Saturday, August 27, 2016

Snapshots of my summer so far in Italy

“Apple-lanch!!”

Flash back to one of our first days all together in Cortina. The white van (“Vito” as we call him) arrives in the driveway and all are gathered to help unload the fresh vegetables, fruits, meats, and other food items given to us through Providence to use for the summer. A few crates of fresh apples are placed on the ground to make room to take inside items more in need of a fridge or lighter to carry. The van is now almost completely empty as I carry in a couple of unmarked boxes of food goods. Arriving almost at the staircase that leads to our front door, I hear a rumbling noise that sounds like a car coming down the street. I turn to look and cry out to get the attention of Elena – the last sister remaining near the van. My eyes widen as before me I see what seems like hundreds of tennis balls rolling towards me…down hill. It takes me a while to have the good sense to put down my box and start stopping the apples from rolling too far. I hear laughter from all around me as the sisters watch the scene unfolding before them from the windows of the house. Briana comes out to help me gather those unfortunate many apples that made the long trip down the hill and around the curve to the main road. Let’s just end by saying that we had a lot of baked apples that night!



“Preferisco il Bosco” (I prefer the woods)


In all the hikes that we did over the summer, I found myself most fascinated when we walked through the woods. There is something about being in the woods that ignites my imagination more than when we are walking on rocks in open space. There is a greater life in the woods: running water, chirping birds, rustling of leaves under feet invisible to our eyes. The paths are usually softer being made of pine needles, and catching glimpses of the sky and surrounding mountains through the spaces between the towering green trees are views that just can’t be captured well on film. In the end my favorite hikes were those that included a large portion of walking in the woods. Besides it saved our skin from too much exposure to the sun and kept us cool on the hotter hiking days!



Community Photos

This year's house of formation
In the few days that the WHOLE community was together in Cortina, we were able to take our annual community photos: one of us all together (vowed sisters and girls in formation), one of just the vowed sisters, one of each of the houses we have in Italy and in the States. This can sometimes be a “painful” process (or at least from what I hear since this is my first real experience with it) since it can be hard to convince over 20 women that one picture captured the “best side” of each of them in it. But we managed to get it done rather quickly and are all happy with the turn out. As you can see, we are quite the beautiful bunch! J



Week of Spirituality for Priests


As an opportunity to give back to those who minister to so many others and in exercising an aspect of our charism, we organized a week of Spirituality for Priests. These priests came from the States and also parts of Italy but the main chunk of the week was spent in English (meditations, masses, general conversations, games…). The various activities included hikes (with mass in the mountains), a trip to Padua, a day of silent retreat, game nights, a movie night, and a farewell night complete with skits to recall the adventures of the week. This was one of my favorite weeks of the summer as I was able to see more clearly the aspect of our charism that supports priests both spiritually and humanly. It was beautiful for me to see how our community has a gift of making a home for those who encounter us and the way the priests were free to just be who they are. This was a week spiritually rich but also rich in laughter, jokes, stories, and good solid fun! I already look forward to the next time we have the opportunity to invite more priests to share in this week of spirituality!



Tunnel Adventures


This year in particular, we found ourselves at many hikes with trenches from the First World War. Unfortunately, much of the fighting took place in the Dolomite Mountains where we were. In me this created first of all a desire to pray for the many men (perhaps younger than I am now) who lost their lives in these mountains. I found myself compelled to constantly think of them and attempt to enter into how they must have experienced these mountains that we came to with hopes of beautiful landscapes and physical exercise. I thought of them most when wondering around in the trenches and tunnels that remain as memorials of the terrible war almost forgotten by the younger generations of our world. Despite more sensitivity to the seriousness of the reason for the existence of these trenches and tunnels, I must also admit that I found myself immersed in the allure of adventure and discovery. I wanted to walk in every trench and crawl through every tunnel to see where it might lead or what I might find inside. In fact, we found some very neat tunnels, many that eventually ended but some that came out in different trenches. There’s a certain adrenaline that comes with entering with light, making it to total darkness, and then just barely seeing a light before you that grows as you approach it until you recognize it as another way out! The best tunnel was one dug in the mountain of the Rifugio Lagozuoi. This tunnel was originally constructed in 1917 by
Trench tunnel at Monte Piana
the Italian army as a surprise to the enemy on the other side. The construction started on February 1 and was finished at midnight on June 16. In total the tunnel is 1100 meters long. Inside the tunnel is more than just a “one way street”. There are many side tunnels that lead to other necessary rooms like a place to transport supplies to the troops through a pulley system that was operated only at night to avoid enemy fire. There were also other holes that were just errors made in the construction of the tunnel. You can image the difficulty in knowing the right direction to go when you are trying to dig a hole in the mountain from inside of it. As we walked through this tunnel enjoying its fun twists and turns never knowing what to expect around the next corner (we couldn’t see beyond the light from our individual flashlights anyways), we made sure to say a prayer for all of the men who lost their lives fighting in these tunnels and trenches that we now see as merely places for exploration and enjoyment. The sad story of this tunnel is that when they finished their 4 months of nonstop work, they broke through the other side of the mountain only to find that the enemy had anticipated their arrival and many Italian lives ended up being lost. I have been holding the souls of these soldiers dear in my heart in these days feeling called to pray for them. Adventures aside, it is sobering to think how our coming to these mountains to marvel at their beauty is a lot different than those who came to them to be surrounded by the ugliness of broken humanity. Let us pray for all the souls lost to war and all those in danger by them in our present world!



“Regina della Lavatrice”


This means: Queen of the Washing Machine. Nice way of titling a chore huh? In reality, I was “in charge” only for the last week or so. Before that Michela did it on her own and then I acted as Simona’s assistant until she left to return to Rome. Like my mom does at home, Italians hang out there clothes instead of using a dryer. Many households don’t even own a dryer. This train of thought is fueled by the belief that Italian clothes aren’t made to withstand a cycle in the dryer and will certainly shrink. I’m not brave enough to test that theory so I hung everything out that wasn’t a sheet, pillowcase, or towel (because the house where we were is actually one of the few with a dryer). I didn’t get a picture of it but the view from the balcony where I hung out the clothes each day was spectacular. Nothing like a majestic mountain view to take this Texan’s breath away. However, with 20 women in the house at one time, the satisfaction of emptying a clothes bin in the morning or mid-afternoon was almost always immediately followed that evening by a cry of desperation upon seeing the same bin already overflowing. It was a job for every day. The rainy days were the hardest because one couldn’t do a second load until sure that there would be space to hang it out, and when it was raining and cloudy, the clothes dried much slower if at all. But on sunny, breezy days, you could wash all day without a problem. Let’s just say I wasn’t always sure which of the two I preferred – one allowed me to “get away” with less work but the other allowed me to actually get work done that would eventually have to be done anyways. It was a great experience. I won’t say that I loved it at first but it grew on me and I wouldn’t be upset to receive it as a chore again. (Elena, if you are reading this, take note!) Besides the other sisters are great help and very appreciative. It felt good being able to contribute in that way and labor in love for the community, our family.



