Who Are You?

               With the sound of my phone’s alarm my day begins at an hour that always seems to be too soon. Many mornings my first thought is “not enough” in reference to my time in bed but I get up nonetheless…usually before the sun. Breakfast has to happen right away in order to respect my first appointment. The appointment that requires this particular morning routine. These days Dad still leaves before me and Mom gets the most time at home out of the three of us. This doesn’t stop her from waking first and making sure our mornings go smoothly.

With a quick hug and a kiss I am out the door and navigating to my car sometimes with the light of my phone. I intentionally avoid the grass even if it makes my trip a little longer. It’s one thing to start the day off on the wrong foot. It’s another to start it off on two wet ones.

The drive into town is longer than normal because I don’t like to feel rushed and I need to keep my eye out for any critters – big and small alike – that might try to beat me across the road. If the weather is nice, the windows are down and my nose is filled with the fresh scent of the countryside not yet awakened to the roar of manmade machines but alive with the sound of its natural inhabitants.

Arriving as only the 10^th or so car in the parking lot, I hurriedly make my way inside recognizing that my calm pace has put me right on time for my appointment. I suppose I’m prepared as I’ll ever be. Taking my usual seat I notice the sensation of home and familiarity warming my heart. I take a glance around at the 20ish people joining me, all seated in their regular spots as well.

We begin in unison and proceed to participate in our every morning ritual. Each has his or her own variations but the objective remains the same. By now, some of us could do this in our sleep it has become so habitual. In fact, some days I find myself unwillingly trying to as my eyes can’t seem to stay open and my head can’t seem to hold itself up.

Why do I keep coming? Why do I set my alarm an hour earlier than I did last year just to fit this appointment in before school each morning? I ask myself these questions out of curiosity more than with the intention to stop. Any doubt I have about coming always goes away when I enter the room.

Who are you? What do you want with me? I look up at the climax of our time there and find myself caught in the gaze of my reason for coming. This is the one I’m fascinated by. The one that attracts me here every consecutive morning. But I know nothing about you. We only see each other here. Why do I feel as if you know me better than I know me? That my time here with you is just the beginning? That in reality, you are with me always? Who are you? This is the haunting question that draws me back morning after morning. This is the person that calls me out of bed more gently and convincingly than my phone’s alarm.

“Go in peace,” he says. We’re dismissed. I leave immediately and return to my normal day’s routine. Some days it is harder to leave almost as if you’re asking me to stay. Many times on those days I leave just the same, but not without the lingering thought of you. You who slowly begin to follow me and find me throughout my day. And I will let you do it. I’ll let you infiltrate my life until that question, burning in my soul, is answered. Who are You?

My experience as a senior in high school who had received the tremendous grace of desiring to attend daily mass each morning before classes. It took me a long time to truly encounter this Person who was continually attracting me to Himself through the gift of His Body and Blood. And when I did begin a personal relationship with Him through a slowly growing prayer life outside of the mass, my encounter with Him in the mass only became more beautiful. Thank you Jesus for having the patience and love to call me to You day after day filling my small, stoney heart with the amount of Your love that You know I am able to receive now, so that in time, my heart will grow greater in its capacity to receive You and turn into a natural heart bursting from the insides with love like Yours. Thank you for the gift of the Holy Mass.