Newsletter Update December 2018

Dear Family and Friends!

            Merry Christmas! It’s, by now, my third Christmas in Rome. I can’t believe it! How time sure does fly by! I hope this Christmas season finds you surrounded by many loved ones. I know it’s hard for me to be away from my family but I also know that I have found here, in my community and the friends God has gifted me with, a much larger family than I ever imagined possible to have. How blessed I am!

Important Events

            Dec 11 – my first nephew, Shepherd James Klekar, was born!!! 

            Jan and Feb – my period of exams for my first year of Theology (please pray!)

            Feb 10 – my 26^th birthday…another little prayer for me please!

            March 2 – my Mom’s birthday 

            March 25 – Brandon (my brother) and Jen’s 2^nd wedding anniversary. 

            March 29 – our founder, Fr. Salvatore, celebrates 67 years of priesthood. 

            May 25 – our AVI brother, Deacon Joel Haug, will be ordained a priest in Kansas City, KS.

Story Time

            For those of you who don’t know, this year I was given a HUGE gift: a pilgrimage to the Holy Land! I could share many things about that trip and already have in my blog a few months ago (see blog post here). So to change things up, I’ll share a little story that I didn’t include in that post.

            The first day of the trip Sr. Clara and I found ourselves with a free morning, as we awaited the arrival of the last part of our group. Not wanting to waste any of the precious time we were allotted in this most holy place we did a little research and found that our hotel was right next to a pilgrimage destination: Mount Precipice. 

            If you open up your Bible to the Gospel of Luke chapter 4 you will find a passage in which Jesus preaches from the prophet Isaiah in the synagogue at Nazareth. After He finishes and proclaims the Word fulfilled that day, the people begin to marvel at this and to question: is He not the son of Joseph? After explaining that no prophet is accepted in his hometown with examples from the Old Testament, He is immediately taken away to a nearby mount by the crowds who want “to hurl him down headlong” (v. 29) before He “passed through the midst of them and went away” (v. 30). We were on that mount.

            Praying with this very passage looking out upon the valley below I had a very simple and beautiful moment with our Lord. First, I was marveled at Him wanting to bring me there and share with me the place where He grew up. When I think of my hometown, of the memories each corner holds, of the sounds and smells that call to mind faces and voices, of the failures and triumphs, laughter and tears that all made me who I am today, I realize how precious of a place it is to share with someone. Here was the Son of God making Himself vulnerable with me – His small, unworthy creature. Here was Jesus of Nazareth giving me the “local’s tour”. Wow. What a gift. What a humbling moment. 

Then, more specifically in the passage I was struck by the last line from Isaiah that He chose to preach that day: He has sent me…to proclaim a year acceptable to the Lord (v. 18-19). In the Italian translation, with which I was praying, it says “a year of grace in the Lord”. Upon reading these words and imagining them preached to me from the very voice of Jesus I felt a huge wave of consolation in my heart. Here was Jesus making me a promise: this year will be filled with grace. He was not promising me the best year of my life, nor the year filled with the most success or joy. No, He was promising me something much, much greater: a year filled with His grace, with His presence…a year filled with Him. 

This message for me was very important seeing as I was about to embark on a year so full of novelty as to frighten me a bit. Even more so than other years I felt unprepared before many unknowns. Without previous experience to depend on I just had no idea how things would go. What would the new university be like? Would I like my professors? Would I make new friends? Would I lose my old friends? After years of always being the “littlest”, how would I handle the “big sister” role? What would it be like living with six other people? How would my relationship change with the sisters who still go to my old university? What does the formative journey look like for someone in “preparation for vows”? What will it be like having more responsibility in the apostolate? And so on and so forth…

In that moment these questions were not answered but they found a new location. No longer were they at the forefront of my mind but rather behind a much more important affirmation: “I am with you.” And so it was that my heart found peace and my Holy Land trip was off to a great start!

Where's my heart?

          My heart is on a journey. The destination is freedom. And although I have caught glimpses of the finish line and tasted the glory just enough to be encouraged to keep going, I have yet a long, long way to go. In this journey I have a Guide but our means of transportation is not a taxi. No, this is not a passive trip but one that asks of me a very active participation. In fact, I often look down and find the reigns laying in my young, unexperienced hands. And this happens much more often than I'd think necessary. Clearly my Guide is not as rushed as I am to arrive.

          As it is, the control is often mine. At least it is left up to me many crucial elements of the trip: the speed, how long (and how often) we stope to rest, which road we take...etc. I'm learning that by continually choosing to remain by my Guide's side in this journey I've accepted His invitation and am guaranteed arrival at the much desired destination of freedom. I am also learning, however, that there is no set length or time limit. The level of difficulty is not standard, and the enjoyment factor is really hit or miss. Some days I'm happily going full speed ahead and the next, I could easily be setting up camp for an undetermined amount of time not wanting to even look towards the direction the path is leading me. 

