General Life Update...What's been going on?!

I realize that I haven't been keeping y'all simply up to date on the happenings of this semester so I thought that I'd take the time to touch on some of those things.

AACAQ

Ask a Catholic a Question (AACAQ) is a St. Mary's student-led outreach group that evangelizes on campus. It existed my freshman and sophomore year when I first participated in it but had since lapsed into a deep slumber. However, this year, thanks to the effort of a couple of dedicated students and the campus minister that harbored the original ideas for this organization, it has resurrected and made its presence known once again. The group consists of 12 members (appropriate no?) this semester with the idea of growth in the future.
Practically speaking, we go out on campus in no less than two wearing shirts that say "I am Catholic. Ask me why." in hopes of spreading the truth of Jesus Christ and His Church. This can manifest itself in several different ways depending on the Spirit's desire any particular day. We may be approached by someone or we may approach them.
Honestly, it can be difficult for me to approach someone to talk about God and the faith. I am sort of embarrassed and silly admitting this especially since I feel called to join a religious community whose charism is precisely evangelization and spiritual formation. However, it is a fact of my nature which is introverted at its most base form. Does this mean that I am unable to fulfil the mission of AACAQ or the Apostles? No. I can do anything with the help of God's grace. Does this mean that I will have to die to self and put myself out there in ways that for me may feel uncomfortable or awkward at first. You betcha!
An important aspect of evangelization is the personal encounter with Christ. The more that I encounter Christ in my own personal prayer, the more I grow in my desire to help others to know Him the way I know Him. And the more that I surrender to the Spirit when I am speaking His Name, the less nervous or fearful I am that I will say something wrong or not know an answer. These things will most certainly occur because I am human but the more open I am to the Holy Spirit, the more often that I will recognize Him speaking through even my broken humanity.
Chris, my evangelization partner, and I have similar hesitancies about approaching students on campus but have also both reaped the benefits of dying to self and courageously doing it anyways. Last Monday (during our hour commitment 12-1pm) we did just this in Academic Plaza to two different groups. Both times we ended up having beautiful conversations and sharing an aspect of the Catholic faith that was misunderstood or unknown by the other (i.e. Mary as an intercessor and confession).
Each Monday I nervously put on my "provocative" tshirt and am struck by a moment of dread at the thought of that fast approaching hour. And then I go to prayer (my start to each day) and I am blown away by the love of a God Incarnate who was not ashamed in all His divinity to take on the lowly flesh of my broken humanity and die upon a cross to save me from my sin so that He can spend eternity with me. I encounter a Person who is the only Source of the indescribable and unmatchable underlying peace and joy in my heart - the joy and peace of knowing that I am loved and that my life is in the capable Hands of the King of the Universe and my Good Shepherd. The nerves don't all run away at that moment but the conviction that God wants to use me as an instrument in spreading the Good News that this is true for each and every individual takes hold of my heart and the Lord's rod and staff give me courage.
We are all called to evangelize regardless of where we are or what our shirts say. Let us pray for the grace to do so in whatever way God is calling us to in our lives at this moment.

Jesus Is Lord

This lent, St. Mary's offered a parish wide program called Jesus Is Lord. Originally created by St. William's parish in Round Rock, this program seeks to bring its participants back to the foundation of Jesus as Lord of their lives. It is built on the premise that any and all theological knowledge or biblical analysis that we have means nothing if Jesus is not the Lord of our lives. Those things are there to build up and increase our relationship with Him who sits on the throne of our hearts.
During Jesus is Lord, the 600+ participants (both students and permanent parishioners) journeyed through several specific topics: God is Love, Human Sin, Jesus our Savior, Repentance, Discipleship. Each night consisted of 2 short talks by 2 campus ministers and 1 witness talk by a student or permanent parishioner. Then the group broke into 83 small groups to further discuss and share. I enjoyed the privilege of leading one of these small groups and growing with these 8 individuals throughout lent.
There was one talk that struck me (and many others) and will always be that which I remember the most from Jesus is Lord. It was given by Fr. David our pastor on the topic of Human Sin. He spoke about the cost of Jesus's sacrifice on the cross imploring us to see the crucifix for what it is when we enter a Catholic Church and behold it. He had us consider the great sin needed to accumulate such a debt and the great love required for an innocent, Divine Being to take on humanity just to pay it. At a certain point, he turned to face the crucifix and beginning to speak, his voice nearly faltered as he was moved to tears in contemplating this mystery of our great sinfulness and God's greater love.

"When we come into the presence of the crucifix, it should knock the wind out of us. It should leave us speechless. The fact that it doesn't is both a challenge and hope." - Fr. David Konderla

Evening of Lights

Another moving event that occurred during the Octave of Easter (the first week of Easter) was the Evening of Lights. This was an event brought in by the FOCUS missionaries and put on by 2 Dominican Priests and 2 Sisters of Life sisters. The evening consisted of a special blessing and Eucharistic adoration and was held (drum roll please....) on campus! Isn't that awesome?! Just imagine this: in the all faith's chapel (where there is no tabernacle) on a Thursday evening a line a students - amidst a larger group kneeling, standing, or sitting - wait to receive a blessing with St. Joseph oil (from Canada) for personal healing and healing among their family before proceeding over to the other priest holding the Blessed Sacrament in the monstrance and giving personal benedictions (blessings with/by the Blessed Sacrament Himself). This went on for over 3 hours without pause. For those who already received their blessing or had not yet entered the line, there was beautiful praise and worship music as well as opportunity for intercessory prayer with the 2 Sisters of Life sisters, the FOCUS missionaries and the Apostles of the Interior Life sisters.
I myself was personally touched and my heart moved during this evening. My prayer and hope is that many other students experienced this as well.

Fr. Benedict holding the Blessed Sacrament.
Photo Creds to Sam White. Thanks!

