Reading
those words now and having cultivated this desire ever since, I am marveled at
how close I am to the realization of it. In fact, this December I will profess
the vows of chastity, poverty, and obedience, giving to the Lord all that I am
(chastity), all that I have (poverty), and all that I will become (obedience).
But what
does it really mean to belong to the Lord, to be His? What does it mean that I
will give my life completely to Him? What does it look like to concretely live
out the consecrated life?
The
objective of my years of formation is in part to discover the answers to these
questions and in part to accept that only a life’s journey can really reveal
them to me.
I have no
illusion that after December 7, this desire of my heart will be totally
fulfilled. Certainly, I will be consecrated completely to God. My whole being
will be promised to Him from that day forward and no longer will it be possible
for me to belong to anyone else. However, to live fully in that truth…I think I
have much growth and purification ahead of me for that.
Although one
cannot deny the graces received from this total consecration, my experience of
daily life is teaching me that much more is required to really belong to God. It
requires a constant seeking of Him, a single heartedness and single mindedness
that leaves no room for another to possess any part of my heart.
“’Come,’ says my
heart, ‘seek his face’;
Your face, Lord, do I
seek!
Do not hide your face
from me.”
Psalm 27: 8-9
In the light
of this new Easter season I can’t help but contemplate Christ, my promised
Spouse, up on that cross, seeking to meet my gaze. Or the Risen One coming
toward me with His wounded hands outstretched to receive me in an embrace. Am I
able to meet that gaze? Can I fully immerse myself in that embrace? Or am I
distracted, attracted by something much less, settling for what I am able to
reach on my own and not allowing myself to be lifted up by Another?
His love is
so great, so pure…so simple. His gaze is one. His heart is whole. His mind is
fixed.
My love is
poor, fragile…and very complicated. My gaze often darts from one object to the
next. My heart often divided. My mind anything but concentrated.
So how is
this desire to be His completely and in total simplicity to be fulfilled? It
must be possible or else it would not be seeded so deeply in my heart…
Once the
Lord told me in prayer something that I think might be able to shed some light
on all of this: Let Me be yours so you
can be Mine.
This short
phrase has since given me much fruit for reflection as I’ve often tried to
decipher it fully only to realize that its great depth of meaning for me must
reveal itself slowly over time. And as I seek to go deeper into the mystery of
my desire of being His and the reality that is behind it, I find Him
re-offering me this phrase: Cherise, just
let Me be yours first.
Perhaps what
He’s trying to tell me in the midst of the celebration of His death and
resurrection is this: the first step to giving myself completely to God, to
belonging to Him, is to accept that He chose to fully give Himself to me. This
is actually a truth really overwhelming to accept. God, Creator of all things,
the Eternal Being, Almighty and Everlasting gives Himself totally, willingly,
and freely to me. He took the form of man, like us in all things except for sin
(Hebrews 4:15) and hung on a cross for me…for love of me. That’s what it means
to belong to someone, to give yourself fully to another.
My dwelling place will
be with them; I will be their God, and they will be my people.
Ezekiel
37:27
The
difference between God’s gift of self and our gift of self is this: God really
does freely choose to belong to us, to give Himself to us. We, on the other
hand, regardless are His – He is our Creator, our Father, our Savior. Our
choice is whether or not to accept and live in this truth…the truth that would,
if really lived, set us free (John 8:32).
But
accepting to be looked upon so honestly with love is really hard. To receive a
gift as free as it is immense is not easy for us. We would prefer to earn it,
to pay it back, to deserve it…but in order to be His we have to first accept
that we already are.
In the
moment that I accept the truth that God has bound Himself to me in an age old
covenant made ever new by the blood of His Son, and that, no matter the extent
of my unfaithfulness, He has chosen to be forever mine, I cannot help but
respond. And in what other way than by giving everything, all of myself to Him,
in simply recognizing that I already am His?
This giving
of oneself finds many different expressions in the Christian life, expressions
that we have learned to call Vocations. Most of us are called to respond to
God’s immense and free love for us in giving ourselves in Holy Marriage, to God
through spouse and children. But some of us feel a different stir within us that
we find can only be satisfied in reserving ourselves completely for God in an
exclusive and spousal love with Him. These are priests and consecrated people.
I find myself in the second category. Ever since that first time, by God’s
grace, I met the gaze that looked upon me with love - ever since I heard His
voice in that most honest place of who I am - I have felt within me a burning desire
to respond. And for me, personally, I have found that this response must be
total and exclusive. I must give Him all.
But living
in that place of love and conviction, remaining intentionally under that gaze,
remembering who I am and who He is, is not always easy in daily life and is,
unfortunately, often forgotten in the midst of everyday tasks.
So my
resolution for these 50 days of Easter, for my preparation for vows, and for
the life of consecration that I will live from December 7 and onward, is this:
to dedicate a few minutes of my day – every day - to just sitting under that
gaze, letting myself be looked upon by love, and allowing myself to receive it
freely without earning it, deserving it, or even being able to adequately
respond to it. Just simply being, and being His.
How would
your life change if you did this? What is your way of responding to God’s immense
and free love?
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| God willing I will take my vows: Saturday December 7, 2019 St. Mary's Catholic Center
College Station, Texas
Please pray for me!
|
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