           The one constant in this journey is my Guide. He never leaves me, even when I think to have left Him. Although He asks of me to make the decision, He is always suggesting to me which path to take. Often I lack in trust, and don't believe that the road leading into the tunnel - dark and lurking with the unknown - could really be smoother and quicker than the open air mountain pass. But even then, when in mistrust I don't follow His advice, He remains with me and lives with me the consequences of my choice. Up the steep incline He holds my heaviest bag, and when the snows begin to fall at the mountain top He gives me His every coat. For me He finds wood to build a fire, and when food and water run scarce He nourishes me with His very self. He never ceases to seek my comfort and joy even when I am too absorbed in myself to notice. Along the driest of paths He plants a clump of colorful daisies (my favorite flower) just to make me smile. And in the harshest of winters He sets a flight a chorus of little birds that accompany me in song. He delights  my way by filling it with  numerous unique encounters: each person as beautiful as he/she is diverse. And when I feel all alone He sends a sweet breeze to brush my cheek and draw my attention back to Him who is forever whispering encouragement and love into my heart. He paves my way with His peace.

            Yes,  my heart is on a journey, and the destination is freedom but I have a long, long way to go.

Prayer Intentions

·         For my brother Brandon, his wife Jen, and their newborn baby boy Shepherd James.

·         For our exams between Jan 21 and Feb 15 (I have no exact dates yet).

·         For the House of Formation here in Rome…for continued growth in unity and sisterly love.

·         For all the girls in formation with our community in both Rome and the USA.

·         For new vocations to our community and to the Consecrated Life.

·         For our apostolate: retreats, missions, and moments of evangelization we have planned this year.

 

            Thanks for patiently awaiting this newsletter that I got out a little late this year. I justify it by reminding myself that we are still in the Octave of Christmas – the eight days of Solemnities, one after the other, in which each day’s Mass is celebrated like a Sunday Mass singing “Glory to God in the Highest” and celebrating this great event of our Lord’s birth! I encourage you all to live according to this as best as you can with the demands of your daily life. Mass during the week is not obligatory but would be neat to go to anyways in these days as it is the highest form of Thanksgiving we can make to God. Also, I pray that you still find time to relax, rejoice, and continue to unite with family and friends to spend these days in an extra special way. They are not like any old day of the year after all!

            Sending you all a hug and a big Thank You for your continued love, prayers, and support. These unique experiences I am having, my journey to greater freedom, and my all around joy would not be possible without each and every one of you! I will never be able to thank you enough but I assure you of my prayers and remind you that you may send me specific prayer intentions any time! Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and God bless!

The young women in formation with our founder, Fr. Salvatore.

Everybody on Christmas Day!

Outside the walls of Jerusalem

In front of the Trevi Fountain

Florence, Italy

In the whispering of a soft wind

Already almost a month ago now I had the great privilege to be in the Holy Land. That’s right! The very land where our Lord walked, preached, slept, ate, prayed while on this Earth. I’ve been wanting to write about it for a while now but nothing more than just snippets of the week’s events were coming to me. I wasn’t sure how to connect it all in one train of thought. I still don’t know if I’ll succeed but I figure it’s time to share some of the graces I received.

My AVI sister who accompanied me: Clara

I still can’t decide if I actually had no expectations for the trip or if I had too many to be able to organize into concrete desires. In any case, I managed to arrive with open and empty hands ready to receive what He had planned for me. My disposition was simple: my Husband-to-be was taking me home to meet the family, see where He grew up, and visit the places most dear to His heart. Naturally, as any girl would be, I was nervous. What will it be like to be in these places? Will I fit in? What will He reveal to me about Himself there? Will I be capable of receiving Him when He shares His heart with me? And will I, in turn, be courageous and vulnerable in sharing mine with Him?

Being a pilgrimage, I didn’t travel to the Holy Land alone. I was with a rather large and diverse Italian group. In total we came to around 230 pilgrims, occupying 5 buses, and traveling from three different airports in Italy. This in itself proved to be a huge blessing as I was given the opportunity to meet new people and discover their unique beauty continually as the week went on. Being divided into smaller groups according to our bus I was able also to cultivate deeper friendships with those who lived this experience more closely with me throughout the week.

Rather than list off where we went and when, I’d like to simply share moments of encounter I had with Jesus particularly in His humanity. One would naturally imagine a pilgrimage to be a very spiritual experience with many interior movements. This is true in general and was true also for this trip but what I was not expecting was the strong human experience I had of the presence of Christ. In these 8 days He spoke to all of my senses, exterior and interior.

