July: a month with St. Francis

July, the month in which I am usually in the mountains with my community: hitting the trails, breathing in the fresh mountain air, soaking up the sun near hidden lakes, and making memories and creating stronger bonds with my sisters. July, the month in which my heart begins to long to see family and my beautiful Texas landscape knowing that the time to travel home is near.

This July - July in the year 2020 - the July when I had a flight booked for home which I waited until just a few days before to cancel hoping that the COVID-19 cases would decrease in Texas allowing safe travel and stay. The July in which, instead of fresh mountain air, I regularly breathed in the slightly less than normally polluted air of a city recently “freed” from lockdown. The July when, instead of with 24, I found myself living with an ever decreasing amount of sisters, few of which remained constant throughout. And…the July in which I found myself surrounded by St. Francis of Assisi.  

La Verna

I don’t think anyone would argue that this past month has been filled with much that was unexpected. Perhaps the tendency would be to list off only those negative unexpected things but today I want to share about some unexpected goodness, beauty, and joy that the Lord has gifted with me in these past 31 days through a well-known saint: St. Francis.

To start off well, I entered into the month of July while on my annual Spiritual Exercises. Spiritual Exercises are exactly as their name sounds: a time of intense exercise in our spiritual life. It is a time – usually 5 to 7 days – in which one dedicates the majority of their attention, energy, and focus to prayer and entering into an encounter with God. This year I was accompanied by two of my sisters, Clara and Loredana, to Monteluco of Spoleto where a Franciscan Convent of friars welcomed us, hosted us, made sure we were well fed, and led us in our 5 days of silence. As many Franciscan convents in north-central Italy, this one is on the sight of where St. Francis himself would have tread.

From the lookout - Monteluco of Spoleto

St. Francis had quite the habit of choosing peaceful and nature filled places for his prayer. The most famous Franciscan sights are up on a hill with a spectacular look out over the valley below and near a wooded area filled with many small trails leading to nooks and hidden places conducive for a moment of silent prayer. Monteluco was no exception.

In the quiet days spent in this convent, I was struck once again by the simplicity and calm that often represents the Franciscan style of living. The steady rhythm of manual labor – mostly gardening – that I witnessed by the friars and their postulants (young men in their first year of formation towards becoming Franciscan friars), reminded me of my own heart’s attraction to simplicity and action that may not be swift but is always intentional and diligent. They seemed not to be bothered by many worries and distractions during their work but present to what was, literally, “at hand”.

Another noun with which St. Francis is often associated is poverty. Those days in silence reminded me that poverty is not misery but rather living with what is merely essential and not bombarding oneself with that which is extra and superfluous. I’ve been inspired to downsize: to thank the Lord for all that He has given me through various benefactors, family, and friends, and to see what is essential for me and what is instead extra that could be essential for someone else in need.  

After these Spiritual Exercises, I returned home with a heart full of the gifts the Lord granted me and these small reflections on simplicity and poverty inspired by St. Francis and the men who follow his way of life still today.

My next Franciscan adventure occurred just a few weeks later in the form of a gita comunitaria (community trip) to La Verna – the sight where St. Francis received the stigmata. The stigmata are the wounds of the crucified Christ. St. Francis was the first to receive them and the Franciscan friar who shared with us the story of this great event considered it more than anything else a gift of love by part of God who heard and answered St. Francis’s prayer to really experience Christ’s love for him. And as Jesus Himself put it in St. John’s Gospel, what greater love is there than one who lays day His life for His friends (Jn 15:13). St. Francis was allowed this grace of experiencing the suffering behind the love of Christ for all of humanity and uniquely for him.

Gita Comunitaria to La Verna

The greatest joy I experienced at La Verna, however, was not directly linked to this episode of the receiving of the stigmata, for as much as it is important to the place. What most struck me was the experience we had of the marvels of nature. Beyond all that has already been said about Monteluco – the hill with a beautiful view down below and a wooded area with trails and nooks for prayer – which was all present at La Verna as well, my sisters and I witnessed something which can only be attributed to the hands of a loving Creator with a childlike heart who delights in the rejoicing of His children.

One evening as we were leaving the Shrine in darkness one of my sisters began to point out some flickering lights in the woods. Upon closer inspection, we all immediately agreed on its source: lightening bugs. All of a sudden my heart was brought back to many years ago in my backyard at home when lightening bugs (or fireflies if you prefer) were much more common in the summer evenings. I remember chasing them around and just marveling at them. After a brief pause we continued to walk towards the car smiling, laughing, and pointing out all that we saw. Then, one of my sisters, I don’t exactly remember who, brought everybody’s attention to the other side of the trail. Up until that point we had been looking up along the side of the hill to our left but she was now directing our attention down the valley to our right – and boy am I ever glad that she did that!