My First Criticism (to my face)

On the same Monday that Chris and I experienced the beauty in walking up to strangers to speak about God, I met with my first open opposition towards my future plans.
It came from a former professor of mine who I organized a meeting with just to chat. I enjoyed his class last semester greatly and respect him as someone who is very interesting to talk to because of his philosophical and intellectual ideas and viewpoints. I knew that the topic would come up and although I was not sure where that would lead, I was not expecting it to go the way it did. However, my reaction was most surprising of all. While he was making his case for why I should not pursue this further, I could not contain the large smile that covered my face. In fact I never faced all that I had feared would come with this type of opposition (i.e. unanswerable questions, shouting, ridicule, humiliation, embarrassment, etc...). Instead, I experienced a deep sadness that he does not know the Jesus that I know and realized that the God that he professes not to believe in is in fact not the God that I believe in either. Mostly, I was hurt that he had a bad experience that drove him away from the arms of the only One who will ever fulfill the Truth that he seeks.
I know that his opposition comes from a place of caring about me and genuine concern for my best interests. However, it also comes with a difference in worldview and a disagreement on the definition of freedom.
I do not know if anything that I said brought him to a deeper understanding of the loving God that I believe in. I pray that it did. I also pray that I was open to the Spirit speaking through me. It gives me peace knowing that it is not me that does anything but rather Him who uses me as an instrument.
Oh God, give me a greater disposition of openness to being your instrument.

AVI Meet the Parents

Another exciting recent event was the Meet the Parents day at the Sisters' house here in College Station for all of the Texas girls' parents to spend the day with the Texas Sisters and the 3 brothers from the AVI Male Branch that were present here this week.
It was so beautiful to have these three sets of parents of the Texas girls all meet and exchange their different levels of experience as parents of girls in formation with the AVI. I particularly enjoyed speaking with the Browns whose daughter Brittany has been in the community for 3 years. It was beautiful to see how close they have grown to the community over the years. I also enjoyed seeing Briana's family again whom I had met a few times before. It is always such a joy to meet the parents of one of your best friends and see so much of her in them.
Fr. Vince gave a beautiful meditation on joy (an important aspect of the AVI charism), and the Sisters cooked a wonderfully Italian meal from the deliciously "al dente" pasta to the perfectly creamy homemade gelato.
It was a good day!

Encounter

On the same night as the AVI Meet the Parents day, I went to the 2nd ever (my 1st ever) Encounter held at Christ the Good Shepherd Chapel at St. Joseph's High School in Bryan. This new event consists of a talk, great music, and best of all precious time adoring our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament. It was a beautiful way to spend the evening of a beautiful day.
I even met a few new people who run around in different B/CS Catholic circles which is always fun! I look forward to another opportunity to attend. For more information check out encounterbcs.org.

Muster

Ok Old Ags, you might find it hard to believe but even as a senior here at A&M, I just now attended my first Muster in Reed Arena. And I'll be the first to admit that I wish I had been going all along. What a beautiful tradition.
Alycia, my roommate and I, arrived quite early to ensure that we got good seats for us and our small group. While waiting we prayed a very distracted Rosary yet a beautiful one as we watched the names of all those on the world-wide muster roll call appeared on the screen. I had the joy of running into some friends I hadn't seen in a while and was marveled at the amount of Aggie Catholics my eyes kept coming across which made me feel all the more comfortable and at home there.
The event took on an even more special yet sobering tone as the name of my friend Karen Barnett was softly called and I answered "here" for her. It is one thing to participate in Muster by your attendance. It is another to participate with your "here".
It still feels unreal that Karen is actually gone but yet I have learned so much in these few weeks since her passing. I trust that she is in the eternal bliss promised by our Lord to those who love Him, and I have hope that we will one day bask in the light of that eternal embrace together.

"Softly call the Muster, let comrade answer 'Here'..."

Mr. and Mrs. Travis Klekar

Today my cousin got married to a beautiful girl that makes him smile in a way that I have never seen before. It is always a special thing to attend a wedding and see two flesh become one but even more so when you are witnessing the marriage of someone you grow up with. I have been through many things with Travis and many emotions moved through me today.

Today I did not witness my annoying older boy cousin get married. No, I witnessed a well-mannered, well-groomed, joy-filled, and charming young gentleman gently and attentively accept the hand in marriage of a beautiful young woman who clearly took his breath away the moment she stepped into the room. Today I was one among the few yet beloved members of the congregation who had the pleasure of intimate contact and conversation with both the bride and groom all afternoon/evening long. Today I FINALLY got a girl cousin on the Klekar side and man am I happy that it is Amanda!

Please join me in praying for this young couple that their dedication to God and dedication to each other only grows as the years go by. For blessings on their marriage and newly established family.

“So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” Mt. 19:6

...and that's about all I have to report for now. I know that I don't post much but know that many a blog-post idea comes to my mind. There just isn't enough time to develop all of them. Someday my rule of life might give this blog a higher priority but for now it will remain my hobby, my go-to on a free day. Thanks for reading!

A Beautiful Soul

On Friday March 27 I was reminded of the fragility of life on this earth.

I experienced the paradoxical emptiness and heaviness that only grief can bring.

At 10:45 am I was reminded that we are made for so much more.

I cannot claim to be Karen Barnett's best friend or frequent coffee date. I do not know the intricacies of her life or even her favorite color. But I do know from the precious time I did spend with her that she possessed a caring heart from which abundant kindness flowed. Her humility kept her grounded but also created the opportunity to truly love herself and her life in a way that we who refuse to accept our littleness have not experienced. She was awkward and knew it - heck she fully embraced it! When excited or giddy about something she really loved (like Lord of the Rings, quiditch, or brownies) she would fidget or even stumble around and smile throughout her whole person. Speaking about stumbling, talk about clumsy - again a characteristic she heartily accepted. And she would most definitely have been embarrassed of a post so complimentary of her.

There is so much I have to learn from this friend of mine. She just knew how to live life well embracing the present moment. And boy did she love God. Her childhood dream was to become a nun (a.k.a. give her life totally and unreservedly to Her Creator). She pursued this call faithfully and enthusiastically which is how our paths first crossed. Meeting in our FIAT discernment group, Karen played a special role in my life along with the small group of girls who taught me not to be afraid of the movements of my heart leading me toward a life given completely to Christ.

