Six months a Bride of Christ

Six months as a consecrated. Six months a Bride of Christ.

I can hardly believe that already half a year has passed since that beautiful day of my consecration. It seems to have gone by so fast and yet it almost seems a lifetime since I entered fully into the union with Christ that I had been so long desiring.

With what ease I transitioned into being completely His. Certainly I am helped by the fact that not so many things about my life exteriorly have changed. I still belong to the same community and live in the same house with the same sisters in the same Eternal City of Rome. I remain a theology student with classes to attend and exams to take. I continue to do daily chores and, as everyone else, am conditioned by what is happening in the world around me – like with the coronavirus for example. 

I don’t deny that change has occurred. I certainly see within myself and the way I live a qualitative shift. I may continue to do many of the same things, but I now do them all as a Bride of Christ. I still wake up and see the same sleepy face in the mirror every morning but now looking back at me is a woman who is consecrated – set apart – for the Lord. Every now and then I find myself playing with the rosary ring that is now being worn on my left ring finger as a sign of this total belonging to Another and the commitment I have made. Sometimes I like to just look at it and smile thinking: wow we really did it. I’m really Yours. And You are really mine.

But what most fills my heart is that which hasn’t changed. Along with those exterior things listed above, I can also add that I still have my same defects, imperfections, tendency towards mistakes and sin. I still struggle with the same temptations and find myself asking for forgiveness for the same things over and over again. One might be tempted to despair at this: shouldn’t I be different, better, now that I am consecrated? Perhaps the answer is “yes”, and I hope that with time I will continue to grow as we all must. But I find most comfort answering with “no”. I don’t have to be different so automatically. Instead, by allowing me to still be me, in every little detail, the Lord continues to assure me that He chose me and not some better version of myself that does not yet exist. 

And in this I find much freedom. In fact I have experienced a real freedom in binding myself so completely to Another. A surrendering has occurred in which I allow myself to be seen as I am, known and chosen as me: nothing more, nothing less. I find that I move with a greater confidence knowing that I am loved by Love Himself and that this can be changed by no one, not even by me. And when I notice my insecurity return or an exaggerated shyness take over me, the Lord has His ways of reminding me of my beauty, goodness, and worth. 

In all this I definitely do not feel excluded from the necessity to grow. With every remembrance of my consecration I am, instead, reminded of my call to be ever more and more one with my Bridegroom and therefore more like Him, more conformed to His will, and more perfectly united to Him in the love we share and the love I show my brothers and sisters. For this reason, I find it very fitting that this “six month-iversary” occurs on the day that the Church celebrates the Solemnity of the Holy Trinity. In our one true God there are three Persons distinct and yet united so totally in their love. 

So today I implore your prayers for me: that my life as a Bride of Christ may be one lived in the total freedom of the knowledge of who I am and who He is, bound by a love that grows each day in His grace. 

"Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes, Yes Lord. Amen!"

“Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes, Yes Lord. Amen!”

Reflecting on today’s Solemnity of the Annunciation, this line from the popular 2002 worship song by Darnell Evans, Trading My Sorrows, came to mind.

One of the principal themes of this page of Luke’s Gospel is that of Mary’s “yes”.

Mary’s “yes” has always been a jaw-dropper, the surprise ending to a passage saturated with divine intervention, the awe-inspiring and yet intimidating model of what our response to God is called to be. It has been described as total, perfect, simple, and…all-encompassing.

The “all-encompassing” part is the hardest part for me to get my mind around. Is a teenage girl really able to say “yes” to all life will bring upon her when she is yet at its earliest beginnings? Was Mary’s “yes” a “yes” well-informed of what lay ahead? Could she have possibly foreseen the suffering beyond that of her already difficult situation of being found with child before her marriage to Joseph?

I think Italian slang has the best answer to these questions: ni (no and si).

Mary is human, just like us. She was conceived without original sin, she was full of grace, but she’s human. And so I find it hard to believe that she could have had full knowledge of all that was to come; that her “yes” would have extended all the way to the pain of the cross and the joy of the Resurrection.

But yet, even without knowing the details, she did say “yes” to it all. How?

I think the question is not so much WHAT she said “yes” to but WHO she said “yes” to. She might not have known all but her knowledge certainly was not lacking when she gave her famous fiat that changed the course of history.