La Val Travananzes


Aka THE. BEST. HIKE. EVER.

1.5 hour relatively steep ascent followed by a less steep descent into the valley.

7 (at least) more hours on your feet with little less than an hour break for lunch (by a lovely waterfall I might add).

No refuges or water fountains along the way. You have what is on your back.

All types of landscapes included: rocks, streams, woods, meadows, dirt.

Mostly flat so endurance is the most important thing to pack.

Moments of prayer: rosary, meditation, hour of walking in silence.

Surrounded by God’s majesty manifested in falling water (aka waterfalls), various flowers, bright green grass, clear blue sky, towering mountains on each side multi-colored by diverse dirt and minerals.

Feeling of freedom in the wide open space.

A breath that is deeper, fresher, and more relaxed.

Physical fatigue and spiritual renewal.

Followed by…

An hour of adoration back at the house that becomes an act of thanksgiving to our God who is so great as to create the nature around us and yet so merciful as to also give each of us life here and forever in eternity with Him.

A great appetite and delicious supper.

The best night’s sleep you’ve had all year.



“Rain, rain go away. Come again another day!” Intercession of Pope John Paul I


During the week of Spirituality for Priests, our patron was Pope John Paul I (not to be confused with St. John Paul the Great). Our main concern, being in the Dolomite mountains where the main attraction is the beauty of the surrounding nature, was the weather. So we entrusted this to our dear, not-yet-canonized friend who never let us down! As much as we wanted to complain about the rain we received at the beginning and end of our month in Cortina as a community, the week when the priests were present was spectacular even if the forecast initially said it would not be! Thank you John Paul I…pray for us!



“When you pray, say: ‘Our Father’”


On a spiritual note, at some point during my time in Cortina – I couldn’t tell you exactly when – I started addressing my prayers to the Father instead of to Jesus. I realize that in the mystery of the Trinity we are always praying to all three but it just seems more natural for me in this stage of life to relate to the Father and experience more deeply what it means to be daughter.

I suggest this reflection to you all: “Who do I most address my prayers to and why?”



Malborghetto: A little taste of home


It might seem weird to have tasted home in a tiny town in for North-East Italy (close to the borders of Slovenia and Austria) but it happened and I see it as a great gift from God.

First of all the few days I spent there with Janel, Tatum, Janelle, and Simona Lino were enveloped in family life since we were being hosted by a young couple and their 3 beautiful sons (ages 9, 6, and 7 months). Just being around their creative imaginations and watching their interaction with their parents and grandparents gave me a feeling of home.

Then we found ourselves at a festival of a village nearby. From the very beginning all my senses felt at home: the sight of cars lined up parked on the side of the road because there is no parking elsewhere, the sound of the bass of what I would later recognize as an accordion reminding me of polka music, the smell of the cooking meat and strudels, and the taste of samples of homemade goods, and the touch of sweat on my hands that comes naturally when standing out in the heat in the late afternoon.

Although we had thought we had left our hiking days back in Cortina, the following day 3 of us made a pilgrimage on foot to the Sanctuary of Mt. Lussari dedicated to Our Lady of Peace. This pilgrimage was a pretty intense once since we were constantly on an incline and walking an altitude change of 900m in just 2 hours. But at the top we found ourselves in a beautiful village-like setting. The church had masses celebrated in 3 languages (that of Italy, Austria, and Slovenia who share the shrine). The universality of the church was very strongly felt as we heard mass responses around us in all languages.
That night we took some time to stargaze since this little town gives no light to disturb the beautiful sight of thousands of twinkling lights burning millions of miles away. I even had the good fortune of seeing a shooting star – something I always loved doing at home when I was a kid.

Since we were so close, the family invited us to take a quick trip into Slovenia and have some typical food of the country. Unbeknownst to me, this typical food was none other than fried chicken!! So good!

Finally we were amazed again at the “weather providence”. The day we arrived it poured our whole ride in but the 4 days after were immaculately clear, without a cloud in the sky. However, in our departure, we were again accompanied on the same roads by another downpour!



Sanctuary of our Lady of Vocations


Once we were finally off on our way to Rome after a summer spent in the mountains, Janel and I decided to pass by a shrine she had visited “on accident” 2 years before when her car broke down near it. This sanctuary is dedicated to the Virgin of Vocations since she appeared to two young children and revealed to them their vocation to the priesthood and the consecrated life. Many people now go to this Sanctuary to ask for clarity in their vocational discernment or to give thanks. We unfortunately were unable to stay long because we arrived just before they closed for lunch but it was enough to ask for Mary’s assistance in this new chapter of my discernment of the consecrated life and the Apostles of the Interior Life. There were no new great revelations for me personally but I felt much peace and joy in this serene little place tucked away in the hills of central Italy not to be seen unless searched out.



