A New Front Door

Last week our local community moved into a new house after fourteen years in our dear ranch style home on Oaklawn. Over the years many Apostles called it home and several of us lived there as young women in formation. I personally spent much of my discernment of the community in that house, praying in its sweet little chapel, and seeing for the first time what consecrated life looked like from the inside.

It was a bittersweet parting. On one hand I could feel the excitement of what was new: a new local community (our combination of sisters have never all lived together), a new quantity of sisters (we’ve never been so many in an American house), and all of this in a new home! But of course, as boxes and furniture left through the front door and the house became emptier and emptier, a layer of sadness coated the immense gratitude that filled my heart.

Gratitude was the primary and overwhelming sensation. That house became a home for me long before its keys resided in my purse pocket. In it I experienced a variety of encounters. Firstly, with the Lord who, during my college years, pursued my heart in a way that I had never been pursued before, and slowly but surely conquered it and claimed it as His own. It was also a place of encounter with my neighbor. The different sisters who lived there revealed to me, through their simplicity of life, the beauty and joy of giving one’s whole self to the Lord. The students who visited their home along with me taught me that it’s possible to seek virtue and holiness, all while maintaining a healthy “normalcy”.

But a knot did creep up into my throat as we prayed one last prayer in the chapel and accompanied Jesus to His new home. It was a simple prayer, one of thanksgiving and intercession: for those who had passed through its doors and for those who will come in the future. That it continue to be a place of encounter with the Lord even if in a new way, and that our new home be filled with His presence as this one had been.

Interestingly enough, or perhaps fittingly so, once the Blessed Sacrament was out of the house, I began to move boxes and furniture with more ease. It was as if He preceded us to the new home and was now calling us to follow Him. In fact, His presence was the defining one under that roof. He is the source and center. It was never about that particular sister who lived there (she comes and goes). And it was never about those certain students that came more frequently (their turnover rate remains stable at 4 years). It has always been Him. And it will be His presence that characterizes the new home as well.

There is still a lot of unpacking and organizing to be done. By no means are we “all settled in” but He is here. And so, our little local community comes together as a response to His call and with trust we begin a new adventure ready to create new memories with new sisters and new students, all behind a new front door but in the presence of the same Lord who is as good and as loving as ever.

 

Thanks for all of the memories Oaklawn house: birthdays, Easter lilies, community life, baking kolaches, celebrating victory (KU National Championship), and Night prayer with the students. You will be missed but there are many new memories to come!

 

 

Newsletter Update July 2022

July 20, 2022

Dear Family and Friends!

I am writing to y’all from a new location: Assisi, Italy! This year our community is doing its vacation and planning time here. What a gift to be in such a peaceful place where many a saintly foot has trod! Know that I am holding every one of you in my prayers in each of the special places we are able to visit while here. That said, let’s jump right into our normal newsletter format…

BUT FIRST! I have an important piece of news and life update to share: I have received a new mission and will be moving back to Texas! I will live in our house in College Station and dedicate my time to campus ministry and vocational work in the States. As you can imagine, this will be the overarching theme of the rest of the Newsletter so keep reading to find out more!...

Important Events

- July 1-21 – community time in Assisi with all of the sisters (vacation/planning for the new year)

- July 24-30 – my annual Spiritual Exercises (I will do them again in Loreto, Italy)

- August 1 – I fly to Texas (without a return ticket!!) (and my parents celebrate 35 years of marriage!)

- August 1-8 – family time at home

- August 8 – arrival in College Station to start my new mission

- Late August/early September – move into a bigger house in College Station

- December 7 – third anniversary of my consecration

Story Time

Sometimes, unfortunately, we consecrated people can seem to be immersed in a one-sided relationship. Our Spouse – the Divine Bridegroom – is invisible to the naked eye and so, externally, it would appear that, apart from community activities, we do most things alone: we pray alone, we sleep alone, we rejoice alone, we grieve alone, we succeed and we fail…alone. This can be the impression one has from the outside looking in but what about the vantage point of us consecrated people? How can we fall into this one-sided view of our relationship with the Lord?

I noticed this happening to me recently as I was planning my goodbyes to people here in Italy and making a schedule of my last visits to favorite sites in Rome. As I made out my long detailed list and inserted it into my google calendar, it honestly never occurred to me that Jesus might also have people and places that He wanted to see and to visit with me before my departure. And as I stressed and got frustrated when days passed and didn’t go “perfectly” according to plan, I had no idea what joy He had in store for us.

