Alone With

                Impending, haunting, hovering, daunting… What’s the right word to describe it? No bags are yet packed and no external signs of departure can be found, but internal signs…those are rampant.

                Back and forth my heart goes, surfing sometimes on waves of excitement but mostly drowning in the white foam of nostalgia. Caught up in the grief of yet another “goodbye” my tears only increase the struggle to come up for air. How can this be endured…this death to so much good, love, and joy? To a place of such strife, growth, and comfort? What could possibly propel me forward into the darkness of the unknown?

                I feel alone. Alone and yet surrounded. Surrounded by thoughts, plans, practicalities, emotions. I’m consumed and overwhelmed by “should be’s” and “could’ve been’s”. Confusion abounds as my rational mind battles my sensitive heart. What’s going on? Even breathing seems a struggle. I am lost. I am alone.

                A hand – Yours – stretches out toward me. Well-defined is the wound in its core. I stare but this is not a time of waiting, of analyzing. Your patience, though gentle, demands a response. I reach for the hand and, in this action, notice the rest of You. Not one but two wounded hands opened wide before me. An embrace offered. An invitation extended. Come to Me you who are heavy burdened. Let Me give you rest.

                I hesitate. Why do I hesitate? This inaction plagues me. My mind tries to move my heart by principles and concepts formation has given me, but as it often does in prayer, analysis only evokes paralysis. Complication looms. I seek Your face…Your eyes. Come My child. Let Me…

                My hands in Yours, I find myself caressing Your wounds with my thumbs. A real love. A faithful love. A love to be trusted. A love forever at full capacity and yet forever giving more, embracing more, consuming more. There is no greater love.

                Your eyes. So tender and piercing. So pure and simple. Eyes fixed on mine with no intention of shifting their gaze. Not even a blink to separate us. Come closer…

I take a step.

A hint of a smile curls upon your lips. Welcoming. Warm. Eager, yet patient.

What’s holding me back? Thoughts. So many thoughts. Distractions too numerous to be connected. Analysis, complication, confusion, self-criticism…discouragement. I am discouraged. I am lost. I am alone.

But You’re here. You are before me. You’re holding my hands, gazing into my roaming eyes savoring the occasional brief moments in which mine actually meet yours. Patient, gentle, tender, constant, loving…peace.

I want peace. My peace I give to you…Touch me and see…

I’m in Your arms, and You encircle me with warmth and security. I am Yours and You are mine. Only the simplest of truths exists in this moment: You are and I am.

But the struggle continues between my mind and my heart, never quick to collaborate. I strain myself to focus, to imagine You more clearly, to hold onto the tenderness of Your touch, to be simple, to remain.

I love you…Lord, You know everything. You know that I love You too. Follow Me…

Leaving continues to draw nearer. Externally nothing has changed, but internally…these changes are rampant. My heart still soars to high peaks and dips low to deep valleys depending on the day or even the hour. Complication by analysis is forever only one thought away. But this suffering, no matter how small or how human, is a point of encounter, an opportunity to go deeper. It helps me to see how alone I really am. For I am alone, it is true, but I am not lost. I am alone “with” You. This death to self, experienced through leaving people of precious worth and a place of love, joy, and growth, pushes me to a point of finally being alone enough to be ever more “with” You. Yes, this is a small offering, one of little worth in the eyes of the world that pales in comparison to the big picture, but this offering unites me more closely with You, and thus, for my heart, it is an offering of the utmost value, unmatched, priceless.

I am alone, it is true, but I am not lost. I am alone with You, and in this stillness – this silence – that maybe lasts one fleeting moment, I know there’s no place I’d rather be.

"Jesus, teach me to come to You poor."

But early in the morning he arrived again in the temple area, and all the people started coming to him, and he sat down and taught them. Then the scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery and made her stand in the middle. They said to him, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the very act of committing adultery. Now in the law, Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?” They said this to test him, so that they could have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and began to write on the ground with his finger. But when they continued asking him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let the one among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he bent down and wrote on the ground. And in response, they went away one by one, beginning with the elders. So he was left alone with the woman before him. Then Jesus straightened up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She replied, “No one, sir.” Then Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you. Go, [and] from now on do not sin anymore.”