One way in particular that Jesus continually assured me of His presence throughout the week was in a soft, refreshing breeze on my cheek. Whether it reached me while on a boat on the Sea of Galilee, or on the beach at the end of the day when the Red Sea was as dark as the sky, or as a wave of heat in the Negev Desert, or in the silence of the sunset over Jerusalem up on the Mount of Olives, it always carried the same message: I am here with you. I am always with you. And there’s nowhere else I want to be.

the Sea of Galilee seen from Capernaum

Many things in the Holy Land have changed in 2,000 years. Very little of what you can see in the “old city” of Jerusalem, for example, was ever actually seen by Jesus. However, one thing that has changed very little is the landscape. Thus, one of my favorite things to do was to simply contemplate the landscape…the same landscape that Jesus’s eyes would have beheld. I was able to do this for a long time one evening in Capernaum at the shore of the Sea of Galilee. We were right near the house of St. Peter which would have most likely been the house of Jesus during His 3 years of public ministry in Galilee. Sitting there observing where the water met the sky, comparing their different shades of blue, and taking in the hills in the distance as the setting sun slowly filled the sky with hues of pink and orange I didn’t have many thoughts. One simple thought that occurred to me over and over however was as follows: How many times would You (speaking to Jesus) have come to this very spot after a long day of preaching or before a long night of fishing to just be with Your friends and admire the beauty of Your own creation? The answer came in a simple, soft breeze: to this day He still brings His friends to this shore as He had done that very evening with me.  

Another evening on the shore, but this time the shore of the Red Sea, a place never visited by Jesus in His earthly life. I found myself there later than the time before. It was already well past sunset and sky and sea alike had settled into a deep blackish-blue. Again I didn’t have many thoughts. (As I write this now I realize that this fact of having few thoughts is probably one of the greatest graces I received on the trip being usually a slave to my own numerous and complicated ones.) Before the immensity of this great sea that God had separated to let through His beloved people, I felt completely relaxed and full of joy. Nearby a group of us was playing a guitar and singing Italian classics with a jovial spirit. Further off in the distance I could hear Arabian-style beach dance music and the hum of excited voices sharing a vacation experience. Isolated as I was from the various groups in the vicinity I had no reason to feel alone. He was there with me, caressing my cheek with a soft sea breeze, assuring me that I was there by no accident. He had organized it all to have me alone for those few precious moments.

The following day we were anything but at sea: we were in the Negev Desert. I was struck first and foremost by its beauty, a beauty foreign to me and very captivating. The same delicate red sand that whirled up with the wind in a mini dust storm combined to form big, sturdy rocks that took on the appearance of hills. The few brave plants to be seen were more grey than green. The second chapter of the Book of the Prophet Hosea immediately came into mind: “I will allure her into the desert and speak to her heart…” Our guide told us before arriving that the desert was “il luogo dell’amore”: the place of love. In his book, Hosea recounts to us the story of a Lover (God) who leads His beloved (Israel) into the desert, stripping her of all her smaller loves that distracted her from Him in order to restore and renew their exclusive spousal love. Sometimes it seems that the Lord does the same with us, and at first the desert is not a pleasant experience: it’s hot, there’s no water source, everything looks the same, there’s a sense of solitude, and what we previously had is sorely missed. Staring out at the wild beauty of the Negev Desert from my little nook of shade I was taken by the romantic notion of heroically entering into  it “taking nothing for the journey” (Lk 9:3) and being satisfied by the presence of God alone. This idealistic fancy was quickly stifled when I realized that indeed God was offering me the chance to go out into the desert, or rather He was asking this very thing of me. You see, upon my return home I was to start a new university where I had no friends, knew no one and nothing, not even the location of my classrooms or the names of my professors. I was already suffering from the thought of no longer seeing my friends from the old university so the reality of it was not exactly appealing to me. But again, that soft breeze, this time more warm than fresh, captured my attention. “With age-old love I have loved you; so I have kept my mercy toward you” (Jeremiah 31:3). The promise of His presence was not meant to take the pain away, and alas it did not, but it made the idea of being in the desert much less scary knowing I wouldn’t be there alone.

One of the more intense experiences we had occurred in no other than the Mount of Olives, the place of Jesus’s “yes” as one Franciscan guide called it. Here Jesus, against all the human desires and fears He strongly felt, freely gave His complete obedience to the Father. In this place He took all of our sins upon Himself in an act of selfless love to the point of accepting death…death on a cross (Phil 2:8). In this very place I had the great privilege of participating in this by going to confession. What grace flowed in and out of that garden as around 200 people handed over their sins to our Lord! We were gifted 2 hours of silence there around the time of sunset. I couldn’t help but smile at the huge providence to pray in the Garden of Olives at the same hour Jesus Himself preferred. There I was in perhaps Jesus’s most intimate place while on this Earth. He desired to share that place with me. To share with me the sunset over Jerusalem, the soft whisper of the wind that blew through the olive tree leaves, the great peace of a place in which the words most commonly exchanged between Father and Son were “I love you.” There, in that sacred yet utterly human place, I was invited to join in on this song of love raising my voice in a melody of continual “I love you’s” sure to be reciprocated: “I love you’s” that arrived to me in the whispering of a soft wind.

