Learning from wild flowers: June 2019

Dear Family and Friends!

Three years ago today I arrived in Rome to start my second year of formation as an Apostle of the Interior Life in the House of Formation here. I can’t believe the time has flown by so fast! On Thursday I finished my first year of Theology (third year studying in Rome) which means that I am more than half way done with my 5 year degree!!

I must be honest in sharing that this year has been one of the most challenging so far. Each step that takes me closer to vows seems to carry with it a decision that touches ever more profoundly the “yes” I have made to the Lord. Naturally, this implies many “no’s”, even to very good things. What keeps me going in the times that it hurts my heart to say that “no” is to remember that my life is more about following than leaving. It’s true that in order to follow, I must leave, but it is also true that when I follow, I am always with Someone and if I’m just leaving, I find instead that I am all alone.

As normal, I would like to share with you in this newsletter some important events coming up, a short story from this year, a little sharing from the heart, some prayer intentions that I entrust to you, and some memories from this year in the form of pictures!

Important Events

June 26 – the newest arrival to the House of Formation in Rome: Kate Cropp

June 28-30 – Convocation in Rome with our lay movement’s members from both the USA e Italy

July – month of community life in the mountains

August – month in Texas with family, my nephew!!!, and our house in College Station

October – start of the new school year: 2^nd year of Theology at the Pontifical Salesian University

Oct 21-25 – evangelization mission in a college town near Rome (L’Aquila)

Dec 6 – adoration vigil for my vows (8 pm)

Dec 7 – Holy Mass in which I will take the vows of chastity, poverty, and obedience (11 am)

Dec 8 – Mass of Thanksgiving in my hometown of Hallettsville (time to be determined)

Story Time

This year I had many new experiences but one of them particularly pushed me to grow and filled me with much joy! For the first time, the community asked me, along with Sr. Clara, to coordinate our young adult retreat. The organization was all totally up to us: the location, the theme, the schedule, the activities…etc… It reminded me a little of when I was Co-director of the Teen ACTS retreat back in my high school days, and I was very thankful for that previous experience.

As preparation, we decided to pray together around an hour a week with the specific intention of the retreat starting months in advance. From our little sharings after these moments of prayer we were slowly able to identify the theme and the style of the retreat that God was suggesting to us.

In the end we lead a retreat for around 30 young people on the theme of Story-Telling, or rather witnessing to others with our own personal experience. In order to do this, we first took our participants on a journey of self-discovery with tools for reading one’s own story. In addition to this we encountered the stories of others: St. Francis (as we were at a Franciscan Sanctuary outside of Rome where St. Francis himself had lived), our community (the Apostles of the Interior Life), and the Prodigal Son (from the Gospel of Luke). To get our story telling skills fine-tuned we played different games and simply encouraged personal sharing at meals and in informal moments. On the last day we had a more formal presentation about sharing our story with tips on how to allow a simple sharing to become evangelization.

My role in the retreat was much on the part of the organization in the months leading up to it. I was also in contact with the young people who signed up so I had all the names pretty well down even before they arrived. During the weekend I acted as MC, presenting the different moments and giving announcements when necessary. Of course, everything was in Italian so we all had a good laugh every now and then when the nerves got the best of me and my sentences didn’t always make too much sense!

My experience of the retreat was very positive. First of all I was continually touched by the trust that the community was putting in me. I was never left alone in the decisions in as much as Sr. Clara was sharing the leading role with me and the community always offered advice but when we did make a decision, the community was ready to accept it and go with it, supporting us completely. I definitely appreciated more than ever the fact of being a part of a community and being able to entrust a certain task to someone knowing that it would be taken care of. The young people who came were wonderful! Many faces were familiar to us but some were brand new and I was impressed with how easily and naturally they threw themselves into the retreat. For the first time, we tried a new approach and asked the young people to take turns helping with the cooking and the cleaning and they did it with no problem. Actually, many offered to help when it wasn’t even assigned to them to do so.