There to our right was a sight that I have never seen nor do I ever dream of having the joy to see again. There was not only a handful of lightening bugs sporadically flickering in and out of the wooded shrubs but a whole community worth. A city of lightening bugs, perhaps thousands, creating a spectacle that man could only dream of being able to imitate. It was somewhat similar to a Christmas lights show, or the many twinkling stars in the dark night sky, or perhaps even the lights of a far off city – and yet it was none of these and so much more!

Clara and I were the last to head to the car as we could hardly tear our eyes away of such a wondrous sight. I was immediately invited into a reflection on community life. Each lightening bug does relatively little when you think about it. Its light lasts for just a fraction of a second before going out and needing to be turned on again. So the single by itself, in comparison with the whole, really doesn’t seem all that impressive. However, the whole – in all of its beauty and glory – would literally be nothing without each and every effort, no matter how small or short lived, of each and every single lightening bug. Each one of us must do our part to make our light shine even if in just little spurts, in order to create a masterpiece of sparkling lights. And not only this. We must also do our part to help others shine their light, or rather, to help others allow the light of Christ to shine in them. In this way, others, like my sisters and me that evening, will be caught dead in their tracks before the beauty of life lived genuinely in communal love and harmony.

My final Franciscan experience of this month occurred over a weekend in which we hiked to and explored different Franciscan sights in what is often referred to as La Valle Santa Rietana (the holy valley of Rieti). The different places we visited each had a unique meaning for St. Francis: at Poggio Bustone he encountered the forgiveness of God, at the Shrine of the Forest he encountered the reality of providence, at Fonte Colombo he wrote the Franciscan Rule of Life, and at Greccio he created the first ever nativity scene.

With Clara on the trail
near Greccio.

In this weekend Clara and I accompanied a group of young people and three priests from a parish where our community does some apostolate. What I learned from St. Francis and these young people in these short 2 days was the beauty and joy of fraternity. Again I found myself in the hills overlooking beautiful fields and valleys or walking through trails in the woods but this time the difference was in the company. I was no longer alone with the silence of my Spiritual Exercises at Monteluco of Spoleto, I was not only with my sisters as I was at La Verna…no, this time I was walking side by side with perfect strangers who the Lord was giving me the great joy to discover and share with. In this experience I was reminded that the fraternal life is not based on how much a group of people have in common but rather how much love and patience each single is willing to offer to the others. The young people were very open and welcoming to me, taking an interest in me, being patient with my accent and lack of vocabulary at times and including me in moments of games and sharing. I look forward to the possibility of working more with them this coming year.

In the end, this July - July in the year of 2020 – has been for me a month with St. Francis. I would have never expected this month or perhaps even desired it but yet I feel as if all things are just as they should be and that the Lord is using even these recent difficulties of life – that the whole world is experiencing – to bring about great good and peace. Although I have caught myself a time or two daydreaming in “what-ifs” – community hikes in the mountains or playing with my 1 and a half year old nephew – I can honestly say that my heart is at peace and full of joy and gratitude. I choose to take a hint and seek to live this next month, which will also be different than all of the Augusts before it, following in the footsteps of St. Francis: in simplicity and poverty, marveling at the beauties of nature, and patiently loving the people God places in my day to day life.

St. Francis, pray for us!

Newsletter Update: July 2020

12 July 2020

Dear Family and Friends!

Here we are a little later than usual. I finished my exams on June 23 but soon after left off for a week of spiritual exercises which I spent in silence without access to technology or internet. I also recently had a lot of last minute changes in my plans as we decided to no longer travel home to Texas due to the increasing COVID-19 cases. And even though I should have been in the States by now and therefore didn’t have anything planned here in Rome, I’ve still managed to find things to keep me busy. But finally, here I am setting on the couch indulging in Sunday leisure by writing y’all this email.

Important Events

-          The month of July – unexpected extra community time here in Rome

-          August 1 – my parents 33^rd wedding anniversary

-          August 31 – my brother Brandon’s 31^st birthday

-          September 4 – my dad’s birthday

-          October: start of a new school year with hopes of being physically present in the classroom

-          December 12: Consecration of Briana

Story Time

                For everyone, this year has brought some new unique challenges. For us here in Rome, March was the start of a lockdown that would dominate just about all of the spring season. As Apostles of the Interior Life, a large part of our life is dedicated to apostolate: our mission of evangelization and offering spiritual formation. Because of the lockdown we had to postpone indefinitely many events that were scheduled to be had in person including a Retreat for Young People at the end of March.