Another intense place was certainly the Church of the Holy Sepulcher where present are both the hill of Calvary and the empty tomb of our Lord. I can’t claim too many intense emotions (outside of impatience for the long lines and chaos inside). But having a good 4 hours to pray there I found myself a comfortable, out-of-the-way, corner at the foot of the hill of Calvary in a chapel they call “Adam’s Chapel”. Here I knelt for at least an hour, and the Lord deemed it opportune to communicate with me through human words: human words from the mouth of perfect strangers. The first tap on my back came from a Spanish speaking woman who, after learning that I didn’t actually speak the same language, insisted upon sharing with me her message anyways. Luckily I do have three years of high school Spanish under my belt along with several of Italian (which I think helped the most). Her message was simple, nothing new, but so important for me to hear: Jesús ti ama. Está aquí (as she touched her heart). And then looking at me and softly touching my cheek, tu es linda.  (Jesus loves you. He is here in your heart. You are beautiful.) Returning to prayer with a soft smile, it is not long before I feel another gentle tap on my shoulder. This time, upon raising my gaze, I am met by 2 sets of eyes belonging to 2 girls younger than me: one from Germany and the other from Israel. This time the language is English and they ask to pray for me. I share with them superficially my worries about going to a new university and they begin to pray over me in soft whispers. Their words were of an incredible simplicity and yet completely appropriate for what I was living: Lord, help Cherise to trust in Your presence with her in this transition. Help her to make friends and be confident in herself in this new place. After they left that soft smile turned into a soft laughter as I realized the Lord wanted to be very clear with His message to me so He sent me human words to reach my human ears. There I was at the foot of Calvary touched by the humanity of Christ through His body, the Church, of which He is the Head and we are the members.

"Gloria, gloria a Dio..."

The place most precious to me in the whole trip was also that which was most suprising. I didn’t even know that we knew were this place was nor did I have a desire to go there before the trip. It was a place of utter simplicity and humility, often forgetten, and seldom the focal point of Sunday homilies. It was the place near Bethlehem known as “Shepherds’ Field”. Tradition tells us that here over 2,000 years ago a choir of angels appeared to some unsuspecting shepherd’s to announce the Good News of the arrival of the King, the Savior of the world, who was to be found as a newborn child in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. Entering into a small chapel built on these grounds our group began to sing “Glory to God in the Highest…” as had done the angels upon their visit to the shepherds. Inside of me was a new sensation: a sensation of the purest and simplest kind, a certainty of my own salvation, an assurance that everything was not just going to be fine but wonderful, the promise of His presence. Away from me were all fears, worries, and anxieties. In my heart remained only one overwhelming sentiment: joy. And this joy was manifested in the tears that streamed freely down my cheeks.

If I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths, I manage to return to those places and experience His consoling presence. But the real beauty of it all is that I am not limited to my memories. Even here in Rome His breeze reaches me to assure me that as I walk the halls of my new university, mop the floors of our apartment, or chase after the unpredictable buses of this eternal city, He is with me. And every land becomes holy in His presence.

Newsletter Update: June 2018

July 4, 2018

Dear Family and Friends!

            Happy Fourth of July! I write to you from a place of rest where my community and I are so blessed to spend July together here in the Dolomite Mountains of Northern Italy. After an intense period of exams and a research paper for my philosophy seminar, I can finally breathe the fresh mountain air with the sweet sense of freedom seeing before me a good three months of vacation from my university studies in which I will split time with my community here in the mountains and my family in Texas. I continue to thank you for your support in form of prayers and material assistance. You are all important participants of my journey and I couldn’t do it without you!

Important Events

• June 9 (Immaculate Heart of Mary) – I moved into the phase of formation that is in preparation for vows making a promise to live the spirit of the vows of chastity, poverty, and obedience that I could, at the earliest, officially make in two years.
• June 27 – Feast of Our Lady of Perpetual Help to whom I entrusted my vocation 5 years ago
• July – month of community time in the Dolomite Mountains
• July 15 – July 22 – week of a Come and See when some girls interested in our community will be with us to “see” a little more of our life
• August 5 – my flight home to Texas
• August 31 – the birthday of my brother Brandon
• September 3 – my flight back to Rome
• September 4 – the birthday of my dad Robert
• September 30 – October 7 – pilgrimage to the Holy Land with one of my sisters
• October 3 – 28 – Synod of Bishops for Young People: The Faith and Vocational Discernment
• October 8 – first day of school: after finishing Philosophy I will start my theological studies

Story Time

            “The Church is asking something that only you two can do” said Janel, our formator, one day early this year as Briana and I sat on the couch in our living room. Seeing my confused face she adds “…or if you prefer it’s a request of Pope Francis.” And after we finished some nervous laughter she began to explain to us an opportunity that would become for us one of the most unique and beautiful of our lives up to date…

            From March 19 – 25 Briana and I lived a week of encounter with young people called together by the Pope and Church from all of the world in preparation for the Synod of Bishops for Young People, the Faith and Vocational Discernment that will be held this October. The goal was to reflect over 15 questions asked by the Synod Fathers themselves (a group of Bishops from all over the world who will participate with the Pope in this Synod) and to produce a short document that would be used by them in their reflections in October.  It is the first time that the Church does such a thing and gives voice to young people on such a level.