Roadtrips seemed to be our specialty as we made two very LONG ones together. First we traveled with 2 other Aggies to Phoenix, Arizona to spend a week with the Daughters of St. Paul. Her parents, clearly the source of her generous heart, lent us their van and enough peanut butter, jelly, apple slices, and cookies to get us over three state-lines and back. Then, she accompanied me and another friend of ours from that same FIAT group on a whirlwind trip to Hanceville, Alabama to see the Shrine of the Blessed Sacrament. (And by whirlwind I mean we spent more time in the car than at our destination). Driving through the night, Karen championed the art of staying awake with Katie as I napped (i.e. full-on slept) in the backseat.

There was even a time last year when she and another girl (again from the FIAT group) went on a house hunt considering living together this academic year. Bummed that that fell through, I was overjoyed to see her last semester at a small Catholic gathering. Turns out that after graduating early, Karen detected a call from the Lord to put a hold on the path towards Consecrated Life and began to work in the College Station area. Speaking with her at the gathering, I saw real joy and peace. It was clear that her heart was quite content. Our other friend even questioned her about this diversion from her childhood dream wondering if Karen felt frustration or disappointment at not entering into a religious community.

I will leave you with Karen's response. It warrants meditation all on its own. Let us read her words and look within our own hearts to be honest about what our own disposition is. Is it one of such surrender and contentment as that of Karen's? If not, let us ask the Lord for the grace to get there so that we may follow in the steps of Karen who may not have achieved the symbol of complete union with Christ in this world (i.e. Consecrated Life) but instead bypassed straight to the real thing.

"I love my life. I have so much peace. God can do with me whatever He wants."

Karen: "You want half?"
Me: "Umm...I'm good."

The FIAT group that blessed me with Karen's acquaintance.

Shrine of the Blessed Sacrament. Time to go in and see Jesus!

Stretch break on the way to Alabama.
Sure let's just park my car on the side of the highway!

Best burger stop ever; found unintentionally on the way back from Arizona!

Making our way to Arizona and stopping for lunch on the state line.

Being our goofy selves with the nuns. No big deal.

We are merely pilgrims on a journey.
Looking forward to eternity a little more now Karen.

Karen Marie Barnett

March 18, 1993 - March 27, 2015

 

Eternal rest, grant unto her O Lord

and let perpetual light shine upon her.

May she rest in peace.

Amen.

"Buon Apostolato!"

The title of this post comes from the last words Sr. Elena said to me as I packed up the AVI poster board and set off towards home (Hallettsville), and the two weeks following that "send off phrase" have made it rather appropriate.

My first solo "apostolic experience"...

On Monday March 6, I went home to give a talk at the Flatonia Catholic Daughters of America (CDA) meeting. This particular group of women are benefactors of mine and it was my utmost pleasure to be able to meet them in person and share with them further details of my story and the community. Although the talk consisted solely of a snippet of my story and information on the community, it was indeed an apostolic moment that will always be precious to me. First of all, the women were a wonderful audience. They were attentive, stayed smiling throughout, and even had questions at the end. Thoroughly interested, they inquired about ways to stay in touch and eagerly took prayer cards with which to pray for our community throughout this Year of Consecrated Life and beyond. Secondly, although I began a little nervous, I felt very comfortable while speaking and even got to (unnecessarily) use a lapel mic which I clipped on my scarf as I have seen many Apostles do over the years! I feel more confident in myself before groups after recognizing the naturalness I felt in sharing about these two topics I am passionate about: the way the Lord has worked in my life and the community the Lord has placed on my path.
The meeting began with a potluck dinner since it was their priest appreciation meeting. This only added to the night because not only did I get the joy of eating delicious homemade food (you should have seen the dessert options) but I also had the presence and assistance of the priest in answering some of the generic questions on consecrated life and priesthood.
One of my more beautiful moments that evening was seeing Mrs. Olsovsky - the mother of my childhood best friend. She currently serves as the Regent for the Flatonia CDA and in multiple ways is the reason I even had the opportunity to share my story and community with this fantastic group.
If any of you women are reading this, know that you all have a special place in my prayers.

Mrs. O, Me, the AVI poster, and Fr. Ed

Vanderbilt Parish Mission (Nashville, TN)...

Saturday March 14:

We arrived after a long drive in the car just in time for the vigil mass that kicked off the evening of adoration and music. The night before was spent at a beautiful and hospitable host family in Longview, TX. As a friend of the community, the family was more than happy to open their home to us, and I felt the Lord's generosity moving through them as they engaged us in conversation, fed us, and attended to our every (and any possible) need. It was great to have parents again for a night! 

Nashville did not disappoint as the music capital since our first night was topped off with a concert at Catholic Underground which brings in local bands for entertainment and fellowship. Our headliner was the energetic and very talented Tyler Deihl (i maybe spelled that right?). I felt so blessed to have him share his talent with us and got a taste of the life of those musicians who move to Nashville to do anything to pursue their musical dreams. The best part though was to encounter in him that which we often expect is missing from ambitious young musicians these days: faith and an awareness of gratitude. Thank you Tyler for strengthening my hope for the music industry/scene. Take note of this guy, he's gonna be big someday...and I hope that his true greatness comes through sainthood.

Sunday, March 15:

Today was the first full day of the mission. It started off with a 9 am mass (the same one Audrey Assad attends...nbd) and a time of catechesis with all age levels of kids and adults. We followed what seems to be Sr. Debbie's motto for the mission and "divided and conquered". I had the good fortune of drawing the straw for the high schoolers who met in the room above the sacristy which also served as the sulphur room for those wounded during the Civil War. Yes, you read that right. We met to speak about prayer in a room formerly used to dress open wounds...and it was awesome! Not just the history of this church (built in 1847 as the first Catholic Church in Nashville) but the content of the time spent with those high schoolers sharing about ways to grow in prayer. The leadership (mostly college students) proved to be quite solid and those high schoolers are lucky to have them. Following this was a nice outing with Fr. John Baker (the priest hosting us this week who is the Chaplin for the campus ministry of Vanderbilt) for lunch at a local place where many servers know him by name. I had a really great tasting (and big) burger! Since we are with an Italian community, a time for naps came next so the sisters, Briana, and I headed back to the Nashville Dominican motherhouse where we are being hosted. I spent my free afternoon in prayer, reading Narnia, and taking a walk with Briana. It's so beautiful here as you can see from the pictures and the grounds are quite impressive.