(John 8: 2-11)

When he looked up he saw some wealthy people putting their offerings into the treasury and he noticed a poor widow putting in two small coins. He said, “I tell you truly, this poor widow put in more than all the rest; for those others have all made offerings from their surplus wealth, but she, from her poverty, has offered her whole livelihood.”

(Lk. 21: 1-4)

What could these two passages possibly have in common? What could be similar between a devout widow giving her last coins and a woman caught in the very act of adultery?

I suggest that both women – in very different contexts – capture the heart of Jesus by their absolute poverty.

We can look at Luke’s passage for the purpose in coming to Jesus poor. In just four short verses, Luke reveals a critical understanding of what is attractive to Jesus’s heart. In fact, we may ask ourselves, why does Jesus notice and applaud this woman who clearly gave much less than those who were wealthy? Or, what was so bad about the rich keeping some for themselves to live off of? Is that not just prudent decision-making?

I don’t think Jesus is asking us to make any decisions that would put us in unnecessary financial peril. But I do think he is asking us to look at the poor widow and the way in which she gives everything she has.

In Lk 21:4, Jesus condemns the others who have all made offerings from their surplus wealth and praises the woman who, from her poverty, has offered her whole livelihood. Here, He is no longer speaking simply of monetary contributions. No, Jesus goes much farther than worldly riches. Notice the degree to which each character lives their life. According to Jesus’s words, those who are wealthy live their life from their surplus. What is a surplus? In one word, it is “excess”. Thus, the wealthy in this passage are living their life only from their excess; only from that which they have chosen to share with others; the externals; the qualities that they deem desirable by society, hiding their character flaws and working to put forth an image of themselves that is no less than perfect. In sum, what they give is only parts of themselves and never the whole. The poor widow on the other hand, lives from her poverty and in turn offers her whole livelihood. She does not “short-change” God or those around her by holding anything back. Rather, she accepts who she is, unafraid of sitting in her poverty, of being empty. Without rejecting her riches, whatever they may be, she merely accepts her poverty along with them and thus remains whole and capable of offering everything, her whole livelihood – of living to the full. 

Now, the poverty of the “poor widow”, as she is called, may be a little more obvious, but what about the woman in John’s passage? Let us look at the ways in which she comes poor before Jesus.

First, we see that she is exposed in her sin – a sin that is punishable by stoning according to the law of the well-known and revered Moses. Because of this she is in perhaps the most vulnerable moment of her life with no control over its outcome, powerless and reduced to silence. Without hope, she is regarded as if to have no dignity, as if to not even be a human person. Shamed publicly, she is at the hands of her accusers and completely dependent on Jesus’s decision. After being physically forced where to go and how long to stand there and given no opportunity to defend or speak for herself, she is used as merely a pawn – as bait – to try to catch Jesus between a rock and a hard place. Not only is she “nobody”, she is “nothing”, and she knows it.

With everything that she has, with all that she has done, and with all that she is, the woman stands before Jesus totally revealed, her life literally in His hands. She may not have chosen to, but she has arrived before the Lord in utter poverty. What happens next leaves everyone but Jesus astonished, and as her accusers all drift away one by one beginning with the elders, she is left alone with Jesus – in the privileged encounter of His mercy. Broken, yet her whole self, she experiences forgiveness, acceptance…love. Although it was not her original intention, this day she has come to the feet of Jesus just as she is. And it is only here that she will find her true identity as the beloved daughter of God and discover a love that spans the stretch of time and beyond giving her the grace and courage to go and sin no more.

The experiences of these two women cause me to look at my own life. In what ways do I choose to only give from my wealth? How hard do I work to put forth an image of myself that is always agreeable to others and accepted as “the best”? How often do I find myself exhausted from trying be perfect for everyone? These could be signs that I’m only living from my surplus.

On the contrary, in what ways do I live from my poverty? In how many instances do I allow myself to be vulnerable by sharing fears, difficulties, faults, and weaknesses? Do I accept that this brokenness is a part of who I am or do I do my best to deny it? Do I allow myself to admit that I am wrong or do not know the answer to a question or dilemma put before me? But most importantly, do I come before Jesus in prayer as I am? Or, do I insist upon being “perfect” even there in the intimacy of communion with my Creator who knows my every thought before I do (Ps 139)? Am I building a wall between us by carefully placing many offerings of the “parts of myself” before Him rather than entering into a full embrace by throwing my whole self in His welcoming arms?

