A Pleasing Offering

Just about a month ago I took my first exam of the year - my Italian license driving test - which was followed almost immediately by three intense weeks of study and university exams: 5 oral and 2 written. Exam periods have never been the easiest for me. As silly as it might seem to describe it this way I lived these three weeks (especially the last one) as a time that was heavy and almost even dark.

During a period of exams I usually find myself more vulnerable in my weak points of perfectionism, anxiety, desire to please (myself and others), pride, and temptation to see my value in my performance and grade. As a person who already thinks way too much, my brain is in constant function leading to less hours of deep sleep and more frequent episodes of exhaustion. It is also a time in which I easily fall into concentrating almost solely on myself. Even my vocabulary changes: my time, my test, my studies, my, my, my...

But, oddly enough, this most recent period (which ended this morning) has also been a time of great intimacy with the Lord. In my weakness and tiredness I found myself coming before the Lord more authentic and real. When I felt overwhelmed by the desire to impress others, it was His gaze upon me that reminded me I am loved before and no grade or show of intelligence could ever change or increase that love. When I had no brain power to formulate eloquent words with which to address Him it was in repeating the simple truths of our faith that I found consolation: Dio mio, mio Tutto (“My God. My All.”) And when, in my human weakness, He knew I needed a little more than His spiritual presence (no matter how tangible it can be at times) He sent me a friend, a phone call, a message, a hug, a smile…

There was one moment of prayer in particular that struck me about a week ago. Praying my daily meditation with the first reading of the day, I found myself struck by the last sentence of the passage which was not a sentence that would have usually caught my attention.

“Then the offering of Judah and Jerusalem will please the LORD, as in ancient days, as in years gone by.” (Malachi 3:4)

I don’t know if I’ve even ever prayed with the Book of Malachi before but that evening this sentence completely changed my outlook on things. I walked in the chapel feeling oppressed by the studies I had yet to do and by discouragement and loneliness. I walked out filled with peace, hope, and even joy. Why? Because in those few words the Lord assured me that my offering (my studies, my attention, my effort) is already pleasing to Him. The offering, not the result. And it is pleasing to Him: He who we should strive to please before everyone else. I understood then that when I am focused more on the result than the offering it is because I am trying to please someone other than God either my professor, classmates, sisters, parents, or myself. When I am focused instead on the offering, it is then that I know I am trying to please God. And it is then that I can be assured that I will please Him because of the simple fact that when it comes down to it, each offering is an offering of self and all God desires is to receive our offering of self and be ever more united with us.

As I mentioned above, even outside of prayer, the Lord worked through those around me (friends from university, the sisters I live with, and complete strangers) to touch me with His love. In a particular way He did so this very morning. Waking up early I gathered all my things and started heading down to the chapel. Janel, the sister helping to guide me in my years of formation, asked me to wait and pray also with her. I wasn’t too suspicious at this point since she is known to wake up early as well and so I happily agreed. After a couple of minutes I see her enter the chapel with a backpack and jacket. Still not imagining anything too out of the ordinary I remained silent. Come to find out, she had organized her morning so that she could come with me to my exam, support me, and then walk back with me stopping at several churches and historical sites along the way. What touches me most about this is the love behind it. Her consideration of my need to be accompanied first of all. And then her attention of my love for little spontaneous adventures. Not to mention her own sacrifice. A whole morning out of the house takes away from tasks that could be accomplished or things that could be checked off of the to-do list. However, she chose the other over self. She chose me. She chose love.

Call me crazy but I give thanks to the Lord for the opportunity to live this time of exams. No, I wouldn’t volunteer to relive it immediately. I still have many more chances in the near future anyways. But I do recognize how He really can and does enter into every aspect of our lives. He makes Himself present and He makes His presence felt.

Fully equipped to hit the streets of Rome!