I got my own cell!



Yep that's our humble abode behind us!

The evening was beautiful as well. We got to meet many students at the Frassati House which serves as the student center here at Vanderbilt. Evidently almost every Sunday evening involves "Sunday Supper" for the students cooked by a different student group each time. They even have a competition of who can get the best ratings. The winner wins both the "golden spatula" and pride at the end of the semester. After this we walked over to the Benton chapel which is the all faiths chapel on campus. Along the way Fr. Mirco and I prayed three mysteries of the rosary (in Italian) and viewed the beautiful campus for the first time. Fr. John brought along his portable tabernacle and crucifix for the time we had of adoration, confessions, and mass during the following three hours. It was beautiful to see the huge chapel transformed into a Catholic Church and filled with the body of Christ both mystically in the presence of the people and sacramentally in the Real Presence of Jesus in the Eucharist. At the very end we were able to chat more with the students before heading back here to the convent where I currently type away on my phone recalling those nights I did this while in Italy in order to preserve the freshness of a memory for my blog. What a great reminder of that time in my life studying abroad when I walked so closely and attentively with the Lord. 

Monday, March 16:

Today was a whirlwind of a day! Luckily we didn't have to be at the Frassati House until 8:30 am so I was able to get in some exercise, a meditation, and homework before breakfast (yes college spring break consists of homework and yes I am "that girl" that not only actually does it but brings it with her to the Music Capital of the USA).
The morning, lunch, and afternoon were filled with a tour of good ole Nashville (pronounced "Nashvul" by locals apparently). We saw many things and were led by Sarah Davis who lives and works/studies here and has given many a tour in her short 2.5 years stay. I saw buildings like the original Grand Ole Opry and the skyscraper that is one of the homes of T. Swift here in the city. We went to Centennial Park where there is a mock full size replica of the Greek Parthenon and to bicentennial mall where there is an outdoor acoustic structure that amplifies a voice that sings while standing in its middle. We also ate at a place called Local Tacos which was fantastic and thankfully light. (Parish missions are often times filled with heavy homemade meals so this was a nice change of pace).

Katie, Briana, James, Me, and Sarah!

The life size replica of the Parthenon in "the Athens of the South"

Me and this gem: Katie Paulson! Missing you so much already!!

Following this we returned to Frassati House to mingle a little with the Vandy (they gave me permission to use their nickname for it) students until the evening agenda began. It was beautiful to enter into the culture of Frassati house and University Catholic (the catholic group here). A group of the students and us missionaries prayed the rosary together before mass at the beautiful adjacent cathedral before a pizza supper and Sr. Elena's talk on discernment. We got all cozy in the Sweet Eugene like atmosphere of Frassati House and eventually broke into guys and girls groups. I can't speak for the guys but our group went really well. There were many well formed and deep questions that sparked great discussion. I can't wait to see what tomorrow holds with this special group of young people. It is evident that the Lord is truly working in and through them!

Sr. Elena giving a talk at Frassati House

Tuesday, March 17:

So many emotions! The best and worst part of Parish Missions happened today! First, the best! (I normally like to end on a high note but the worst only makes sense in the light of the best).
So...the best: making connections and truly dialoging with another. I've said this before and probably even blogged about it but as one who studies culture, I'm fascinated by the culture of an individual person and see entering into that as an utmost privilege. To be so honored as to be allowed into even just a glimpse of the gift that God creates in each unique life is a very precious encounter that I am keenly aware of. This happened today in a few ways.
First, I entered into the wider culture of the Nashville Dominicans when Briana and I went to mass and thus inadvertently the second half of chanted morning prayer. And by chanted I mean chanted - and at octaves higher than those known to man...especially at 6:00 in the morning.

Lauds (morning prayer) with the host family

But after the routine of prayer that morning, we (Briana, Katie, James, Sarah, Joel, and I) headed off with Focus to "the wall" where we encountered Vandy students and just chatted with them. "The wall" is apparently THE place to hold posters and rent tables to advertise for university sanctioned events and organizations. Since Focus is one of those, we assumed our position and started up random conversations. My Aggie readers will be pleased to know that the urge (and impulse really) to say "howdy" was quite frankly ridiculous and impossible to turn off. In the meantime I got to hang out with the Focus missionary Eric who I was blessed with during the informal and haphazard "pairing off" episode. It was neat to learn more about him and his life as a missionary. He also brought in a new perspective on the campus culture not being from Vanderbilt or A&M but...wait for it...'Bama. And before all you hardcore Ags get too worked up, I'll have you know that he was a standup guy with a solid faith and gave me a great impression of 'Bama grads. Anyway, I had a great time on campus getting to know a few students and getting a taste of the Vandy lifestyle. The campus is absolutely gorgeous: matching dark red brick buildings, green grass, sloping hills... It's an actual arboretum and thus has beautiful trees and plants too! After this, back at the motherhouse for "rest time" Briana and I got a tour by Sr. John Thomas who incidentally enough, was one of the sisters that visited A&M two years ago when both Briana and I were in school. We actually all ate supper after mass together one time back then.

Me, Caroline, James Edwin, Anthony, Katie, and James Edward

Then came our next appointment: Dismas House. Dismas (the name of the Good Thief who entered into Paradise right after Jesus) House is a halfway house for former prisoners looking to integrate back into the world. The students of University Catholic (aka Vandy student ministry) go to cook them supper every two weeks. This meal was an awesome experience. Everyone there was so welcoming and organized. The meal was filled with much laughter and really great food! It was beautiful to see the power in this ministry. Caroline - one of the more consistent volunteering students - told us about the change she sees in the men that come through Dismas House. I am glad this ministry exists and that the students have the opportunity to volunteer there and literally assist in the changing of lives. I hope that more places like this begin to spring up across the nation.
We got back to Frassati House just in time to here Sr. Cele's amazing talk on identity (the guys heard from Joel upstairs on the same topic). It was a beautiful talk followed by an even more beautiful discussion with the girls' vulnerability in opening up and truly contributing to the conversation.