            Briana’s and my role was that of representing the voice of the over 2,000 English speaking young people participating in the Facebook group created specifically for the event. Our job was to read their responses to the same 15 questions being reflected on in person by the over 300 delegates present in Rome and make a synthesis to be used in the writing of the document to be presented to Pope Francis at the Palm Sunday Mass on Sunday.

            In true young people fashion, the week was filled with much energy and joy. Everyone took this opportunity seriously and openly shared their ideas and desires as the Pope himself encouraged in his visit on our first day of the Pre-Synodal Meeting. Present were young people of all continents, languages, ways of life, and religions. While the most were Catholics, there were those of other faiths and those who declared themselves atheists. And even amongst the Catholics there was a wide variety of needs according to where one was from and what events were more present in their country (persecution, pro-life matters, freedom of religious expression, interfaith dialogue, immigration, etc…). We had all meals together and it was an amazing experience to sit at a table with people from several different countries and even continents. My knowledge of English and Italian helped me to be able to communicate with many people but I still felt a great need and desire to study other languages to be able to encounter the others.

            I was most touched by these encounters. All those present were ready and available to listen and to share on a deep level. I don’t know how many times I shared my personal story of encounter with God and about my community. I myself was also edified by the stories shared with me and by the witness of faith and joy that challenged me to grow. I saw many different sides of the Face of God that week and at the end of it, kneeling in our chapel at home, I couldn’t help but think: “how beautiful You are Jesus.”

            With what imagination God created us all; each of us as a different expression of His beauty; each called to a different mission, a different way to serve, to love, to announce His Name. My life was deeply enriched by those few days that were full of a quantity of experiences one would expect to need months for. I got to live what it means to be a part of the universal Church in all of its different expressions and ways to worship the One True God. I will be ever grateful for this opportunity and forever changed because of it.

Shaking hands with the Pope!!

The social media team for 6 different languages!

Another article about Briana’s and my experience:

http://www.en.apostlesofil.com/project/synod-on-young-people-the-faith-and-vocational-discernment/

The final document produced by the young people: http://www.synod2018.va/content/synod2018/en/news/final-document-from-the-pre-synodal-meeting.html

The synthesis used to make the document: http://www.synod2018.va/content/synod2018/en/news/summary-of-the-small-groups-at-the-pre-synodal-meeting.html

The Instrumentum Laboris to be used by the Synod Fathers in October: http://www.synod2018.va/content/synod2018/en/fede-discernimento-vocazione/instrumentum-laboris-for-the-synod-2018--young-people--the-faith.html?platform=hootsuite

For more general information:

http://www.synod2018.va/content/synod2018/en.html

Where’s my heart?

             With much simplicity I must honestly say that this year has been one of the best years of my life. Being my second year living in Rome, I found myself to be more comfortable with the language and the rhythm of life allowing me to enter into it on even a deeper level. The Lord, as usual, was much too good to me enriching my life with many beautiful encounters, friendships new and old, opportunities I could have never even imagined to have, and many spiritual gifts in prayer as well.

"Io prometto...": promise to live the spirit
of the vows of chastity, poverty, and obedience

            What effect has this had on my heart? More than ever before my heart feels full and fully alive; by means of friendships and experiences I’m discovering more aspects of my heart in its fragility and humanity. And I’m learning to accept myself in my sensibility without self-judgment. My heart is, after all, a human heart and that of a woman. It is a heart that moves in specific ways before certain people or certain situations. It is a heart that knows tears as well as it knows laughter. It is a heart that deeply suffers loss especially of a friend and a heart that rejoices in simply being smiled at. It is a heart that longs to love and to be loved…as I am.

         I continue to discover new angles of this heart of mine that feels ever the more little and weak. But, as St. Paul tells us, when I am weak, then I am strong (2 Cor 12:10). In my humanity and my littleness I feel closer to the heart of Christ than ever before. The heart of Christ is human after all, as well as divine. We do not become holy leaving our humanity behind but rather embracing it and entering more deeply into it. Purification is not about ridding ourselves of our humanity but rather of that which we have added to it over the years: sinful tendencies, selfishness, pride, bad habits, etc... The walk to holiness should not bring us away from but rather into the depths of our humanity to the roots of who we are: made in the image and likeness of God, in our humanity.