In those last full weeks in Rome, I finally started to accept that I just wasn’t going to see certain people or places. My “failure” in planning left me with some unexpected “free” moments. Unbeknownst to me, the Lord would soon fill these with encounters that I did not even dare to desire for as much as they were “impossible” – friends who normally live in different countries, continents, and even hemispheres that traveled to Rome in those very days! He organized day trips in which I got to see historic parts of Rome that we usually don’t have tickets for. He even had me “randomly” run into people who I had only seen one other time in my life just to bring to mind a special memory with Him! The experiences I had jam packed into those few days put to shame the measly little schedule I had put so much thought and effort into.

When that last week was finally over and I found myself packed and ready for our month of community time in Assisi before my flight back to Texas, I sat down in awe. The week that I had dreaded for months – the one that I couldn’t decide if I wanted to never have to live or live really fast just to get it over with – that week had been, more than anything else, filled with Him, saturated with His presence: the presence of the Bridegroom who gently and creatively weaved everything together for His beloved bride. It was as if He wanted to ever so softly and yet firmly remind me that He isn’t just a part of those big existential questions of my life but wants to have a say in every little aspect. He has memories, favorite places, and friends too. And He wants to share them with me and be consulted about how we use our time together because our love is not one sided… it goes both ways.

Where is my heart?

So…the month of June was my “goodbye month” in Rome. Needless to say, it was a month of many emotions. As we say in Italian, some days I was more “up” (su) and other days I was more “down” (giù). I learned a lot that month: about myself, about the Lord…about my heart.

At first everything was a bit heavy. I hadn’t started saying my goodbyes yet and the thought of them immediately brought tears to my eyes and a knot to my throat. The temptation was to slip into “nostalgic mode” and mentally list off all that I would no longer do, see, have…once I moved to Texas. This did not help to lift my low spirits. Rather, it pulled me deeper into the heaviness I was already experiencing.

What was the game changer you ask? Living in the present moment. Once I actually started saying my goodbyes, I experienced anew the grace that lives in the here and now. It wasn’t as terrible as I had imagined, and if I didn’t manage to see that person or place I wanted to, the Lord had something else in store.

The pain of saying goodbye to people that have become dear to us – or even to places that have been important for our journey – is normal and healthy. It is a sign that love and goodness existed in those relationships and that the Lord manifested Himself in concrete places. But this pain isn’t meant to be desperate or bitter. Rather, it should bring about hope and be sweet because it is a reminder of God’s goodness and a promise that He will continue to bless us with life-giving relationships and concrete places of encounter with Him.

Once I was able to collocate myself in the present moment, immense gratitude began to blossom in my heart. How great is Your goodness oh God! How much You must love me to give me such good gifts! What ever can I do to thank You, to praise You adequately, for all You have done in my life? What other wonders must You have in store for me in this new adventure?...

And so it is in this place that I now find my heart: settled in the ground of His goodness, overflowing with gratitude and joy. Peace and excitement for what is to come. I make my own the words of the former U.N. Secretary General Dag Hammarskjöld: “For all that has been, Thanks. To all that shall be, Yes!”

Prayer Intentions

- For my Spiritual Exercises: that I may live them with openness to whatever word the Lord wants to speak into my heart.

- For my transition into the new mission and the new community in Texas: for graces of patience in adjusting to a new atmosphere and rhythm of life; as well as trust that God’s will is the “better part” for all who embrace it with joy.

- For the community in Rome that I am leaving and for the sisters who are transitioning from a mission in the States to life in the Eternal City.

- For our work in campus ministry at St. Mary’s Catholic Center; for all of the students, new and returning, and for all of the staff: that the Lord may be generous in encountering each of them where they are at.

- For our young women in formation, for their discernment and journey towards consecration as an Apostle of the Interior Life: Alexa, Kate, Liz, and Laurita.

- For the young women discerning a possible call to Consecrated Life and in particular to our community: that they may be open to God’s invitation and that we may be ready to accompany them in their journey.

Pictures

Enjoying the beautiful sunsets in Assisi



With Laurita after an afternoon of evangelization in St. Peter's Square



With Aunt Sharon and Karin at the Colosseum!