Making Rome “Home”


Just a few notes on entering the city and transferring into a new way of life…

One morning I decided to go for a run – something normal that I did often in Texas. As I was doing so, I crossed a pedestrian bridge and began to run next to the river. At a certain point, it hit me that I was running me the Tiber River (click here for a “wiki-explanation” of why that’s awesome!). And in just about the same instance, I looked up to see a familiar dome that a few seconds later I recognized as St. Peter’s. In this normal, ordinary life event of running in the morning, I just happened to be doing so by the Tiber River and in sight of the Dome of St. Peter. Wow…

Something that is helping me to make this place my own, is my involvement in the cleaning of it and boy is there a lot to do! Instead of “spring cleaning”, we do “august/September cleaning”. I will not pretend to love cleaning. In fact, I will admit to hating it but…the Heavenly Father has not refused me any joy in the midst of it all. I often have to mentally put myself into the act of cleaning and get over my tendency to go really slow and avoid the work that has to be done at some point. Much of my cleaning is being done with Simona by my side. Simona is…wonderful (to use one word that doesn’t do her justice!). Why is she wonderful? Simona is wonderful because she keeps me going, and she teaches me so much in the process. First, her work ethic reminds me of my Mom, Dad, and Uncles. “The work has to be done so let’s do it!” At the same time, she is real and she doesn’t pretend to love all we have to do. She also reminds me that prayer is involved in every activing. “For whom are we offering this morning/afternoon of cleaning?”; “Thank You Jesus for this moment of purification.”; “Thank you Lord for this house we have to clean, and thank you for my hands with which to do so.” She is also fun to be around and speaks the same language of humor as me. This is a rarity to find (thanks Dad…lol). She encourages me and offers me choices so I can choose the activity that is more appealing to me. I may dislike this time of cleaning and enter into in the mornings with a long face and sluggish attitude but I know that these moments with Simona are precious and I will undoubtedly look back on them always with a smile and maybe even miss them a little bit…just a little bit though.

Another new adventure of mine is doing “la scuola guida” (driving lessons) with Janel. For those of you who don’t know, in Italy, it is quite rare to find an automatic car which means that Cherise must learn to drive a stick shift (*gasp*)! Initial emotions: fear, trembling, excitement, nerves, hesitation. Let’s make this more dramatic and state the reality that Cherise must learn to drive a stick shift in the bustling city of Rome whose inhabitants are infamous for crazy and – according to American standards – bad driving. Further emotions: horror, refusal, stage fright, freeze. But I have a great teacher who doesn’t let me stop at my fears. Janel might tell you that I’m really good at it and already driving better than many others at the beginning but I’ll be the one to tell you that it is Janel that makes all the difference. You read my emotions above…she calmed them all in very simple ways. Her calm presence and constant encouragement instilled in me confidence and even managed to convince me that I could actually do it. Thankfully as an added bonus, we have a parking lot near our house made especially for those who are learning to drive. This is where I made my first attempts at starting the car and shifting gears. From there I began to go out onto the one way streets forming the block around our apartments. Since it was August (the high vacation time for Italians) there weren’t too many people or cars around to provide obstacles. I so it as providence and mercy from the Lord whereas Janel found it to be “too easy”. The most difficult thing for me that day was starting the car up again after a complete stop. After dying out 3 or 4 times at a stop sign, a car finally pulled up behind me, honked the horn (which is normal here), and in my anxiety of getting going, I was finally able to do so! Another difficulty I have only lived one experience of so far is getting the car started when going uphill at a stoplight. Che paura! (What fear!) The only time we did it, I was freaking out so much that Janel held the parking break to help me out and as we got going, we managed to peel out and Janel, with a laugh and large smile, excitedly cries out: “I haven’t peeled out in so long!” Well…I’d hope not! The final difficulty I also only tried once was parallel parking. I can’t do this with an automatic car much less a stick shift! More to come on that adventure…Since Janel is currently on a pilgrimage in Poland (please pray for them!) I have a little break from “la scuola guida” but when she returns, we will try to get out there about an hour each day because I need the frequency to get over my fears and continue to learn so that one day I will be comfortable enough to even drive on my own!!

We will let that be all that I share for now. I could go on and on…why? Because there is just so much! But less time…Praise God for this new adventure, this wonderful community, and the joy He continues to pour out into my heart. Please pray for me that I may learn to truly abandon myself into the arms of the Father who holds me in existence with His love.
My house mates for this year!





Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Getting There


Life is often spent living in attesa as Italians would say: waiting. We are constantly on a journey. This we know to be true in the Catholic worldview that describes the Church as a Pilgrim journeying toward her Heavenly home. But what are we called to do while we wait? The answer that the Lord has been giving me in this time at home before my departure for formation in Rome is: we live. The Lord continues to call me into the present moment, and as I’ve come to realize, with each call truly comes the grace to respond.

Before even arriving home for my 3 week stay, I already felt anxiety about having to leave my family for Rome. How ridiculous is this? Without having yet arrived, I was worried about leaving. This is not a good example of living in the time of waiting. So my constant prayer became one for the grace to live in the present moment. This was my one desire for being home. To live the time well and savor each minute with those I love trusting that I would have the grace for the goodbyes only when the time had come. By living in the present, I had no regrets at the end. I know that I lived well the time I had. I just spent time, took interest in the other, enjoyed, relaxed, and loved. So much love was shared in my time at home, and I praise God for this gift! In the end, the goodbyes remained difficult but the grace was there…in the moment!

The trip over here was also an adventure of being present to the moment which seems to be God’s lesson to me in this transition. First, after a teary departure from my parents at the airport, many different feelings offered me a variety of reactions to set the tone for my voyage. There was the option of anxiety of the unknown future from the feeling of fear. The feeling of sadness offered me a tone focused on the past and what was being left behind. But then there was something else…something mediated through God’s grace of the present moment…something called peace. This was not a worldly peace that just made every negative or painful feeling/thought go away. No, instead this was something deep and lasting. A peace that allowed me to feel fear, sadness, nerves, anxiety, loss but did not allow my actions to be dictated by them. I can only describe this peace by an image I use often to do so: this peace is like a cushion under my heart. When my heart trembles, I have simply to let go and lean on this overwhelmingly subtle peace that calms me with a certainty of God’s goodness and love. This is a peace that, I am learning, can again only be found in the present moment…where God’s grace resides.

So with this grace and peace, I arrived in New York to meet up with my travel companion Janelle (another young woman discerning my community) and stay the night with a host family before heading off to Rome. Again, with the host family, there was the temptation to think only of my arrival in Rome and forget the present. But in this time of “waiting” before arriving in Rome, God was still asking me to live and offering me grace in those moments there. So I surrendered and, although imperfectly, strove to do just that. This produced many beautiful moments with our host family who shared a wonderful witness of faith and generosity. As dear friends of the community, they often host sisters or girls in formation who travel through New York City. They make not only a place to sleep available to us but they allow us to enter into their hearts and truly share our lives even if for only 24 hours. This is an experience that I could not have had had I been outside of the present reality and focused too much on the future or past. Again, God’s grace in the present moment reigned peace in my heart and brought great joy to my soul.