At the end of the weekend I was exhausted but so filled with joy. It made me reflect on how the apostolic part of my community (our mission of evangelization and spiritual formation) was not the first thing to attract me. I was much more attracted by the intimacy in prayer, the intellectual formation, and the strong family-like community life. The apostolate (our mission) actually always kind of intimidated me: public speaking, leading prayer, walking one on one with someone in their spiritual journey. But now, even as it remains a challenge in which I must always choose to go outside of myself and my comfort zone, it has become for me a huge source of joy and a place of confirmation of my vocation. It is in these moments, when I am most aware of my inabilities and where I fall short, that God really shines through and I know that it is His Spirit working through me.

Where is my heart?

As alluded to above, this hasn’t been the easiest year for my heart. I must say, however, that there is something so beautiful in experiencing the totality of a decision so much so that nothing I can do can separate me from it. Every choice, every behavior, each word I speak must be (and naturally is) conformed to my life decision to answer Christ’s call to be His bride. And I am experiencing that more intensely than ever this year.

A book that has been accompanying me lately in prayer has shared with me much incite on this very topic. It is entitled “With all your heart” and is about the vow of chastity. This is the vow that most of the outside world cringes at but, as this book demonstrates very well, one can only renounce other loves with a greater Love. The fact that I won’t ever get married doesn’t deny me the possibility to satisfy the human (and divine) desire to give myself completely to someone, body and soul. My consecration is exactly that: the offering of my whole self to God. And it is only because I have found a Love to whom I can give myself so entirely too that I am able to renounce the goodness of the love of marriage.

But the hard part is not so much the belonging to Someone else. It’s the no longer belonging to oneself. In the very first chapter of this book, the author writes about the encounter the person has with the Lord when he or she decides to answer affirmatively to the call to be consecrated. He says that from this moment onward, that person no longer belongs to himself and his heart is no longer his: he is to be forever moved by his desire to give all back to the God who gave him everything that he is and has.

This year has been for me a constant discovery of the little parts of my heart that still think of themselves as either independent or dependent on someone or something other than God. The Lord, in His infinite mercy, has instead been guiding me, so very gently, to remember that, in reality, all of my heart is His and that I must let go of that which says otherwise. Obviously the examples of this are varied. It could mean recognizing where I need to grow in knowing when to ask for help or it could mean making sure that no one friendship dominates all of my time and attention. It certainly means growing to trust evermore in the God for whom nothing is impossible especially when I find myself in situations that are out of my control. And most importantly, it means a daily renewal of our love, without which nothing in my life would make any sense.

This year the Lord has kindly been answering my desire to love Him in a completely exclusive way. And so, with ever such tenderness, He has been purifying my heart so that it may be singularly centered on Him. As with any burning flame, the golden tips burn when touched, but the warmth radiated is steady and enduring. Even when certain decisions cost me in the moment, the lasting peace deep within assures me that my “leaving” is really a “following” and that by my side is the true Lover of my soul.

Prayer Intentions

For the concluding days of our General Assembly that is meeting here in Rome. For an outpouring of the Holy Spirit and the graces needed to follow God’s Will for our community.

For my family and their intentions and especially for the growth of my little nephew Shepherd: that he may grow to be strong in body and spirit under the loving care of my brother Brandon and his wife Jen.

For Kate Cropp, a new addition to the House of Formation here in Rome arriving on Wednesday June 26. That she may be filled with peace in these days of leaving (her family, country, language, and the comforts of home) in order to follow the Lord’s call.

For all us girls in the various levels of formation (me, Briana, Catherine, Alexa, Kate, Liz, Sarah) and all the girls discerning a call to join our community. That it may be God’s peace that leads us in each new step.

For my continued preparation for taking my vows this December. That I may be ever more aware of the gift I will be making of myself and of the gift that I will receive that day.

Pictures