Sr. Cele speaking on identity and having a resting heart

And then the worst part of the mission came: we had to say goodbye. 

I can't believe it is over already. Did we not just arrive?! The downside to investing in others and taking a true interest in them and their soul, is that at a certain point, you must recognize that your role is a temporary "pop-in" in their life and that you must make your exit. I know that the Lord has a plan in it all and that we will one day (God-willing) be together forever in heaven, but it really is hard to leave these people even after a few days. I have such a strong desire to see them grow and to continue to be a part of their lives so as to enter more deeply into the very promising catholic student culture that exists and continues to develop here. However, I recall those thoughts that came to mind in Italy (where goodbyes seemed much too frequent). I've learned that the things really worth it and true warrant being missed. A heart that experiences missing something, is a heart that has loved. The great and consoling news is that love continues and reigns forever thus conquering the feeling of sadness that currently resides in me and transforming it into gratitude. There are so many people to thank and I don't even know where to start so I'll just go to the source: God. Thank You Lord for this Parish Mission. Let it bear much fruit and plant many seeds that bloom vibrantly in our hearts and in the hearts of those we encountered...

Until next time Frassati House!

 

Listen to (and with) your heart

This post finally comes after I started it and left it for around a month. I'm not sure how well it flows and if it is completely clear but I post it now trusting that the Lord, if He so desires, can bear fruit even from an instrument as inexperienced and weak as me. My favorite part is the end. If you take away anything, please take away our need to pray more often to Our God Who is Trustworthy. Even with this title we remind ourselves to pray for a greater trust in Him who loves us and is forever Good.


Generally speaking, there are two things that come to mind in today's world when one hears "listen to your heart."

1. Romantic ideal - involving rejection of all thoughtful analysis and the following of the whims of emotion (think: Hallmark movie)
2. Naïve notion - a nice concept but perceived as something done by one who wasn't disciplined enough to think it through first

Thus, the idea has a bit of a negative or unrealistic connotation and seems to be (at least for me) something to be weary of.

But is this so in the spiritual life? What does "listen to your heart" connote in the context of the Interior? In other words, what does it mean for an intimate friend of God to listen to his/her heart?

I bring this up because it is something that I struggle with often myself. One of the biggest temptations for me in my prayer life is making it a head game. Trying to "figure things out" or "be good" at prayer. I forget often that prayer is a relationship and that relationships involve the contribution of not only the head but also the heart.

I don't know if it is the culture or just me but when this was brought to my attention, I realized that I am not always very trusting of my heart. Or at least I am not trusting of my interpretation or reading of the movements of my heart. Questions I often asked were "Is it okay to recognize peace in my  heart even if my head is not totally convinced?" or "Is it enough to follow a conviction in my heart that I can't even explain?"

Our world has coached us to be practical, think everything through, have a long term plan, know the step that comes after the next step. In other words, our world tells us to get in and stay in our head. But who else is in our head? Are we not often times alone there?

And if prayer is a relationship with One other than ourselves then I can't only stay in my head by myself. So where must I go? Here's where we implore the aid of those intimate friends of God: the saints.

When talking about intimate friends of God, my mind immediately jumps to Our Blessed Mother Mary. Can their be a greater intimacy with the Divine than physically carrying the Son of God (who is God Himself) in the womb and witnessing both His blessed first breath and trembling last?

And, what does this intimate friend of God teach us about the interaction with and reliability of our heart? For this, we turn to the Gospel of Luke.

"But Mary treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart." - Luke 2:19

This action of Mary - "pondering in her heart" - comes after the shepherds make known to the Holy Family the message of the Angels: "behold, I proclaim to you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. For today in the city of David a savior has been born for you who is Messiah and Lord. And this will be a sign for you: you will find an infant wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger." (Lk 2:10-12) 

This would clearly be overwhelming even to someone who had already been de-briefed by her own personal angel (see The Annunciation Lk 1:26-38). However Mary does not immediately jump to analyze the situation considering who else has all heard the news and which societal class will show up next to give due praise to her Son. No, she simply accepts the message and turns to the known dwelling place of the Lord God aside from her arms: her heart.

Now how do we know that we can trust our heart? That our Lord God is truly dwelling there in a way that enables us to confidently follow it.

For me this can be checked with three simple questions:

1. Am I frequenting the Sacraments?
2. Do I have a consistent and daily prayer life?
3. Do I have a wise and competent spiritual guide (i.e. spiritual director)?

These questions and their answers may take different forms for different people but their main components should be there. In other words, Sunday mass attendance is a must. If it is possible to go during the week, that should be done as well. Also, those who regularly go to confession develop greater self knowledge and understanding of their need for God's mercy (i.e. humility). I recommend at least once a month. We also must pray every day. We cannot have a relationship without communication. If you aren't yet praying, start with 10 minute reflections over the day's gospel (find those readings and a reflection here). A good goal would be to build up to a half hour a day. And finally, if available to you, find a spiritual director or mentor. Someone who can walk with you on your faith journey.

If these three components are in your life or at least the first two, you can be more relaxed about the trustworthiness of your heart.

The fact is God has a will for us and He desires that we find it. It is not some great cryptic message to decode. God knows us so well that He reveals His will to us sometimes in ways that only we can notice so don't look to far outside of yourself.

And don't worry so much about whether or not you can trust your heart. Keep your heart close to Jesus by frequenting the sacraments, praying daily, and - if possible - walking with a spiritual director or mentor and remember that He is trustworthy.

Thus listening to your heart is no longer about your heart so much as it is about your relationship with Jesus. The questions we should be asking are not about our heart's trustworthiness.
The questions are:
Am I close to Jesus? Do I have a relationship with Him?
Do I trust Jesus? Will I follow Him even with only the instructions for the next step?
 