Finally, Janelle and I found ourselves in flight to Rome. The 2 flights were not the most pleasant in the sense that we were unable to sleep and had a long layover in between, but we had many things to be thankful for which were mostly apparent from the view of the present moment. For one, we had each other and did not have to travel alone. We could pray together, talk, and keep each other grounded if one was too anxious over one thing or the other. We also enjoyed a wonderful film together on the plane that passed a couple of hours for us. We have the memory now of this trip and a closer friendship through simply spending time together. All which were possible through being present to the moment and open to the grace God offers in the here and now.

Upon arrival in Rome, I felt the next surge of temptation to fear and be anxious about this new unknown adventure as I drove through the busy streets of my new home. But I can no longer escape the gentle Voice calling me back to peace asking for my trust and begging me to just let go and let Him lead. Certainly, if I rely on my own strengths and capacities, this adventure would have already failed but He is the Good Shepherd, He is leading and His hand will guide me to only greater freedom, a deeper joy, and a bolder love.

We will spend most of our life waiting…waiting for the bus, waiting for graduation, waiting to turn a certain age, waiting for suffering to pass…and in this time of waiting there will be many feelings, thoughts, and emotions. But what will we do while we wait? And what will we do with these feelings, thoughts, and emotions?

God’s answer to these questions in my prayer has been: we simply live…from moment to moment, present grace to present grace. We acknowledge our feelings, thoughts and emotions but are not dictated by them because we know Who resides in the present with us. It is from Christ’s presence that we draw peace and become open to His grace. And it is in the grace of God – living in the present moment – that we boast and with confidence take each succeeding step beckoned forth by the gentle Voice of God: “My grace is sufficient for you” (2 Cor. 12:9).

               

Sunday, June 19, 2016

In the Garden with my Father

Written May 20, 2016  
              I’ve always had a curiosity about where you were going and what you were up to. Hence the incessant questions as you laced up your shoes or put on your cap. Although you occasionally gave me your annoyed side glance, I know you always found it endearing (and now even miss it!). More often than not, whether you answered with an affirmative plan of action or an uncertain “I don’t know…something outside,” you found your way to the garden.

                The garden…your place of refuge where rest and work become one and you enter a quiet place of joy and peace. This is where I most enjoyed following you although I’d quite honestly follow you anywhere. For me, the garden has always been a different place however. After all, it is your garden so it seems even fair that it’s always been less fun for me to be there without you. Sure, it still has its charm of bringing forth new life in all shapes and sizes, but my favorite thing about the garden, when I find myself there alone, is that it reminds me of you.

                When I try to work in the garden by myself – and believe me, I’ve tried – it’s just work to me. In fact, it’s downright exhausting! But when it’s with you that I simply cooperate, allowing you to place my hands in their rightful position, following your lead, and even taking up the “menial tasks” of moving hoses, gathering buckets, fetching tools, or turning on and off faucets…this is when joy and peace really enter in. Just call me “Daddy’s little helper!” I’m not looking for a promotion!

                Even the way you look at the garden is different than my view. Where you see a beautiful, life-giving plant encroached upon by weeds, I see a clump of weeds and with luck manage to discover the plant before destroying it along with everything else. What’s more, you won’t even pull a weed if it’ll put a plant into danger even if it means a decreased beauty of the garden. But what makes a garden beautiful anyways? Is it perfectly formed rows of rich soil giving home to evenly spaced vegetables or fruits thriving without a weed in sight? Certainly that has its appeal, but weather is unpredictable, and you’ve taught me that the highest beauty a garden can achieve is simply in helping it, through gentle care and consistent cultivation, reach its greatest level of fruitfulness according to the circumstances of that particular season. In a rainy season an overgrown garden may seem at first to be in a neglected and run-down state but if, despite the undesirable wet conditions, life is still present and even able to sustain the human lives around it, that garden indeed possesses a remarkable beauty!

                By viewing the garden from your perspective, I begin to see its beauty in a deeper way too. When walking between the rows with you, I love pointing out plants and asking you about them: their names, their growing season, the care they need, how they are doing that year. I love availing myself of your wisdom born of experience and loving care. You know what you know because year after year, season after season, day after day, you walk these same rows asking yourself these same questions so as to cultivate the most fruitful and thus most beautiful garden possible. You help me to see the beauty of the garden and to wonder and marvel at its fruitfulness.

                I also love working with you in the garden. Whether it’s planting or harvesting, as long as I’m doing it with you, I’m happy to get in there and get my hands dirty. I never tire of your instruction and even often ask that which I know I’ve asked hundreds of times just to be sure about each step. I love watching you do it as well. They say it’s one of the best ways to learn but I don’t know if I’ll ever get my hands to work the way yours do – so sure and steady, gentle and strong, eager and patient. To each plant you give its due care, never letting even one receive neglect because of a “rush”. It is only in partaking in your work that I begin to partake in your rest, too. Planting 150 onions may take more than an hour but I barely notice the passing of a few minutes when I’m doing it with you. And in this, I become a collaborator also of your joy and peace, and with time, I no longer see first the weeds and then maybe the plant. Rather, I see first the plant and take action on the weeds according to their effect on the plant’s fruitfulness. Slowly I become more like you – the gardener – never with the intent on surpassing you but merely the desire to cooperate with you more perfectly so as to bring about a greater fruitfulness along with peace and joy. Like I said, I’m not looking for a promotion. I just want to be more perfectly who I already am: “Daddy’s little helper.”