Taking a walk by the Trevi Fountain

Taking a last look at the ancient beginnings of the Eternal City

United always in Him,

Sr. Cherise

 

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Peace Starts Here

After weeks of attention on the Russian-Ukrainian border, I find myself holding my breath every time I open my phone or computer to search for any breaking news updates. With a Russian invasion under way, the military conflict is escalating too quickly for me to stay on top of the latest news.

I’m finding it hard to put into words what is going through my mind and heart. In some ways it all still seems so far away from my daily life: I can still walk around freely outside, meet up with friends, carry on my normal apostolic activities, and return to a warm house where I never lack food or any basic needs. On the other hand, I feel within me that something is different, that I can’t ignore what is going on in the world just because I am not experiencing any direct consequences (…yet).

And this isn’t even the only conflict currently plaguing our all too war torn world. Sure, it happens to be the one in which more countries are involved in some way or another, and as a consequence, it is the one with the most media coverage. But what about conflicts in other parts of the world…those other humanitarian crises that are ongoing with seemingly no end in sight?

All of these reflections have left me feeling helpless and powerless. What can I, a young consecrated American woman living in Rome, Italy, do to help? What has to change about my daily life because of my awareness of these realities? Can I really just keep living as I have been?

In the midst of these questions three little words have been resonating in my heart: peace starts here.

In today’s Gospel we read: “A good person out of the store of goodness in his heart produces good, but an evil person out of a store of evil produces evil; for from the fullness of the heart the mouth speaks” (Lk 6:45).

Conflicts like the ones existing in our world today are not born overnight. They are a result of a series of choices, a chain of concrete actions, a terrifying and seemingly unstoppable domino effect. What needs changing in our world is not so much a certain ideology or political system – those come and go. It is from the heart that comes forth either good or evil. It is the human person that chooses how to employ the freedom given to him by his Creator. What needs changing – what needs constant conversion – is each single person’s heart.

And so I ask myself: What goodness is stored up in my heart? What evil is housed there instead? Do I harbor positive or negative thoughts about those around me, those with whom I live? Do I tend to carry grudges or have I learned to forgive? What is the “main ingredient” of the fullness of my heart from which my mouth speaks? In a word, do I cultivate peace within me and in my relationships?

Today I feel invited to allow peace to start with me, to make choices that create around me a peaceful environment characterized by dialogue, humility, and forgiveness. I don’t pretend that it will be easy or that I will be “successful”. I know too well my own selfish tendencies and the pride I carry within. But I have to start somewhere at some time and where better than here and now?

Just think, if each one of us takes this verse of the Gospel to heart and sincerely tries to store up goodness in order to sow goodness, how much more goodness would there be in the world as a result? It only takes the conversion of one heart and one concrete action to start a new domino effect…

Peace starts with me. It starts with you. Peace starts here.

May the peace of Christ reign in your hearts. Col 3:15

Newsletter Update December 2021

26 December 2021

Dear Family and Friends!

For what greater grace could God have made to dawn on us than to make his only Son become the son of man, so that a son of man might in his turn become the son of God? Ask if this were merited; ask for its reason, for its justification, and see whether you will find any other answer but sheer grace.

-          St. Augustine

Merry Christmas! It’s been a good little while since I sent an update. I never got around to it this summer and then I kept making excuses until it was time to write my Christmas one. So I will try to update y’all the best that I can on what happened over the last 12 months! It’s been a whirlwind of a year full of surprises, growth, and God’s grace, and I look forward to sharing some of it with you in these few pages...

Important Events

-          February 10, 2021: I turned 28 and my sisters surprised me with a trip to the beach where we played beach volleyball and ate sack lunches. Yes, it was February, but, at that beach, the views are great year round!

-          April 30, 2021: my niece Emma Kate was born. She is such a cutie and never runs out of smiles, to the joy of those around her.

-          May 2021: I attended my last college classes!

-          June 2021: I defended my thesis and graduated with a Bachelor’s Degree in Theology from the Salesian Pontifical University. A new chapter of life has begun!

-          August 2021: two weeks of community time. After two years and despite the pandemic we were finally all back together again.

-          October 2021: I started new formative meetings with the other young sisters in the early years of their consecration. We call this phase “Antioch” because it is when the early Church started most of its apostolic activities. The goal is to continue to grow in freedom and responsibility.

