Behind the Liturgy: The Graces

Ten days ago I consecrated myself totally and definitively to God as an Apostle of the Interior Life…and I am still smiling uncontrollably because of it. My heart is overflowing with joy that I can’t seem to hide, and it is only multiplied by the shared joy of others. But one thing I can’t seem to do too well is individualize each grace: there are far too many.

In the Gospel of John, the Beloved Disciple writes: “from His fullness we have all received grace upon grace” (Jn 1:16). What a beautiful way to describe my current experience. Grace upon grace…one grace after another…graces so close together that they become impossible to distinguish from each other. From His fullness: God lacks nothing, there is no emptiness in Him, and it is from that wholeness that He lavishes us with these graces, each one as full as the whole.

A day of one’s formal “yes” to their Vocation – be it consecrated life, priesthood, or marriage – is a particular day of grace. I would even venture to say that perhaps there is no time more grace-filled. Certainly, these graces continue to flow as we live out the call we received in Baptism and hopefully add to the totality of that “yes” with every new day…but on the day of that initial “yes” I do believe there is a special grace, a special gaze from the Father upon us.

But what do we do when the graces are so rich and so plentiful that we can hardly give them a name? (What a great problem to have huh?). As in many things, I find my response in the example of Mary. In the second chapter of Luke’s Gospel, our author tells us that “Mary kept all of these things, pondering them in her heart” (Lk 2:19). Mary kept all of these things: she cherished them, preserved them in their freshness, nourished them and kept them alive. Pondering them in her heart: Not in her mind but in her heart where she could simply be and share them with the King of her heart, Jesus.

This is the Lord’s invitation to me at this time. As I settle back into daily life in Rome: studies, house chores, community life, apostolate…I feel called to continue to sit in wonder at what the Holy Spirit has done in me with my few words and the offering of my little and fragile heart. Externally so much has remained the same and yet everything is different now. I may do the same actions as before but today, and from now on, I do them as a consecrated woman, as someone who has made of their whole person – mind, body, heart, and soul – a definitive gift to God.
So what are some of the graces that I have been keeping in my heart?

As already mentioned, I am finding much difficulty in directly naming each grace. Some were clearer than others but most seem to come as a package deal and smoothly blend into the rest. Here is an example of how some of the biggest graces I received are still intimately connected with each other…

One of my prayers since the beginning of my preparation was to arrive before the altar as aware as possible of the gift I was making of myself and of the gift I was receiving in my consecration. The morning of my consecration, but also the days leading up to it, there was a concrete certainty in me of what I was doing in each moment. I don’t know how to explain it – a typical trait of God’s graces – but I just knew with every step what I was doing and what my purpose was. A Scripture verse from one of the weekday’s First Readings stood out to me at this regard: A nation of firm purpose you keep in peace o Lord; in peace for its trust in you (Is 26:2-3).

And this leads into my next two graces: peace and joy. People kept asking me “are you ready?” or “how do you feel?” My response was usually a mixture of smiles, nods, and meek “yes’s”. Was I ready because of my own doing? Probably not. I mean I had years of a formative journey to prepare me but we all know that formation in its true sense is a life-long experience. My “readiness” – if we want to call it that – was not due to me but to Him. I was ready because I knew Him to be good to His promises and faithful to those who seek to love Him. I knew that His heart woul

d be a refuge and fruitful dwelling place in which to place my own. I would no longer need to be nervous or worry about my good. After all, my experience tells me that the Lord has always been good to me.

Even Bishop David Konderla spoke about joy in his homily.

This foundation of peace and calm freed my heart to experience and express openly a deep and childlike joy. I would consider myself a typically happy, smiley person who loves to laugh and look for the bright side of things but this kind of joy was new to me. I mean, it was familiar; I still felt authentically myself, but everything was enhanced and, in many ways, even more natural.

This joy seemed to be contagious and before long I found myself surrounded by smiles, laughter, and people just happily being themselves, which brings me to the final grace in this example’s chain of graces. Another prayer of mine in these recent weeks of preparation was that the day of my consecration, and in particular the Mass, would be a time of rejoicing together with all who were present physically and spiritually. I wanted everyone to not just witness my joy but to experience it uniquely and personally for themselves.

My first community photo as a consecrated member

of the Apostles of the Interior Life

But what does it look like for me to keep these many graces in my heart and ponder them there with Jesus?

Being an experience of intimacy and personal prayer, I imagine that this looks different for everyone. For me, the first important step is to make sure the motion is headed towards my heart and not my mind. I don’t feel that it is the time to really think, analyze, or come to conclusions. Instead I feel that it is a time of wonder, awe, integration, and rest.

Not too long ago I asked Jesus in prayer: “What do You desire?” It’s a beautiful question that I encourage you all to pose to Him sometime. In that particular prayer He responded like this: “I just want to be with you.” I understood then that I had been lately distracted by many preparations for my consecration – both practical and spiritual. Jesus was happy to be involved but since I asked, He wanted me to know that He didn’t want to just be the soundboard off of which I bounced my many ideas and project deadlines. He wanted to be with me just as I was which meant in my anxiety, in my excitement, in my creativity, in my being overwhelmed, in my tiredness…He didn’t only want to hear about it (that too) but He wanted to be invited into the experience of it.

And so it is now. Often I find myself sitting in prayer just being aware of the movements of my heart: of its joy, excitement, enthusiasm, marvel; perhaps also of the things that had gone differently than I had hoped. But instead of outright thinking about them (obviously my mind is involved) I find that I allow myself to just experience what my heart does. And in all of this, I remain aware of Jesus’s presence. I relate to Him what I feel, desire, perceive, hope, rejoice in… I just bask in knowing that He is there with me and that this makes Him very happy.

Now, it is certainly not a perfect prayer. Like always distractions seep in and my mind tries to take control and analyze things but my desire to just be remains. And, as my spiritual director once told me, “love grows with small acts of faithfulness.” I trust that the movement from distraction back to being present to the Lord in prayer is a very concrete small act of faithfulness, and boy do I get to make a lot of those!

I invite you to take to prayer these two Bible verses: “In His fullness we have received grace upon grace” and “Mary kept all these things, pondering them in her heart.” What do they mean to you? What graces have you recently experienced that you could share with Jesus? It’s true that these past weeks’ events have given me a particular opportunity to receive God’s grace but no day is without His goodness and we all have graces to thank Him for. I encourage you to recognize yours (whether you can name it or not) and thank Him today by just sitting for a moment in silence and sharing it with Him.

"My desire is simple. I just want to be His." And now I am!!