What did Mary know when she said “yes”? Her parents, St. Joachim and St. Anne, practicing Jews, would have most certainly taught her much about her people’s history. She would have known well the story of salvation up until that point: creation, the fall, years of exile and miraculous interventions engineered by the one true God, the Holy One of Israel. She would have learned about and learned to desire the coming of the long awaited Messiah. But even this is not yet enough. Mary’s knowledge of God would not have been only “textbook knowledge”. Her knowledge of Him was experiential, relational, and intimate. She was not only familiar with His faithfulness to her people but also to her. His love was not a general love spread out among many, but an intentional and personal love uniquely for her. The God Mary knew was not distant but close, deep within, and she was all too familiar with the sound of His voice, the sensation of His presence, the warmth of His gaze.

It is in the context of this loving relationship, with the fresh memory of lived experience, and because of past concrete life events that Mary says her “yes”. She knows well the One who calls her. She trusts Him completely, and she remembers that He is good to His promises.

Her “yes” does not directly address the future events of her life. It would be too little to give oneself for a mere single event of an existence destined to endure an eternity. No, she chooses, indeed she must and can only give herself so completely to the One who is eternity itself. And so she makes her “yes”. She courageously and confidently utters those few, simple words loaded with a meaning that will forever determine her existence and the existence of the whole world: Behold I am the handmaid of the Lord. Be it done unto me according to your word.

In one instant she embraces her Creator, flinging herself head long into His wide outstretched arms and along with Him she embraces all that is to come. She knows she will never understand the course of future events, why she will have to endure what she will, but she knows that if He allows it, He can bring good from it, and that is enough for her. She asks no questions and makes no requests. She simply makes herself available; she opens wide the doors of her heart and, quite literally, makes of herself a dwelling place of the Lord.

And so, just like in Darnell Evans’ famous record that most all of us have sung and dance to at some point in our lives, Mary’s “yes” is eager, enthusiastic, and almost exaggerated: Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes, Yes Lord. Amen!

On this holy day in which we remember her “yes” let us ask Mary’s intercession in our own “yes”. That we may not merely say “yes” to a situation but rather to the God of all situations. May our trust in Him and love for Him grow each day until all we seek is to do His will and be in His presence. 

"...Yes, Yes  Lord. Amen!"

Lockdown: a new found freedom?

I’ve lived in Rome for almost four years now and I’ve never seen it so…still. Places which are normally overflowing with people (like the Trevi Fountain or St. Peter’s Square) are almost completely deserted. The noise of traffic has died down to an occasional hum and the number of street conversations heard from our window has greatly decreased.

Masses are being celebrated behind closed doors but the church bells still ring, reminding us of the Sacrifice being offered. Since “lockdown” began the general public can no longer participate physically but their spiritual union in this offering is more encouraged now than ever.

What we have in the coronavirus is a common enemy. People are scared, and it is understandable. Every time the government issues a new statement we hold our breath to see what now will be taken from us. Our freedom feels more and more restricted and our control all but gone…and then we begin to realize that what’s been taken is a false control that never really was and, accepting this, we find ourselves freer than ever before.

The human person has always had a precarious existence. To think we can truly control what happens in our life is an illusion. We certainly have our role to play, and our decisions are very important in determining many outcomes in our life. However, so many factors remain outside of our jurisdiction. Let’s consider a very simple example. You organize your morning routine so that everything is calculated to the exact minute. You do everything according to plan and are maybe even a tad early…but the bus is running late and you still don’t make it to work on time.

What this pandemic has done is reveal to us in a more obvious way our lack of control. And this for us is a blessing. Believe it or not, “being in control” (or rather feeling in control) is a form of enslavement. When I feel in control, everything depends on me. My every action is weighted with responsibility beyond my capability. This weight translates into stress, anxiety, pressure, exaggerated expectation, disappointment, and fear. I’m afraid to make a mistake because, if so, all will be lost.

God doesn’t want us to live under this weight of false responsibility. He wants to free us through our dependence on Him. God wants us to recognize that He is in control, that He is handling it, that He has thought it all through and knows what He is doing. He wants us to see Him as the Loving Father that He is, worthy of our trust, and true to His promises. And He invites us, His children, into a full participation of this plan. Therefore, He has gifted us with our free will allowing us to participate without assuming the heavy load of He who engineered the plan. In this way our responsibility truly becomes a response to the Father’s gift of life.

Our freedom then comes through trust in God; trust in His overall plan; trust that it is enough for us to carry out the part entrusted to us without having to bear the burden of the whole. It is this trust that sets us free.

When I am afraid and feel at peace: that’s freedom. When in the midst of sorrow and I can still hope: that’s freedom. When cast down in disappointment and I can still trust: that’s freedom. When thrust into despair and I still have faith: that’s freedom. When encountered with evil and I can still believe in goodness: that’s freedom. When suffering and I still know I’ve been saved: that’s freedom.