-          December 8, 2021: I renewed my consecration for the second time. I have officially been consecrated for two years now and with this second anniversary I enter into what the community calls the “General Assembly” – which is a fancy way of saying I have finished my time of introduction and am now held fully responsible for the same rights and duties of all the other consecrated members of the community.

-          December 20, 2021: we formally announced the news of our consolidation of the houses in the USA. As of August 2022 we will have only one house in the States – in College Station, Texas. To read more about this click here à https://www.en.apostlesofil.com/consolidation-update/

Story Time

Since I can remember I’ve always loved to sing…and I am always singing. There was a time in my life, though, when I became more aware of the opinions of others and the “risk” I had to take in singing in front of them. What if I messed up? What if I didn’t sound good? Or what if I was perfect and they just didn’t like my voice? These inner thoughts kept me far away from the microphone for a long time, a part from a few particular situations or circumstances. Ever since I entered into community, however, I have slowly used my voice more and more but still in very “sheltered” and “low-risk” environments in front of small crowds and not all that often. About a year and a half ago, that all changed…

I had recently begun a new apostolate in helping with a young adult group at a parish here in Rome. The pastor at this parish, a very charismatic figure who attracts many young people and is very prepared in ministering to them, had come to the knowledge of my gift for singing. When I still didn’t know him very well I just passed by the open door of a meeting he was having with some parishioners while planning for a Mass in which the Vicar Cardinal of the diocese of Rome (second only to the Pope himself) was to celebrate. As he saw me he called out and I turned as I heard him say “Cherise will sing the psalm at the Mass with the Vicar Cardinal!” …a year and a half later and I’ve lost count of all of the psalms I’ve sang in that parish and at other events (Briana’s consecration, the diaconate ordination of my Salesian classmates, a wedding of some friends of ours…).

What’s more, I even partook in an outdoor concert for the parish to celebrate the summer and to uplift everyone’s spirits after a long year of Covid lockdowns and closures. In this concert I was once again pushed out of my comfort zone because of the boldness of the pastor who, one day before Mass, came up to me and said: “Cherise, let’s sing together in the concert! Let’s sing “The Prayer” by Andrea Bocelli and Celine Dion!” I remained speechless after that request. Celine Dion? My idol? The singer I’ve been dreaming of sounding like since I was a little girl? The artist of the CD I would listen to over and over again on my portable CD player in my room as I imagined myself on a stage with that kind of power in my voice?... I was tempted to try to get out of it but there was no escaping it and, secretly, I really wanted to give it a try. After much practicing and with my heart pounding out of my chest, I took the small, portable stage that warm June evening. Before me I could only make out the silhouettes of those seated in the plastic chairs set up on the outdoor basketball court. The stage lights were blinding and the music carried throughout the entire neighborhood as local residents peered out from their balconies to see its source. It was my turn to sing, I took a deep breath and prayed for the grace to enjoy the realization of a dream held for as long as I could remember. As I sang into the microphone I heard my voice soar out to fill every space the sound could reach. In the beginning it was shaky and matched the rapid beating of my heart, but as I continued to enter into the song I relaxed, thought less, and just sang. By the applause of the crowd (and the amount of times the video was shared by my parents), I’d say that we did pretty good.

What am I trying to share with y’all? I want to share with y’all my rediscovery, remembering, of the goodness of God who, yes, asks us to leave things but, if they are for our good and make us truly happy, He gives them back, in abundance and covered in His grace. I had “left” singing for selfish reasons (fear of failure and rejection) but also, in order to follow the Lord. I didn’t think my Vocation had room for singing in a non-religious way. And yet, in the moment that I took the stage to sing a Celine Dion song (albeit called “The Prayer” and as a duet with a priest) I felt the Lord blessing the use of my gift and validating my desire to live, in a small way, my dream of being on a stage and receiving an applause. I felt Him saying to me: if lived with Me and for My glory, you have to use that gift! It is not a question of “if” but “when” – and your (our) time is now. Go for it. I am with you.

Psalms remain my favorite genre of music and context in which to sing. I still get nervous (even if less so now) and I always feel like I forget everything right before the music begins to play (when it all comes back). There is something so freeing and beautiful about hearing my voice sing the words of a psalm prayed by unthinkable numbers of people, inspired by the Holy Spirit, and prayed (and, in the Hebrew tradition, certainly sung) by the Lord Jesus Himself. My favorite compliments are those in which someone tells me that my singing helped them to pray, to enter into the Word of God. It is a very humbling compliment because it often comes after one of those psalms in which I was more concentrated on myself and my performance than on “praying” the words that I sung. I continue to ask the Lord the grace to let go of myself and cling to Him and His glory when I sing, allowing myself to be an instrument of His beauty and goodness.  