         This is where my heart is: on the journey. Or rather, I am on the journey to the deeper discovery of my heart. And my desire is that this journey does not only lead to discovery but also to transformation. That my heart may ever more intimately resemble and be united to the Sacred Heart of Christ and the Immaculate Heart of Mary: two human hearts who were never afraid of their desire to love and to be loved, and who, consequently, loved with their whole hearts holding nothing back and leaving themselves vulnerable to receive the love of others at the risk of even being wounded sometimes.

         A blog post on this topic can be found here: http://cheriseklekar.blogspot.com/2018/03/the-beating-of-consecrated-heart.html

 

Some of my classmates at the end of our 2 years of Philosophy together!

The puppy who came to my birthday party!

Prayer Intentions

·      For this month of community time: that it may be lived to the fullest (and with good weather!)

·      For the girls coming on the Come and See this July: that their hearts may be open to what the Lord has to speak to them in these days with us.

·      For my time at home in August: that I may cherish each moment with my family.

·      For my pilgrimage to the Holy Land: the grace to simply let Him speak to my heart as He desires.

·      For the start of a new school year with its new challenges and new encounters.

·      For the Synod of Bishops for Young People, The Faith and Vocational Discernment: that the Holy Spirit may truly be present and lead the Bishops to a deeper understanding of how the Lord desires to speak to young people through the Church today.

·      For my transition into this new phase of formation in which I begin to reflect more deeply on the vows of chastity, poverty, and obedience.

·      For Alexa who has moved to Rome and will begin her years of formation here this year.

·      For Kate who continues her first year of formation in Lawrence, KS.

·      For Sarah, Liz, and Sam who are doing a year of volunteering with our community in both Kansas and Texas to further their discernment.

·      For the other young women looking into our community and for an increase in vocations.

            I thank you all again for your support and for joining me in my journey. My prayers are with each of you and please know that you are always free to email me specific intentions. May you ever continue to discover your own heart and, in its deepest point, find your only desire to be for Love Himself. May God bless you and keep you and your loved ones close to Him.

                                                                                                            United under His gaze,

                                                                                                                        Cherise

*to be added to this email list serve email me at: cheriseklekar@gmail.com

**for more information about my community: www.apostlesofil.com

Learning to lose control: Moved by the Spirit

Usually “to lose control” is something negative: for example, you don’t want to lose control when driving or of your emotions in an argument. Many people would also go on to say that one should always keep under control their life. But here is where I see – and live the consequences of – many risks…

As my formative journey continues towards consecration and ultimately towards holiness (I hope), I grow more and more in self-knowledge. Many personality traits or defects that I’ve certainly had all of my life have only now come under my attention.

One of these tendencies is that of having everything under control, calculated, and well thought out before put into action. I don’t know whether to be alarmed or impressed by my mind’s capability of fixating itself on and determining the outcome of the smallest detail of the future. This capability can be switched on at any moment, night or day, or rather, I should say is never really switched off.

Until recently I never thought too much of it. It actually seemed pretty handy to always be so prepared. It definitely feels more secure and gives me the impression (if not the reality) of never being caught off guard. Just the same, I’ve always admired people who succeeded at being spontaneous…and actually seemed to like it. For me spontaneity is more equivalent to an uncomfortable and unforeseen improvisation than a joyful state of being. I think I could even say that in order to live it without anxiety, I have to plan to be spontaneous.

But as I come to a greater awareness of this part of myself, that certainly has its advantages, I am beginning to see many risks as well as develop desires contrary to it…
One risk that I feel very often is simply exhaustion. When one’s mind works over and over again on the same talk, meditation, conversation, event, exam, etc… at a certain point, it just can’t handle it anymore, or at least mine can’t. It may cause me to lose sleep or have less energy for concentration whether in prayer or while studying. Another risk is that of losing contact with reality, being absorbed in thoughts that are elsewhere. In this sense my community life and relationships begin to suffer as well as that part of me that needs the healthy balance of giving and receiving affection.  

As far as desires go one has been trying to sprout out from the depths of my heart from some time now and in the face of its blatant “counterpart” (feeling ‘in control’ of everything) is showing itself with more force than ever. It’s aided by the Liturgy also as we are accompanied by the Acts of the Apostles in our journey toward Pentecost. What is this desire? It’s simple: to let go and let myself be led.

A couple of weeks ago, in a span of 24 hours I lived, in a small way, the fullness of my human desire of control and my inspired desire of being led. Some friends of mine asked me to give a brief testimony at a prayer vigil they were holding here in Rome. (Per qualcuno che si trova a Roma lo consiglio: info qui) It was a last minute invite and although I eagerly agreed it left me a bit in crisis. What would I say? What would they think? How bad would my Italian be? How thick my American accent? And if I ruin their event….? One worry more egoistical than the other. I hardly slept the night before, unsure if I dreamed about thinking about the testimony or if I was actually waking up during the night to plan it out. The whole day I struggled to remain focused on my daily activities finding myself in constant mental rehearsals. To embarrass myself even more I remind you that this was to be a 4 to 5 minute testimony accompanied by others plus a main talk. By no means was the focus all to be on me.

