Saturday, April 27, 2019

The Simplicity of being His

Nearly four years ago, upon the request of the vocation director of my community, I responded to a few questions regarding my vocation story to be published on our website. To the last question I responded like this: My desire is simple. I just want to be His.

Reading those words now and having cultivated this desire ever since, I am marveled at how close I am to the realization of it. In fact, this December I will profess the vows of chastity, poverty, and obedience, giving to the Lord all that I am (chastity), all that I have (poverty), and all that I will become (obedience).

But what does it really mean to belong to the Lord, to be His? What does it mean that I will give my life completely to Him? What does it look like to concretely live out the consecrated life?

The objective of my years of formation is in part to discover the answers to these questions and in part to accept that only a life’s journey can really reveal them to me.

I have no illusion that after December 7, this desire of my heart will be totally fulfilled. Certainly, I will be consecrated completely to God. My whole being will be promised to Him from that day forward and no longer will it be possible for me to belong to anyone else. However, to live fully in that truth…I think I have much growth and purification ahead of me for that.

Although one cannot deny the graces received from this total consecration, my experience of daily life is teaching me that much more is required to really belong to God. It requires a constant seeking of Him, a single heartedness and single mindedness that leaves no room for another to possess any part of my heart. 

“’Come,’ says my heart, ‘seek his face’; 
Your face, Lord, do I seek! 
Do not hide your face from me.”
Psalm 27: 8-9 

In the light of this new Easter season I can’t help but contemplate Christ, my promised Spouse, up on that cross, seeking to meet my gaze. Or the Risen One coming toward me with His wounded hands outstretched to receive me in an embrace. Am I able to meet that gaze? Can I fully immerse myself in that embrace? Or am I distracted, attracted by something much less, settling for what I am able to reach on my own and not allowing myself to be lifted up by Another?

His love is so great, so pure…so simple. His gaze is one. His heart is whole. His mind is fixed. 

My love is poor, fragile…and very complicated. My gaze often darts from one object to the next. My heart often divided. My mind anything but concentrated. 

So how is this desire to be His completely and in total simplicity to be fulfilled? It must be possible or else it would not be seeded so deeply in my heart…

Once the Lord told me in prayer something that I think might be able to shed some light on all of this: Let Me be yours so you can be Mine.

This short phrase has since given me much fruit for reflection as I’ve often tried to decipher it fully only to realize that its great depth of meaning for me must reveal itself slowly over time. And as I seek to go deeper into the mystery of my desire of being His and the reality that is behind it, I find Him re-offering me this phrase: Cherise, just let Me be yours first. 

Perhaps what He’s trying to tell me in the midst of the celebration of His death and resurrection is this: the first step to giving myself completely to God, to belonging to Him, is to accept that He chose to fully give Himself to me. This is actually a truth really overwhelming to accept. God, Creator of all things, the Eternal Being, Almighty and Everlasting gives Himself totally, willingly, and freely to me. He took the form of man, like us in all things except for sin (Hebrews 4:15) and hung on a cross for me…for love of me. That’s what it means to belong to someone, to give yourself fully to another.

My dwelling place will be with them; I will be their God, and they will be my people. 
Ezekiel 37:27

The difference between God’s gift of self and our gift of self is this: God really does freely choose to belong to us, to give Himself to us. We, on the other hand, regardless are His – He is our Creator, our Father, our Savior. Our choice is whether or not to accept and live in this truth…the truth that would, if really lived, set us free (John 8:32).

But accepting to be looked upon so honestly with love is really hard. To receive a gift as free as it is immense is not easy for us. We would prefer to earn it, to pay it back, to deserve it…but in order to be His we have to first accept that we already are.

In the moment that I accept the truth that God has bound Himself to me in an age old covenant made ever new by the blood of His Son, and that, no matter the extent of my unfaithfulness, He has chosen to be forever mine, I cannot help but respond. And in what other way than by giving everything, all of myself to Him, in simply recognizing that I already am His?

This giving of oneself finds many different expressions in the Christian life, expressions that we have learned to call Vocations. Most of us are called to respond to God’s immense and free love for us in giving ourselves in Holy Marriage, to God through spouse and children. But some of us feel a different stir within us that we find can only be satisfied in reserving ourselves completely for God in an exclusive and spousal love with Him. These are priests and consecrated people. I find myself in the second category. Ever since that first time, by God’s grace, I met the gaze that looked upon me with love - ever since I heard His voice in that most honest place of who I am - I have felt within me a burning desire to respond. And for me, personally, I have found that this response must be total and exclusive. I must give Him all. 

But living in that place of love and conviction, remaining intentionally under that gaze, remembering who I am and who He is, is not always easy in daily life and is, unfortunately, often forgotten in the midst of everyday tasks. 

So my resolution for these 50 days of Easter, for my preparation for vows, and for the life of consecration that I will live from December 7 and onward, is this: to dedicate a few minutes of my day – every day - to just sitting under that gaze, letting myself be looked upon by love, and allowing myself to receive it freely without earning it, deserving it, or even being able to adequately respond to it. Just simply being, and being His. 

How would your life change if you did this? What is your way of responding to God’s immense and free love?
God willing I will take my vows:
Saturday December 7, 2019
St. Mary's Catholic Center
College Station, Texas
Please pray for me!





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