Where is my heart?          

This year is a transitional year for me. Although my consecration was in 2019, until I finished school, I didn’t feel like I had fully entered into the phase after formation. After graduating, I sensed that I was headed into something new and unknown: life after my studies, no longer under the title of “student”. This was something terrifyingly new to me and extremely exciting! And I couldn’t imagine what it would be like until I started living it.

The hardest thing so far has been to find a daily rhythm. I thought I was more self-disciplined than I am turning out to be. I had always had something or someone outside of me giving structure to my day and now I find that, for the most part, it is I who must do so. And turns out…this is not so simple. I’ve made several attempts at daily agendas and calendars but have yet to find something I can manage to stay faithful to. Thankfully there is a rhythm of life as an Apostle, in prayer, community life, and certain apostolic commitments, that does give me some structure to then build on, and so I am not completely without hope.

On the other end, I do still feel a freshness and enthusiasm for all that is new in this phase of life post-studies. I am discovering knew things of myself or confirming that which I already know but am now experiencing in new contexts. I am exercising my responsibility muscles – which at times leave me really sore (if you get my analogy). And I feel like, at 28, I am finally living more fully as an adult. At the same time God the Father is constantly reminding me: return to being daughter. You are an adult but you are my adult daughter. Never forget who is really in control. This is a very useful reminder because, as God the Father knows all too well, my “adult mode” has made me more anxious and control hungry. I tend to pick up all of the weight and think that, the adult that I am should know how to handle things herself.

In the end, my heart is tempted towards discouragement but remarkably hopeful. Even on the days in which, by my own free will and lack of discipline, my planned agenda was thrown out of the window, I know that a new day awaits me with new mercies and new graces. If I can just focus on the present moment, on living here, now…I think I will be just fine.          

Prayer Intentions

-          Please pray that I may continue to grow in the use of my voice in service to the Lord and that I will increase in humility, forgetting myself more and more.

-          Pray also for my daily life, that I find a rhythm in which I can fully express my being an Apostle in this early phase of consecration.

-          Pray for an end to the pandemic, for all of those effected directly or indirectly, and for a greater political unity in fighting Covid-19.

-          Pray for yourself, for the graces you most need and desire, for the realization of the dreams you’ve had since a child and for the openness of heart to allow God to grant the wishes you’ve left long behind you.

Pictures

New family photo with Shepherd and Emma Kate!

Singing "The Prayer" with don Andrea.

All of my sisters at my graduation!

Singing the Psalm at my Salesian classmates' diaconate ordination.

United always in Him,

Sr. Cherise 

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Newsletter Update December 2020

 

31 December 2020

Dear Family and Friends!

And the Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us,

and we saw his glory, the glory as of the Father’s only-begotten Son, full of grace and truth.

-John 1:14 

              Merry Christmas (it is still Christmas season you know!)…and Happy New Year (almost!). The six normal months have passed since my last newsletter update but they were a far from normal 6 months. The world has been in and out of health and economic crisis and in and out of lockdown because of COVID-19. And yet…on December 25 we celebrated Christmas: the birth of Jesus; God made Flesh; God who desires to be so close to us that He assumes our human nature in all things but sin. He is the Light in the darkness of our world and no matter the suffering or the struggle, if we truly seek to “walk by faith and not by sight” (2 Cor 5:7) we can say with St. John in the prologue of his gospel: “we saw his glory…full of grace and truth” (John 1:14). In this brief newsletter update I hope to share with you where I saw His glory this year underlying important events, sharing a story, opening my heart, and inviting you to pray with me for some special intentions.

Important Events

-          In October I started my final year of my undergrad in Theology (I’m already in my 5^th year here in Rome!!)

-          I began a new apostolate at a parish here in Rome where I work with a group of university students and post-university young people.

-          I celebrated my year anniversary of consecration and renewed my promises of chastity, poverty, and obedience with my sisters here in Rome for the first time on Dec 8.

-          Sr. Tiziana had her surgery to help with her Parkinson’s Disease on Dec 9 and is currently in a rehabilitation center in the hospital.

-           (Sr.) Briana was consecrated as an Apostle of the Interior Life here in Rome on Dec 12.