                But my favorite thing of all is just being with you in the garden, present to the moment. No worldly anxiety exists in the garden. If a moment past or ahead does enter in, it is to receive advice or a consoling word. Sometimes we find ourselves immersed in deep conversation born from the fact that I like to pick your brain, but when you become slow to answer, I remember that sometimes – oftentimes – there’s more wisdom in silence. Walking with you in the garden is a place of security for me. It is there, while admiring beauty and marveling at the mystery of life with you, that I feel most loved and accepted in all that I am. In this security of knowing I am loved, trusting you comes easy and being anything but unapologetically myself is just out of the question. As you share with me your cherished garden, allowing me to participate in its cultivation, laughing with me, enjoying silence with me, delighting in just being with me, I realize in your purely joyful gaze that what your eyes find most beautiful in the garden is actually me. The life you desire most of all to nourish, cultivate, grow, and bear fruit from is mine. Yes, you still love your garden and its work will always be rest for you but the greatest joy you can get from your garden is seeing it bring me joy. You desire no gain solely for yourself but to share all with me. A motion of your hand tells me: “Everything I have is yours.” What you offer is a complete participation in the fullness of your riches, and what you ask is merely my presence and open hands to receive. I am the height of your creation…the “as good as it gets” in your eyes. But this, to no merit of my own. It is only because of your love, the perfect love of the Creator for His little creation. And it is only through this love, through being consumed by it in our walks in the garden that I can grow strong, begin to bloom and, in time, – your time – come to full fruition, radiating the reflection of your glory with which you created me. That’s what happens from simply being with you in the garden: transformation, purification, sanctification. With every step, you make me more like you, and your smiling gaze never fails to remind me: “I love you little one.”



This meditation was born of my spiritual exercises led by Fr. Zachary of the Mother of God (SOLT) at the Benedictine Abbey in Atchison, KS from May 15 – May 19, 2016. Spurred initially by the topic of being holy soil and cultivating the garden of my heart, I found myself reflecting on my upbringing in the country outside of a small town in South Central Texas. Being always a Daddy’s girl, following him around was a given. This meant that I quite often ended up in one of his favorite places: the garden. Remembering fondly all that I would do (and still do when at home) with my dad in the garden and how that made me feel, I gradually entered more deeply into a state of prayer. Without much intentionality, my image transformed from a memory of being in the garden with my earthly dad to a prayer experience of being in the garden with my Heavenly Father. This is not much of a stretch since I was blessed with an earthly dad whose paternity has always given me a beautiful image of God as Father.

As I hope one can see clearly from the meditation, it is hard to distinguish between that which I wrote specifically about my earthly dad and that which I wrote specifically about my Heavenly Father. In fact, the meditation could be entirely about being with the Heavenly Father in the garden of our hearts. We are drawn into our hearts by the Father Himself who always takes the initiative and leads us there. The Father finds rest in the “work” of beautifying our hearts, but if we decide to go in on our own and take control, we end up exhausted and without much fruit. The Father’s view of our hearts is also often much more positive. This is certainly the case in my own life. I could name so many of the weeds in my heart that need to be exterminated, but in this rash action I could also very well damage a beautiful and delicate plant my introspection failed to even notice. As we spend more time with our Father in the garden considering ourselves from His perspective, we begin to form it within ourselves as well and start to see our hearts differently. The work that we do in the garden should be always that of simply collaborating with God. We should always strive to be “Daddy’s little helpers” rather than those who try to put “Daddy” out of work. Again, we see a transformation into being more like the Father as we learn from Him and cooperate more and more with Him. But the best part is getting to the point of being before doing. For it is only in being completely ourselves with the Father in the garden that we can recognize His purely loving gaze and be transformed as the piercing truth settles in: We are loved in all that we are, as we are, here and now and for all eternity. In the light of this love, purification and sanctification takes place, and we partake in the journey to become who we were created to be: children who resemble their Heavenly Father, loved, and forever His little ones.

What I think I look like / What I actually look like
("Daddy's little helper" in 1994 and in 2015)

Friday, June 17, 2016

June 2016 Update

June 2016
Hello Family, Friends, Benefactors, and all those in between…

                Could a year living with the Apostles of the Interior Life already be over? It seems only a short time ago that I was moving my stuff a couple blocks down the road out of my college apartment into the “convent” that is really just a ranch-style house with a chapel in it. But yet here we are, a year later and a month from moving to Rome! For those who don’t know, my stay in Rome will be at least 5 years since in October I will enroll and begin studying at the Pontifical University of St. John in Lateran. I will study 2 years of Philosophy and 3 years of Theology in pursuit of a bachelor’s degree in Theology. This, along with prayer, community life, and apostolate, will comprise my years of formation in preparing to one day, God willing, be consecrated to God as an Apostle of the Interior Life!

Staying true to my original format, I hope to give you some information on how life is going for me with a few sections: important events, story-time, where is my heart, and prayer intentions. No promises to be brief! Besides, you only get a couple of these a year – that gives you about 6 months to read each of them! J

Important Events

·         May 13 à The Sisters and I said our goodbyes to St. Mary’s and traveled to Kansas

·         May 30-June 21 à My time at home before moving to Rome!

·         June 21 à Flight from Houston to New York

·         June 22 à Flight from New York to Rome

·         June 23 à I arrive at the place I’ll be calling home for at least the next 5 years!

·         June 27(ish) – Aug 5 à Time in the mountains with the whole community (please pray for a Come and See and a week of Spirituality for Priests that we will be doing during that time!)

·         June 29 à my pastor for 5 years, Fr. David Konderla, becomes Bishop of Tulsa, OK (pray for him)

·         Aug 20 à our brother Joel takes his vows in Kansas City, Kansas. He is in the seminary with hopes to be ordained a priest in the coming years.

·         Oct ?? à I officially begin my studies at the Pontifical University of St. John in Lateran (2 years of Philosophy and 3 years of Theology)

Story-Time

                Here is a little excerpt from a fun trip with my Sisters from the Texas House. The background information you need to know is that our pastor Fr. David Konderla was announced as the next Bishop of the Diocese of Tulsa, OK on the same day that we were journeying from Texas to Kansas THROUGH Oklahoma…I wrote this on May 13, 2016…

                “…Tulsa’s skyline is on the horizon. After making a straight shot through Fr. David’s soon-to-be diocese, we have finally come to its first (and perhaps only) big city. Emotions begin to rise even more as we strain to get a possible look at the steeple that “Bishop Konderla” will call home and take a wrong exit. Waiting impatiently at a stoplight that we should have avoided, we recommit to our rather bazaar plan. The decision has been made. There is no going back now.

Arriving at the airport at 3:32 we quickly navigate to the departures section of the airline our investigation has led us to believe Fr. David is using, watching each car and every person closely in case we manage to spot him. Everyone is on high alert and Renee Anne takes her crucial place in the driver’s seat of our parked van making everything that will follow after possible.

