Getting There

Life is often spent living in attesa as Italians would say: waiting. We are constantly on a journey. This we know to be true in the Catholic worldview that describes the Church as a Pilgrim journeying toward her Heavenly home. But what are we called to do while we wait? The answer that the Lord has been giving me in this time at home before my departure for formation in Rome is: we live. The Lord continues to call me into the present moment, and as I’ve come to realize, with each call truly comes the grace to respond.

Before even arriving home for my 3 week stay, I already felt anxiety about having to leave my family for Rome. How ridiculous is this? Without having yet arrived, I was worried about leaving. This is not a good example of living in the time of waiting. So my constant prayer became one for the grace to live in the present moment. This was my one desire for being home. To live the time well and savor each minute with those I love trusting that I would have the grace for the goodbyes only when the time had come. By living in the present, I had no regrets at the end. I know that I lived well the time I had. I just spent time, took interest in the other, enjoyed, relaxed, and loved. So much love was shared in my time at home, and I praise God for this gift! In the end, the goodbyes remained difficult but the grace was there…in the moment!

The trip over here was also an adventure of being present to the moment which seems to be God’s lesson to me in this transition. First, after a teary departure from my parents at the airport, many different feelings offered me a variety of reactions to set the tone for my voyage. There was the option of anxiety of the unknown future from the feeling of fear. The feeling of sadness offered me a tone focused on the past and what was being left behind. But then there was something else…something mediated through God’s grace of the present moment…something called peace. This was not a worldly peace that just made every negative or painful feeling/thought go away. No, instead this was something deep and lasting. A peace that allowed me to feel fear, sadness, nerves, anxiety, loss but did not allow my actions to be dictated by them. I can only describe this peace by an image I use often to do so: this peace is like a cushion under my heart. When my heart trembles, I have simply to let go and lean on this overwhelmingly subtle peace that calms me with a certainty of God’s goodness and love. This is a peace that, I am learning, can again only be found in the present moment…where God’s grace resides.

So with this grace and peace, I arrived in New York to meet up with my travel companion Janelle (another young woman discerning my community) and stay the night with a host family before heading off to Rome. Again, with the host family, there was the temptation to think only of my arrival in Rome and forget the present. But in this time of “waiting” before arriving in Rome, God was still asking me to live and offering me grace in those moments there. So I surrendered and, although imperfectly, strove to do just that. This produced many beautiful moments with our host family who shared a wonderful witness of faith and generosity. As dear friends of the community, they often host sisters or girls in formation who travel through New York City. They make not only a place to sleep available to us but they allow us to enter into their hearts and truly share our lives even if for only 24 hours. This is an experience that I could not have had had I been outside of the present reality and focused too much on the future or past. Again, God’s grace in the present moment reigned peace in my heart and brought great joy to my soul.

Finally, Janelle and I found ourselves in flight to Rome. The 2 flights were not the most pleasant in the sense that we were unable to sleep and had a long layover in between, but we had many things to be thankful for which were mostly apparent from the view of the present moment. For one, we had each other and did not have to travel alone. We could pray together, talk, and keep each other grounded if one was too anxious over one thing or the other. We also enjoyed a wonderful film together on the plane that passed a couple of hours for us. We have the memory now of this trip and a closer friendship through simply spending time together. All which were possible through being present to the moment and open to the grace God offers in the here and now.

Upon arrival in Rome, I felt the next surge of temptation to fear and be anxious about this new unknown adventure as I drove through the busy streets of my new home. But I can no longer escape the gentle Voice calling me back to peace asking for my trust and begging me to just let go and let Him lead. Certainly, if I rely on my own strengths and capacities, this adventure would have already failed but He is the Good Shepherd, He is leading and His hand will guide me to only greater freedom, a deeper joy, and a bolder love.

We will spend most of our life waiting…waiting for the bus, waiting for graduation, waiting to turn a certain age, waiting for suffering to pass…and in this time of waiting there will be many feelings, thoughts, and emotions. But what will we do while we wait? And what will we do with these feelings, thoughts, and emotions?

God’s answer to these questions in my prayer has been: we simply live…from moment to moment, present grace to present grace. We acknowledge our feelings, thoughts and emotions but are not dictated by them because we know Who resides in the present with us. It is from Christ’s presence that we draw peace and become open to His grace. And it is in the grace of God – living in the present moment – that we boast and with confidence take each succeeding step beckoned forth by the gentle Voice of God: “My grace is sufficient for you” (2 Cor. 12:9).