A free 'yes'

“Then Moses went up from the plains of Moab to Mount Nebo, the headland of Pisgah which faces Jericho, and the Lord showed him all the land…The Lord then said to him, ‘this is the land which I swore to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob that I would give to their descendants. I have let you feast your eyes upon it, but you shall not cross over.’” Deuteronomy 34: 1-4

As I walked the fence line that always seemed so long as a child, I held in my hand the Word of God. Gazing around me I began to breathe deeper and more fully watching the view slowly change to a landscape all too familiar to me. Stopping at the edge of one pasture before entering into the next I found myself standing before all that I thought I ever wanted: 2 dry sand rock pits, about 12 head of cattle, mostly brown but some green grass, and no sign of manmade anything. Might not sound like much, but to a girl grown up on steak and potatoes in south central Texas farmland and cattle country, it’s all one really needs.

There I was in the place where I feel most alive, most myself…where breathing slows, deepens, and settles into a steady rhythm. In this place that inspires in me awe, wonder, and spontaneous prayer. It is there that my imagination feels free and creativity takes no energy. My heart there is full, content, and completely at peace. Everything seems clearer, difficulties are easier to face, joys acquire greater rejoicing, nothing is impossible, and fear is only fleeting.

With all this before me, I read from the end of the book of Deuteronomy. I have let you feast your eyes upon it, but you shall not cross over. And Moses became a friend.

My heart ached with both human sorrow and the best kind of rejoicing. I too was feasting on that which I always thought would fulfill me: the simple country life, big Texas sky, never ending pastures, one with nature, hands working the land. Since I was a little girl nothing else seemed necessary…and yet did I not recognize in my heart that stirring for adventure, that deeper desire for discovery, for a new and radical love that has always been there?

And then, freedom. I thought to myself: “I can give this up. I can say ‘no’ to a dream once had. I am free.” As my mind began to catch up to my heart, my smile grew all the larger. Yes, before me was –and still is- what part of my heart will always ache for, but it’s not what my heart was made for. My heart was made to follow Him who crafted it in His hands and placed it within me. My heart was made to belong only to Him and to be only where He was leading it. And yet my heart is completely free and its Maker asks of it its free consent, its free ‘yes’ to the following. He does not impose. He invites and waits.

You see, I have tasted what it is to follow Him. I have had my cup filled to overflowing over and over again in the most unexpected of places and situations. I have been stupefied time and time again by God’s uncanny ability to prove me wrong about myself, others, and the capacity of the human heart. And though, in that moment, my eyes were feasting on what I had long desired, I knew in my heart that He had something else for me- something that, as unbelievable as it may be for me, would delight my eyes and fill my life with an even greater beauty.

With each step in the journey – some quicker, some easier, some longer, some harder – I find that it is in Him that lies my true Treasure. He – my Heavenly Father, my Lord and Savior, the Spirit who guides me – He is the pearl of great price. It is growing in relationship with Him that my life blossoms, that I know who I really am, and that I learn to live abundantly even on this side of Heaven.

His Word tells me that where my treasure is, there will my heart be also (Mt 6:21). Right now my Treasure is calling me back to Rome, and I want to go after Him. Even before this special place, even with the freedom to say ‘no’, even with tears of goodbye, I find the greatest peace in answering ‘yes’ to His gentle invitation: “Come. Follow Me.”