Story Time

              On October 25 my daily life underwent an extraordinary change that no one saw coming. I accompanied one of my sisters to the hospital to get a routine COVID test before being recovered for an operation she had been long waiting for. The immediate result was negative (as we had hoped and predicted) and so we happily returned home where we had Sunday Mass in the chapel with Fr. Salvatore (our 94-year-old founder) and lunch with three other of our sisters. My afternoon was rather normal although I admit that I felt the need of more rest than usual. In the evening I decided to take my temperature just to be sure since we had heard of different COVID cases close to home recently. I was astonished to see such a high number and took it another time. As I was waiting for the second measurement my sister who I had accompanied to the hospital that morning barged in to announce that the hospital called to say that her test results were actually positive and that they had made a mistake earlier. In that same moment the thermometer confirmed my high fever. In the brief silence that followed the four of us sisters in the house exchanged gazes. Little did we know that it would be the last time we’d see each other in person without masks for almost a month.

              I don’t have a lot of experience of being sick but the next few days really seemed like being at home with the flu. The difference? I was confined to my room and deprived of all physical human contact. Our doctor was called and sent the necessary medicines. I heeded his advice to rest and spent a lot of time in bed. Classes were offered online but for the first few days I couldn’t manage to stay upright for too long because of the back pain and soreness I was experiencing. I remember a certain somberness at the thought of having COVID. Although it was not yet confirmed by an official test, I struggled hoping for it not to be true. There was a clouded silence that hung over me as I slowly processed and accepted that I probably had the virus that many feared; the virus that others refused to acknowledge; the virus that caused Italy to be in lockdown from March through May; the virus that prevented me from going home this year; the virus that claimed many lives all over the world; the virus that was still so new that it was hard to know if it should scare us because of its danger or just frustrate us because of its inconvenience. From one day to the next I had to cancel commitments, live all my relationships through the mediation of a computer or phone screen, and adjust to a life enclosed in the four walls of my bedroom (luckily of a decent size).

              For the next 4 weeks or so everything happened in basically one space. One space for study, rest, exercise, prayer, recreation… One space for thinking, feeling, desiring, wondering, hoping… One space for living. I suddenly found myself immersed in a new silence. A silence both in sound and in movement. On one hand I had a lot more time since there was no more commuting to do in any shape or form. On the other hand, I discovered how capable I was at “wasting” time and not getting much of anything done (especially in that first week). I also discovered how often I divide my spaces according to the present activity. My desk was where I studied (and “went” to online school), my bed was where I rested, my mat was where I exercised…but slowly, in the new silence, I began to hear a familiar Voice inviting me into a new wholeness. It was the voice of the Lord inviting me to live every moment with Him, to allow His presence to unite the space I was so tempted to divide. As I began to pray all my 4 hours of daily prayer in my room, His presence did become more tangible in that space. My dialogue with Him was no longer limited to my formal moments of prayer but also extended to my moments of study, rest, and exercise.

At the same time, I had the joy of being accompanied by my sisters even if by a new distance. We continued to pray together, eat together, and do recreation together with the help of Zoom and WhatsApp. We were extra careful to disinfect anything we touched outside of our own rooms and learned to smile at each other with our eyes when our paths crossed in the hallway. We created a habit of honesty where we could share how we were living the isolation without judgment or the presumption that the other would know how to help. Communication became a strong force against desperation and sadness. We discovered that unity is far from being established solely by physical contact.

When I was finally “freed” by a negative COVID test result, I attended the earliest Mass in the area and had a flashback to my high school days when I regularly attended the 7am daily Mass in my home town. The familiarity of walking out in a world still just waking up, starting off my day with the most important encounter, and leaving the church to find myself in a world fully awake and bustling with normal people doing their normal daily things was the best gift the Lord could have given me.

I realize that my experience of COVID was different than that of many others. I thank God that He allowed me to have very few symptoms that lasted for a small amount of time. I also thank Him that He accompanied me with the grace of His presence in my space of isolation and through my sisters who never left me alone. I continue to pray for those who have had a more difficult experience or will have one in the future. May God bless them, remain close to them, and may an end to this pandemic come soon.

Where is my heart?        

