An Ode to Fidelity

It’s not the first or the last but the each and the every.

It’s not the individual but the whole.
It’s not even so much the disposition of the heart but the conscious presence.

Hard, the habit to start.
Easy, to break.
Impossible, the habit to ignore: one either consciously is or isn’t.

Unrecognized, the small victory of its persistence.
Strong, the temptation to see the every’s and the each’s on their own as waste and not fruitful.
Subtle, the change it brings about.
Sweet and lasting, the long term fruit it bears.

While outside the flowers blossom and the fragrance of spring sweetly tickles my nose, I’d have to say that I am experiencing a kind of interior drought: a spiritual slump of sorts. St. Ignatius of Loyola, Father of the Discernment of Spirits and founder of the Society of Jesus – more commonly known as the Jesuits – would call this a time of desolation. In his writings, St. Ignatius teaches about spiritual consolation and desolation. Spiritual consolation is like an uplifting of the heart in which one eagerly and with ease gives praise and gratitude to God turning to Him in prayer with much joy and peace. Instead, a time of spiritual desolation is a weighing down of the heart in which one feels to be in darkness, overcome by doubts, temptations, or self-worries. All of us experience each of these as we make our way through low and dark valleys or enjoy the view from the mountaintop in this journey of life. St. Ignatius offers different suggestions on how to combat this spiritual desolation, not allowing it to inflict too much damage, but in the end, one must often simply wait for consolation to return.

What I’ve found most effective for me in this current “spiritual slump” is returning to moments of spiritual consolation in which I am certain to have heard the Father’s voice. There are around 4 or 5 distinct moments of prayer in my past that I still can’t doubt came from the Lord. In none of these instances did I actually hear a voice but I know that He spoke His words write into my heart.

Returning to these moments has helped me in many ways. First I find my heart lightened with the memory of a consolation. It’s as if the clouds of my desolation part for a second and allow some rays of warm sunshine to bring relief to my shadow covered heart. I have renewed hope that consolation will return and I will once again feel the certainty of His presence. Secondly, I am able to reflect on those moments and how I arrived at them. The one thing each of these moments has in common is my experience of self dependence that immediately precedes them. In each case, I find myself at the point of surrender to the Lord because I finally come to realize that I can’t depend on myself and that in doing so I keep running into the wall of my imperfection and limitedness. In the frustration and exhaustion of having tried to be self-sufficient for so long, I turn in desperation to the only One who not only can fulfill each of my needs and desires but wrote each of them on my heart before I ever came to be.

And the final lesson? The most important I would say…is that of fidelity. Faithfulness. I would have never arrived at these moments of rich joy if I hadn’t persevered through long periods of great drought. My Spiritual Director says that the best way to end prayer is by saying to the Lord: “Tomorrow, I will be here.” He says that it is in little acts of faithfulness that love grows. And I see the truth of this in my own life. In each moment that I decide to go into the chapel or pick up my rosary even when I feel no desire to do so, even when it seems as if I am merely completing a task on my to-do list - in those moments, I am really making an act of faith and opening up the door. Even just a crack is enough to let in the great love that our God is already pouring out on me and that I am just not yet able to receive in full. And each day that door opens another little bit, and another, and another until BAM! I find myself overwhelmed by a moment of great love. This love surprises me and catches me off guard but if I stop to think about it, it is merely the same love being poured upon me all along. But the best part? Even when I fail to be faithful, God remains faithful and never stops loving me to the highest degree possible! It is my love that grows in faithfulness. It is my love that grows more capable of meeting and accepting the unconditional and overbearing love of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. His love…it is always faithful, always true, always present, and always mine.

This saying is trustworthy: If we have died with him we shall also live with him; if we persevere we shall also reign with him. But if we deny him he will deny us.
If we are unfaithful he remains faithful, for he cannot deny himself.
2 Timothy 2: 11-13

God is Love, and God is Faithful.