We must come to Him poor! For, it is in our poverty that we come to depend on Him completely, for everything, not on ourselves. It is in coming to Him with empty hands that He can fill them and we can truly be satisfied. It is only in our poverty, in offering our whole livelihood, that we will discover the riches of being His beloved children.

Let us pray: “Jesus, teach me to come to You poor.”

Ash Wednesday: A day to celebrate?

Wearing these ashes proud!

I honestly had no expectations when I woke up this morning. Yes, like the years that came before it I had my moment of looking at the clock at some early hour in the morning (3-something today) and thinking first, “yes, I still have a few hours” and then, smiling, “it’s my birthday!”, but still, it’s Ash Wednesday and it had already been determined that we would celebrate later. But even though I had postponed the celebration, I truly felt that God celebrated me all day today!

First, I woke to a “joke-of-a-good” breakfast that I didn’t have to prepare so woohoo! (See picture for more details…yes that is a piece of bread NOT a jelly filled donut as I initially thought/hoped). This would be but the first reminder of the wonderful sisters the Lord has given me to live with. Ones who truly love me enough to both annually write me heartfelt birthday letters and daily help me grow in virtue (not always – or ever – easy).

Next, after a peaceful time of prayer, I proceeded to go about my normal Wednesday routine determined to live my Ash Wednesday well. This meant doing one of my least favorite activities: cleaning. But I did it all with a smile on my face and a tune on my lips and boy did it feel good to return to a clean house this afternoon!

After phone conversations reminded me once more how loved I am and how thankful I should be for the technology that enables communication and sends priest’s blessings through radio waves, I hurriedly walked to campus on this beautiful 70 degree “winter” day. Oh Jesus how did you know I didn’t like the cold? Oh, because you made me that way. That’s right! Thanks!

Participating in Mass at Rudder Theater on campus was really something beautiful. Having gone to concerts and theater events there, it was really special seeing it used as the platform for the greatest act (of love) ever performed. Hundreds of students and faculty were gathered there to be reminded that we are sinners and in need of a Savior…a Savior who has come and continues to come to us in the Eucharist every single day!! So powerful!

One of the best things about today however were all of the conversations that the Lord organized for me. This includes the quick hellos or hugs shared with dear friends I don’t always see in passing as well as unexpected deep conversations about prayer and God’s will. He just knows me so well!

As per usual, I had my bible study this evening with (I might be biased) but the best small group of girls ever! I really always look so forward to this hour of my week and was so delighted to spend part of my birthday with them breaking open the Word and sharing the movements it provokes in our hearts.

Later, upon returning home, I excitedly remembered the promise made to me to watch a movie I’ve been bugging the sisters about since Facebook showed me the trailer. Full of Grace is a movie that I truly can call “my kind of movie.” It may seem slow to some as it is without a lot of action but, as one of our sisters put it, it is more of a meditation. And meditate with it I did. In fact, if given the chance, I could pause it after many of the dialogues and find myself lost in the beauty of the words. Besides the fact that you should all go get and watch it write now, the one thing I’d like to share with you is Mary’s final message: remember every day the first time He looked upon you (how it felt, what it was like, how it happened, Him) and you will glorify the Lord with your life. What a simple yet beautiful message about the power of the gaze of Christ. Oh and there was so much more! But I will leave that to your own unpacking!

Finally, like always, we ended the day just as it began: in the chapel with Jesus. Today’s Night Prayer, for me, was followed by a moment of great gratitude for all I’ve been given and all that is yet to come. I recognized more deeply my desire for intimacy with the One who gave me life and calls me to give Him my life more and more each day. Jesus, open my heart so that it may increasingly receive Your love and thus better share it with the world.

Me: "Wow look at these pretty roses!"

Sr. Tatum: "It's because of your birthday!"

#spoiledbytheKing

Some Simple and Beautiful News

As the title of this blog alludes to, I have some simple and beautiful news to share with you all, and I do so with great delight and a full heart!

Last November 30, I mailed off a letter to my superior, Sr. Susan. This letter contained both my simple and honest experience in the community so far as well as my desire to continue the journey to become an Apostle of the Interior Life, thus formally asking to be transferred to Rome to begin Philosophy classes at the Pontifical University of St. John Lateran next Fall.