I do not believe that God “sent” us the coronavirus. I do not believe it is a punishment that should make us turn to Him. I do believe that God uses all things; that He can bring good even out of the bad that the coronavirus has brought into the world. I also believe that all events in our lives can lead to conversion and so, yes, we are called to convert also during this world crisis – I know I am! We are invited into a greater trust in God and a greater unity among us. In this historic moment we are men and women with a common enemy, but before this and for long after, we remain brothers and sisters with a common Father...and here lies our truest freedom!

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. 

Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. 

Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses 

as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.

Behind the Liturgy: The Graces

Ten days ago I consecrated myself totally and definitively to God as an Apostle of the Interior Life…and I am still smiling uncontrollably because of it. My heart is overflowing with joy that I can’t seem to hide, and it is only multiplied by the shared joy of others. But one thing I can’t seem to do too well is individualize each grace: there are far too many.

In the Gospel of John, the Beloved Disciple writes: “from His fullness we have all received grace upon grace” (Jn 1:16). What a beautiful way to describe my current experience. Grace upon grace…one grace after another…graces so close together that they become impossible to distinguish from each other. From His fullness: God lacks nothing, there is no emptiness in Him, and it is from that wholeness that He lavishes us with these graces, each one as full as the whole.

A day of one’s formal “yes” to their Vocation – be it consecrated life, priesthood, or marriage – is a particular day of grace. I would even venture to say that perhaps there is no time more grace-filled. Certainly, these graces continue to flow as we live out the call we received in Baptism and hopefully add to the totality of that “yes” with every new day…but on the day of that initial “yes” I do believe there is a special grace, a special gaze from the Father upon us.

But what do we do when the graces are so rich and so plentiful that we can hardly give them a name? (What a great problem to have huh?). As in many things, I find my response in the example of Mary. In the second chapter of Luke’s Gospel, our author tells us that “Mary kept all of these things, pondering them in her heart” (Lk 2:19). Mary kept all of these things: she cherished them, preserved them in their freshness, nourished them and kept them alive. Pondering them in her heart: Not in her mind but in her heart where she could simply be and share them with the King of her heart, Jesus.

This is the Lord’s invitation to me at this time. As I settle back into daily life in Rome: studies, house chores, community life, apostolate…I feel called to continue to sit in wonder at what the Holy Spirit has done in me with my few words and the offering of my little and fragile heart. Externally so much has remained the same and yet everything is different now. I may do the same actions as before but today, and from now on, I do them as a consecrated woman, as someone who has made of their whole person – mind, body, heart, and soul – a definitive gift to God.
So what are some of the graces that I have been keeping in my heart?

As already mentioned, I am finding much difficulty in directly naming each grace. Some were clearer than others but most seem to come as a package deal and smoothly blend into the rest. Here is an example of how some of the biggest graces I received are still intimately connected with each other…

One of my prayers since the beginning of my preparation was to arrive before the altar as aware as possible of the gift I was making of myself and of the gift I was receiving in my consecration. The morning of my consecration, but also the days leading up to it, there was a concrete certainty in me of what I was doing in each moment. I don’t know how to explain it – a typical trait of God’s graces – but I just knew with every step what I was doing and what my purpose was. A Scripture verse from one of the weekday’s First Readings stood out to me at this regard: A nation of firm purpose you keep in peace o Lord; in peace for its trust in you (Is 26:2-3).

And this leads into my next two graces: peace and joy. People kept asking me “are you ready?” or “how do you feel?” My response was usually a mixture of smiles, nods, and meek “yes’s”. Was I ready because of my own doing? Probably not. I mean I had years of a formative journey to prepare me but we all know that formation in its true sense is a life-long experience. My “readiness” – if we want to call it that – was not due to me but to Him. I was ready because I knew Him to be good to His promises and faithful to those who seek to love Him. I knew that His heart woul

d be a refuge and fruitful dwelling place in which to place my own. I would no longer need to be nervous or worry about my good. After all, my experience tells me that the Lord has always been good to me.

Even Bishop David Konderla spoke about joy in his homily.

This foundation of peace and calm freed my heart to experience and express openly a deep and childlike joy. I would consider myself a typically happy, smiley person who loves to laugh and look for the bright side of things but this kind of joy was new to me. I mean, it was familiar; I still felt authentically myself, but everything was enhanced and, in many ways, even more natural.