Entering into the phase of my deepest doubt and most dreamlike hope, I follow Elena and Cele into the thankfully small airport. Splitting up, I go take a long hard scan at the security line (that was basically non-existent) while the other two engage in conversation with the lady at the check-in desk. Feeling defeated I return to my Sisters with nothing. They, too, after explaining about the newly elected Bishop…who was a friend…yes, bishop of the catholic church…we didn’t get to say goodbye…and so on, were, not surprisingly, told that no information could be given about those who checked into the flight. However, the lady did mention that one can see the gates from outside of security.

Elena and I return upstairs as Cele takes her post at the entrance ready to intercept an unsuspecting bishop elect in his attempt to return home. Taking a long hallway towards a small sign indicating “waiting area,” I find myself yet again immersed in doubt. I mean, what are the odds? In contrast, Elena’s confidence inspires me to still put forth effort in this endeavor to salute our dear beloved pastor another time.

Arriving at the point the lady at the check-in must have been indicating, we realize that there is not much of the gates to see, and I think to myself: what if I just saw him? As I shrug off the thought of this “movie scene-like” moment, I catch a glimpse of a man in all black with short silver hair slipping behind a large column. I can’t mistake the stature and dress of the man I’ve called spiritual father for the last 5 years. I am convinced it is him as I struggle to get the words out to Elena. In the excitement neither of us can seem to get ourselves under control enough to take the next best action. Elena moves forward into the “no pass zone” with me right behind her. All of a sudden we hear an automated voice command us “Stop!” followed by an alarm and flashing red lights. Attention is now on us and rightfully so.

“Where are you going?” asks the security guard to Elena as I continue to point out Fr. David to her who is now with his back to us innocently fishing a drink out of a vending machine. “You see that priest at the coke machine? Can you tell him to come here? We want to see him.” Expecting a hard “no” from the guard, we simply receive a calm “Yes I can” and watch him walk away slowly toward our pastor. Is this really happening? Oh my gosh, I see him. He’s actually here. “Call Cele!” I direct Elena as she fumbles with the buttons on her phone. I see Fr. David turn as if to respond to someone who I can’t see behind the column but hope is our nice security guard. Slowly, calmly, and curiously - in typical Fr. David fashion - he heads in our direction. Beginning to wave our hands, tears come to my eyes as recognition sweeps over his face and we are greeted by his warm, somewhat quizzical, smile. On the phone with Cele, Elena motions for me to go get her. I wave her down and beckon her forward with a much over exaggerated arm motion. Her response is the only rational thing to do: take off her glasses and run!

Arriving near the “do not pass” zone, we have to basically catch her body to stop her from repeating our episode with the alarm and flashing lights. Fr. David can’t leave and we can’t enter but our new friend (the security guard – who is clearly on our side but respectful of the rules of his job) holds the door open to ease our communication. Little is said but everything understood.

With watery eyes we wave and smile to show our love and support for a man we’ve had the privilege for many years to call “Father.” Here he stands before us, “bishop elect”, yet the same simple, humble, virtuous, funny, composed man we’ve always known him to be. Father…Pastor…Friend, he stands before us his usual self, never long to linger where lingering is not necessary. Having warned him not to heed the missed calls and messages he can find on his phone from us, we make a final wave and with full hearts return to the car.

Some might say that it wasn’t enough to see each other from a distance of 15 feet. That it wasn’t worth the emotional investment or taking an untraversed route. Others might want to congratulate our successful attempt at “stalking” and Sherlock Holmes-like investigation. But we have a different tendency in our community: that of relying on Divine Providence. There is no doubt in our minds that God orchestrated this meeting today down to the last detail. Every stop, delay, road construction, wrong turn. All the skills and individual characteristics of today’s travelers. Fr. David’s thirst and decision to buy a water from that vending machine at that exact moment…Surely our collaboration was encouraged, but it was God who played the true protagonist in today’s story…

…Let us unite in prayer for our beloved pastor and dear friend Bishop Elect David Konderla as he prepares both spiritually and humanly to answer this call quite literally in taking up his place as Shepherd of the flock of Tulsa, Oklahoma.”

Where is my heart

                Where is my heart?...Where is NOT my heart? I’m about to move to Rome! That means leaving all I’ve ever known, packing up the little I’ve chosen to keep, and planting roots in a place I’ve only ever visited! I have all kinds of emotions running through my head and heart in these weeks: excitement, fear, nerves, joy, hesitation, eagerness, sadness, exhaustion, overwhelmed-ness…peace. Peace. The most consistent feeling I have amongst those which are rapidly changing is peace. A deep-seeded peace as if a cushion for my heart to rest on, rocking it back and forth assuring me with confidence.

                Moving to Rome to be in formation with a religious community is certainly a “no” to many things (regularly seeing family and friends, living in my own culture, speaking my own language, pursuing a human love of a romantic nature…). But what many don’t talk about in the arena of a religious vocation is what one says “yes” to. It is the “yes’s” – Christ’s promise of “the hundredfold” – that bring peace to my heart. Moving to Rome is not a decision made purely on my own whim. Jesus has invited me to follow Him there, and I’ve learned that God will not ask us to go to Africa if He doesn’t first place Africa in our hearts.  In moving to Rome I get to take another step towards the call I’ve felt in my heart pretty strongly for 3 years now – the call to give myself completely to Him by consecrating myself to him and living according to the life of an Apostle of the Interior Life. Only in going to Rome, beginning to study, and living the daily, ordinary life will I be able to continue my discernment and truly come to recognize God’s plan for me. Following Christ is exciting! It’s an adventure full of what some might call “unknowns” but what I’d rather look at as “opportunities to trust.” Even amidst the struggles and challenges – the things that stretch us – there is so much joy and love! I personally experienced this reality this past year living out life in community, intense daily prayer, active apostolate, and continual study. Jesus has led me this far, I have no reason to lose hope in His continued guiding presence.

                Many have asked me what I most look forward to about being in Rome. There’s a lot to be said as an answer but something really dear to my heart is living in the ordinary. I can’t wait until waking up, praying, going to school, having meals, doing chores, experiencing joys and difficulties…all in Italian and all in Rome is just normal for me. This is not a desire for Rome to lose its charm of being the “Eternal City” full of ancient wonders and marvels of the Church. I’m not sure if that is even possible, especially for a history and Church lover like me. What it is though is a desire to live life side by side with the Lord peaceful and content with wherever I am because I am with Him. There is a simplicity that comes with just being His, and in this simplicity lie my deepest desires.