              As we embark on the year 2021, my heart feels the weight of 2020. Although I have much to thank God for and know that many experienced greater difficulties than me, I can’t help but feel that my presence is more conditioned than usual by the year that is becoming “the past”. I feel the time not spent with family (not having gone home), I feel the time spent alone (having been in self isolation with COVID), I feel the awkwardness of not knowing how to act in a group of people, I feel the lack of physical contact (hugs, handshakes, pats on the back, squeezing into a single church pew with my sisters, crowded spaces…), and I feel the great loss experienced by many (even if not by me personally). After months of new government announcements and COVID restrictions, I feel the tension between wanting to follow “the rule” and desiring “rebellion” in some shape or form.

              At the same time my heart is also filled with hope: hope in the goodness of man and man’s capacity for love. I refuse to put too much pressure on 2021, as if it must be the redemption of 2020, but I do hope that the transformation that man has undergone in 2020, the experiences had, the sufferings endured, the pain of loss, and the recognition of the difference one small glance or gesture of goodwill can have, will cause 2021 to be a new breath of fresh air. My heart desires to live more deeply in the present moment. My heart is renewed in its belief in the importance and power of the little encounters we have in the simplicity of our daily life. Like Joseph and Mary in those 30 years of hidden life in Nazareth, we are called to a continual discovery of God through the revelation of Jesus. And how did Jesus reveal God in those 30 years if not through simple acts of love: a joke to spread laughter, a helping hand in the kitchen, a gaze just to let the other know of his presence and support… My heart desires to live that way too and to not discount the greatness of the littleness of life at home, life at work, life in the streets…life behind the scenes.         

Prayer Intentions

-          For Sr. Tiziana who is in rehabilitation in the hospital where she had her operation that should help with her Parkinson’s disease. She should be returning home this month of January.

-          For my work on my thesis that I am doing for my final year of Theological Study.

-          For the exams from our first semester which will happen at the end of January and the beginning of February.

-          For my 28^th birthday on February 10.

-          For my mom’s birthday on March 2.

-          For Shepherd (my 2-year-old nephew)’s baptism anniversary on March 16.

-          For Brandon and Jen (my brother and sister-in-law)’s 4^th wedding anniversary on March 25.

-          For Fr. Salvatore (our founder)’s anniversary of ordination on March 29: 69 years a priest!

-          For Jen who is pregnant with my second nephew or niece (don’t know yet if the news is public on it being a girl or a boy): he/she is due in early May.

-          For the young people with whom I do apostolate here in Rome and for our apostolic initiatives in 2021.

-          For my final exams that will happen in June and the defense of my thesis (I will not be sending my mid-year update before I finish).

Pictures

 

The Apostles born in the 90s

singing the psalm at Briana's consecration

online recreation during COVID

Briana's consecration

American Family of the Apostles (almost all)

United always in Him,

Sr. Cherise

 

 

 

Lead, Kindly Light

The above pictured candle has burned on two occasions: my baptism (March 7, 1993) and my consecration (December 7, 2019).

I count it as a special gift, that my sister Kalin chose my baptismal candle as that which would be the symbol of the consecrated life during the Mass in which I gave myself to the Lord as His bride.

It is a candle that I grew up with. Not only symbolically, in the sense that it was present since the beginning of my Christian journey but also practically: it was always on display in my bedroom. The famous candle that was never again lit…until the day of my consecration!

To have these two most important events of my life connected through a common candle is not necessary but a nice touch. The events would have been connected anyways through something much more profound: their nature. It is in our baptism that the seed of our vocation is planted. A vocation that is first and foremost a call to love God and neighbor. A love that, with time, takes on its own unique form, in some shaping into marriage and in others, as in my case, into consecrated life. And it is through this vocation that we continue to live ever more fully and more personally the promises of our baptism.

As I reflect on this first year of consecration, I find within me a desire to be led by the light of that candle. The light that represents the Light of Christ that has shone long before my existence and will shine on long after. The Light that gave life to a candle of a baby girl not yet aware of the loving gaze of the Father that would bring her to the altar 26 years and 9 months later as a living offering to the Son with the promises of Chastity, Poverty, and Obedience that she is able to live only with the help of the Spirit.

Today, in thanksgiving and praise, I make mine the beautiful words of St. John Henry Newman.

Lead, Kindly Light, amidst th'encircling gloom,

Lead Thou me on!

The night is dark, and I am far from home,

Lead Thou me on!

Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see

The distant scene; one step enough for me.