This joy seemed to be contagious and before long I found myself surrounded by smiles, laughter, and people just happily being themselves, which brings me to the final grace in this example’s chain of graces. Another prayer of mine in these recent weeks of preparation was that the day of my consecration, and in particular the Mass, would be a time of rejoicing together with all who were present physically and spiritually. I wanted everyone to not just witness my joy but to experience it uniquely and personally for themselves.

My first community photo as a consecrated member

of the Apostles of the Interior Life

But what does it look like for me to keep these many graces in my heart and ponder them there with Jesus?

Being an experience of intimacy and personal prayer, I imagine that this looks different for everyone. For me, the first important step is to make sure the motion is headed towards my heart and not my mind. I don’t feel that it is the time to really think, analyze, or come to conclusions. Instead I feel that it is a time of wonder, awe, integration, and rest.

Not too long ago I asked Jesus in prayer: “What do You desire?” It’s a beautiful question that I encourage you all to pose to Him sometime. In that particular prayer He responded like this: “I just want to be with you.” I understood then that I had been lately distracted by many preparations for my consecration – both practical and spiritual. Jesus was happy to be involved but since I asked, He wanted me to know that He didn’t want to just be the soundboard off of which I bounced my many ideas and project deadlines. He wanted to be with me just as I was which meant in my anxiety, in my excitement, in my creativity, in my being overwhelmed, in my tiredness…He didn’t only want to hear about it (that too) but He wanted to be invited into the experience of it.

And so it is now. Often I find myself sitting in prayer just being aware of the movements of my heart: of its joy, excitement, enthusiasm, marvel; perhaps also of the things that had gone differently than I had hoped. But instead of outright thinking about them (obviously my mind is involved) I find that I allow myself to just experience what my heart does. And in all of this, I remain aware of Jesus’s presence. I relate to Him what I feel, desire, perceive, hope, rejoice in… I just bask in knowing that He is there with me and that this makes Him very happy.

Now, it is certainly not a perfect prayer. Like always distractions seep in and my mind tries to take control and analyze things but my desire to just be remains. And, as my spiritual director once told me, “love grows with small acts of faithfulness.” I trust that the movement from distraction back to being present to the Lord in prayer is a very concrete small act of faithfulness, and boy do I get to make a lot of those!

I invite you to take to prayer these two Bible verses: “In His fullness we have received grace upon grace” and “Mary kept all these things, pondering them in her heart.” What do they mean to you? What graces have you recently experienced that you could share with Jesus? It’s true that these past weeks’ events have given me a particular opportunity to receive God’s grace but no day is without His goodness and we all have graces to thank Him for. I encourage you to recognize yours (whether you can name it or not) and thank Him today by just sitting for a moment in silence and sharing it with Him.

"My desire is simple. I just want to be His." And now I am!!

Behind the Liturgy: The Music

Music is one of the most powerful means of communication. It communicates various emotions straight to the heart: joy, excitement, fear, sadness, enthusiasm, wonder, praise… Music can even make us move without our awareness. How often have you caught yourself swaying or your foot tapping without having deliberately chosen to do so but because you were literally moved by the music? Or how often have you vividly relived a very specific memory and all of the emotions connected to it just by hearing the beginning few notes of a song? These are just small examples of how powerful music really is to everyone.  

On a personal level music has always been an important part of my life. Not necessarily for the activities in which I’ve been involved (although I did play the alto sax in Jr. High Band and have loved singing since I was a little girl), but because of its ability to accompany me in a moment, to change my mood from just okay to joyful, and to help me express myself in prayer. My parents tell me that at 15 months I was singing “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”, and one of my favorite ever received Christmas gifts from Santa was my very own karaoke machine. Since entering community I’ve discovered the gift of being able to guide others in a moment of prayer through song and have continued to realize how important a form of praise music is for me in my own personal prayer. 

Music is also very important in the Mass. When accompanying signs, symbols, readings, and realities, music has the power to help orient us to understand the message, the tone, and the theme of the day and the liturgical season. For this reason song choice really is not at all irrelevant to the overall experience of the Mass. We can see this very obviously at a time like Christmas when almost all of the songs have a joyous melody and lyrics that speak about the “New born Savior” and the “long awaited King”. These hymns, often familiar to us, help us more immediately enter into the right mood for the celebration of the birth of Jesus.

So with all of this in mind, I was not indifferent to the song selection of the Mass of my consecration. In fact, I prayed for months about what songs should accompany what moments. Not only did I want songs that I loved but also songs that could help to create an atmosphere that favored the full participation of all present. One of my greatest desires for this day is to provide the possibility for all to truly enter into the Mass and meet Jesus there. 