May the God of peace himself make you perfectly holy and may you entirely, spirit, soul, and body, be preserved blameless for the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful, and he will also accomplish it.  -1 Thes 5: 23-24

A Full Month of Home

As many other college students, today consists of throwing together last minute bags, passing a few hours on the highway, and lamenting the price of textbooks in preparation for a return to the university for my spring semester. The previous month was Christmas break and boy did it fly by. This post is to share the blessing of "home" I received in these short but fulfilling 4 weeks.

With the Fam

Coming home this past December was a bit different than normal because I did so with recently announced concrete post-graduation plans. This means I spent many an hour explaining what is a "sister", who the Apostles of the Interior Life are, and what it all actually means. I'd say it went rather well. Potential benefactor letters went out since the community lives off of divine providence and I am responsible for paying off my debt, formation education in Rome, and other small living expenses for the next 6(ish) years before vows. (For information on how to become one go here). In Hallettsville this meant inevitably running into recipients of my letter at church, in Walmart, in the grocery store, and one of the handful of restaurants in town. The Lord blessed my rejection fearing soul with beautiful encounters of encouragement and genuine joy for me and my new adventure with Him.


Within the family conversation was much easier this time around (I first announced to them at Thanksgiving). It was clear that questions were more comfortably asked and with a lower degree of awkwardness than the first time. Loving teasing was even made toward it filling my heart with contentment. I had a few encounters in which I am almost certain the Lord was speaking to me through the other assuaging my concerns mostly about time and distance away from family. I was reminded that this is natural in any future plans when one goes off to pursue career paths or a vocation to marriage. I am not "leaving" family and home solely because I am entering a religious community. That was bound to happen regardless of any plan short of moving back home. This put me much more at ease.


Finally my time with the family was precious because of just that: it was time with my family. It really is the little things that fill my heart with love. I bought a puzzle after a few days home which we started after Christmas. It was something we went back to almost every night for a bit but there was much still remaining the night before my departure. Thus, my Uncle Mike, Dad, and I stayed with it well into the night even though we were tired in order to finish it just for me! Also this same trio spent a few hours one evening splitting wood. This may seem like work to some (and indeed it was) but it is also a fun activity that many don't get to experience. Plus, we had a wood splitter so no axes were lifted. I got to make kolaches with my grandma for Christmas Eve as well as pray the rosary with her as part of her daily routine and just spend hours sitting with her and hearing stories about her life. Mom and I exercised together and did some shopping post-Christmas to find clothes that fit or return those less desired. Now, I'm not a hug fan of hitting the mall but girl time is always nice especially with mom. Uncle Pat and I went "hunting" together. Actually he went hunting in one stand and I went praying and nature watching in the other. It was nice to have the peace and quiet and to reflect over the beauty of the land that I had the privilege to grow up on. I wouldn't trade my upbringing for the world. I am who I am because of these people and this place.


Finally, after 2 beautiful weeks at home doing the wonderfully normal activities we do each year and enjoying the fantastic weather, I even got to spend New Year's Eve in Brandon's neck of the woods (Dallas) meeting or getting to know better his friends from there. What a beautiful experience. I felt so included and had such a blast. Every one I told about the Apostles were ecstatic for me and offered me their prayers. We played Catch Phrase, Heads Up, and drank Champaign in the New Year. By the end of the night while watching them all slip away one by one, I heard many "see you tomorrow"s and my heart desired to be able to say the same thing. I'm so happy that Brandon has such a good group of friends all so obviously striving to be saints and having a great time doing it!

The Rest of Break

Believe it or not, those many activities occurred solely in the first 2 weeks, so what happened the second half and how was I at home if I left?


Good question.


On the first day of 2015 Brandon dropped me off at Dallas Love Field Airport. There I met up with Briana Santiago (a good friend and girl in pre-formation with the community) who accompanied me on a Southwest flight to Kansas City. Awaiting us at the airport were two Romans and lots of smiles and hugs! You see, I spent the second half of my break with the Apostles of the Interior Life. All the Sisters living in the States go to Kansas for Christmas and thus Briana and I were joining them after our time home.


The first thing I recognized as I entered the Lawrence house where all the sisters awaited, was the deep joy and peace I felt upon seeing their faces, hearing their voices, and meeting their many embraces. This profound peace and joy surged up in me and filled me with much confirmation in my next step. Although it was hard leaving my family, I had no doubt that a different kind of family met me there that night.

The following day Sr. Lella, Sr. Jo, Briana, Janelle (a college student also discerning), and I headed out to Rockport, Indiana for a Parish Mission. A typical Apostle Parish Mission consists of three evening talks (Call to Holiness and Prayer, Call to Conversion, and Call to the Eucharist) over the course of three days. Other events include spiritual direction by the Sisters; witness talks by the college students; visits to nursing homes, homebound, or Catholic schools; youth group activities; and of course praying in the same routine as the Sisters. It is on these trips that we are met with such great generosity because we are hosted by families and have all meals provided for us. God's providence works so beautifully through those who hunger for the spiritual formation that the Apostles bring. During this week, I got to know Sr. Jo and Sr. Lella even better and enjoyed the time we spent together. Being in such a small town my Texan accent started venturing out that these two sisters (an Aussie and a Northern Italian) had a blast trying to imitate it. It was in these moments and other precious ones that my heart grew even when I thought it had reached its maximum size.