                To talk about these new challenges and how we wanted to live this time of lockdown regarding our mission, which we felt could not be put on hold, we had a meeting quickly after lockdown was announced. In this meeting Catherine mentioned something that, at first, was just a passing thought for most of us: what if we do an online retreat?

                On online retreat…what would that even look like? Is it possible? Our retreats are usually very relational. Welcoming the retreatants when they arrive, sharing meals together, having a recreation evening of games or skits, and just mingling in between moments of prayer are all a very big part of our events. How were we to translate all of this into a virtual experience?

                Clearly we had to consider rearranging certain parts of our normal retreats and even just letting go of others but this idea of an online retreat seemed to appeal to all of us. It also seemed to be exactly what the Lord was asking of us at the moment as well as what many people that we knew – who were now basically home bound – really needed. When we decided to offer this online retreat, we thought we knew what we were getting into and the work that was going to be required of us. Boy were we underestimating the situation! It also must be noted that we aren’t very good at “settling”. We like to dream big and go for the best that we can offer. I would say that this is a good characteristic of the community but obviously has its pros and cons and can sometimes tempt us to pull all-nighters in order to get a website up and running for an online retreat!

Ready to go! Catherine and Kate were our MC's!

                We were right about it being what the people needed – or at least wanted. We had around 270 participants signed up and others trying to sign up after the deadline! The moment we logged into Zoom and saw the participants arriving for the first session was a moment that I will never forget. What a sensation to see the faces (although rather small on the screen) of friends, relatives, and even strangers all present and eager to start this new experience. Our living room was like the set of a daytime talk show: one side had everything organized and camera ready and the other was cluttered with papers, talk outlines, props, computers, and extra cables.

                The theme of the retreat was really rather simple: home. In three moments of meditation we considered the home of the heart/prayer, the home of our family, and the home with others who we normally meet in our everyday life. We were able to be in contact with a priest friend of ours who celebrated the Mass via Zoom (the churches were closed at the time), had moments of group sharing, and even were able play charades for our recreation night!

                At the end of the retreat our bodies were super tired but our hearts so very full of joy and satisfaction. It was truly a community effort as everyone pitched in to make this event – absolutely new to us – not only possible but fruitful! We received really positive feedback and requests for similar events. And so although we have not had the courage to do another full retreat in this way, we have found a new form of living our mission online with live meditations and moments of group sharing via Zoom. It is beautiful to see how the Lord gives us the means to live our mission in all circumstances and this has confirmed for us the importance of our mission and the fact that He is guiding us in it!

Our goodbye to the retreatants!

Where is my heart?

               

                So obviously my heart has been experiencing lots of changes in the recent weeks. From the time we bought our plane tickets to go home we knew things weren’t yet final, and when I returned from my spiritual exercises, just a few days before my scheduled flight, it was clear to us all that it was not the time to make such a trip with the state of things in the US in general and in Texas in particular. Oddly enough, even though I was saddened to not be headed home to my family, I must share that a wave of peace came over me. Once the decision was made and the ticket cancelled I felt like I could relax and just live in the present moment with tranquility and even joy.

                In these days since that decision, I’ve enjoyed time in community and the opportunity to work on some projects that I’ve had on my to-do list for some time now. I feel that the Lord is showing me how I can find a rest similar to what I would usually experience at home even here in Rome without changing location – which is often a huge part of entering into “vacation mode”.

                I hope to answer generously to His call to be present to my other sisters here with me and available to just “waste” time together: something that the rest of the year doesn’t seem to allow much of. I have plans to not have too many plans and just live day by day in the simplicity of everyday life that at this time does not include study or other activities that keep us busy in other moments of the year.

                My heart feels grateful for the gift of His peace and the grace to accept reality as it is, embracing unexpected joys and seizing new opportunities as they come.  

               

Prayer Intentions

-          Please pray for me and my family: that we accept with peace and joy when the Lord will allow us to see each other in person.

-          For Briana in here final months of preparation for her consecration on December 12.

-          For my community of the Apostles of the Interior Life: that the summer meetings being held lead to a fruitful pastoral year in 2020-2021.

-          For the young women in formation (Briana, Catherine, Alexa, Kate, Sarah, and Liz): for each of their individual journeys of formation and particularly for Sarah and Liz who should have been in Rome by now but because of COVID-19 were unable to get a student visa.