Prayer Intentions

                I would obviously appreciate many prayers for me and my family in this time of transition as we all adjust to life separated by the ocean - may we all have the grace we need for the present moment. I’d also like to ask prayers for my brother and his fiancé Jen as they prepare to be married in March. Finally, I ask for prayers for my overall journey and for the journey of the community – that we may follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit in the guidance of Jesus our Good Shepherd into the arms of our Good Father.
With much love,
Cherise

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My beautiful family :)

Brandon and his fiancé Jen

The Sisters and me from the Texas House 2015-2016



Thursday, April 21, 2016

Alone With


                Impending, haunting, hovering, daunting… What’s the right word to describe it? No bags are yet packed and no external signs of departure can be found, but internal signs…those are rampant.

                Back and forth my heart goes, surfing sometimes on waves of excitement but mostly drowning in the white foam of nostalgia. Caught up in the grief of yet another “goodbye” my tears only increase the struggle to come up for air. How can this be endured…this death to so much good, love, and joy? To a place of such strife, growth, and comfort? What could possibly propel me forward into the darkness of the unknown?

                I feel alone. Alone and yet surrounded. Surrounded by thoughts, plans, practicalities, emotions. I’m consumed and overwhelmed by “should be’s” and “could’ve been’s”. Confusion abounds as my rational mind battles my sensitive heart. What’s going on? Even breathing seems a struggle. I am lost. I am alone.

                A hand – Yours – stretches out toward me. Well-defined is the wound in its core. I stare but this is not a time of waiting, of analyzing. Your patience, though gentle, demands a response. I reach for the hand and, in this action, notice the rest of You. Not one but two wounded hands opened wide before me. An embrace offered. An invitation extended. Come to Me you who are heavy burdened. Let Me give you rest.

                I hesitate. Why do I hesitate? This inaction plagues me. My mind tries to move my heart by principles and concepts formation has given me, but as it often does in prayer, analysis only evokes paralysis. Complication looms. I seek Your face…Your eyes. Come My child. Let Me…

                My hands in Yours, I find myself caressing Your wounds with my thumbs. A real love. A faithful love. A love to be trusted. A love forever at full capacity and yet forever giving more, embracing more, consuming more. There is no greater love.

                Your eyes. So tender and piercing. So pure and simple. Eyes fixed on mine with no intention of shifting their gaze. Not even a blink to separate us. Come closer…

I take a step.

A hint of a smile curls upon your lips. Welcoming. Warm. Eager, yet patient.

What’s holding me back? Thoughts. So many thoughts. Distractions too numerous to be connected. Analysis, complication, confusion, self-criticism…discouragement. I am discouraged. I am lost. I am alone.

But You’re here. You are before me. You’re holding my hands, gazing into my roaming eyes savoring the occasional brief moments in which mine actually meet yours. Patient, gentle, tender, constant, loving…peace.

I want peace. My peace I give to you…Touch me and see…

I’m in Your arms, and You encircle me with warmth and security. I am Yours and You are mine. Only the simplest of truths exists in this moment: You are and I am.

But the struggle continues between my mind and my heart, never quick to collaborate. I strain myself to focus, to imagine You more clearly, to hold onto the tenderness of Your touch, to be simple, to remain.

I love you…Lord, You know everything. You know that I love You too. Follow Me…



Leaving continues to draw nearer. Externally nothing has changed, but internally…these changes are rampant. My heart still soars to high peaks and dips low to deep valleys depending on the day or even the hour. Complication by analysis is forever only one thought away. But this suffering, no matter how small or how human, is a point of encounter, an opportunity to go deeper. It helps me to see how alone I really am. For I am alone, it is true, but I am not lost. I am alone “with” You. This death to self, experienced through leaving people of precious worth and a place of love, joy, and growth, pushes me to a point of finally being alone enough to be ever more “with” You. Yes, this is a small offering, one of little worth in the eyes of the world that pales in comparison to the big picture, but this offering unites me more closely with You, and thus, for my heart, it is an offering of the utmost value, unmatched, priceless.

I am alone, it is true, but I am not lost. I am alone with You, and in this stillness – this silence – that maybe lasts one fleeting moment, I know there’s no place I’d rather be.


Monday, February 22, 2016

"Jesus, teach me to come to You poor."


But early in the morning he arrived again in the temple area, and all the people started coming to him, and he sat down and taught them. Then the scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery and made her stand in the middle. They said to him, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the very act of committing adultery. Now in the law, Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?” They said this to test him, so that they could have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and began to write on the ground with his finger. But when they continued asking him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let the one among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he bent down and wrote on the ground. And in response, they went away one by one, beginning with the elders. So he was left alone with the woman before him. Then Jesus straightened up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She replied, “No one, sir.” Then Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you. Go, [and] from now on do not sin anymore.”
(John 8: 2-11)


(Lk. 21: 1-4)

What could these two passages possibly have in common? What could be similar between a devout widow giving her last coins and a woman caught in the very act of adultery?

I suggest that both women – in very different contexts – capture the heart of Jesus by their absolute poverty.

We can look at Luke’s passage for the purpose in coming to Jesus poor. In just four short verses, Luke reveals a critical understanding of what is attractive to Jesus’s heart. In fact, we may ask ourselves, why does Jesus notice and applaud this woman who clearly gave much less than those who were wealthy? Or, what was so bad about the rich keeping some for themselves to live off of? Is that not just prudent decision-making?

I don’t think Jesus is asking us to make any decisions that would put us in unnecessary financial peril. But I do think he is asking us to look at the poor widow and the way in which she gives everything she has.

In Lk 21:4, Jesus condemns the others who have all made offerings from their surplus wealth and praises the woman who, from her poverty, has offered her whole livelihood. Here, He is no longer speaking simply of monetary contributions. No, Jesus goes much farther than worldly riches. Notice the degree to which each character lives their life. According to Jesus’s words, those who are wealthy live their life from their surplus. What is a surplus? In one word, it is “excess”. Thus, the wealthy in this passage are living their life only from their excess; only from that which they have chosen to share with others; the externals; the qualities that they deem desirable by society, hiding their character flaws and working to put forth an image of themselves that is no less than perfect. In sum, what they give is only parts of themselves and never the whole. The poor widow on the other hand, lives from her poverty and in turn offers her whole livelihood. She does not “short-change” God or those around her by holding anything back. Rather, she accepts who she is, unafraid of sitting in her poverty, of being empty. Without rejecting her riches, whatever they may be, she merely accepts her poverty along with them and thus remains whole and capable of offering everything, her whole livelihood – of living to the full. 
Now, the poverty of the “poor widow”, as she is called, may be a little more obvious, but what about the woman in John’s passage? Let us look at the ways in which she comes poor before Jesus.