On January 1, Sr. Susan hand delivered her response which I read with great joy and peace. Before opening the letter, I must admit that I basically knew of its contents. I had no details but through interaction with the community and confirmation in prayer, I had no doubt that I would be moving to Rome. It was more of the exact timing that I was unsure about.

According to the letter, I will be shipping off to Rome "after June 21". In fact, just the other day, I bought a ONE-WAY ticket to Rome for June 23! Isn't that something?! A one-way ticket to the Eternal City! My wildest dreams could never have prepared me for this reality!

In the meantime I will finish the semester here in College Station continuing the rhythm of life I described in my Christmas newsletter with an added emphasis on legal documents in order to secure my student visa and other necessities for living as a foreigner in a country across the ocean.

In the immediate time leading up to my departure, I will be at home in Hallettsville spending a good 3 weeks with my family who have graciously accepted and encouraged me in this adventure that the Lord continues to invite me on. They are very strong both humanly and spiritually and the love shared between us has only increased, but I know that this is difficult for them, as it is for me. Separation is never easy especially when the distance cuts out spontaneous visits and the time difference eliminates the ease of communication. Please, in a special way, keep them in your prayers seeing as they too are living in a time of transition and preparation.

As I share this news with friends and family I keep encountering variations of the same response: "Wow! That's exciting!" And, you know, it very well is 'exciting' but even more than that, it is 'normal'. It's my life. It's not only what I have been walking towards now for even longer than my official time living with the community but it is at the core of the desire I am recognizing in my heart more and more to be united to our Lord in the way that only a consecrated person can.

Saying all of this, I continue to be grateful for the journey that is entailed in preparing oneself for such a gift of self to the Lord. It is not something to be taken lightly nor nonchalantly. So, rather than impatiently "enduring" these years leading up to the possibility of taking vows, I eagerly embrace them as a blessing that allows me to better know God and thus better know myself. It is in this time that I am truly discovering who I am and who He has created me to be. My desire is simple. I just want to be His. 

I ask for your continued prayers as I enter into this time of transition and preparation for the next phase of discernment. But in a deeper way, I ask for prayers that my heart be increasingly opened to the new ways in which the Lord desires to love in and through me.

Thank you for your constant support. I truly do believe that the daily grace that I receive to continue my walk toward the Lord comes in large part through your prayers.

God bless you all,

Cherise :) 

The Sisters I will miss so much next year!!

The hope of being loved forever

2But early in the morning he arrived again in the temple area, and all the people started coming to him, and he sat down and taught them. 3Then the scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery and made her stand in the middle. 4They said to him, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the very act of committing adultery. 5Now in the law, Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?” 6They said this to test him, so that they could have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and began to write on the ground with his finger. 7 But when they continued asking him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let the one among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8Again he bent down and wrote on the ground. 9And in response, they went away one by one, beginning with the elders. So he was left alone with the woman before him. 10Then Jesus straightened up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” 11She replied, “No one, sir.” Then Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you. Go, [and] from now on do not sin anymore.” (John 8: 2-11)

What was the experience of this woman who found herself torn from the lustful embrace of one man, faced with a horrid and shameful death, and immersed in the loving gaze of another man in what could have been a mere matter of minutes?

This is my question at the beginning of the year Pope Francis has declared the Jubilee Year of Mercy.

And the following is my meditation on it thus far…

Pushed before Him she couldn’t bear to lift her gaze. After being dragged across the town for all to see her in her disheveled clothing and hear the jeers and accusations of the town’s religious leaders, her first instinct was to cover her face and wish truth upon the words: “if I can’t see them, they can’t see me.”

What were they saying? “Stone her.” Stone me? Well, that is the just punishment for my sin. I know the law. Fear began to take over. Shaking, she listened as the conversation preceded…one-sided. Why isn’t He responding? What is he doing? With a burst of curiosity, she peered between her fingers at the man she was brought before. Why is He writing? Taken aback at the calm with which He operated she couldn’t help but see the matter as pressing. They want to stone me. Can’t you just answer them and get this over with?