So with that said, here is my song line-up, why I picked each one, and what I hope it helps us to experience…

Opening Hymn: Praise to the Lord

The opening hymn has the important job of starting off the Mass and really setting the tone. It is the song that accompanies the entrance of Christ into the sanctuary. Christ is represented by the celebrant of the Mass (in this case the Bishop) as well as by the book of the Word of God which is usually brought in during the opening procession. Therefore this song aims to be joyful and full of praise as we all stand to welcome our beloved Lord who has called us to His banquet! 

Offertory Hymn: The King of Love My Shepherd Is

The offertory hymn is sung while the gifts of bread and wine are being brought to the altar. It is also the transition between the two main parts of the Mass: the Liturgy of the Word and the Liturgy of the Eucharist. I chose the King of Love my Shepherd Is first of all because it is one of my most favorite hymns. It has a sweet melody and its lyrics come from one of the most beloved psalms of all time: Psalm 23. Secondly, the words speak of trust in the provision of the Lord, our Good Shepherd, who sets a table before us and fills our cup to overflowing. These all seemed to me to be appropriate themes for an assembly who is about to take part in the Eucharistic Feast. 

Communion Hymns: Jesus My Lord My God My All; Eat this Bread

As implied by its name, the communion hymn serves to accompany the faithful in their receiving of Christ’s Body and Blood. Often these hymns either recall a theme in the readings or speak to the great and mysterious gift of the Eucharist. I chose two hymns that I believe are both beautiful and helpful in living this most important moment of the Mass. The first (Jesus My Lord My God My All) is a prayer to Jesus in the Eucharist asking for the grace to love Him “as we ought.” The second (Eat this Bread), quotes different scripture passages in which Jesus Himself speaks about His Body and Blood offered to us as our food. 

Thanksgiving after Communion Hymn: Behold

Thanksgiving after Communion is a very important practice for my community. In fact, part of our daily prayer is to remain at least 10 minutes after we have received Jesus to really make communion with Him. We often explain this practice with an analogy of a long awaited friend who has finally entered into your home. When he arrives you don’t just sit him on the couch and then run off to do other things. No, you stay and chat a while, enjoying his presence. And so with Jesus who comes to us so intimately in the moment of communion. To accompany us in this moment I chose the song “Behold” which puts Mary’s Magnificat into song. I like this version because of the way that it sings directly to the Lord: “And Holy is YOUR Name.” I hope that all present can truly make Mary’s words their own and sing to God with Mary’s same wonder and awe at His greatness. 

Closing Hymn: Love Divine All Loves Excelling

The closing hymn is one of triumph and praise. The Mass has ended. We have received the Bread of Life; and now we are called to go forth with Him to share this joy with all we meet. Again, I chose a song that can bring us to our feet and help us marvel at the Lord’s great and merciful love for us.

In this post I only wrote about the main hymns of the Mass. I’ll leave the rest as a surprise! For those who will be attending my consecration, I offer you the friendly challenge of allowing yourself to be moved by the music, to feel with the music, and to enter into the music that accompanies each moment…and please, sing along!

I also want to shout out a couple of thanks to some very special people. Mike and Laurita (Music Director and Assistant Music Director at St. Mary's) who enthusiastically helped me with song selection and have been very available to listen to my desires and help me find the best way to fulfill them. I also thank in advance the St. Mary's Student Choir who I know will so beautifully bring to life these very songs and do their part in helping the music lead us to a more full experience of the Mass. 

"The aim and final end of all music should be none other 

than the glory of God and the refreshment of the soul." 

- Johann Sebastian Bach

Behind the Liturgy: The Dress

As mentioned in a previous post, our community lives off of God’s Divine Providence. This means that the goods we have – the food on our table and the clothes on our backs – are all thanks to the Good Father who works through the generosity of others to provide for us. You can imagine then that, since our community doesn’t have a habit, I was kind of nervous at the idea of having to find an appropriate dress for my vows. In the past God has provided in different ways for this moment. Some sisters have put together an outfit from clothes already in their closet, others have received it as a gift from their family, and one even received a dress “in providence” (meaning that it literally arrived in a bag of clothes left at our doorstep) in the year leading up to her vow ceremony.

For me, God chose to work in a particular way through my parents. Both my mom and dad desired to not only pay for the dress but also to spend the time looking for it with me. This is quite virtuous, since they, better than anyone, know how hard I can be to shop with. (Let’s just say that it’s not exactly my favorite pastime.) But because of them, I now have a dress and I want to share with you my adventure in finding it…

I find the phenomenon of the wedding dress search to be quite fascinating. Perhaps this is so only because I just recently found myself living these dynamics in my own search for a vows dress. And, as many movies, bridal magazines, and countless bridal stores that never go out of business attest to, the search basically all comes down to one little criteria: it has to be perfect. Easy enough right? 

