community was ready to accept it and go with it, supporting us completely. I definitely appreciated more than ever the fact of being a part of a community and being able to entrust a certain task to someone knowing that it would be taken care of. The young people who came were wonderful! Many faces were familiar to us but some were brand new and I was impressed with how easily and naturally they threw themselves into the retreat. For the first time, we tried a new approach and asked the young people to take turns helping with the cooking and the cleaning and they did it with no problem. Actually, many offered to help when it wasn’t even assigned to them to do so. 

At the end of the weekend I was exhausted but so filled with joy. It made me reflect on how the apostolic part of my community (our mission of evangelization and spiritual formation) was not the first thing to attract me. I was much more attracted by the intimacy in prayer, the intellectual formation, and the strong family-like community life. The apostolate (our mission) actually always kind of intimidated me: public speaking, leading prayer, walking one on one with someone in their spiritual journey. But now, even as it remains a challenge in which I must always choose to go outside of myself and my comfort zone, it has become for me a huge source of joy and a place of confirmation of my vocation. It is in these moments, when I am most aware of my inabilities and where I fall short, that God really shines through and I know that it is His Spirit working through me. 

Where is my heart?

As alluded to above, this hasn’t been the easiest year for my heart. I must say, however, that there is something so beautiful in experiencing the totality of a decision so much so that nothing I can do can separate me from it. Every choice, every behavior, each word I speak must be (and naturally is) conformed to my life decision to answer Christ’s call to be His bride. And I am experiencing that more intensely than ever this year. 

A book that has been accompanying me lately in prayer has shared with me much incite on this very topic. It is entitled “With all your heart” and is about the vow of chastity. This is the vow that most of the outside world cringes at but, as this book demonstrates very well, one can only renounce other loves with a greater Love. The fact that I won’t ever get married doesn’t deny me the possibility to satisfy the human (and divine) desire to give myself completely to someone, body and soul. My consecration is exactly that: the offering of my whole self to God. And it is only because I have found a Love to whom I can give myself so entirely too that I am able to renounce the goodness of the love of marriage. 

But the hard part is not so much the belonging to Someone else. It’s the no longer belonging to oneself. In the very first chapter of this book, the author writes about the encounter the person has with the Lord when he or she decides to answer affirmatively to the call to be consecrated. He says that from this moment onward, that person no longer belongs to himself and his heart is no longer his: he is to be forever moved by his desire to give all back to the God who gave him everything that he is and has.  

This year has been for me a constant discovery of the little parts of my heart that still think of themselves as either independent or dependent on someone or something other than God. The Lord, in His infinite mercy, has instead been guiding me, so very gently, to remember that, in reality, all of my heart is His and that I must let go of that which says otherwise. Obviously the examples of this are varied. It could mean recognizing where I need to grow in knowing when to ask for help or it could mean making sure that no one friendship dominates all of my time and attention. It certainly means growing to trust evermore in the God for whom nothing is impossible especially when I find myself in situations that are out of my control. And most importantly, it means a daily renewal of our love, without which nothing in my life would make any sense. 

This year the Lord has kindly been answering my desire to love Him in a completely exclusive way. And so, with ever such tenderness, He has been purifying my heart so that it may be singularly centered on Him. As with any burning flame, the golden tips burn when touched, but the warmth radiated is steady and enduring. Even when certain decisions cost me in the moment, the lasting peace deep within assures me that my “leaving” is really a “following” and that by my side is the true Lover of my soul. 

Prayer Intentions

For the concluding days of our General Assembly that is meeting here in Rome. For an outpouring of the Holy Spirit and the graces needed to follow God’s Will for our community. 

For my family and their intentions and especially for the growth of my little nephew Shepherd: that he may grow to be strong in body and spirit under the loving care of my brother Brandon and his wife Jen. 

For Kate Cropp, a new addition to the House of Formation here in Rome arriving on Wednesday June 26. That she may be filled with peace in these days of leaving (her family, country, language, and the comforts of home) in order to follow the Lord’s call.

For all us girls in the various levels of formation (me, Briana, Catherine, Alexa, Kate, Liz, Sarah) and all the girls discerning a call to join our community. That it may be God’s peace that leads us in each new step.

For my continued preparation for taking my vows this December. That I may be ever more aware of the gift I will be making of myself and of the gift that I will receive that day. 

Pictures

             

Making my dad proud gutting a fish that came from the market!

group photo from our young adult retreat

Briana and I in front of St. Peter's at night

An evening with friends in the park for a free Christian Concert

Easter outing with the House of Formation

Priestly Ordination of Fr. Joel, AVI in Kansas City, KS

An evening outing to the papal gardens outside of Rome

                                                                                               United always in Him who loved us first,

                                                                                                                                                Cherise J

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