He stood up and she returned to the meager refuge her veil could give, not wanting to meet His eyes. Here it is. The time has come. “…the one without sin cast the first stone…” Bracing herself for the first blow she tensed up. Please…someone… Hearing the first stone drop and thinking it to be a missed throw she let out a soft whimper. …anyone…please… And the rest followed. One by one. Did they all miss? What’s happening?

This time she removed a whole hand. He’s writing again. Peering shyly over her shoulder she saw retreating feet and a pile of unused stones. Where are they going? Is it over? “…He was left alone with the woman before Him (8:9)”. Overtaken by emotion, the silence she had been struggling to keep finally broke and messy sobs came forth from her. Dropping both hands and allowing her veil to fall she looked to the only Man left before her as He looked up and met her gaze. Who are You? Mesmerized by His gaze she couldn’t turn away no matter how much she wanted to. He was looking at her, not her body, not her utility…her person. Here was a Man not ashamed to be seen with her. Not ashamed to stand up for her. But even more than that. He wanted to be in her presence. He wanted to save her. Where were all the others? Those who came to and left her in secrecy? Those who found her to be “pleasing” and “to their tastes”? Where were they now? Those who never actually looked her in the eye, and if they did, what was in their eyes if not hunger, darkness, greed… But in this Man’s gaze…there is only gentle tenderness. These eyes are clear and knowing. You know me, don’t You? You know everything. And yet, You did this. You saved me and then stayed…without asking any favors. Why? Who are You?

Rising up He kept her gaze, never once straying His eyes. Standing in the middle of a dusty road half dressed, hair disheveled, tear-stained face the woman never felt more beautiful. Growing within her was a sensation for which she no longer had words to name. “Neither do I condemn you…” Could this be it? Is this what it feels like? For the first time in her life, since the innocence of her childhood, she was filled with hope: the hope of being loved forever…just as she is.

Writing this meditation I have to ask myself: Do I believe in God’s mercy? Do I believe that God loves me now as I am? When I come before Him to receive His love, do I do so drenched in the filth of my brokenness and sin or do I try to clean myself up before? And if I try to clean myself up, is it because I doubt His power or His love? And why?

These are the questions at the forefront of my mind at the start of this Jubilee Year. And my prayer is for the grace to truly encounter the Lord’s mercy and be transformed by the truth of His love that says to my heart: Come as you are.

“Mercy is a bridge between God and man that opens one’s heart to the hope of being loved forever despite one’s sinfulness.” – Pope Francis’s Bull for the Jubilee Year of Mercy

Love Simplifies

“Simon, son of John, do you love me?” –John 21:17

Over the past months, the Lord has been patiently leading me by the hand, giving me a gentle tug when my feet halt, extending out His other arm when I stumble, and more than anything, waiting in the times when my hand lets go of His.

It would be silly to lead with “it all began when…” since it is imperative to recognize that He’s been leading me by the hand all along. However, this phase of the journey distinguished itself on Holy Saturday of this year (2015). Meditating on the first thoughts that morning of two of Jesus’ closest followers, I found myself astonished by the stark contrast between Mary and Peter. In my prayer, Mary woke up within the city walls with a tear stained face but overwhelming peace and hope in her heart. Moreover, there was a joy and trust in the expectation of what was to come. Her suffering would not be in vain. Rather, it would become redemptive, united with that of her Son. Peter, on the other hand, hardly slept at all. Wide-eyed and trembling, he had gone as far as his feet could take him. Running through the night looking for any place to hide. Anguish filled his entire being. “What just happened? They say He’s dead. But…how can this be?” Without prompting it, His mind flashed through the miracles, the manifestations of His divinity, the Transfiguration. “He said He was the Son of God. I said He was the Son of God. But…how could this happen to the Son of God?” Even fresher on his mind was the last gaze he exchanged with his Master and Friend. “If He is who He said He is – who I said He is –, then I betrayed the Son of God…three times.”

What is the difference between these two? One has lost all hope, blinded by the events of the world. The other has maintained her hope by focusing on Christ. One turns in on himself for understanding and comfort. The other turns to her Lord in prayer. And the irony of it all? He who left: doubts; she who stayed, standing, looking at Christ: believes. Mary gave everything in staying while Peter held everything back in fleeing.

What was the Lord speaking to me through this imaginative prayer?