-          For two young women who will be volunteering with us this year in the US: that their hearts be open to hearing God’s voice and that He may make it clear to them His will for them.

-          For different parents of our sisters who have been experiencing health issues in the recent months: that if it be God’s will they may experience complete healing and that regardless of the outcome they and their families may live this time with peace and trust in the Lord.

-          For my final year of Theology: that I may always study with those who I will serve in mind and that I may live this final year with joy and gratitude for the great opportunity and privilege that it is to be able to study in this way.

 Other Pictures from the year

First time at the Mass for Consecrated Life
with the Pope as a consecrated woman!

A trip to the theater with Sr. Clara's mom!

A winter trip to l'Aquila during Sarah's visit in Rome

United always in Him,

Sr. Cherise

 

Six months a Bride of Christ

Six months as a consecrated. Six months a Bride of Christ.

I can hardly believe that already half a year has passed since that beautiful day of my consecration. It seems to have gone by so fast and yet it almost seems a lifetime since I entered fully into the union with Christ that I had been so long desiring.

With what ease I transitioned into being completely His. Certainly I am helped by the fact that not so many things about my life exteriorly have changed. I still belong to the same community and live in the same house with the same sisters in the same Eternal City of Rome. I remain a theology student with classes to attend and exams to take. I continue to do daily chores and, as everyone else, am conditioned by what is happening in the world around me – like with the coronavirus for example. 

I don’t deny that change has occurred. I certainly see within myself and the way I live a qualitative shift. I may continue to do many of the same things, but I now do them all as a Bride of Christ. I still wake up and see the same sleepy face in the mirror every morning but now looking back at me is a woman who is consecrated – set apart – for the Lord. Every now and then I find myself playing with the rosary ring that is now being worn on my left ring finger as a sign of this total belonging to Another and the commitment I have made. Sometimes I like to just look at it and smile thinking: wow we really did it. I’m really Yours. And You are really mine.

But what most fills my heart is that which hasn’t changed. Along with those exterior things listed above, I can also add that I still have my same defects, imperfections, tendency towards mistakes and sin. I still struggle with the same temptations and find myself asking for forgiveness for the same things over and over again. One might be tempted to despair at this: shouldn’t I be different, better, now that I am consecrated? Perhaps the answer is “yes”, and I hope that with time I will continue to grow as we all must. But I find most comfort answering with “no”. I don’t have to be different so automatically. Instead, by allowing me to still be me, in every little detail, the Lord continues to assure me that He chose me and not some better version of myself that does not yet exist. 

And in this I find much freedom. In fact I have experienced a real freedom in binding myself so completely to Another. A surrendering has occurred in which I allow myself to be seen as I am, known and chosen as me: nothing more, nothing less. I find that I move with a greater confidence knowing that I am loved by Love Himself and that this can be changed by no one, not even by me. And when I notice my insecurity return or an exaggerated shyness take over me, the Lord has His ways of reminding me of my beauty, goodness, and worth. 

In all this I definitely do not feel excluded from the necessity to grow. With every remembrance of my consecration I am, instead, reminded of my call to be ever more and more one with my Bridegroom and therefore more like Him, more conformed to His will, and more perfectly united to Him in the love we share and the love I show my brothers and sisters. For this reason, I find it very fitting that this “six month-iversary” occurs on the day that the Church celebrates the Solemnity of the Holy Trinity. In our one true God there are three Persons distinct and yet united so totally in their love. 

So today I implore your prayers for me: that my life as a Bride of Christ may be one lived in the total freedom of the knowledge of who I am and who He is, bound by a love that grows each day in His grace. 

"Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes, Yes Lord. Amen!"

“Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes, Yes Lord. Amen!”

Reflecting on today’s Solemnity of the Annunciation, this line from the popular 2002 worship song by Darnell Evans, Trading My Sorrows, came to mind.

One of the principal themes of this page of Luke’s Gospel is that of Mary’s “yes”.

Mary’s “yes” has always been a jaw-dropper, the surprise ending to a passage saturated with divine intervention, the awe-inspiring and yet intimidating model of what our response to God is called to be. It has been described as total, perfect, simple, and…all-encompassing.

The “all-encompassing” part is the hardest part for me to get my mind around. Is a teenage girl really able to say “yes” to all life will bring upon her when she is yet at its earliest beginnings? Was Mary’s “yes” a “yes” well-informed of what lay ahead? Could she have possibly foreseen the suffering beyond that of her already difficult situation of being found with child before her marriage to Joseph?

