Alone With

                Impending, haunting, hovering, daunting… What’s the right word to describe it? No bags are yet packed and no external signs of departure can be found, but internal signs…those are rampant.

                Back and forth my heart goes, surfing sometimes on waves of excitement but mostly drowning in the white foam of nostalgia. Caught up in the grief of yet another “goodbye” my tears only increase the struggle to come up for air. How can this be endured…this death to so much good, love, and joy? To a place of such strife, growth, and comfort? What could possibly propel me forward into the darkness of the unknown?

                I feel alone. Alone and yet surrounded. Surrounded by thoughts, plans, practicalities, emotions. I’m consumed and overwhelmed by “should be’s” and “could’ve been’s”. Confusion abounds as my rational mind battles my sensitive heart. What’s going on? Even breathing seems a struggle. I am lost. I am alone.

                A hand – Yours – stretches out toward me. Well-defined is the wound in its core. I stare but this is not a time of waiting, of analyzing. Your patience, though gentle, demands a response. I reach for the hand and, in this action, notice the rest of You. Not one but two wounded hands opened wide before me. An embrace offered. An invitation extended. Come to Me you who are heavy burdened. Let Me give you rest.

                I hesitate. Why do I hesitate? This inaction plagues me. My mind tries to move my heart by principles and concepts formation has given me, but as it often does in prayer, analysis only evokes paralysis. Complication looms. I seek Your face…Your eyes. Come My child. Let Me…

                My hands in Yours, I find myself caressing Your wounds with my thumbs. A real love. A faithful love. A love to be trusted. A love forever at full capacity and yet forever giving more, embracing more, consuming more. There is no greater love.

                Your eyes. So tender and piercing. So pure and simple. Eyes fixed on mine with no intention of shifting their gaze. Not even a blink to separate us. Come closer…

I take a step.

A hint of a smile curls upon your lips. Welcoming. Warm. Eager, yet patient.

What’s holding me back? Thoughts. So many thoughts. Distractions too numerous to be connected. Analysis, complication, confusion, self-criticism…discouragement. I am discouraged. I am lost. I am alone.

But You’re here. You are before me. You’re holding my hands, gazing into my roaming eyes savoring the occasional brief moments in which mine actually meet yours. Patient, gentle, tender, constant, loving…peace.

I want peace. My peace I give to you…Touch me and see…

I’m in Your arms, and You encircle me with warmth and security. I am Yours and You are mine. Only the simplest of truths exists in this moment: You are and I am.

But the struggle continues between my mind and my heart, never quick to collaborate. I strain myself to focus, to imagine You more clearly, to hold onto the tenderness of Your touch, to be simple, to remain.

I love you…Lord, You know everything. You know that I love You too. Follow Me…

Leaving continues to draw nearer. Externally nothing has changed, but internally…these changes are rampant. My heart still soars to high peaks and dips low to deep valleys depending on the day or even the hour. Complication by analysis is forever only one thought away. But this suffering, no matter how small or how human, is a point of encounter, an opportunity to go deeper. It helps me to see how alone I really am. For I am alone, it is true, but I am not lost. I am alone “with” You. This death to self, experienced through leaving people of precious worth and a place of love, joy, and growth, pushes me to a point of finally being alone enough to be ever more “with” You. Yes, this is a small offering, one of little worth in the eyes of the world that pales in comparison to the big picture, but this offering unites me more closely with You, and thus, for my heart, it is an offering of the utmost value, unmatched, priceless.

I am alone, it is true, but I am not lost. I am alone with You, and in this stillness – this silence – that maybe lasts one fleeting moment, I know there’s no place I’d rather be.