First, we see that she is exposed in her sin – a sin that is punishable by stoning according to the law of the well-known and revered Moses. Because of this she is in perhaps the most vulnerable moment of her life with no control over its outcome, powerless and reduced to silence. Without hope, she is regarded as if to have no dignity, as if to not even be a human person. Shamed publicly, she is at the hands of her accusers and completely dependent on Jesus’s decision. After being physically forced where to go and how long to stand there and given no opportunity to defend or speak for herself, she is used as merely a pawn – as bait – to try to catch Jesus between a rock and a hard place. Not only is she “nobody”, she is “nothing”, and she knows it.

With everything that she has, with all that she has done, and with all that she is, the woman stands before Jesus totally revealed, her life literally in His hands. She may not have chosen to, but she has arrived before the Lord in utter poverty. What happens next leaves everyone but Jesus astonished, and as her accusers all drift away one by one beginning with the elders, she is left alone with Jesus – in the privileged encounter of His mercy. Broken, yet her whole self, she experiences forgiveness, acceptance…love. Although it was not her original intention, this day she has come to the feet of Jesus just as she is. And it is only here that she will find her true identity as the beloved daughter of God and discover a love that spans the stretch of time and beyond giving her the grace and courage to go and sin no more.

The experiences of these two women cause me to look at my own life. In what ways do I choose to only give from my wealth? How hard do I work to put forth an image of myself that is always agreeable to others and accepted as “the best”? How often do I find myself exhausted from trying be perfect for everyone? These could be signs that I’m only living from my surplus.

On the contrary, in what ways do I live from my poverty? In how many instances do I allow myself to be vulnerable by sharing fears, difficulties, faults, and weaknesses? Do I accept that this brokenness is a part of who I am or do I do my best to deny it? Do I allow myself to admit that I am wrong or do not know the answer to a question or dilemma put before me? But most importantly, do I come before Jesus in prayer as I am? Or, do I insist upon being “perfect” even there in the intimacy of communion with my Creator who knows my every thought before I do (Ps 139)? Am I building a wall between us by carefully placing many offerings of the “parts of myself” before Him rather than entering into a full embrace by throwing my whole self in His welcoming arms?

We must come to Him poor! For, it is in our poverty that we come to depend on Him completely, for everything, not on ourselves. It is in coming to Him with empty hands that He can fill them and we can truly be satisfied. It is only in our poverty, in offering our whole livelihood, that we will discover the riches of being His beloved children.

Let us pray: “Jesus, teach me to come to You poor.”

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Ash Wednesday: A day to celebrate?


Wearing these ashes proud!

I honestly had no expectations when I woke up this morning. Yes, like the years that came before it I had my moment of looking at the clock at some early hour in the morning (3-something today) and thinking first, “yes, I still have a few hours” and then, smiling, “it’s my birthday!”, but still, it’s Ash Wednesday and it had already been determined that we would celebrate later. But even though I had postponed the celebration, I truly felt that God celebrated me all day today!

First, I woke to a “joke-of-a-good” breakfast that I didn’t have to prepare so woohoo! (See picture for more details…yes that is a piece of bread NOT a jelly filled donut as I initially thought/hoped). This would be but the first reminder of the wonderful sisters the Lord has given me to live with. Ones who truly love me enough to both annually write me heartfelt birthday letters and daily help me grow in virtue (not always – or ever – easy).


Next, after a peaceful time of prayer, I proceeded to go about my normal Wednesday routine determined to live my Ash Wednesday well. This meant doing one of my least favorite activities: cleaning. But I did it all with a smile on my face and a tune on my lips and boy did it feel good to return to a clean house this afternoon!

After phone conversations reminded me once more how loved I am and how thankful I should be for the technology that enables communication and sends priest’s blessings through radio waves, I hurriedly walked to campus on this beautiful 70 degree “winter” day. Oh Jesus how did you know I didn’t like the cold? Oh, because you made me that way. That’s right! Thanks!

Participating in Mass at Rudder Theater on campus was really something beautiful. Having gone to concerts and theater events there, it was really special seeing it used as the platform for the greatest act (of love) ever performed. Hundreds of students and faculty were gathered there to be reminded that we are sinners and in need of a Savior…a Savior who has come and continues to come to us in the Eucharist every single day!! So powerful!

One of the best things about today however were all of the conversations that the Lord organized for me. This includes the quick hellos or hugs shared with dear friends I don’t always see in passing as well as unexpected deep conversations about prayer and God’s will. He just knows me so well!

As per usual, I had my bible study this evening with (I might be biased) but the best small group of girls ever! I really always look so forward to this hour of my week and was so delighted to spend part of my birthday with them breaking open the Word and sharing the movements it provokes in our hearts.

Later, upon returning home, I excitedly remembered the promise made to me to watch a movie I’ve been bugging the sisters about since Facebook showed me the trailer. Full of Grace is a movie that I truly can call “my kind of movie.” It may seem slow to some as it is without a lot of action but, as one of our sisters put it, it is more of a meditation. And meditate with it I did. In fact, if given the chance, I could pause it after many of the dialogues and find myself lost in the beauty of the words. Besides the fact that you should all go get and watch it write now, the one thing I’d like to share with you is Mary’s final message: remember every day the first time He looked upon you (how it felt, what it was like, how it happened, Him) and you will glorify the Lord with your life. What a simple yet beautiful message about the power of the gaze of Christ. Oh and there was so much more! But I will leave that to your own unpacking!

Finally, like always, we ended the day just as it began: in the chapel with Jesus. Today’s Night Prayer, for me, was followed by a moment of great gratitude for all I’ve been given and all that is yet to come. I recognized more deeply my desire for intimacy with the One who gave me life and calls me to give Him my life more and more each day. Jesus, open my heart so that it may increasingly receive Your love and thus better share it with the world.
Me: "Wow look at these pretty roses!"
Sr. Tatum: "It's because of your birthday!"
#spoiledbytheKing