I think Italian slang has the best answer to these questions: ni (no and si).

Mary is human, just like us. She was conceived without original sin, she was full of grace, but she’s human. And so I find it hard to believe that she could have had full knowledge of all that was to come; that her “yes” would have extended all the way to the pain of the cross and the joy of the Resurrection.

But yet, even without knowing the details, she did say “yes” to it all. How?

I think the question is not so much WHAT she said “yes” to but WHO she said “yes” to. She might not have known all but her knowledge certainly was not lacking when she gave her famous fiat that changed the course of history.

What did Mary know when she said “yes”? Her parents, St. Joachim and St. Anne, practicing Jews, would have most certainly taught her much about her people’s history. She would have known well the story of salvation up until that point: creation, the fall, years of exile and miraculous interventions engineered by the one true God, the Holy One of Israel. She would have learned about and learned to desire the coming of the long awaited Messiah. But even this is not yet enough. Mary’s knowledge of God would not have been only “textbook knowledge”. Her knowledge of Him was experiential, relational, and intimate. She was not only familiar with His faithfulness to her people but also to her. His love was not a general love spread out among many, but an intentional and personal love uniquely for her. The God Mary knew was not distant but close, deep within, and she was all too familiar with the sound of His voice, the sensation of His presence, the warmth of His gaze.

It is in the context of this loving relationship, with the fresh memory of lived experience, and because of past concrete life events that Mary says her “yes”. She knows well the One who calls her. She trusts Him completely, and she remembers that He is good to His promises.

Her “yes” does not directly address the future events of her life. It would be too little to give oneself for a mere single event of an existence destined to endure an eternity. No, she chooses, indeed she must and can only give herself so completely to the One who is eternity itself. And so she makes her “yes”. She courageously and confidently utters those few, simple words loaded with a meaning that will forever determine her existence and the existence of the whole world: Behold I am the handmaid of the Lord. Be it done unto me according to your word.

In one instant she embraces her Creator, flinging herself head long into His wide outstretched arms and along with Him she embraces all that is to come. She knows she will never understand the course of future events, why she will have to endure what she will, but she knows that if He allows it, He can bring good from it, and that is enough for her. She asks no questions and makes no requests. She simply makes herself available; she opens wide the doors of her heart and, quite literally, makes of herself a dwelling place of the Lord.

And so, just like in Darnell Evans’ famous record that most all of us have sung and dance to at some point in our lives, Mary’s “yes” is eager, enthusiastic, and almost exaggerated: Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes, Yes Lord. Amen!

On this holy day in which we remember her “yes” let us ask Mary’s intercession in our own “yes”. That we may not merely say “yes” to a situation but rather to the God of all situations. May our trust in Him and love for Him grow each day until all we seek is to do His will and be in His presence. 

"...Yes, Yes  Lord. Amen!"

Lockdown: a new found freedom?

I’ve lived in Rome for almost four years now and I’ve never seen it so…still. Places which are normally overflowing with people (like the Trevi Fountain or St. Peter’s Square) are almost completely deserted. The noise of traffic has died down to an occasional hum and the number of street conversations heard from our window has greatly decreased.

Masses are being celebrated behind closed doors but the church bells still ring, reminding us of the Sacrifice being offered. Since “lockdown” began the general public can no longer participate physically but their spiritual union in this offering is more encouraged now than ever.

What we have in the coronavirus is a common enemy. People are scared, and it is understandable. Every time the government issues a new statement we hold our breath to see what now will be taken from us. Our freedom feels more and more restricted and our control all but gone…and then we begin to realize that what’s been taken is a false control that never really was and, accepting this, we find ourselves freer than ever before.

The human person has always had a precarious existence. To think we can truly control what happens in our life is an illusion. We certainly have our role to play, and our decisions are very important in determining many outcomes in our life. However, so many factors remain outside of our jurisdiction. Let’s consider a very simple example. You organize your morning routine so that everything is calculated to the exact minute. You do everything according to plan and are maybe even a tad early…but the bus is running late and you still don’t make it to work on time.

What this pandemic has done is reveal to us in a more obvious way our lack of control. And this for us is a blessing. Believe it or not, “being in control” (or rather feeling in control) is a form of enslavement. When I feel in control, everything depends on me. My every action is weighted with responsibility beyond my capability. This weight translates into stress, anxiety, pressure, exaggerated expectation, disappointment, and fear. I’m afraid to make a mistake because, if so, all will be lost.