Don’t turn away in fear from the cross. Stay. Remain in My love. If we keep eye-contact, you can walk on water. Your faith will not be taken from you. Your hope will not subside if you stay with Me, watching and praying. It is in the moment that you turn from Me, inevitably to the world, that doubts creep in and your mind gets clouded and complicated. Look at Me. I am simplicity. Learn from Me. Give all of yourself and you will rise. But to rise, you first have to die…to journey through the cross. So at the first sign of difficulty, pain, suffering don’t turn away. I can’t heal or soothe what’s not broken. Face the cross; bear it so I can carry it with you. Let Me be your Way, your Truth, and your Life. Let Me draw you to Myself. Let Me consume you in My love. Let Me be yours so that you can be Mine. (journal entry April 4)

Let Me be yours so that you can be Mine. These words have followed me so closely since that first prayer. Both as a joy and a mystery. How can You be mine Lord? How can I ever make that claim over You? (journal entry April 7). But oh how I want to…

Over the months Jesus has unpacked this mystery for me. His word truly is alive as it continues to draw me in deeper beyond what appears to be its greatest depths. Throughout the summer His invitation was clear and consistent: Choose Me. (journal entry July 3)

“For whoever would save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” (Mt16:25)

Oh how often I seek to save my life. With my gaze fixed on myself, I spend my days dodging humiliation and tiptoe-ing around opportunities to serve. Dying to self has no attraction for me. But His voice does and His voice calls: Look at Me. Choose Me.

In the more recent months I have found myself in a greater struggle between my strong desire for simplicity and my unfortunate tendency toward complication. I can be rather mental and analytical which can be a strength, but when focused on oneself becomes merely an engine of exhaustion and discouragement. My own voice – a whisper compared to that of God – and my feeble attempts at controlling my spiritual life left me with the sensation of staring at the previous months of simplicity, stillness, and intimacy with the Lord through an impenetrable glass wall.

“I miss You Jesus. Externally so many things have been going on but interiorly? I just want to be with You. Why has that become so difficult? I feel like there’s a lot of stuff inside, cramped and crowded creating tension and distraction. There’s a lot of mental activity also. But prayer isn’t just mental. It’s an act of the heart and the will as well. Find me in this mess Lord and free me with Your love, peace, hope, joy. Give me a greater trust in You.” (journal entry Oct 11)

It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when I finally allowed the Lord to break through the barrier I had become for myself. I can say however as has been my experience, the moments of greatest recognition of God’s Voice always immediately follow an act of complete abandonment of myself to Him. I only truly tune into the Voice of the Good Shepherd when I see myself for what I am: a helpless and broken, undeservedly and incredibly beloved, little sheep. When I surrender to my need for the Lord, I hear His Voice in a way that is so certain that even later moments of desolation can’t convince me otherwise.

This particular day was difficult as I came face to face with the brokenness that is most currently manifesting itself in my life. Having turned my gaze in on myself, the levies I’d constructed to hide from it in my attempts to control and fix it were buckling under its surging waves. Alone in my room, I received an invitation to go to the Lord. There in the chapel I broke down before Him and gave Him what He wanted: me in the helpless mess that I am. And you know what? He spoke directly to my fear. His voice was clear and cut through all loneliness and discouragement. “How could I give you up?” (Hos 11:8) The next day all I longed for in prayer was to be with Him who couldn’t give me up. Still finding difficulty in the silence, I sat amidst peace and comfort that I hadn’t known in longer than I realized (journal entry Oct 14).

This led me to return to perhaps my favorite passage in scripture: John 21. Recalling to mind Peter and his mental and emotional state after the passion, death, and resurrection of his Lord, I entered into another imaginative prayer. “Cherise, do you love Me?” He asks for the third time. “Lord, You know everything. You know that I love You.” “Follow Me.”

“I’m discouraged by my brokenness and all You ask is: ‘Cherise do you love Me?’

All that is required is love of You…then I can follow You with trust, remaining in You, bearing fruit, being Your disciple and thus glorifying the Father.” (journal entry Oct 25)

Like to Peter, the Lord asks me to let go. To not try to control or cover up, much less fix my brokenness. That is His to deal with. My task is simple. I must love Him. I must fix my gaze on His face and remain in His love.