"Perfect" is a daunting word, especially when it's your only style preference, but it somehow works in the wedding dress industry. I mean, it really is as if the bride just knows. Maybe she'll have to try on a dozen dresses or go to a dozen stores (like me) but when she puts it on and sees herself in the mirror, it's like she just feels it or something and knows it's the one. 

But why is this part so important for the bride? Why does it really matter so much what she wears? Ever ask yourself these questions? Probably not because it is so ingrained in our culture (in many societies really) that no one questions it. They just know it to be true. 

For me, the only time I started considering this question, and its possible answers, was when it was finally my turn. As my search, which even had an online phase, continued on without finding "the one" I began to ask myself: Cherise, why does it matter so much to you what your dress is like that day? I even had the audacity to try to convince myself that my vows day was less important than a wedding day and therefore it was nonsense to fret over the dress. Which is ridiculous, by the way, because my vows day is the day I become the bride of Christ, therefore it's like a wedding day and so of course it is as important. 

(And just for the record: I do think it's nonsense to lose peace or sleep over a dress whether it be for a wedding day or a day of consecration. But I also believe it's not good to lose peace or sleep over pretty much anything unless there's a Holy Spirit led conversion of heart going on.)

So what, you ask, was my conclusion to this pondering? Why is it justifiable to think that my vows dress should be "perfect"? 

I'd like to preface my answer with one ulterior reflection on the wedding dress search. 

Who does the bride usually invite shopping with her: mom and dad (or at least mom), other important women in her life, her closest friends, and, perhaps, even her future mother-in-law. She might be willing to share pictures of it with those who couldn't come along to know what they think or to see their smile as they imagine her in it. But who is the one person whose opinion really matters? It's the same person with whom she cannot confront about the dress: the bridegroom. 

For the bride, turning the heads of everyone in the church means nothing if the groom is not the first to acknowledge her beauty. Many brides would probably sacrifice every compliment they received that day just to experience one more time the look on the groom's face when they first entered into view. You see, I agree with Katherine Heigl's character Jane in the 2008 romantic comedy "27 Dresses" as she speaks about that moment: You know how the bride makes her entrance and everybody turns to look at her? That’s when I look at the groom. Cause his face says it all you know? The pure love there.

Love. The bride wants to look perfect for love. And the bride is only able to achieve the "perfect" look because of love. 

She's not worried about the fact that her one criteria for the dress is that it be "perfect", and neither are we worried for her. We know that she will find the perfect one and that she will be beautiful. And we know this because "perfect", in this case, is the dress that makes her feel most herself and brings out in her the woman that her bridegroom is so utterly in love with. And when he sees her, when he sees the woman he loves and desires to give himself completely to, his face truly will say it all and everyone in the church will know that, for him, she is perfect. And this is why we, like Jane, after seeing the bride all dressed up in the one gown that gave her that mysterious but certain "feeling", steal a quick glance back at the groom to see his reaction. 

And so yes, the dress, be it for a wedding or a consecration, is important. Not for the sake of worldly beauty that the Book of Proverbs wisely reminds us is fleeting (Proverbs 31:30), but for the sake of the beauty of pure love. The dress plays a key role in that moment when everyone in the church, if just for a short time, is invited into a most intimate exchange of gazes between lovers and is reminded that pure love lies at the deepest roots of the human heart's greatest desires. 

And when I take those first steps down the aisle on the day of my consecration, I hope that everyone who looks at me does so only long enough to desire to see the Bridegroom, to seek His face, to wonder at the love overflowing from His gaze. I hope that any worldly beauty they see in me is recognized as just a mere reflection of a deeper interior beauty born and cultivated by the love of the One who awaits my total "yes" at the altar. And my sincere prayer is for everyone who, in that moment, asks themselves if there is a love like that out there for them; if there is a joy like that in this life for them. The answer is a resounding "yes". That love and joy is found in the same Bridegroom who never ceases to call His beloved, to call you: Come. 

You didn't actually think I'd put a photo of my dress on the internet before my vows did you? 

A thank you goes out to all who helped and supported me in my vows dress search: Mom and Dad (who bought it), my sister-in-law Jen, Aunt Sharon, my sisters in community especially Tatum and Catherine who came with me, Mother Mary - whose intercession was undoubtedly influential - and countless others who suggested websites, stores, and always reminded me that Jesus had a better dress in mind than the one that didn't work out. Y'all were right.