God doesn’t want us to live under this weight of false responsibility. He wants to free us through our dependence on Him. God wants us to recognize that He is in control, that He is handling it, that He has thought it all through and knows what He is doing. He wants us to see Him as the Loving Father that He is, worthy of our trust, and true to His promises. And He invites us, His children, into a full participation of this plan. Therefore, He has gifted us with our free will allowing us to participate without assuming the heavy load of He who engineered the plan. In this way our responsibility truly becomes a response to the Father’s gift of life.

Our freedom then comes through trust in God; trust in His overall plan; trust that it is enough for us to carry out the part entrusted to us without having to bear the burden of the whole. It is this trust that sets us free.

When I am afraid and feel at peace: that’s freedom. When in the midst of sorrow and I can still hope: that’s freedom. When cast down in disappointment and I can still trust: that’s freedom. When thrust into despair and I still have faith: that’s freedom. When encountered with evil and I can still believe in goodness: that’s freedom. When suffering and I still know I’ve been saved: that’s freedom.

I do not believe that God “sent” us the coronavirus. I do not believe it is a punishment that should make us turn to Him. I do believe that God uses all things; that He can bring good even out of the bad that the coronavirus has brought into the world. I also believe that all events in our lives can lead to conversion and so, yes, we are called to convert also during this world crisis – I know I am! We are invited into a greater trust in God and a greater unity among us. In this historic moment we are men and women with a common enemy, but before this and for long after, we remain brothers and sisters with a common Father...and here lies our truest freedom!

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. 

Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. 

Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses 

as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.

Behind the Liturgy: The Graces

Ten days ago I consecrated myself totally and definitively to God as an Apostle of the Interior Life…and I am still smiling uncontrollably because of it. My heart is overflowing with joy that I can’t seem to hide, and it is only multiplied by the shared joy of others. But one thing I can’t seem to do too well is individualize each grace: there are far too many.

In the Gospel of John, the Beloved Disciple writes: “from His fullness we have all received grace upon grace” (Jn 1:16). What a beautiful way to describe my current experience. Grace upon grace…one grace after another…graces so close together that they become impossible to distinguish from each other. From His fullness: God lacks nothing, there is no emptiness in Him, and it is from that wholeness that He lavishes us with these graces, each one as full as the whole.

A day of one’s formal “yes” to their Vocation – be it consecrated life, priesthood, or marriage – is a particular day of grace. I would even venture to say that perhaps there is no time more grace-filled. Certainly, these graces continue to flow as we live out the call we received in Baptism and hopefully add to the totality of that “yes” with every new day…but on the day of that initial “yes” I do believe there is a special grace, a special gaze from the Father upon us.

But what do we do when the graces are so rich and so plentiful that we can hardly give them a name? (What a great problem to have huh?). As in many things, I find my response in the example of Mary. In the second chapter of Luke’s Gospel, our author tells us that “Mary kept all of these things, pondering them in her heart” (Lk 2:19). Mary kept all of these things: she cherished them, preserved them in their freshness, nourished them and kept them alive. Pondering them in her heart: Not in her mind but in her heart where she could simply be and share them with the King of her heart, Jesus.

This is the Lord’s invitation to me at this time. As I settle back into daily life in Rome: studies, house chores, community life, apostolate…I feel called to continue to sit in wonder at what the Holy Spirit has done in me with my few words and the offering of my little and fragile heart. Externally so much has remained the same and yet everything is different now. I may do the same actions as before but today, and from now on, I do them as a consecrated woman, as someone who has made of their whole person – mind, body, heart, and soul – a definitive gift to God.
So what are some of the graces that I have been keeping in my heart?

As already mentioned, I am finding much difficulty in directly naming each grace. Some were clearer than others but most seem to come as a package deal and smoothly blend into the rest. Here is an example of how some of the biggest graces I received are still intimately connected with each other…

One of my prayers since the beginning of my preparation was to arrive before the altar as aware as possible of the gift I was making of myself and of the gift I was receiving in my consecration. The morning of my consecration, but also the days leading up to it, there was a concrete certainty in me of what I was doing in each moment. I don’t know how to explain it – a typical trait of God’s graces – but I just knew with every step what I was doing and what my purpose was. A Scripture verse from one of the weekday’s First Readings stood out to me at this regard: A nation of firm purpose you keep in peace o Lord; in peace for its trust in you (Is 26:2-3).

