Leaving to Follow

A wise nun once told me, "we must leave in order to follow". She said this in the context of grieving the loss of time with her family upon her entrance into the convent. I now find myself in that same position...

More than ever, each moment passed here at home surrounded by the family that has loved and supported me all of my life is treasured and considered so very precious. Wednesday draws ever so near and reality sinks in deeper and deeper.

I know that leaving is temporary and that loving is forever, but the difficulty remains.

Today as I walked my grandma home I had to fight back tears. She accepts my leaving so beautifully and simply - perhaps even better than I do. I tried to "casually" mention that I won't be back until Christmas and after considering it for a second, she just stated: "well, you have to".

I have to. Yes, Grandma, this is true. I am certain that I must go. I know it in my head but mostly in my heart. I've been invited by the Lord. Not forced. As another wise Bride of Christ once told me: Jesus does not impose, He proposes. He extends His hand out towards me and beckons me so gently and lovingly, respecting my right to either choose or reject Him, desiring my freely-willed decision.

And my heart...it longs for Him too. My hand reaches out to meet His and my heart smiles. I rely on His promise: And behold, I am with you always, until the end of the age (Mt. 28:20). For I cannot, perhaps even should not, do this without it. Without Him.

Nothing makes sense outside of the context of Him. In fact, nothing exists outside of Him. We live and move and have our being (Acts 17:28) within the context of God.

And I leave my family, my home, all I've ever known in order to chase after Him who crafted my heart and placed in it a burning desire to know, love, and serve Him - to be with Him.

After all, when all my complication is stripped down to one base desire I've discovered that all I want is to live in the simplicity of being His.

Although none of this makes leaving any less sad or difficult, it does bring peace and confidence.

I know with absolute certainty that Grandma is right. I have to do this. I have to follow the Lord. I have to leave. And I know that Jesus will be with me the whole time because He said so and He is Truth.

So I have the peace and confidence that living my desire to simply be with Jesus will always be the right decision no matter where it leads me.  His hand will always be the one to accept and hold onto. His proposal should always immediately precede my "yes".

You're all I have, You're everything...Here's my heart, Lord.  (David Crowder)

"God expects each creature to serve and love Him according to its nature. The angels must love God angelically, that is, without heart, sentiments, affections – for they have none of those things. But He expects man to love Him humanly, that is, with all his heart, soul, strength and mind, and his neighbor in the same way. We are neither spirits nor ghosts, but human beings, and we cannot go higher than perfect humanity elevated by grace.

Your thoughts about Jesus are too narrow. He isn’t a bit like what you imagine. His Heart is as large as the ocean, a real human heart. He wept real salt tears when Lazarus died. ‘See how He loved him!’ He does not expect you to be a specter or a ghost. No, He wants you to be a thorough woman, wanting love and giving it, and when you leave those you love, He wants you to feel it deeply. Don’t be ever scrutinizing your poor little heart in fear, but look at Him. He possesses for you, His spouse, all that your poverty lacks.”

-Bl. Columba Marmion 

I give God thanks for the family that He's given me. A family that loves me with a Christ-like, sacrificial, unconditional love...so sacrificial and unconditional that they not only let me go but urge me onward. Although imperfect, their human love reflects His perfect divine love. I trust in His promise because He sent me my family as messengers that one can always trust Love.

As graduation approaches...

With the date of my graduation (aka date of the beginning of great change and a new transition) looming over me, I would like to share some thoughts.

There's a lot of emotion involved in leaving a place or state in life. And I've been experiencing that as my time in college here at A&M comes to an end.

As I come upon these final days I catch myself in moments of remembrance of what it was like to be a Freshman - or even a Junior - with the knowledge that there was much time ahead of me at this university. I remember also actually feeling like it was a lot. And although this brings a wave of nostalgia and even sadness at the fact that this "a lot" has been replaced with a very small "little", I am not dissatisfied with where I am at.

In fact, I wouldn't trade the person I am - the person I've become -, the position that I'm in, or the future that I have ahead of me for anything. I wouldn't go back to those days of having much time ahead of me in college.

Would I do it all over again? Yes...to the extent that I would do again what got me to the place that I am now - to the person that I am now. I would do again what allowed me to see how the Lord wanted to and did work through those events.

But I have to also answer "no". I would not do it all over again because I am happy where I'm at and I'm ready to be here, to move on, to begin the new adventures the Lord has in store for my life - to start this journey with Him.

These last four years have shaped me, formed me, and made me into the person I am today, the person who's ready - ready to follow the Lord, ready to be surprise by Him continually in this journey we call life. Yes it's difficult and no it's not necessarily always fun but I am ready. It's hard to leave the relationships that I've established and the places that I've learned to call home. But if it wasn't difficult than what was it for? I'm learning as I experience leaving more and more in my life that the difficulty of leaving comes from the existence of love in what I have to leave. And in a weird roundabout way the fact that this time of my life is difficult is actually affirmation that the time that passed immediately before this was beautiful and loving and life-giving. I wouldn't trade that for anything! In fact, I welcome this feeling of difficulty knowing what it signifies.

So for all of you about to graduate (from anything), change jobs, move cities, or enter into any type of transition period that requires a certain amount of "leaving", embrace this time of difficulty and challenge. Take it as a chance not only to solidify those relationships that will from now on be strained by physical distance but to strengthen also the relationship that is forever present to us - the relationship with our Lord. He is the one constant we have in this life and the next. Drawing close to Him during this time brings comfort, courage, and deeper understanding that we cannot achieve on our own. And through Him, we can recognize the years leading up to this point as a great gift and blessing so filled with love that it hurts to leave it behind.

Lord, I thank you for the difficulty of "leaving".