Behind the Liturgy: The Readings

As in every Mass, the first part of the Liturgy of my vows will be the Liturgy of the Word. Christ, who is the Word Made Flesh, makes Himself present to us through Sacred Scripture. Being the Mass of my profession of vows, I actually have the great privilege to choose the readings, psalm, and Gospel that will be read that day. Of course, the Church in her great maternal care, helps me out by also giving me a list of suggested readings for this event. 

The First Reading: Song of Songs 2:8-14

The sound of my lover! here he comes springing across the mountains, leaping across the hills. My lover is like a gazelle or a young stag. See! He is standing behind our wall, gazing through the windows, peering through the lattices. My lover speaks and says to me, “Arise, my friend, my beautiful one, and come! For see, the winter is past, the rains are over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth, the time of pruning the vines has come, and the song of the turtledove is heard in our land. The fig tree puts forth its figs, and the vines, in bloom, give forth fragrance. Arise, my friend, my beautiful one, and come! My dove in the clefts of the rock, in the secret recesses of the cliff. Let me see your face, let me hear your voice. For your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely.”

This reading from Song of Songs is very dear to me. It is this reading - with which I prayed intensely in the last days of December of last year - that accompanied me in the period leading up to the confirmation that I would be taking my vows. During the Mass it will actually be read by one of my sisters in Italian, so that my heart may hear once more the same words that first touched it so deeply and sweetly on December 21, 2018. 

What first struck me about this passage is actually lost in the English translation. In Italian, the verse “and the song of the turtledove is heard in our land” reads more like this: “the time to sing has returned.” With those words, the Lord was revealing to me that He missed my voice, that I hadn’t sung to Him in a while – which was very well the case. 

And from there my attention was brought back to a couple of verses before: “Arise, my friend, my beautiful one, and come!” Every woman desires to be called beautiful and to belong to someone, or at least I know that my feminine heart greatly desires these two things. In these few words I finally opened my eyes to see before me One who longed for me to lift my gaze and meet His. Someone who desired to call me His but who found in my heart many attachments to other lesser loves. Before me, asking for my love, was the only One with the power to make me love Him and yet preferred my freedom. 

“Let me see your face, let me hear your voice. For your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely.” At the conclusion of that first prayer with this passage, renewed in me were the spousal desires of my heart. As a bride, I desired to give a love to my Bridegroom that no one else could, to enter into the part of His heart that was reserved only for me. And so I prayed and asked Him how I could ever be so bold as to think I could fill Him who has never known emptiness. His answer was immediate and simple: give me that which I refuse to take from you: your free and total “yes” to my call. 

The Responsorial Psalm: Psalm 37

Response: Find your delight in the LORD who will give you your heart’s desire

Trust in the LORD and do good

that you may dwell in the land and live secure

Find your delight in the LORD

who will give you your heart’s desire.

Commit your way to the LORD;

trust in him and he will act

And make your righteousness shine like the dawn, your justice like noonday 

Be still before the LORD;

wait for him.

Do not be provoked by the prosperous,

nor by malicious schemers.

The valiant one whose steps are guided by the LORD,

who will delight in his way

May stumble, but he will never fall,

for the LORD holds his hand.

Although it will be sung in English, this is another passage from the Word of God that most strikes me in Italian. It is a psalm that has been accompanying me in my formative journey since my first semester in Rome three years ago. 

At the time, the words that most struck me were “that you may dwell in the land” which, translated literally from the Italian text I prefer, is more like: “dwell the land!” It first hit my heart as a battle cry. Dwell the land! which is to say, live in the present moment; root yourself in the concrete reality around you; work the soil with your very hands. It is in the present moment that we meet Christ and His grace. He has given us this reality because He knows it is what will bring us most swiftly and directly back with Him to the Father’s house where He longs to dwell with us for all eternity. It is a gift given to us in His mercy.

With time other verses began to touch my heart as well. “Find your delight in the Lord who will give you your heart’s desire.” What a promise!...and what a journey! It’s not always easy for us to arrive at truly seeing and believing that the Lord is our delight and that the desire of our heart that He fulfills is ultimately Himself. I am at the beginning of this journey.

“…and he will act”. Translated from my preferred version in Italian: “He will complete his work.” Another big promise. The Lord will finish the work He started in me. He is the one who called me. I seek to answer but only with the cooperation of His grace can I arrive at the destination He has in mind. 

“Be still before the Lord, wait for him.” Oh how sweetly these words have soothed my heart in the last few years. Often in the chapel I will repeat them countless times and just sit there, asking for the grace to increase my hope. 