And this leads into my next two graces: peace and joy. People kept asking me “are you ready?” or “how do you feel?” My response was usually a mixture of smiles, nods, and meek “yes’s”. Was I ready because of my own doing? Probably not. I mean I had years of a formative journey to prepare me but we all know that formation in its true sense is a life-long experience. My “readiness” – if we want to call it that – was not due to me but to Him. I was ready because I knew Him to be good to His promises and faithful to those who seek to love Him. I knew that His heart woul

d be a refuge and fruitful dwelling place in which to place my own. I would no longer need to be nervous or worry about my good. After all, my experience tells me that the Lord has always been good to me.

Even Bishop David Konderla spoke about joy in his homily.

This foundation of peace and calm freed my heart to experience and express openly a deep and childlike joy. I would consider myself a typically happy, smiley person who loves to laugh and look for the bright side of things but this kind of joy was new to me. I mean, it was familiar; I still felt authentically myself, but everything was enhanced and, in many ways, even more natural.

This joy seemed to be contagious and before long I found myself surrounded by smiles, laughter, and people just happily being themselves, which brings me to the final grace in this example’s chain of graces. Another prayer of mine in these recent weeks of preparation was that the day of my consecration, and in particular the Mass, would be a time of rejoicing together with all who were present physically and spiritually. I wanted everyone to not just witness my joy but to experience it uniquely and personally for themselves.

My first community photo as a consecrated member

of the Apostles of the Interior Life

But what does it look like for me to keep these many graces in my heart and ponder them there with Jesus?

Being an experience of intimacy and personal prayer, I imagine that this looks different for everyone. For me, the first important step is to make sure the motion is headed towards my heart and not my mind. I don’t feel that it is the time to really think, analyze, or come to conclusions. Instead I feel that it is a time of wonder, awe, integration, and rest.

Not too long ago I asked Jesus in prayer: “What do You desire?” It’s a beautiful question that I encourage you all to pose to Him sometime. In that particular prayer He responded like this: “I just want to be with you.” I understood then that I had been lately distracted by many preparations for my consecration – both practical and spiritual. Jesus was happy to be involved but since I asked, He wanted me to know that He didn’t want to just be the soundboard off of which I bounced my many ideas and project deadlines. He wanted to be with me just as I was which meant in my anxiety, in my excitement, in my creativity, in my being overwhelmed, in my tiredness…He didn’t only want to hear about it (that too) but He wanted to be invited into the experience of it.

And so it is now. Often I find myself sitting in prayer just being aware of the movements of my heart: of its joy, excitement, enthusiasm, marvel; perhaps also of the things that had gone differently than I had hoped. But instead of outright thinking about them (obviously my mind is involved) I find that I allow myself to just experience what my heart does. And in all of this, I remain aware of Jesus’s presence. I relate to Him what I feel, desire, perceive, hope, rejoice in… I just bask in knowing that He is there with me and that this makes Him very happy.

Now, it is certainly not a perfect prayer. Like always distractions seep in and my mind tries to take control and analyze things but my desire to just be remains. And, as my spiritual director once told me, “love grows with small acts of faithfulness.” I trust that the movement from distraction back to being present to the Lord in prayer is a very concrete small act of faithfulness, and boy do I get to make a lot of those!

I invite you to take to prayer these two Bible verses: “In His fullness we have received grace upon grace” and “Mary kept all these things, pondering them in her heart.” What do they mean to you? What graces have you recently experienced that you could share with Jesus? It’s true that these past weeks’ events have given me a particular opportunity to receive God’s grace but no day is without His goodness and we all have graces to thank Him for. I encourage you to recognize yours (whether you can name it or not) and thank Him today by just sitting for a moment in silence and sharing it with Him.

"My desire is simple. I just want to be His." And now I am!!

Behind the Liturgy: The Music

Music is one of the most powerful means of communication. It communicates various emotions straight to the heart: joy, excitement, fear, sadness, enthusiasm, wonder, praise… Music can even make us move without our awareness. How often have you caught yourself swaying or your foot tapping without having deliberately chosen to do so but because you were literally moved by the music? Or how often have you vividly relived a very specific memory and all of the emotions connected to it just by hearing the beginning few notes of a song? These are just small examples of how powerful music really is to everyone.  

On a personal level music has always been an important part of my life. Not necessarily for the activities in which I’ve been involved (although I did play the alto sax in Jr. High Band and have loved singing since I was a little girl), but because of its ability to accompany me in a moment, to change my mood from just okay to joyful, and to help me express myself in prayer. My parents tell me that at 15 months I was singing “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”, and one of my favorite ever received Christmas gifts from Santa was my very own karaoke machine. Since entering community I’ve discovered the gift of being able to guide others in a moment of prayer through song and have continued to realize how important a form of praise music is for me in my own personal prayer. 