Arriving there, I was a mess. Thankfully one of my sisters was with me to distract and support me. There is nothing like meeting the smile of a “consorella” when sitting behind a microphone in front of an audience. But before talking, as programmed, there were a few songs of praise and worship to open the vigil. I told myself to just enter into the song without thinking too much and continued to invoke the presence of the Holy Spirit. At a certain point a familiar melody began to play and I realized that we were about to sing the translated Italian version of a song I knew well from my days in the parish back home. Closing my eyes, I began to sing from memory in English, letting the words leave my lips as a prayer. Prompted by the priest leading the prayer I opened my hands and slightly lifted my arms. In this position of praise and openness I received a Sweet Guest in my soul. Like a wave of consolation He washed over me pushing out all the tension and weight I had accumulated in that day. Don’t worry. It’s not such a big deal. I’ll tell you what to say. My heart, filled with a new joy and peace desired to sing all the louder. 

Finishing this moment of praise and worship, it was time for my testimony. And although accompanied by my rapidly beating heart, I enjoyed each moment of it. As promised I shared mostly words inspired by the Spirit and very few of those prepared by me beforehand. Returning to my seat we entered into a time of Eucharistic adoration, and I found myself looking upon my Lord with new eyes. We sang a song that described perfectly how I was feeling in that moment: free. With the sweet taste still lingering on my lips my desire for this liberation from my “need” to control grew all the stronger.

In the third chapter of the Gospel of John there is a verse that really strikes me: “He does not ration his gift of the Spirit” (Jn 3:34). In my Italian Bible this is translated as: “without measure He gives the Spirit.” Without measure. When God gives, He gives everything every time. God does not know measure. He is not measured. Measure is a human construct that we use to…wait for it…control. 

This verse really challenges me. Do I believe it? That God does not ration His gift of the Spirit? If that’s the case, why don’t I expect to receive His Spirit? Why do I limit – measure – “how much” Spirit I can be given and then organize accordingly? Or why is it that I decide what gifts of the Spirit He can give me and which ones I will never receive? Why do I feel the need to have everything under control if God promises me His Spirit to guide me? Do I not trust in the quality of His work and thus would rather do it myself? 

With this reflection, I’m not saying that we should never prepare and do everything spontaneously because that would just be the other extreme of the spectrum. As in everything we need to seek the balance of our active participation and the movement of the Holy Spirit that guides us. 

In our journey towards Pentecost, let this be our prayer: for an openness to and a trust in His sure gift of self. The Spirit Himself is after all the greatest of the gifts of the Spirit. May we be liberated from any tendencies towards total control of our lives and rather filled with the freedom of being able to let go and be led. For He who leads us is Trustworthy and Faithful; He is Love Himself. 

The Beating of a Consecrated Heart

Recently I find myself returning to the same question: What does it mean to have a consecrated heart?

I myself am not consecrated, not yet at least. But I am in formation towards that step and already living many aspects of the life I will lead after professing my vows. And so I find myself praying: teach me to love as You love Lord. Teach my heart to beat as only a consecrated heart can.

As usual, the Lord is not responding to me only through prayer or through His Word but rather through the experience of life itself. I am not sure that I can say to have ever lived a period so in tune with my heart as the one that I am living now.

It’s as if I am truly aware of the presence of my heart for the first time. I can feel its warmth in my chest. I can detect the subtleties of its movements: the way it beats differently for each person in my life; the way it is touched by different situations, words, actions, or music.

Everything is more intense. My joy is more full but so is my sorrow. And although filled with the boldness of a desire to love beyond human measure, my heart finds itself frozen in fear: fear of suffering and loss; fear of rejection and hurt. Looking over the ledge into the ocean of a love that freely receives and freely gives, I hesitate. As much as it is calling me, I still ask myself: Can I make that leap?

My spiritual father once told me that a consecrated heart is first and foremost a human heart. As with every vocation, consecration comes with a special grace but the consecrated one remains human. What’s important is to be aware of the movements of one’s heart, giving them a name without self-judgement.

A consecrated heart is a heart that belongs to Someone. It is a heart that can still be touched by others but recognizes that the Lord arrived first. In my experience, this belonging is also freedom. The more completely my heart belongs to the Lord, the more free it is to love others and to receive love from them.

As we approach Holy Week my eyes are drawn more intensely to the Cross. It is on the Cross, after His suffering and death that Christ’s heart is opened to us and the streams of living water and blood flow out upon us. It is in His act of freely laying down His life that Christ gives us the example par excellence of the love of which there is no greater.