 

I was not ever thus, nor prayed that Thou

Shouldst lead me on;

I loved to choose and see my path; but now

Lead Thou me on!

I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,

Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years!

 

So long Thy power hath blest me, sure it still

Will lead me on.

O'er moor and fen, o'er crag and torrent, till

The night is gone,

And with the morn those angel faces smile,

Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!

 

Meantime, along the narrow rugged path,

Thyself hast trod,

Lead, Saviour, lead me home in childlike faith,

Home to my God.

To rest forever after earthly strife

In the calm light of everlasting life.

Rejoice, o hearts that seek the Lord

Rejoice, o hearts that seek the Lord –Psalm 105

This psalm from yesterday’s Liturgy made me reflect a lot. “Rejoice o hearts that seek the Lord”. The psalmist does not say “o hearts that find, or have, the Lord”. He clearly specifies hearts that are in search of the Lord.

This concept of seeking the Lord has been on my heart for some time now. There are other psalms quite similar: “those who seek the Lord lack no good thing” (Psalm 34:10). And one can’t help but notice the frequency that the psalms encourage the seeking of the Lord, His face, His righteousness, His refuge…

What strikes me is that it seems to be so contrary to human logic. I am usually most happy when I find what I am looking for. When I am still seeking or trying to find something, I am often anxious, worried, or excited but not yet satisfied… So where does this joy come from? Why would the psalmist urge the heart to rejoice while it is still seeking the Lord? And what does it mean to seek the Lord?

I think there are multiple ways to answer these questions and so I will just simply share with you some of the answers that have come to my heart in prayer.

I don’t know that we can ever say to have “found” or “fully possessed” the Lord. He is a mystery (“infinitely knowable” as a past spiritual director of mine once said) and so our encounters with Him are destined to satisfy us and yet leave us with an ever growing desire for more. I repeat, He satisfies us. Our desire for more is not a desire motivated by lack but a desire motivated by love. So to seek the Lord is to love Him, and love makes the heart rejoice!

We can rejoice in seeking the Lord (and not only in “finding” Him) because we know Him who we are seeking. When I know that I am going to see a dear friend in the evening, my whole day is filled with joy at the thought of that encounter. In some ways my heart is already seeking that friend and therefore rejoicing in our future meeting. And so too with the Lord. I know the Lord to be the One who first loved me. He created me because He wanted me; He desired and loved me into existence. I need never doubt His desire to encounter me. And my life is a journey towards forever with Him. So my joy in seeking Him is not conditioned by whether or not I feel His presence now. (Even though that is of course often my desire.) My joy is full because I know that I am seeking Him who first seeks me. I am seeking the One that I am sure to find. He Himself promises so: When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart, I will let you find me… (Jer 29:13-14).

But to seek the Lord…what does that look like? Certainly, prayer comes to mind. Yes, we seek the Lord in prayer. But even more than isolated moments of silence in our day or daily reading of Scripture, is the psalmist not encouraging us to seek God always…in everything? Here, more than answers I have questions…for you, for myself. Do I seek the face of God in the faces of those I meet each day? Do I seek His face in my own reflection? Do I seek His will in the decisions, even small, that I must make in my daily life? Do I seek to sincerely believe that He is present even in those situations that seem most difficult and lost? Do I seek to trust that He will bring good out of all things, even the conflict and suffering so common in our world? Do I seek to just be with Him, whether I am filled with joy or filled with sorrow? Do I seek Him to say “good morning” or “good night”? Do I seek Him to say “thank you” or “please help me”? Do I seek Him as the God that He is, and therefore seek Him for everything that relates to my life – the life He freely and lovingly chose to give me? Does my heart rejoice when I seek Him in these ways?

I believe that the heart that seeks the Lord rejoices because it is a heart that knows that the Lord is there. It is a heart that knows, in some way, to already “have” the Lord. It is a heart that trusts in God’s love, that depends on it, counts on it. It is a heart that, even when it does not feel it, knows to be enveloped in the presence of the Lord…always. It is a heart that imitates its God who is always the first to seek, to love.

When we seek the Lord, our heart is not spread out in seeking millions of other things. Our heart is whole, united in itself and undivided. And it rejoices because it knows that in seeking only the Lord - the one thing necessary - there is the promise of finding all that is good. 

A heart that seeks the Lord is a heart that loves the Lord, and a heart that loves is a heart that rejoices.

Rejoice, o hearts that seek the Lord!