Music is also very important in the Mass. When accompanying signs, symbols, readings, and realities, music has the power to help orient us to understand the message, the tone, and the theme of the day and the liturgical season. For this reason song choice really is not at all irrelevant to the overall experience of the Mass. We can see this very obviously at a time like Christmas when almost all of the songs have a joyous melody and lyrics that speak about the “New born Savior” and the “long awaited King”. These hymns, often familiar to us, help us more immediately enter into the right mood for the celebration of the birth of Jesus.

So with all of this in mind, I was not indifferent to the song selection of the Mass of my consecration. In fact, I prayed for months about what songs should accompany what moments. Not only did I want songs that I loved but also songs that could help to create an atmosphere that favored the full participation of all present. One of my greatest desires for this day is to provide the possibility for all to truly enter into the Mass and meet Jesus there. 

So with that said, here is my song line-up, why I picked each one, and what I hope it helps us to experience…

Opening Hymn: Praise to the Lord

The opening hymn has the important job of starting off the Mass and really setting the tone. It is the song that accompanies the entrance of Christ into the sanctuary. Christ is represented by the celebrant of the Mass (in this case the Bishop) as well as by the book of the Word of God which is usually brought in during the opening procession. Therefore this song aims to be joyful and full of praise as we all stand to welcome our beloved Lord who has called us to His banquet! 

Offertory Hymn: The King of Love My Shepherd Is

The offertory hymn is sung while the gifts of bread and wine are being brought to the altar. It is also the transition between the two main parts of the Mass: the Liturgy of the Word and the Liturgy of the Eucharist. I chose the King of Love my Shepherd Is first of all because it is one of my most favorite hymns. It has a sweet melody and its lyrics come from one of the most beloved psalms of all time: Psalm 23. Secondly, the words speak of trust in the provision of the Lord, our Good Shepherd, who sets a table before us and fills our cup to overflowing. These all seemed to me to be appropriate themes for an assembly who is about to take part in the Eucharistic Feast. 

Communion Hymns: Jesus My Lord My God My All; Eat this Bread

As implied by its name, the communion hymn serves to accompany the faithful in their receiving of Christ’s Body and Blood. Often these hymns either recall a theme in the readings or speak to the great and mysterious gift of the Eucharist. I chose two hymns that I believe are both beautiful and helpful in living this most important moment of the Mass. The first (Jesus My Lord My God My All) is a prayer to Jesus in the Eucharist asking for the grace to love Him “as we ought.” The second (Eat this Bread), quotes different scripture passages in which Jesus Himself speaks about His Body and Blood offered to us as our food. 

Thanksgiving after Communion Hymn: Behold

Thanksgiving after Communion is a very important practice for my community. In fact, part of our daily prayer is to remain at least 10 minutes after we have received Jesus to really make communion with Him. We often explain this practice with an analogy of a long awaited friend who has finally entered into your home. When he arrives you don’t just sit him on the couch and then run off to do other things. No, you stay and chat a while, enjoying his presence. And so with Jesus who comes to us so intimately in the moment of communion. To accompany us in this moment I chose the song “Behold” which puts Mary’s Magnificat into song. I like this version because of the way that it sings directly to the Lord: “And Holy is YOUR Name.” I hope that all present can truly make Mary’s words their own and sing to God with Mary’s same wonder and awe at His greatness. 

Closing Hymn: Love Divine All Loves Excelling

The closing hymn is one of triumph and praise. The Mass has ended. We have received the Bread of Life; and now we are called to go forth with Him to share this joy with all we meet. Again, I chose a song that can bring us to our feet and help us marvel at the Lord’s great and merciful love for us.

In this post I only wrote about the main hymns of the Mass. I’ll leave the rest as a surprise! For those who will be attending my consecration, I offer you the friendly challenge of allowing yourself to be moved by the music, to feel with the music, and to enter into the music that accompanies each moment…and please, sing along!

I also want to shout out a couple of thanks to some very special people. Mike and Laurita (Music Director and Assistant Music Director at St. Mary's) who enthusiastically helped me with song selection and have been very available to listen to my desires and help me find the best way to fulfill them. I also thank in advance the St. Mary's Student Choir who I know will so beautifully bring to life these very songs and do their part in helping the music lead us to a more full experience of the Mass. 

"The aim and final end of all music should be none other 

than the glory of God and the refreshment of the soul." 

- Johann Sebastian Bach