And it is before this punctured heart, pierced and broken, overflowing from within with a love it could not contain that I find myself with yet another question: what death awaits the bride of the Crucified? What act of love will be asked of her who unites her heart so intimately with the One who hung between two thieves? What suffering must she endure in sharing so completely in the life (and death) of her Beloved?

And yet, before I can enter into this musing of death and suffering, the sweet wind of His Spirit whispers in my heart: O but what life awaits the bride of the Risen One? What abundance of love will be offered to her who makes space in her heart to receive it? How sweet will it be to share in her Spouse’s victory?

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What does it mean to have a consecrated heart? What does it mean to love as God loves?

I don’t know the answer to these questions and don’t pretend to ever arrive at them. At least not in word form. But I pray that by living each moment as it comes, by looking in the eyes of each person I find before me, I will have the grace to choose love. That I will be unafraid in giving of myself, and that I will allow myself to receive the self-gift of others. That my heart may never be too full to welcome in another. That my loving others as they are will come first from my own experience of being loved as I am. And that the source of my love will always and only be Love itself.

O Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us.

O Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us. 

A Pleasing Offering

Just about a month ago I took my first exam of the year - my Italian license driving test - which was followed almost immediately by three intense weeks of study and university exams: 5 oral and 2 written. Exam periods have never been the easiest for me. As silly as it might seem to describe it this way I lived these three weeks (especially the last one) as a time that was heavy and almost even dark.

During a period of exams I usually find myself more vulnerable in my weak points of perfectionism, anxiety, desire to please (myself and others), pride, and temptation to see my value in my performance and grade. As a person who already thinks way too much, my brain is in constant function leading to less hours of deep sleep and more frequent episodes of exhaustion. It is also a time in which I easily fall into concentrating almost solely on myself. Even my vocabulary changes: my time, my test, my studies, my, my, my...

But, oddly enough, this most recent period (which ended this morning) has also been a time of great intimacy with the Lord. In my weakness and tiredness I found myself coming before the Lord more authentic and real. When I felt overwhelmed by the desire to impress others, it was His gaze upon me that reminded me I am loved before and no grade or show of intelligence could ever change or increase that love. When I had no brain power to formulate eloquent words with which to address Him it was in repeating the simple truths of our faith that I found consolation: Dio mio, mio Tutto (“My God. My All.”) And when, in my human weakness, He knew I needed a little more than His spiritual presence (no matter how tangible it can be at times) He sent me a friend, a phone call, a message, a hug, a smile…

There was one moment of prayer in particular that struck me about a week ago. Praying my daily meditation with the first reading of the day, I found myself struck by the last sentence of the passage which was not a sentence that would have usually caught my attention.

“Then the offering of Judah and Jerusalem will please the LORD, as in ancient days, as in years gone by.” (Malachi 3:4)

I don’t know if I’ve even ever prayed with the Book of Malachi before but that evening this sentence completely changed my outlook on things. I walked in the chapel feeling oppressed by the studies I had yet to do and by discouragement and loneliness. I walked out filled with peace, hope, and even joy. Why? Because in those few words the Lord assured me that my offering (my studies, my attention, my effort) is already pleasing to Him. The offering, not the result. And it is pleasing to Him: He who we should strive to please before everyone else. I understood then that when I am focused more on the result than the offering it is because I am trying to please someone other than God either my professor, classmates, sisters, parents, or myself. When I am focused instead on the offering, it is then that I know I am trying to please God. And it is then that I can be assured that I will please Him because of the simple fact that when it comes down to it, each offering is an offering of self and all God desires is to receive our offering of self and be ever more united with us.

As I mentioned above, even outside of prayer, the Lord worked through those around me (friends from university, the sisters I live with, and complete strangers) to touch me with His love. In a particular way He did so this very morning. Waking up early I gathered all my things and started heading down to the chapel. Janel, the sister helping to guide me in my years of formation, asked me to wait and pray also with her. I wasn’t too suspicious at this point since she is known to wake up early as well and so I happily agreed. After a couple of minutes I see her enter the chapel with a backpack and jacket. Still not imagining anything too out of the ordinary I remained silent. Come to find out, she had organized her morning so that she could come with me to my exam, support me, and then walk back with me stopping at several churches and historical sites along the way. What touches me most about this is the love behind it. Her consideration of my need to be accompanied first of all. And then her attention of my love for little spontaneous adventures. Not to mention her own sacrifice. A whole morning out of the house takes away from tasks that could be accomplished or things that could be checked off of the to-do list. However, she chose the other over self. She chose me. She chose love.

Call me crazy but I give thanks to the Lord for the opportunity to live this time of exams. No, I wouldn’t volunteer to relive it immediately. I still have many more chances in the near future anyways. But I do recognize how He really can and does enter into every aspect of our lives. He makes Himself present and He makes His presence felt.

Fully equipped to hit the streets of Rome!