“…May stumble, but he will never fall, for the Lord holds his hand.” What can I say? It’s a psalm full of not-so-little promises. 

The Second Reading: 1 John 4: 7-16

Beloved, let us love one another, because love is of God; everyone who loves is begotten by God and knows God. Whoever is without love does not know God, for God is love. In this way the love of God was revealed to us: God sent his only Son into the world so that we might have life through him. In this is love: not that we have loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as expiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also must love one another. No one has ever seen God. Yet, if we love one another, God remains in us, and his love is brought to perfection in us. This is how we know that we remain in him and he in us, that he has given us of his Spirit. Moreover, we have seen and testify that the Father sent his Son as savior of the world. Whoever acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God remains in him and he in God. We have come to know and to believe in the love God has for us. God is love, and whoever remains in love remains in God and God in him.

I’ll share with y’all a little secret: without even consulting the list of suggestions, I knew all of the readings I wanted for the Mass of my vows except for the Second Reading. However, the first time I saw this option on the list, I was immediately reminded of the encounter I had with God’s love six years ago in the Hannigan Chapel at St. Mary’s Catholic Center in College Station. 

When someone asks me about my vocation story I often share of this encounter (which you can read about here). It was in that experience of God’s immense love freely given to me that two desires were born in my heart: (1) to know this God who loved me so much, and (2) to discover my personal way of responding to that love. 

“God is love.” Recently one of my sisters here in Rome gave a meditation and quoting this verse encouraged us to reflect on it asking the Lord: how are You loving me today? She even challenged us to ask Him this question in our suffering. If God is love, He cannot not love us in every moment. Following this logic, allowing us to suffer could very well be a way in which He loves us. But how? I think I could spend a whole lifetime reflecting on that, but for now, I think this daily practice is good for all of us: God, You who are Love, how are you loving me today?

“Beloved, if God so loved us, we also must love one another.” If this isn’t an evident need in our world today, I don’t know what is. But loving others isn’t easy so we can’t do it with just the force of our own will. We must first recognize the love God has for each of His children to be able to go beyond our own weaknesses and selfishness in loving one another. Heavenly Father, please give us this grace. 

“We have come to know and to believe in the love God has for us.” Have we really? Some days I can answer “yes” to that but, if I’m honest, there are many others in which my thoughts, words, and actions testify to a different message. With this reading, let us ask for the grace to truly live from the belief and knowledge of God’s immense love for us!

The Gospel: Luke 1:26-38

In the sixth month, the angel Gabriel was sent from God to a town of Galilee called Nazareth, to a virgin betrothed to a man named Joseph, of the house of David, and the virgin’s name was Mary. And coming to her, he said, “Hail, favored one! The Lord is with you.” But she was greatly troubled at what was said and pondered what sort of greeting this might be. Then the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. Behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall name him Jesus. He will be great and will be called Son of the Most High, and the Lord God will give him the throne of David his father, and he will rule over the house of Jacob forever, and of his kingdom there will be no end.” But Mary said to the angel, “How can this be, since I have no relations with a man?” And the angel said to her in reply, “The holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. Therefore the child to be born will be called holy, the Son of God. And behold, Elizabeth, your relative, has also conceived a son in her old age, and this is the sixth month for her who was called barren; for nothing will be impossible for God.” Mary said, “Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word.” Then the angel departed from her.

Mary is the woman of the perfect yes. Before an abyss of the unknown, she responds to God in total trust. She does not concentrate on the missing details or the struggles that are sure to come of this unthinkable situation. She looks with love to the One she knows loves her, and she trusts Him. 

The fact that I am making my vows the day before the Feast of the Immaculate Conception of Mary is no accident. It is actually quite intentional that an Apostle of the Interior Life make her vows on or near a Marian feast day. Why? Because Mary is our model. She, and she alone, can say to have cooperated so completely with the grace of God to have followed His will perfectly in every moment of her life. 

I, too, desire this totality in following the Lord, and this Gospel passage when read as if for the first time really stirs up in the heart that marvel and awe that inspires to aspire. In the same moment that I recognize myself incapable of such a response, I feel encouraged and dare to dream it possible for me. Mary’s presence has that effect. She fascinates with her boldness and courage that go beyond what we would judge to be humanly possible and, then, she gently holds out her hand and invites us to come along for the adventure as if it were the most natural thing to do. 

I pray that this passage may be for all of us not only an inspiring story about another but a catalyst for our own story. May we join Mary in her hymn of trust: be it done unto me according to Your word.

The Annunciation 1894 Frederick James Shields

Mary, Mother of God and our Mother…pray for us.