After this came the final session of the second group of participants in the Catholic Spiritual Mentorship Program. I could go on and on about this week and honestly about everything else I have written so far but that's not the topic of this blog. This week is put on by the Apostles of the Interior Life and the School of Faith. It is designed to form others to give spiritual formation which is so needed and desired in our world today. This year was a special one because all of the Brothers of the Apostles were there. Thus every part of the Apostles of the Interior Life were represented. The Sisters were there of course, the Brother priests and seminarians, one Lay Consecrated, members of the lay movement and even the Family of the Apostles who take promises to live the Apostles' charism in a more committed way. What a gift to be present there! I was able to have conversations with all of these aspects of the community and as Joel - a seminarian - mentioned, one could "sample" each part of this charism while there. It was just an unbelievably beautiful week spent with around 60 participants eagerly learning to be able to go out and walk with others towards Christ. I have said this many times in sharing groups at the CSMP but I truly see this as the way the world was meant to be. People from all different places united in their pursuit of Christ who interact in a joyful and even silly manner with the utmost comfortableness even while partaking in ridiculous skits. But in the next moment conversations sore to the heights of the mystery of God revealed through prayer or dive into the depths of suffering and the trials of life. It is a place of openness and love. During the week we pray almost all of the hours the Sisters and Brothers pray as well as sit in on Theory and Praticum Sessions created to teach others how to be spiritual mentors. I am sad to see it end especially since this group graduated and won't be returning. However, as one participant said before departing, this week and the relationships built over the two year program is merely a foretaste of heaven. He said that sitting in mass he recognized that there were some faces who he wouldn't see again in this life but that through the Eucharist we would all remain united until we are all rejoicing again one day at the Heavenly Banquet. This evoked beautiful imagery for me which I believe helped me leave yesterday with a large smile on my face. Perhaps I would not see the participants again (or at least not all of them) but I left without much sadness in the goodbyes I gave to the community. Having been accepted, I have the assurance of seeing the Kansas Sisters and Brothers again soon and being united in the charism until that day. This was another taste of "homeness" because even in the difficulty of leaving there is a security in returning once again that replaces that difficulty with joy and grace for the time apart.


I am so utterly grateful for this Christmas Break. Not only was it great to recharge after the semester but I was given the gift of spending time with my family in the home I was born into and the gift of more deeply recognizing the home that the Lord has created for me in the Apostles. Although I am not extremely thrilled to hit the books again this semester, I do so with a heart filled to the brim and uncontainable excitement for the adventure that lies ahead. The one prayer I ask of you is for me to live each day for itself meeting God in the present moment so as not be distracted from the "now" by the "yet to come".


Thank you for your continued prayers. God bless!

*I would have provided pictures but my computer is not cooperating with me currently! :(

My Next Step!

This post comes about a month after its contents were revealed to me but as a precious and important bit of news I decided to spread it gradually and personally. I am sorry to those of you who I was unable to contact in that way before you read this but I rejoice in getting to share it with you through my preferred medium of the written word.

Surprise! (...or maybe not?)

I am not sure onto whose ears this news will fall as completely unexpected or not understandable. Even those who have merely read my blog a couple of times could have detected (I hope) an interest I had in heading this direction. Truth be told it is something I've been prayerfully considering for a good couple of years now. These are not the kind of things you can decide over night (not without miraculous grace and trust at least).

To take you to the beginning would be impossible since seeds are always planted way before the first green sprouts forth from the earth. However I can give you a bit of an insight into the happenings of these past few years and the components that have made this choice not only possible but free and joyful.

First I must stress the importance of quality time in my journey. It seems to be an often unspoken truth that relationships cannot be built without intentionally seeking out time to spend together. Indeed how can two people relate to each other without the investment of time? In my experience, intentionality is a work in progress. However, the more time spent together, the more my desire to continue to show up grows. Even when the pool of discussion topics runs dry or an air of conflict fills the space between us, I cannot deny the tuggings from both my head and my heart to remain there in the presence that fulfills me, that has captivated my heart, and that never stops inviting me back.

Second I share with you the naturalness and gradual growth of this relationship that has led to "my next step". Many times over the last years I - rather foolishly - begged for a sign, a bright blinking billboard to grab my attention and hit me upside the head with my life's purpose. And all the while I moved forward, slowly and steadily, sometimes without even my own knowing. This growth - this advancement - has been so natural that upon reflection I realized that there was less of a choice to yet be made and more of one to recognize as having already been made. I'm sure many of you can relate. There comes a point in many relationships (especially those long term friendships that gravitate more and more towards dating relationships) when two choices are present: the recognition that the relationship is more than what it started as and must be embraced in its new definition OR the denial of the existence of the development usually leading to retreat and confusion for each involved. I opted for the former being honest enough to know that I am caught in something I don't want out of.

Thirdly I briefly mention feelings because although it is not advisable to stake much on them, they are a very real part of the human experience. For me, feelings (as expected) come and go. Sometimes they remain longer and sometimes they are simply absent. Contrary to my prior belief, it is in their absence that I discover my true sentiments. Willing to stay despite unpleasant or un-present feelings is one of the most real "yes's" one can say in a relationship.

Finally, I write a word about joy and peace. Throughout this recent period of my life which a friend once accurately dubbed "agonizingly beautiful", my true compass has been joy and peace. When I speak of them I don't mean feelings in the way I mentioned above but rather that foundational joy and peace that lies as a cushion just below my heart. Just this morning I was explaining their presence in my life especially during this past month to my roommate. There is this pervading joy and peace that underlies everything else. Even on the days that could have gone a lot better or in the face of my three final exams this week, I can't shake it. Some days I even want to be more upset, to pity myself, to break that annoying joy that won't go away but I just can't. It is this joy and peace that guide me and direct my steps, and with their presence I can't deny the surety of where I stand now and where I'm headed in the future.

So what is this big announcement? Do you really not know?

Over the past two years I have been discerning a call to consecrated life. In the past year I have discerned that the Lord is indeed calling me in that direction of giving my life completely over to him mind, body, and soul. Honestly it feels like the most natural thing in the world to pursue a deeper exclusivity with the One who has captured my heart with such tenderness and patience.

Concurrently I have been journeying with the Apostles of the Interior Life (that community I so often post about) and submitted my application in the middle of this fall semester. The news I received a month ago was of my acceptance! Thus, providing that I pay off my student debt (read more about how you can help me do that here), I will enter their community post-graduation in June of 2015. They have asked me to spend the summer with them in Italy (yippee!) and then to return to live with them in their house in College Station where I will spend my 1 year of pre-formation. Upon its completion and at the will of God, I will move to Rome for 5 additional years of formation before vows.