“Your love of Me makes you beautiful.” (journal entry Nov 3)

“Let Me tell you of your beauty.” (journal entry Nov 8)

My meditation today sent me on a journey into the past. A journey of gratitude and amazement. I was searching for Him but in the wrong context. I couldn’t reach Him so I started to move, but the motion only distanced me further. He doesn’t ask for my doing. He asks for my being. This whole time the Lord has been calling me into His stillness. “Do what a lover does” He beckons. “Sit and stay awhile. Remain in Me” (Jn 15:4).

The path of perfection is love. Love simplifies and brings unity. (Meditation by Fr. Steve Beseau)

“Love Me as a response to My loving you.”  (journal entry Nov 9)

“If my primary identity is that I am loved, and doing comes from being, than my primary mission is to respond to that love...That which is deepest in my being is the simplest thing because it is what I was created for – to love You. I am fulfilled only when I’m loving You with everything that I have, am, and will be.” (also Nov 9)

All that is required of me is love because after love everything else follows.

Jesus’s answer to my prayer for simplicity: “Love Me.”

“Love simplifies. Love is simple. I am Love.” (journal entry Nov 9)

Who Are You?

               With the sound of my phone’s alarm my day begins at an hour that always seems to be too soon. Many mornings my first thought is “not enough” in reference to my time in bed but I get up nonetheless…usually before the sun. Breakfast has to happen right away in order to respect my first appointment. The appointment that requires this particular morning routine. These days Dad still leaves before me and Mom gets the most time at home out of the three of us. This doesn’t stop her from waking first and making sure our mornings go smoothly.

With a quick hug and a kiss I am out the door and navigating to my car sometimes with the light of my phone. I intentionally avoid the grass even if it makes my trip a little longer. It’s one thing to start the day off on the wrong foot. It’s another to start it off on two wet ones.

The drive into town is longer than normal because I don’t like to feel rushed and I need to keep my eye out for any critters – big and small alike – that might try to beat me across the road. If the weather is nice, the windows are down and my nose is filled with the fresh scent of the countryside not yet awakened to the roar of manmade machines but alive with the sound of its natural inhabitants.

Arriving as only the 10^th or so car in the parking lot, I hurriedly make my way inside recognizing that my calm pace has put me right on time for my appointment. I suppose I’m prepared as I’ll ever be. Taking my usual seat I notice the sensation of home and familiarity warming my heart. I take a glance around at the 20ish people joining me, all seated in their regular spots as well.

We begin in unison and proceed to participate in our every morning ritual. Each has his or her own variations but the objective remains the same. By now, some of us could do this in our sleep it has become so habitual. In fact, some days I find myself unwillingly trying to as my eyes can’t seem to stay open and my head can’t seem to hold itself up.

Why do I keep coming? Why do I set my alarm an hour earlier than I did last year just to fit this appointment in before school each morning? I ask myself these questions out of curiosity more than with the intention to stop. Any doubt I have about coming always goes away when I enter the room.

Who are you? What do you want with me? I look up at the climax of our time there and find myself caught in the gaze of my reason for coming. This is the one I’m fascinated by. The one that attracts me here every consecutive morning. But I know nothing about you. We only see each other here. Why do I feel as if you know me better than I know me? That my time here with you is just the beginning? That in reality, you are with me always? Who are you? This is the haunting question that draws me back morning after morning. This is the person that calls me out of bed more gently and convincingly than my phone’s alarm.

“Go in peace,” he says. We’re dismissed. I leave immediately and return to my normal day’s routine. Some days it is harder to leave almost as if you’re asking me to stay. Many times on those days I leave just the same, but not without the lingering thought of you. You who slowly begin to follow me and find me throughout my day. And I will let you do it. I’ll let you infiltrate my life until that question, burning in my soul, is answered. Who are You?

My experience as a senior in high school who had received the tremendous grace of desiring to attend daily mass each morning before classes. It took me a long time to truly encounter this Person who was continually attracting me to Himself through the gift of His Body and Blood. And when I did begin a personal relationship with Him through a slowly growing prayer life outside of the mass, my encounter with Him in the mass only became more beautiful. Thank you Jesus for having the patience and love to call me to You day after day filling my small, stoney heart with the amount of Your love that You know I am able to receive now, so that in time, my heart will grow greater in its capacity to receive You and turn into a natural heart bursting from the insides with love like Yours. Thank you for the gift of the Holy Mass.