I could not think of a better time to enter a religious community than during the year that the pope has dedicated as The Year of Consecrated Life. In a letter to all consecrated he named one of his aims for the year as "to live the present with passion." He speaks of the Gospel saying "[It] is demanding: it demands to be lived radically and sincerely. It is not enough to read it (even though the reading and study of Scripture is essential), nor is it enough to meditate on it (which we do joyfully each day). Jesus asks us to practice it, to put his words into effect in our lives." In my own life I have heard Jesus speak in the depths of my heart. I have heard Him call my name and ever so gently ask of me my life.

It is my deepest desire first and foremost to follow the will of Him whom my heart loves and who I know as the source of all good, and it is my slightly lesser desire that this will lead me to professing the vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience in accordance with the Rule of Life of the Apostles of the Interior Life.

Prayers are welcome.

Now I desire to take you through a picture timeline of my journey with the Apostles. :)


The day Sr. Michela and I made kolaches...



...and pizza (Spring 2012)

When I "needed" a picture with those Italian nuns my freshman year (Spring 2012)

FIAT group (Spring 2013)

My first Catholic Spiritual Mentorship Program in Kansas (May 2013)

My second time at the CSMP; first time in loads of snow (January 2014)

Sr. Michela (my first spiritual director) at CSMP (Jan 2014)

House of Formation in Rome (May 2014)

Hiking in Cortina (July 2014)

Briana, Sr. Michela, Me in Rome (July 2014)

Me and Sr. Susan-the first sister! (July 2014)

Me, Janelle, Sr. Tiziana, and Briana (July 2014)

Sr. Sabina (July 2014)

My first picture with "Sister" Tatum (September 2014)



Recreation with Briana (Fall 2014)

The day I got my letter! (Nov 20, 2014)

With my future roommates!
December 8, 2014

The gift of learning

This is a blog post spurred by two things: my new found appreciating for learning and the anxiety of class scheduling.

Learning to Love Learning
In recent weeks it has hit me how wonderful the gift of learning and pursuing a higher education really is. In the midst of papers, readings, tests I find myself blossoming with joy and eagerness for more knowledge. One day something just clicked. I noticed a movement in my head that occurs while I am in my classes or have my nose stuck in a book. My new discoveries bounce off of old ones creating links from past studies to present. I am surprised by my memory of old classes and material previously learned that my mind immediately refers back to. It's as if everything just continues to build upon itself and expand. It's really quite awesome! I also recognize the world view that I live in by where my brain goes when I am confronted with a new theory or concept. My first questions are often: "how does the Church view this?" and "where is Jesus in that?" This allows me to see how my Catholic formation and my civil education both collide to create a unique and developing "mental me".

Perhaps much of this excitement is spurred by the love I have for my classes this semester. The class structures are so much more discussion based then I am used to. We read actual writings of experts and/or witnesses of events. There are no more textbooks - simply books written by anthropologists, political scientists, investigative reporters, and the like. Sure I read even more and am constantly studying something but I am also seeing the application of that which I study in everyday life and find myself desiring to speak of it with others. I have had classes like such scattered throughout past semesters but this one is littered with them. It is these upper level classes that I will miss the most.

Feeling assured by the fact that learning does not ever end, I move forward joyfully but also patiently appreciating the present moment of lecture halls, papers, heavy reading loads, exams, and (dare I even say it)...group projects.

Class Scheduling
As far as college goes, I think class scheduling is the most anxious time for me - more than even exam periods or big project deadlines. There is just something about registering for classes that stresses me out. I'd say it is connected with the fact that I don't want to pick something that I will regret having taken and have to live with knowing that I picked it myself. It's just a lot of self inflicted pressure and exposes two weakness of mine: to look at the top of the staircase instead of the next step and to fear yet desire to have control. I don't have a remedy for these two weaknesses. They are just imperfections I am slowly storing up the courage to ask for purification from. I say storing up courage because we often get what we pray for in ways that aren't as "romantic" as we imagined. For instance, a prayer for patience can land you in a car that hits every single red light on Texas Avenue. (Try it. I dare you.)

Anyways...scheduling this time around presents two new experiences for me: (1) It is my last time to schedule classes since I graduate in May 2015 (A-Whoop), and (2) I am only taking 3 classes for a total of 9 hours. As a soon-to-be graduating senior I find myself overwhelmed with the realization that my time here is quickly diminishing. And, as I mentioned above, with my new found love and appreciation for learning burning in my heart, I look to that day in May with bittersweet feelings. Yes it is a day that marks the achievement and hard work I've put into these past 4 years (and the 12 before that really) but it also marks the end to this time of learning. Now don't get me wrong, learning is a life long project that we can't turn off if we wanted to. However, there's a difference between learning from life or as a professional and living the vocation of being a student in a university setting. Right now, as I harped on earlier in this post, I am obliged to spend my time studying in a very literal sense reading primary and secondary sources by experts or first hand witnesses, expanding my knowledge at the feet of professors who devote their life to the very subject of my study, and developing a close relationship with my laptop on which I spend hours each day researching and writing. Sure I can choose how much time I devote to it and do take healthy breaks for prayer, relaxation, and fun, but my duty as a student is to do what students do (i.e. study). There is no other time like this in life. I currently live to go to campus and increase my knowledge.

Looking at the class choices, I realize that I want to take them all. I can't pick. I don't want to think of missing out on great classes I could take (which is ridiculous because there are many great classes that I would never have enough time to take). The good news: Jesus got this. I don't have control...not really at least. I have free will so I can choose the class but I am not required to control the outcomes. If anything I am required to surrender and relinquish that control to God who knows exactly what class He has in mind for the formation that I will receive in this next spring of my life.

And when the gift is unwrapped?
Does walking across the stage in Reed Arena, signaling the end of my time as an undergraduate student at the great Texas A&M University mean that learning is over? No, but you all get that by now. Does it mean that learning in this way - in a class setting, on a campus, surrounded by friends in the same situation, without a 9-5 job or a larger commitment in place - is over? Yes. Am I sad about this? Yes AND No. Yes because this time of college really is quite awesome (see above for how I really feel about that :P ). No because God has willed it to be so, and if God has willed it, it is the best thing - the highest good.